I'm not enough.

I'm in a mess right now. See, I... kinda had a breakdown about not being 'enough'. Like, not an actual breakdown- I think. I'm totally fine, but like, I just imagine some stuff and end up crying. Today was one of those days.

So anyway... I was trying to make some noodles. I thought that the mixture would flow out (like milk does if overheated) of the vessel so I was constantly worrying if I should turn off the stove. The masala mixture violently bubbles, actually, because I like to make more soup  (hence more volume of liquid) - but it was still an error. My dad said, "How the heck can this be the same as milk? Does it have starch? You wouldn't know, though, because you don't study."

Cut deep. My chest hurts.

I'm trying my best, to be really frank. I watch chemistry and physics on YouTube. Dad's always going on about how I hate science - but I don't. I hate mugging up nonsense I will never use. There's a calculator for a reason, there's google, and thousands of times my father himself has told me that he never used stuff I study currently. But school keeps shoving so much down your throat. I can barely take it.

Guess what, I know gravitation. I know the ball bounces. But did I know that if you twist a ball while bouncing it, it untwists? No.

And I've learnt momentum, kinetic energy, yada yada yada; and I STILL never observed it. I wanna learn that stuff. About the radioactive paint on old watches so it glows in the dark. About the piranha acid and how to dissolve an egg shell. About the temperature getting cooler when juice is added to ice.

That's interesting. School ALSO has interesting stuff, but they make it terrible because of how they force us to learn it.

This happened even in History! I ditched History in 10th grade, but I eventually wrote stuff on History and it's fun! But writing answers and losing marks for the slightest errors is not cool. And you expect me to like studies.

Though, no one's ever gonna see how much I'm trying.

So yes. My father constantly makes me insecure. I wish I didn't care so much about what he thought. But I do. And it torments me everyday.

Another thing that happened was my friend going to school (her first day) and learning about stuff that's foreign to me. And I've been learning in the same grade about three months ahead of her (due to my school).

I regret not joining a branch same school. My mother encouraged me to, in 11th. I turned her down, because I didn't want to give up on my current school and because that school is literally inhumane. How freaking wrong I was. I should've sold my soul off because at least I would've gotten somewhere.

My dad once told me, "I did enroll you in coaching in 9th. I knew and I tried to help you in advance. You didn't take the opportunity."

And I now don't even have a coaching because I couldn't cope up with it last year. I've been given enough chances and I know I didn't take it serious enough.

I hate myself. I'm getting nowhere. I feel so jealous of her... Why can't I be like her? I'm even the kind who keeps these thoughts to herself and I'm scared of admitting it. I'm a bad person. I'm so freaking fake.

She's everything my father ever wants in life. I wish he had her instead of me.

In other news, I can't write, and I mostly tell people it's a burnout but it's not. I'm simply losing hope on things and in turn all I think about is 'Why couldn't I get a better interest?'

And I really wanted to write this idea and finish it in an year and get it published next year but I'm not even gonna get a college so damn it I guess. Some dreams remain dreams. Why the hell do I still try?

I want somebody to see through me but there's nobody... I guess it's no one's fault that I'm craving for love and understanding while not even talking about it but I really really want somebody to figure me out without having to speak...

Too much hope, huh? I know. I have no rights to hope.

I kinda want to die soon but I also don't wanna die so there's that.

I mean, no one's gonna cry in my funeral so what's the point? Life's only worth it if there will be someone who'll be sad even after months because you're gone. I don't have that someone. And so the pain continues.