I had been prepared to be terrified of stepping foot inside of a school after the massacre. What I'd never imagined is being in total fear for my safety anytime I was in a crowded place.

Since I had pushed aside every other big event at Oasis, I had somehow managed to allow Javi, Angela, and Garrett to talk me into Prom. The very idea of attending felt like a punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of me, as it would be far from how my senior prom should be. Miles should be showing up in his rusty old truck, shifting anxiously as he looks back and forth between my parents before they agree and let me go with him, if he promises to have me back before midnight. Or I'd turn into a pumpkin, as my father liked to joke. We'd spend most of the night slow dancing and laughing, and Brady would manage to sneak a very uncoordinated dance in with both of us before he'd lead Miles off to go spike some punch and get snapped at by chaperones and school staff about it.

This would be far from that. My parents were states away and I hadn't spoken with my mom in over two months. Nobody would be at the door to see me off, Miles wouldn't be standing outside waiting, and Brady would never make his rounds.

"Are you ok, Everly?" Angie asked now, pointing her chopsticks at me from across the table, thin, dark brows arched. I dropped my gaze to my bouncing leg under the table and dug my nails into my thigh to stop it. "You've been anxious since we got here."

I'd been anxious, because any time I heard any loud noise I was looking over my shoulder or ducking into a corner, cowering. Because my PTSD didn't just stop at school-it followed me everywhere I went.

"I know you didn't want to come today." She continued, picking up some chow Mein between the sticks. "I know you don't want to go to Prom. But I appreciate you coming with me. All my friends dipped last second for that dumb music festival."

I nodded but didn't respond. My eyes flickered over her shoulder to a man in a black hoodie, hands tucked into the pockets of it. I started to push out of my chair, eyes hyper fixating on his hands, before he pulled both out to reveal a paper list of some kind. Releasing a shaky breath, I lowered myself back into my chair and propped my chin on my hand.

"I promise we'll find you the perfect dress." She said, smiling. "And you'll have a great night, I'll make sure of it."

I tried to force a smile but was sure from her end it looked more like a grimace. I appreciated the hope she still had inside her, the love and dedication. But there was no way in absolute hell that she was going to be able to ensure I wouldn't completely fall apart Friday night.

*

Angie's pick for me was a floor length Cinderella like dress. Off the shoulders, lace sleeves, and a slight dip in cleavage that she promised to fill with one of her necklaces. I'd liked it enough, I suppose. It wasn't the beautiful sea green I'd worn to Miles' Prom last year, but it'd do. Especially since I'd lost so much weight the last seven months that it took over two hours to find a dress that fit.

By the time Angie had dropped me off at Garrett's, the first of the April showers had rolled in and I slipped inside before I could get drenched. Garrett was on the edge of the couch, shouting profanities at both Javi standing in front of the TV, and at whoever they were playing against. I tried to slip past, but Javi paused the game and threw a look at me over his shoulder.

"Hey!" he greeted with a small smile. "How'd it go? Did Ang play dress up?"

"She tried to make me go get my nails and eyebrows done." I said as I lifted the bag from the dress shop in my hand. "Luckily I was able to convince her that this was as far as she was going to get with me."

Both boys laughed and, to my relief, returned to their game. I headed down the hallway to Garrett's room and pulled the dress out to hang in the closet. Once I had set it on my side of the rack, I made my way to his bed and pulled my phone from my back pocket. I'd missed a call from Dad, who'd evidently left a voicemail and text message assuring he just wanted to check in-and that he wanted to see the dress.

What had me tensing was a message from Hilary. I opened it and instantly wished I hadn't. The photo was from last year, the night of Prom. I hadn't even realized it'd been taken. I had been gently shoving at Miles' chest, my head turned in the other direction, probably talking to Brady, but Miles was looking down at me as if I were a priceless artifact. The smile on his face was usually one I only saw when we were in private, but it was so bright, so genuine, that it lit up the entire picture.

"Everly, sweetheart, I picked up some of these. . . are you alright, honey?"

I quickly shut my phone off and set it on the bed beside me before looking to Felicity in the doorway, holding a few grocery bags. She set them in front of the closet before joining me at the end of her son's bed. She reached out and rested her hand on my own, currently squeezing the life out of my knee cap.

"Garrett thinks that I've moved on." Felicity says quietly. "He thinks that I've done my fair share of mourning Rose. That eventually I'll forget about her entirely. That couldn't be the furthest from the truth. She was this. . . this huge ray of light in everyone's lives. Garrett used to worship the ground she walked on-even when it became a very wobbly, broken bridge that he became afraid to cross."

I stared at her in a prompting manner, not knowing how to respond. She inhaled, exhaled, then continued.

"After she passed, I'd spend night after night in her bed, crying until I was numb. Some of those nights, Garrett would come in and lay beside me, and I could see he understood that this wasn't just going to go away. But I think. . . I think for him, after his father left, it became easier for him to pretend it didn't hurt. That he didn't miss her. That he didn't wonder why she'd done what she did."

She finally raised her head once more and looked to me at her left. "I thoroughly believe that my son needs you as much as you need him, Everly. It may seem like that's far from the reality of it, but it's the truth. I also want you to understand that internalizing all that you feel, keeping it in so you don't burden others or whatever your reason may be, will end up hurting you, sweetheart. My daughter tried so hard to outrun everything that once it all caught up to her, it consumed her entirely. I would never, ever wish for anyone else to have to live this way-to experience the horrors you have. And in no way do I understand it, but I'm here if you want to talk about it."

I could feel the knot growing in my throat as I mustered up a weak response, "I'm just. . . this wasn't how it was supposed to be."

She brushed my hair off my forehead. "What do you mean?"

"Prom. My life! I'm alone, Felicity. My mom doesn't talk to me, my father is so busy that he only calls once a week. My brothers murdered forty people! One is dead and one might as well be!" my voice finally caught in my throat. "I feel like no matter how hard I try to push forward I have resistance in every direction."

"Oh, honey." She breathed, tears in her eyes. "You are not alone. You have Garrett and me. You have thousands of people outside that door standing behind you and your fight to end all this. I know it's hard, I know you're scared and hurt and angry, and I hate that I can't promise you a timeline on when it'll get better, easier. But it will, Everly. It just won't happen overnight."

I shook my head. "I understand that. I just. . . I feel like I'll never be me again."

"You won't." she said, earning a startled look out of me. "Because the girl you were before all that happened is gone, honey. You can try as hard as you want to dig her back out, to try and bring her to the surface again, but I think. . . I think that she may be better left locked away. You have grown, you have changed, you have experienced. It has changed your entire outlook and perspective of life itself, a lot of it bad, but some of it, Everly, some of it is for the better."

"I miss them."

She tilted her head a fraction. "Your brothers?"

"No, I mean. . . fuck, I guess a part of me does actually miss who they used to be, who I thought they were." I said through a sniffle. "I meant my parents, my boyfriend and friend. It's so different here, and I don't think Garrett truly understands that."

"I don't think he does either." Felicity agreed. "Because he's never experienced what you did."

"I'd never want him to."

"Oh, I know, honey. But I. . . you can't go back and change what happened. Just like I can't go back and see the warning signs in my daughter and save her from herself." Felicity wiped at her dampening cheeks. "You have to accept what happened in order to move on from it. You can't keep expecting for it to change or be erased. It happened. It won't go away. But it's up to you to try your absolute hardest to get through it."