So I first released 'Blowin' Me Up' and it was a success. Or at least something we could have drawn on. But my album release postponed two times backwards because of my manager at that time and also this super bowl thing happened. I would talk about it, but let me summarize it as: My album sucked asses. Kind of no one bought it and I was sad that no one seemed to care about me. Everything plotted against me. Or at least it felt like. It was the time I needed Justin most.

Yeah... and what happened? He ripped out my heart and trod it on the floor. In short: I saw him kissing a strange girl in our bedroom. Don't know where he got to know her or what they had done before. How often he met her before. My heart was just broken. Justin pretended he wouldn't know this girl... But what did I expect? That he would stop cheating, when he was back again? That he would at least respect our private bedrooms as a place for just us two? I was really naïve. It was the time I put down the ring and left. You know I was always supportive. I went to every single performance he had and that was how he thanked me. Lance was so right. And he was the one I wanted to go.

I grabbed a few of my clothes and my toothbrush and disappeared. And yes, I didn't let Justin explain himself. But as already No Doubt mentioned: 'Don't tell me 'cause it hurts'. I didn't want to hear his lame excuses and I didn't want him to explain himself. Maybe he realized at least that I wasn't a girl at all. Who knows...

So I went to Lance. And hell yeah, I was crying so hard that my throat started to hurt and my eyes started to burn. I cried so long and hard until no tear came into my eyes. I cried out every lachrymal fluid I had and kept going crying. Only with no more tears. Lance actually figured out what happened next day. I can't remember falling asleep, but I guess I was exhausted from crying. So I slept until the next morning in Lance arms. And god my head hurt so much.

Lance was so kind to bring me breakfast, coffee and a painkiller to bed. Then I told him anything and even though I expected it, he didn't tell me that he had told me. As a real friend would do. So he offered me to stay at his place until I brought my own. I would've never expected I had to search for my own house. I thought Justin and I would be together forever. But you can't have everything. And if the story would end here, I might had forgiven him in time.

So the next years the public didn't get to hear much from me. I was almost dead for the paparazzi. I barely went out of my new house and yeah. Maybe I should start with that. My new house was a randomly picked one. I mean I needed to get out as fast as I could and so I picked one, which already had furniture in. And except for some pictures and my instruments I didn't change a lot. I didn't try to make it comfortable for me. I told myself I wouldn't deserve it. I asked myself what I did wrong. Why I couldn't uphold Justin. But the result was always the same: I wasn't worth it. I wallowed in self-pity and depression. I even started to drink. And no it wasn't all Justin's fault. I could have pulled myself together and go on in my life. But instead I let myself down. And you know if you don't believe in yourself and if you aren't convinced to deserve being happy than no one can help you. I swear, Lance tried often enough, but even he had to give up after a time.

I never thought of killing myself. Suicide was never an option. But I was close to, if I'm honest. And then I met him. When I was out buying groceries, because I hadn't anything at home and didn't eat a thing in two days. At the third day my hunger was almost killing me. So yeah I looked so devastated and didn't watch out and boom. I ran into a young guy. We both fell to the floor. Directly I started mumbling some excuses until I looked up. I thought some kind of an angel would smile at me, when I saw his apologizing, smiling expression.

"I am so sorry, I didn't watch out where I was going."

Surprised I stared at him until he raised an eyebrow in confusion. Suddenly I shook my head to get /my mind free. "No-No I am sorry. I should've looked out better."

He laughed a little while we picked up the things he let fall in our collision. "Oh, Chinese food?" I asked, when I picked up a can of Asian vegetables.

"Yeah, it's my favorite food." he answered scratching his neck sheepishly.

"Mine too." I smiled and blushed a moment later. I mean I barely knew that guy, so why would I've told him? But he started smiling more confidently now. "Maybe we should cook then together at some time."
I nodded directly. "Sounds great." I almost whispered. I felt like a little school boy again. This guy made me freak out and broke out something I thought I had left with Justin.

"So what's your name, Sweetie?" he asked me winking.

I blushed again. "JC."

"I'm Chase. Here is my number. Call me, if you're hungry." He gave me a little note with his name and number and went to the check stand. Gosh, I was delighted with him. So Chase (Crawford) and I started dating. And surely I started to care about myself again. I shaved and washed me regularly again. And even Lance seemed to like him. We met us on double dates with his previous boyfriend and yeah. I had such a good time. Yeah, until he appeared in front of my front door with my favorite flowers in his hands.

Chace had left a few minutes ago, when the doorbell rang. I thought he had missed something. He did often and I kind of thought it was cute. On my way I was searching for anything that belonged to him, so I could hand it over directly at the door, but I actually didn't find anything. So I just opened the door and directly froze. I didn't expect Justin to stand four years after our breakup in front of my door. The only time I had seen him was at his Futuresex/Lovesound tour, where I couldn't resist but had to see him. And I was glad he looked fine and Britney was, too. Even though we didn't meet privately back then. Oh and at his album release. But I just wanted to show him my support, even though we broke up. And there we also said 'Hi.' and 'Bye.' on that evening.

"Hey..." he almost whispered.

"Hey." I replied a few seconds later, which felt like two eternities to me.

"Can I come in?" he asked and I just nodded. I stepped aside to let him enter my house. I was so confused. Thousands of questions ran through my head like: 'Why is he here? Why does he has flowers in his hands? Why now?' and so on. Silently I led him to the living room and offered him a seat by pointing at the couch. He did as I showed him and stuck the flowers towards me.

"You like Amaryllis, don't you?" he asked a little insecure.

I nodded and took them. "Thanks." I mumbled. He stroke over his shaved head, while I started to find an empty vase to put the flowers in.

"So... Why are you here?" I asked, when I reentered the living room.

"I just wanted to enquire how you doing." he answered.

"Fine. And you?"

"Fine, too."

An awkward silent spread between us. None of us knew what to tell the other. It was more than awkward for both of us.

"Look, JC. I know you were mad at me and we both did mistakes in the past..." he started talking, while I just listened starring at the ground. "... and I respect that you don't want to hear any excuse or explanation... I... I just miss you."

"You should've thought about it, before you cheated..."

"I didn't cheat!" he screamed madly and interrupted me so. I looked up in confusion and closed my mouth to let him speak. "I know it looked clear to you, but when did you stopped trusting me? I wasn't only your partner, but also your best friend. Please give me another chance."

"Justin..." I sighed. "It took me a long time to come over you. And I am happy now with Chace. I don't know, if I could give all this up..."

I saw the frustration and disappointment in his eyes, but he just sighed and nodded. "At least let us be friends again. Ok?"

I nodded. I thought that would be fine to me. And as I mentioned I didn't blame him for everything that went wrong in my life. By that time I was judge at ABDC and my career was up again. Not as a singer, but as a songwriter. And I also liked to stand in the back and just be creative by writing songs that others could record.

But when I told Chace about it he wasn't really happy. Au contraire, he was pretty mad that I wanted to hang out with my ex. The upshot was that we broke up. And I was alone again. And I really wasn't good in being alone. And I don't know why I didn't go to Lance in the first place, but to Justin, when I needed to talk to somebody. Anyways, I drove to his place after I wrote him a message, if he had some time for me. And when I told him he stroke my back and told me that Chace wouldn't deserve my love, if he didn't understand the friendship between him and me. Justin was so understanding and caring. And yeah... At the end of the day I wasn't single anymore. Actually I didn't even spend the night alone. And even though I did love Chace, I remembered how much more I did love Justin. And he was also better in bedroom, if you get the reference. You might think now that in a short time I had been unhappy again, but Justin had changed in a way I couldn't had ever imagined. He brought me out on dates, asked for my day and listened to my stories or at least acted like he was interested. And I was so glad he had changed this way. Now you might think he disguised himself, but you thought wrong. He just took care of our relationship. And surely I kind of rewarded him by giving him blowjobs backstage at ABDC for example. Even though I am not proud of it... But it was so cute he picked me up after work that I couldn't reject him... A few times... And yes he was still a macho, but I loved him for being one. And the way he acted I didn't even bothered about him calling me girly nicknames like princess. It was just his way to show me his love. But the most amazing thing was that he convinced me to make another solo album. He even promised me to record it by himself, so it wouldn't end up in another Schizophrenic disaster. He was such an amazing guy. He still is somehow... But... It's too late now. I'll tell you later why.

So when we were almost done with the half album and already released promotion CDs of my new single 'You ruined me', where I had to swear to god that it wasn't about Justin and me (I hope at the pearly gates god won't blame me for that lie), Jive started to mess with me up again. They told me there were some issues with the releasing date and wanted to postpone the date as they did with Schizophrenic. That was the time, when I plunked down everything. Justin wanted to convince me to move on, but I was sick of it. I didn't want to hear anything about this solo thing ever again. I knew Justin was disappointed that I gave up, but could anyone blame me for that? That was my last try to stand in the center. From that day on I started to produce only and maybe sang as a featuring artist on albums. Surely I also sang on little events, but I didn't start a third try and won't do that.

At the day, where I told Jive I would quit, I was alone there. Justin had heard it from those idiots before I could tell him personally and yeah. It ended up in our first fight after our reunion.

"Do you want to tell me anything, Babe?" he welcomed me, when I entered our house annoyed.

"I actually thought I could relax a little and cuddle up with you. In front of the TV? We can watch football, if you like." I offered conciliatory.

I knew something was wrong, when Justin didn't agree with my idea. "And how about a Blowjob?"

Justin hesitated for a second. "N-No... No I want you to tell me the truth."

"Which truth?" I raised an eyebrow.

"You quit?" he asked angrily and gnashed his teeth.

"I..." Sighing I was aghast. "Who told you?" I asked finally. I gave up pretending not to know what he was talking about.

"Your manager told me. Or should I say your former manager?"

"Idiot..." I mumbled annoyed. "It's just..."

"It's just what? I thought I was supporting you. I thought we were a team."

"We... We are." I admitted sadly.

"Oh sure... That's why you are giving up, right?"

"Justin... It's not like that..."

"It's not? Sure? See I don't want to bitch around like you do, but I'm mad! You just relinquish everything we were working on, because you are just too afraid to fail again!"

"Yes, I am afraid. So what?"

"So keep running away. But if you do, you'll stay a loser."

"Justin..."

"The loser you always were!"

I shook my head in disbelieve. I couldn't perceive that Justin actually thought that way about me.

"Don't act like I would've lied. I tell you something, Josh. I won't apologize this time. Because this time the only one messed up was you." Justin left the room.

I didn't change my mind though, but I apologized a few days later. I know how hard Justin tried to push my career. I told him how thankful I was. But I couldn't take another setback. Especially none that resembled the one from 2004 so much. So we did cancel the idea. Instead I kept going with ABDC as a judge, even though I knew this wouldn't last forever.

So I kept going with my life and Justin did too. It sounds like we separated somehow and even though we lived together we did so. We drifted apart in a way we didn't notice. I did my thing and Justin did his. He was often underway doing movies, recording songs or producing them or creating his own fashion with his friend. I was so proud of him, but I wasn't part of his life. When we went out we were more like friends. And when we came back the only thing that was different was having sex. No kissing, no sweet nothings and no cuddling. Maybe Justin was afraid that the public could notice us as a couple, but at this point of time I couldn't understand this fear. I mean being gay wasn't anything to hide anymore. There were already some homosexual guys making their career. For example Neil Patrick Harris. And no one can tell me he didn't do a good job as a playboy in 'How I Met Your Mother'.

Back to topic, I guess I was embarrassing Justin. Look, otherwise he wouldn't insist on being totally straight. He didn't even tell his friends about us. Only the guys from *NSYNC and his producer Timbaland knew it. Noone else was allowed to know. So guess what, what will happen will happen. I constrained him to decide between his reputation and me. And I wouldn't say he is an asshole today, if he decided for me at the end.

So here we are. Justin and I are somehow still friends. I don't know why I can't let go of him. Some weird kind of masochismus. Surely I skipped some parts of my life, but I didn't want to write a novel or something. My therapist told me, if I would write down everything what happened between Justin and me, I could let go. But that was bullshit. Instead I am sitting here and cry, because I am mad of Justin, but mostly of myself. I let go the love of my life and he found someone else now. He's now with Jessica Biel and they have a son. So I guess he loves her and so. Why can't I go on just as he does? Why isn't it granted to me to be happy again? Why wasn't it me he married in Italy? I was there at theor marriage by the way. I really must hate myself to punish me this way. I couldn't bear the ceremony itself, it hurt too much, but I was there and I congratulated both of them. Jessica is a really nice girl. Just as Britney is. You can't hate her. And I don't, but sometimes I catch myself wishing to live her life. To be so happy with Justin, just as we never could.

The doorbell rings and pries JC out of his thoughts. A little terrified he stares at the front door until he realizes what happened. He was so deep in thoughts that he forgot anything around him. Once the doorbell rings again, JC is moving. He puts the laptop away, where he was writing his story down , brushes his tears away and enters the hall to open the door. He is surprised, when he sees Justin standing in front of him.

"Hey." The younger man is greeting his friend and slaps shortly on JC's shoulder, before he enters the house. "What's up?"

"Nothing really..." JC answers.

"Look, who I brang along." With these words Justin steps aside so JC can finally see the little Silas, who hide behind Justin, just as he did, when they first met. "You don't have to be afraid of uncle JC. He is the nicest guy on the whole planet."

Silas starts to smile a little and hugs JC immediately. "Wow, he's sweet." The brown haired says and strokes the long, curly hair of the little one. "How old is he now?"

"Show him how old you are." Justin invites his son. Silas raises his hands and shows two fingers saying in a high, lisp voice: "I am two years old!"

"Wow, you are almost adult." JC responds acting like he is totally impressed. "Want some chocolate milk?"

Silas eyes wide and he nods directly so JC and Justin have to laugh at the same time. "You want a beer?" JC asks his friend, while he already turned around to enter the kitchen.

"Sure why not. Jess doesn't allow alcohol in front of the child. She also doesn't allow any kind of candy and don't you dare to give Silas some fast food."

JC smiles sadly. Even though Justin complains about Jessica, JC knows how much he appreciates her. The older one openes the fridge to grab the milk and a bottle of beer, as Justin openes some drawers to find something unhealthy to eat.

"Josh are you serious?! This is the same healthy sh... I mean stuff Jessica uses to buy..."

"So what's the matter?" JC asks a little confused, while he spoons the cocoa powder in a glass.

" The matter is that this stuff tastes absolutely disgusting."

"Disgusting!" Silas repeats Justin and sticks out his tongue.

"You should be a rolemodel to your son and eat the 'healthy stuff' how you like to call it."

"Oh come on... I'm pretty sure you have something tasty here... Come on, C..."

JC sighes, before he opens a hanging locker to pull out three different sorts of cereal.

"Josh, you are the best!" Justin exclaims happily and kisses him on his cheek, before he grabs all three boxes to mix all of them in one bowl.

JC shakes his head in disbelieve and tries to suppress any thoughts concerning the kiss. He hands Silas the glass of chocolate milk and opens the beer. He starts nipping on it, when Justin complains with a full mouth of cereal.

JC raises an eyebrow, because he didn't understand a word Justin was saying.

"That's my beer!" Justin repeats his words, when he swallowed.

"You are eating cereal now... I thought you don't want it anymore."

Sceptically Justin surveys JC. "How long do you know me now?"

"About more than twenty years... Why?" JC answers confused.

"Then you shouldn't think something such absurd." Justin grabs the beer and drinks a gulp out of it, while JC watches him with a disgusted expression.

"Silas, wanna go out play something?" Justin asks and Silas directly nods. He runs through the house and spills most of his drink.

"Sorry..." Justin excuses.

"It's fine." JC laughs and shakes his head in amusement.

"The reason why I came over..." Immediately JC freezes and surveys him beseechingly. "...I want to say sorry..."

"Sorry for what?"

But instead of answering Justin just shakes his head and turns on the TV in the kitchen, switching the channel to Fox News. JC raises an eyebrow and is about to ask, what Justin's behavior is all about, when he sees his friend in the News. The big heading shown below the hoster says "Justin Timberlake came out of the closet."

Immediately JC hears his friend growling deeply. "I told them, I am not freaking gay."

"What is this about?" JC asks even more confused then before.

"Look, Baby... Why do we make our lives miserable? You love me, I love you and we both should be together. And I want you to say yes, because the freaking news says I am gay now..."

"When you aren't gay, then why do you want to date me?" JC asks sighing.

"I know the reason now! I am not gay, BUT I am gay for you."

"That doesn't even make sence."

"Shut up and kiss me."

"What about your wife?"

"Jessica is a lesbian and before you ask we didn't marry in Italy, she married her girlfriend back then. But Mister 'I am too busy to be punctual' missed the ceremony."

Now JC gets speechless. He never has expected that.

"Great, you shut up, but the kissing part is still missing..." Justin remarks.

"Justin, so much happened between us..."

"Shut up and kiss me."

"We shouldn'T"

"Shut up and kiss me."

"Would you please let me finish my..."

"Shut up and..."

Now JC also interrupts Justin. But instead of repeating the same sentence he lies his lips on Justin's and starts moving. The taller one grabs JC's hips and pulls him close to him. Both feel like something came back, which they lost a long time ago. JC's body starts to shake and his knees get weak.

When they finally separate Justin strokes JC's cheek. "But now your reputation is busted..." JC whispers precarious.

Justin smiles. "I don't care, as long as you love me."

ng>