artgirl 14: GRAVITY

"If you're gonna try and walk on water, make sure you wear your comfortable shoes," Piledriver Waltz, Arctic Monkeys

2 bombs about to be dropped. be prepared, my dearest rosebuds. 

previously on artgirl:

Zoey and Nico are in Silvercrest for the holidays/ Zoey's mom's wedding. Zoey is happy with her life. She and James are on good terms, ish. Zoey's mom is marrying kind Rafael. Zoey had a talk with Nico on their "island" a week before this. That was the last time they've talked since.

play "gravity" by sara bareilles when i tell you to. 

Nicolas Bear Forrest

     EVERYTHING breaks. There is a beginning to every end and an end to every beginning, I believed. You had the volition between which would be the broken point, what would destroy you for a moment in time. Heartbreak ended when you began loving the sweet embrace of time, instead of dreading it. You pushed away all of the memories and locked them into a small box, one that you threw under your bed, to let the monsters devour. You could choose to become friends with those monsters.

When people break, you cannot fix them. There isn't enough tape and glue to put flesh back together. When people break, it is often because someone got to their biggest weakness, the equivalent to Achilles' heel. The stories talked of him as a warrior with unseen strength and valor, destined to forever remain undefeated. But the moment his heel was struck by an arrow, all of that vanished into thin air. That vulnerability was anything that your life began to surround and protect at all costs.

I had never witnessed such a fall, not even when my mum died. My dad had always been stronger than I ever had been, his grief was silent. He understood that life had to go on, even with a broken heart. I had never fallen so deeply, I'd always been able to climb out of the hole. Even when I preferred alcohol over people, when I felt as if I was alone in the world, when I took everyone and everything for granted. There were seven billion people on this earth, and out of them, only a few succeeded in helping me out of that sadness. When you lose a piece of yourself, you fill it with a new one. Because feeling hollow can be eternal, but it can also be momentary, if you're lucky enough.

My luck came from my dad and from Zoey. My dad was smart enough to grab me by the collar and give me a reality check, one that included moving onto a completely different continent. Zoey—she changed me without even realizing it. If all the wilderness and simple beauty in the world gathered into one person, it would be her. I didn't even understand how I felt about her anymore.

Instead of spending my time thinking about her, I drove to the nearest gym to Silvercrest, which was a solid twenty minutes away. Today was a big day—Zoey's mom was getting married. I decided that I should let go of any jitters emanating from seeing Zoey again this morning, to distract myself from my overbearing thoughts. Loving her was hard, but I was tired. I didn't want to put more effort than

The place was basically empty, as it was only 9 a.m. I heard two pairs of laughter towards the weights, which felt strangely familiar. A pit of dread formed at the idea of seeing someone I knew, I always referred my workouts to be a battle between myself and my limits.

A dark boy and a blonde were making jokes about men who were composed of 100% muscles, whose arms could knock down a door with one punch. I almost debated leaving at that very moment, but the thought was gone as soon as it came. I dropped my gym bag in a locker, went out towards the weights.

Joel was the first to see me. He hadn't changed much since the last time I'd seen him. We had accidentally ended up at the same grocery store this time two years ago. He chose to ignore me, or hadn't really seen me. "Nico!" he said.

"Joel," I couldn't pretend I didn't see him. So, I headed towards them. James' eyes flashed with annoyance when he saw me, but one he kept to himself.

"Good to see you, man," said Joel.

"You too."

He patted my shoulder with enough force to make me realize that even though he still looked like a kid, he didn't act like one. He wasn't built like one. Not anymore. "You do realize that the only reason I'm not tackling you and hurting you is because Zoey believes you're a good guy and she warned me not to break your face?" His voice was awfully threatening, but he couldn't really pull it off.

Once I'd said: "Absolutely," he gave me a big hug, one that could never be as big as his smile.

"I missed you, man! How've you been? Aside from all the James and Zoey drama, no offense, James," he turned to his friend for a moment, apologetic, then back to me.

"All right, I guess."

James stood up and held out his hand to me, "good to see you, man."

"You too," I shook his hand, and then looked at Joel. "I heard you're getting married."

His grin widened, if that was even possible. (And blushed, but his face was always flushed, anyway.) "You heard right. I'm very happy."

"Scared to death, aren't you?"

"Fuck yeah," he laughed, "I don't know what I'm doing, but you know. If I found someone as amazing as her while not having a single clue what I'm doing, then I must be doing something right."

He couldn't be more right—or smart. When you find that one person, the person who makes the pieces of every puzzle fall in place, you couldn't do anything but hold onto them for as long as you possibly could. No one had any idea of how easily they could slip away, whether it was in the space of a second or years. Falling in love was as easy as falling out of it, perhaps even easier. Falling in love was to learn everything about someone and to love it all, but falling out of love was to hate everything about that person. It was not seeing the quirks with love, but with annoyance.

"Good for you, then," I said, smiling. His happiness was contagious. "You deserve someone like her."

"Not even a little, but thanks. You heading to the wedding later?"

"Yeah."

Joel gave James an amused look only they could understand. "Well, James and I were just arguing about who would drive home. Now that you're here—"

"We could make things a little more interesting," James added. His skin shone with sweat. Even though he was smiling, I saw the slight discomfort behind his eyes. The last time we'd spoken was after the big blowout at Zoey's house. He stayed with me for one more night before heading back home, without saying much. "How about a competition? Whoever can bench-press 250lbs quicker drives to the wedding—and chooses the music."

"I'm driving with my dad, though. Was kind of hoping I'd spend some time with him before I headed back home."

The blond shrugged, "that's cool. But I hurt my arm falling off the hover board thing I got for Christmas. You do it in my place, against James."

"I'm down," said James, instinctively flexing.

For some reason, the idea seemed stress-relieving. A competition against James couldn't prove much, but there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to do it. We had the same build. If he wasn't going to back down, neither was I.

"Me too," I said. I could usually bench 200lbs on a good day. This couldn't pose any problem at all.

James was awfully cocky. A smirk was glued on his face, as he got in position, placing the plates on the bar. Joel was practically bouncing on his feet. He pulled me aside and got unbelievably close to my face. We were at a proximity that allowed me (unfortunately) to smell the protein shake on his breath and to see every strand of facial hair on his face—which were fine and blond.

"Listen, Nicolas. You gotta win this, bro. For me. For us. For you. Mainly for me. Diana gets pissed when I drive. James plays Kanye West on full blast. You have to save me. Do you understand?" His eyes twinkled and I wondered how the state saw him as an adult, "or do I have to get my face even closer to yours for you to understand?"

"I got it."

He hit my shoulder and whisper-shouted: "Yes! Okay! Nico, my boy. He got this."

I settled into my place, flexed and relaxed my hands. I glanced at James, who was fully concentrated on winning. From the split second when Joel started both stopwatches, two grunts could be heard. I put all of my willpower on winning, on lifting that weight.

Everything faded away: James's struggle, Joel's silent cheering and the stress I put on my shoulders. I saw the bar go higher than my head and stretch along with my arms, then go back down.

It was only when I sat up and saw Joel's grinning face announce that I won. I was done five seconds before James was. Joel laughed in James's face, but I noticed that James had a constricted look on his face.

"You alright, mate? It was just a game."

James nodded, forced a smile. "I'm fine. Good job," he looked back at Joel. "You son of a bitch, no country music or else, I'll kick you out of the car. Got it?"

"Oh no, I'm not choosing the music. Diana is. You're going to be listening to Taylor Swift's 2010 album all the way there, without a single complaint."

Then followed a series of cusses so profane that I couldn't help but laugh.

-

     I'D never been a big fan of weddings. They were sappy and cost too much for a day that would end up being a memory. I was thinking that if I ever got married, it would be the simplest of days. It would be a day like any other, except that I'd be married to someone I wanted to love with all of my heart and wake up everyday next to. I didn't like the big dresses, the loud music or the drama that often happened in it. I went only when I had to, or when I actually liked the bride and groom.

If it was up to me—I'd get married in a small hall, maybe my favorite restaurant, or hers. At our favorite spot in the entire world. I'd have only two people there: my dad and Adrian. She'd have whoever she wanted there too. We'd spend the next few days in bed, by an ocean or in a cabin in the mountains. None of it mattered, as long as I was lucky enough to fall in love with someone who made the skies change color by smiling, someone who I'd have to associate my definition of "beautiful" to.

Thinking about weddings always hurt. They reminded me of how lonely I was; that I had to wake up alone every morning. (With the smell of Adrian making breakfast, but that was far from the point.)

At this age, no one cared much about being in love. It was always all about sex, booze and trying to get through college without failing. Honestly, sometimes it was better that way. Life was easier.

Life was also lonelier. After spending the night with a girl, she/I would go home. Fall asleep alone. Have 3 am thoughts alone. Remember her name only when I kissed another girl. I'd get drunk, and then have a hangover that felt like I'd just risen from the dead and was slowly regaining full use of my body. I didn't sleep much, spent more time stressing about projects and exams than actually studying fully. I still managed to pass, repeat the same days over and over until they felt like a long one.

Finding someone meant that a single day felt like a million white, black, grey moments. All the routines that used to be disappear, and a new one doesn't happen again. When it does, the routine includes looking forward to going home, because home becomes the arms of someone.

That was exactly what I saw in Rafael's eyes when he saw Zoey's mom walk down the aisle. He wiped the tears off his cheeks and held her hand as if it was the most precious thing in the world. Zoey, Skye and Julia had walked their mom down the aisle, so seeing the beauty in those women was astounding. Zoey fought back the tears by blinking repeatedly and keeping a smile on her face. She said something to Rafael while letting her mom go, making the teary man laugh.

A minister pronounced the routine words slowly. Zoey's eyes scanned the hall carefully, smiling. She saw me in the back, gave me a smile. It was almost magical—the entire moment. Seeing her mom be at the happiest I'd ever seen her. To see Zoey be so pure, so content, so calm.

She crinkled her nose at me. I grinned. We weren't quite sure of what was going on, but went along with it. She looked away once the vows started.

"Oh God. Okay," Zoey's mom's voice was shaky. "Raf, until I met you, I didn't believe in love. I knew what it was, but I didn't think I'd ever have it again. I thought love was horrible. But you—you taught me that it was kind. You taught me that love is you eating cereal as dinner because I suck at cooking and still telling me that was the best meal you've ever had. Love is you still looking at me like I'm beautiful even if I've showed you many reason why not to think so. Thank you for making me believe in love, for giving me the chance and luck to love you. You, Rafael De Lima, are wonderful. And I can't wait to live the rest of my life with someone like you."

Zoey was fully crying, while Skye was smiling brightly and Julia looked at her mom with fascinated eyes. They held each other's hands tightly. Rafael was struggling to say his vows.

"Minha querida, you already know how much I love you. You are el amor da minha vida, everything that is bright in my life. I thought I'd grow old alone, but then I met you, Amanda. When I first saw you, I remember you were in the black skirt that makes you feel powerful. I thought: "my God, she is not ordinary." And since then, I've never felt alone. I learned how to love because of you, saw the world through your eyes. Oh, it has never been more beautiful. I am the luckiest man alive to have met you and your family. And I will spend the rest of my life loving you and taking care of you and your daughters, whom I will treat like my own. Eu te amo more than anything in this world."

Soon they kissed and I liked weddings for a few seconds. I couldn't help but look at Zoey. She was hooting at the loudest she'd ever been, cheering and smiling more than ever. She looked beautiful, in a red dress that suited her hair. Her eyes met mine for a moment as the room stood up for the newly wed, and she smiled.

I had no doubt that I felt something for her. My heart was bursting out of my chest, because seeing her happy also meant that I was happy for her. When we talked all night on Christmas, she reminded me why I'd fallen in love with her in the first place, and made me doubt the sentence I'd come back here believing. The one I'd repeated on the plane ride here.

I am not in love with you; I am in love with the idea of you.

If that was true, how come that every time I saw her, everything about life became easier? I wasn't lonely, because she filled up every empty crevice.

I am not in love with you, I changed my words. I am in love with everything you give me. And I don't think that is love. I am in love with your presence, not with you.

-

    WHEN catastrophes happen in movies, time often seems to slow down—or speed up. The world feels like it's crashing down on everyone's heads. Something's burning and everything is falling apart, but all in slow motion. The kiss, the heartbreak, the fire, the death—it all happens while defying nature. When something terrible happens, your world also falls apart.

When wonderful things happen, like love, it is the same thing. Or music, which seems to often be the panacea to all that isn't tangible. Anger, sadness—well, every feeling is described with music. After all, music is poetry in a certain voice. And poetry is an elegant (or completely chaotic) way of speaking your mind.

I saw that when I'd suffered my first real heartbreak; my dog Isaiah passed away in my arms when I was seven. I locked myself in my room for an entire weekend, refusing to get out before my parents could bring him back. It was my fault, I'd been running around the park and I crossed the street without any supervision. He'd followed me into the streets and gotten run over by a car. Then—my mom blasted Hey, Jude throughout the house until I felt better.

Ever since, music became my partner. So, when Zoey's mom asked me to sing one song at the wedding reception, I couldn't say no. I chose one song from the list she gave the band, and sang.

I looked around the room for Zoey, but only saw Diana staring at me. She was a forest fire that had been burning for four years. I began singing instantly, in hopes of softening her shoulders. The hungry, anxious crowd—nothing had been served yet, aside from champagne—settled down a little bit, opting to stay in their chairs and enjoy the show before the food arrived. My throat was parched, but with every verse, I felt myself relax and let the song envelop me. The lull of the music seemed to seep into everyone in the room, especially Zoey's mom. She continued dancing with her new husband. Soon, most of the couples were on the dance floor, including Diana and Joey.

I was quickly done with the song, and stepped down from the small stage. Diana whispered something in Joel's ear, to which he laughed and kissed her cheek. She walked to me, sat in front of me and crossed her legs. Joel soon followed.

She was very silent for just a moment, blue eyes analyzing me. Hers were a darker shade from Joel's, a set of storms that got even cloudier at my sight. She had gotten even prettier through the years; a soft, red curl framed her face perfectly. She seemed to fit into Joel's body much like a glove, one with huge nails intended for scratching my face off.

"You haven't changed one bit," she said.

"You too."

"Hm," she shrugged and turned to her fiancé, "champagne or wine? I'm starving and Zoey's trying to figure out what's taking them so long."

"Wine, champagne gets you all weird. There's chocolate in Zoey's bag."

She smiled at the mention of chocolate, kissed his cheek and said: "Can you go get me a glass and steal the chocolate? I need to talk to Nicolas over here." Joel mouthed: Good luck, before leaving me with his fiancé.

To say the least: I was terrified.

"As Zoey's best friend, I think you should know that I hated you for four months. You hurt her as a teenager, and that was a horrible move from your part."

"I'm aware of that."

"You also reappeared in her life in London."

"I also know that."

"I told you, when we were both younger, but I was still more mature than you, that I trusted you with her heart."

"I know. I remember."

She pursed her lips. "She moved to London knowing there was a 1% chance of seeing you again, and 99% because it's the only place far away from here with English as a dominant language."

I waited for her to continue, but she didn't. "Did she want to see me?"

"Listen, Nicolas. Listen carefully. If there was a chance of her wanting to see you, it wasn't because you were some kind of god. Do not flatter yourself. You gave her fucking anxiety. But before that, you made her float. She wasn't happy with James. She hadn't been for a while. And I know you think they broke up because he cheated, but there's a reason why she moved away. Why she's happier without him. She won't ever admit it. But she moved away 30% because she wasn't happy with him, but she couldn't bare the idea of hurting someone the way you hurt her."

I couldn't think, beyond her bizarre and probably inaccurate percentages. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I believe in soul mates. I believe that you're not an asshole anymore and if what Zoey said is true, that you broke your heart because you loved her, there is a chance you still do. That is all."

She stood up, and I did the same. Her heels made her as tall as me. "Thank you."

"Take care of her; you're the only person I know over there. I trust you with her, Nicolas."

"I will. I won't break that trust again."

She smiled a little and patted my shoulder with the lightest bit of disdain. "Good boy. Now, I'm going to go check on the food because I think Joel is telling all of Zoey's aunts his jokes again," she winced and started walking away.

(play Gravity by Sara Bareilles) 

Tick tock, time slows down when catastrophes happen.

As I watched her head to her boyfriend, a girl stepped out of a hotel kitchen holding her hand. I was far away, but the shock on her face was staggering. Her face was blank, pale as a cloudy sky. I saw her world fall apart in that very moment, I saw its fragments break and cause a danger hazard for anyone who went near.

Diana and I were the first to notice, she ran to her and I walked slowly, and then ran when there were a few meters separating us. Her hand was completely swollen, bleeding. She didn't say a word. Her happiness now felt like a ghost, a visitor she'd never see for a little bit.

Tick, tock. Catastrophe has arrived.

She seemed to have become deaf to her surroundings. Through Diana's worried words and me heading out to the car, the drive to the hospital. Diana tried to get anything out of her, but all Zoey said was: "I was trying to get the amuse-bouche tray out of the door. The hotel is missing waiters. I was holding one corner, the other waiter pushed too hard. My hand went between the corner and the door."

Tick, tock. Catastrophe is working its way into her veins.

I drove to the nearest hospital, trying not to speed. From the moment I'd met Zoey until now, I'd never seen her so heartbroken. The red dress she wore appeared to blend in with her hand, which she held like a feather. Nothing about her shook, no signs of anxiety showed.

Tick tock. Time gets back to normal when catastrophe has struck, and the sadness overcomes the shock.

The nurses told us that all the beds were full, accidents happened too often on New Year's Eve. We'd have to wait before being able to see anyone who could help her. They gave her ice and cleaned up her hand. She only flinched when they rubbed alcohol on her wound. She wasn't bleeding from a huge gash, but her right hand was still hurting like hell, at least it looked like it.

We sat in the waiting room. Diana warned me not to tell anyone or call anyone, at least not for now. Zoey added that she didn't want her mom's happy day to be ruined. She didn't speak since then, which was ten minutes ago. So, we simply sat there. Diana tried to comfort Zoey, but the latter didn't say a word. She didn't even cry, from the shock or from the pain.

When people break, you cannot fix them. Especially when the thing they hold dearest to heart is hurt. As long as that thing is hurt, they will never recover.

"I'm a righty, you guys," she suddenly said, an hour later, as if just realizing.

Then, she laughed. And I wondered if that was what the saddest laugh in the world sounded like.

Tick, tock. Catastrophe is laughing; she has made a new home out of a girl's life.

-

i'm oddly not satisfied with this chapter. but the next one will be much better, i can promise you that.

lemme make the connections if you're a bit tired like me:

bomb #1: zoey WAS unhappy with james before. she was lowkey, lowkey, 1% hoping to see nico again.

bomb #2: zoey's right hand is hurt--> she is a righty --> she paints for a living.

yes. i know. i completely understand that a zico moment could've happened. it still will, don't worry. it just won't be all roses  and ish.

so, WHAT HAPPENS NEXT??!! COMMENT YOUR GUESSES!

love, yas