"No love, however brief, is wasted."

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CHAPTER 77

JACHIN DIDN'T expect it to be so soon, but seeing Mila in front of his department's building, her hair tousled and eyes stained with tears, he just couldn't turn her away.

Napatingin si Rigo sa kanya bago siya tinapik sa balikat. "Una na muna kami. Mag-usap muna kayo."

Nagpaalam muna siya sa ibang blockmates  na kasama na may kakausapin lang saglit. Some of them said hi to Mila nang madaanan nila ito palabas because they knew her as one of their close friends.

Jachin ran a hand through his hair and took a few steps down the pathway towards Mila. Mila thought he was going to approach her, stand near her personal space like he used to, pero nilagpasan siya nito lumakad papunta sa kabilang side.

Mila followed him silently.

Naglakad sila malapit sa mga upuan sa labas ng building. This was where his friends would usually wait kapag nasa loob pa siya at may klase, so sitting here is nothing new to the both of them—but today felt different.

Today felt like the universe was watching two hearts break again.

They ended up sitting on each end of the stone bench, maintaining their distance. Mila glanced at Jachin who was looking straight ahead. It was funny how one mistake can make someone very close to you feel like they're miles away.

Mila squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. It was never this hard to talk to Jachin. Lagi itong handang makinig at umintindi sa kanilang lahat, at kahit sa mga taong hindi nito kilala. But she knew that what she did made him like this. "I'm sorry for barging. I just. . . I just have to say something. And I know you probably don't want to hear my voice, but I just need this one time."

Mila observed his reaction, hinihintay na magalit ito sa kanya, kasi mas gusto niya 'yon. But it never came.

When he didn't say anything, Mila continued. "Jachin. . . I'm sorry."

Jachin kept his gaze on the horizon, watching the sunset and the slow wind down of everything inside their campus—nag uuwiang mga estudyante, nagsasarang mga stall ng kainan, at mga nag-aalisang faculty member, while also being aware of how much his insides were clamoring for the reason—for the truth. "Para sa'n?"

"For hurting you. Sa lahat ng sinabi ko. . . at hindi ko sinabi. I know the damage has been done and I won't be able to take it back." Mila admitted.

Despite all that she has been blaming herself for, there is one truth that she wouldn't take back. "Pero gusto kong malaman mo na mahal kita."

Umiling si Jachin at hinilot ang sentido nito. "Mahal mo ako kasi kailangan mo ko para sa pride mo. Magkaiba 'yon, Mila. Magkaibang magkaiba. You don't claim to love someone tapos gaganituhin mo."

Mila felt the stabbing pain in her heart at his words. It felt like her heart was being stomped on by the one person she trusted, by the one person she loved. Pero alam niyang totoo ang mga binibitawan nitong salita. She was selfish. But it didn't mean his words didn't feel like he was sticking a thousand needles on her heart.

And Jachin could see that. He wanted to take it back habang pinapaalala sa sarili ang sinabi ni Evie. Na dapat wala na siyang galit sa puso niya 'pag kinausap niya si Mila, but circumstances didn't even let him have that respite.

He was torn between protecting his heart and laying it bare to Mila, because laying it bare to her meant letting her know how much she was able to hurt him.

But he hated seeing her cry. Ayaw niyang maging dahilan ng pagluha nito. Hell, he spent most of his life wiping her tears away. And now, he was the cause of it.

Despite her tears blurring her vision, patuloy na tinignan ni Mila si Jachin. Committing to memory what she did and how it was breaking them now. "No—no, Jachin. I love you. . . but not in the way you want. And not in the way that you deserve to be loved."

Jachin let the words sit. Mula pagkabata, wala siyang itinago kay Mila, at sa buong barkada. Lahat ng ginawa at ginagawa niya ay alam ng mga ito, even when he messes up. And it was the same for them. Pero ngayon, hindi niya alam kung bakit mukhang siya ang huling nakaalam sa totoong nararamdaman nito para sa kanya.

Siguro tama nga si Rigo. Masyado niyang mahal si Mila na dumating na sa puntong hindi niya makita ang pagkakaiba ng pagmamahal na binigay nito at sa pagmamahal na gusto niya.

Tumango si Jachin. He understood now. Mila loved him, but not in the way that he thought she did; not in the way he wanted to be loved by her.

And he didn't know which one hurt more: the thought of her never reciprocating his feelings or her pretending that she knew what kind of love he needed.

"I was so scared to lose you. . . because you're my rock, Jachin. Ikaw 'yong sinasandalan ko kapag masyado na akong napapagod. You bring me back to the ground. You remind me that I need to be okay for my Mom."

"And that was my mistake. I realize that now. Hindi kita pwedeng pigilan, hindi kita pwedeng itago sa iba, hindi kita pwedeng ikulong sa sitwasyon na alam kong hindi ka na masaya."

"Masaya akong tulungan ka, Mila. Sinabi ko 'yon sa 'yo 'di ba?" Jachin defended himself. Kahit naman ganito ang nangyari, he didn't and would never regret all that he has done for Mila.

Mila shook her head. "You said you knew me better than anyone. Haven't you thought that maybe I also know you better than anyone? And I was tiring you, Jachin."

"My situation was tiring you. It's draining the energy out of you. Nakikita ko 'yon. But I was too selfish to let you go; to unburden you. Naisip ko kasi, siguro maiintindihan naman nila ako kasi kailangan kita. Maiintindihan nila ako kasi iba 'yong sitwasyon ko. But I never once asked what or who you needed."

Mariing huminga si Jachin, feeling his emotions well up at the admission. Alam naman niyang ito ang gusto niyang marinig mula dito. Pero ngayong narinig na niya, parang gusto na lang niyang bawiin ni Mila.

Because her saying and admitting it meant that the hurt was real.

Mila didn't move an inch beside him, but from the corner of his eye, he could see her shoulders shake from the effort.

"I'm sorry, Jachin. I—I never wanted to be that kind of person, but at that time, I was selfish and I hurt you in the process."

Painful silence hung between them, sitting still and waiting for one or the other to make the decision that would change the both of them.

And Jachin knew it had to be him.

"Mila, alam kong kailangan mo ng suporta, kailangan mo ng taong mag-aalaga sa 'yo kapag nakakalimutan mong alagaan sarili mo, kailangan mo ng taong magpapaalala sa 'yo na kumain sa oras, kailangan mo ng taong magpapaalala sa 'yo na hindi lang nanay mo ang kailangan mong alagaan," Jachin moved closer to her and then gently took her hand that was resting on her lap, at pinagsalikop ang mga daliri nila, savoring the warmth, knowing how his next words might affect her.

"But I'm sorry I can no longer be that person for you."

A soft sob racked through Mila's chest and she felt Jachin squeezed her hand tighter—more reassuring, like he was telling her that she needed to be strong for the both of them. And just like before, alam niyang ito ang paraan ni Jachin para mapanatag ang loob niya. He was always her calm despite the now firm and clear determination in his eyes.

Mila was able to slowly wipe her tears and smile a little at Jachin. She knew that he knew it wasn't genuine, but it was also no longer his responsibility to make sure it was. "I'm leaving."

Bumalik ang tingin ni Jachin kay Mila.

"I'm leaving for the US next week," Mila started. "May mga relatives si Mommy doon na sinabing subukan naming magpagamot abroad for better chances of her getting better, with more advanced medical treatment. And Mom agreed, as long as I come with her."

"Kailan ang balik mo?"

Malumanay na ngumiti si Mila. "I don't know. I'm not enrolling this semester, so probably longer than that. Hindi ko rin alam kung mag-e-enroll ako doon to finish college. But we'll see how it goes. Lahat naman 'yon magdedepende sa kalagayan ni Mommy."

"So you're. . . moving?"

Mila nodded and slowly gave Jachin's hand that was still holding hers, a few pats. "Something like that."

Humingang malalim si Jachin bago dahan-dahang binitawan ang kamay ni Mila. "Mag-iingat ka. Sa ibang bansa 'yon. Ingatan mo ang sarili mo, Mila. Wala kami nina Rigo do'n para manuntok ng mang-aapi sa 'yo. 'Di ka namin abot kamay."

The corner of her mouth quirked up. "It's alright. May sarili kayong buhay dito, at may mga sarili kayong problema. I wouldn't want to add to that—I think I've done enough of that sa 'yo, sa inyo."

When everything's been said and done, the two of them now felt the comfortable silence that, whether or not they knew they needed, felt like a finality; a closure of sorts.

"'Di tayo nakapuntang Antipolo. We never had that first date." Jachin said, breaking the now bearable silence.

Mila's eyes widened in realization and she slapped his arm softly. "Oh, yeah! Well. . . we got busy. And hindi na natin ulit napag-usapan."

"Pagbalik mo na lang?"

Bahagyang natawa si Mila. She didn't know when or if she would ever come back, but it was nice to know that he was optimistic, even if it was now for a different reason. "Sure."

Jachin stood up and placed both of his hands inside the front pockets of his hoodie. "Hatid ka namin sa airport bago ka umalis, ah. Pustahan si Rigo ang unang iiyak sa 'tin."

"Of course," Mila laughed. "But you, don't cry. Kasi iiyak ako."

Jachin shrugged. "'Di mo sure. Iiwan mo kami, eh."

"Just for a little while."

They both knew that that wasn't really true, but Jachin just let her promise. Para naman may panghawakan siya at ang mga kaibigan nila.

He stood in front of her for a while, contemplating whether he should ask the question that was lingering in his mind for quite a while now.

He decided that this might be the only opportunity he was going to have. "Si Evie 'yon, 'no?"

Mila looked up to him, confusion written on her face. "Huh?"

"The one you were scared of losing me to."

Mila didn't expect his question, nor how quick he realized that. But she nodded nonetheless, because it was the truth. Seeing him with Evie made her realize that he might fall in love with her. And it scared her.

But now that Mila understood how wrong she was for everything she did just to make Jachin stay with her, she was no longer afraid to admit that.

"Then I want you to apologize to Evie before you leave."

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