*nervous laughter* 

soo... two things

1) i'm aware that i took so long to publish the bday one, and this month is like over at this point. i apologise for that. (or *snicker* apollogise— sorry wrong fandom-)

2) i'm not proud of this one-shot, even less proud of the time it took.

idk man don't ask😭😭

♔

also, that is by far, the best line break i've ever found^^

also, is it just me who imagines artemis having one of those shiny red phone covers?

something exactly like that↑

more expensive, tho, probably with a few diamonds studded in the side

also,, idk how y'all imagine his nails, but i imagine he grows a bit long (not much) and just paints them with that pink-coloured gloss. like, that's simplistic and suits him too, yk?

On another note, I think I've found Trouble Kelp's theme song: Ignite by Neoni.

Idk, the song just gives Trouble-vibes, though it could be possibly Holly? It just came in "my mix" and I immediately thought of Trouble, so yeah? But it could definitely be Holly

♔

I'm in love with that line break^^ so im gonna overuse it, ofc

Also, ykw, since I know I'm not going to end up editing the b'day one(apparently the inspiration for that was a one-time thing), might as well publish it as it is.

Keep in mind I wrote this before starting The Fowl Twins, so their personalities will be a bit inaccurate.

and, is it just me who thinks of Arty as a super good manipulator? probably all of us think so XD, but yeah; i think he has a habit of it, just tiny things sometimes, other times slightly bigger deals. like, he doesn't wanna talk to angeline? he's gonna subtly hint towards his life-trauma and barely guilt trip her but just enough so that she backs off for awhile and lets him exist peacefully. (personally, i dont see manipulation as a bad thing, but anyway-) or, if he wants someone to invest for the Fowl Industries (look at me, acting like i understand those words-) hes probably going to confuse tf outta them with maths and get them to agree, or just ✨ white lies ✨

anyway, i dont know a shit abt business, so i really just tried to wing it here

I used a different writing style than usual for this, so let's hope it turned out good.

[Trigger] Warning: swearing, cringe (there were some parts i just didn't know how to write), descriptions of a childish Artemis (no it can traumatising for some, trust me), the twins being smol beans

♔ (hahaha again-)

also, i've decided, this one-shot isn't dedicated to artemis's bday anyway. nope, it's now dedicated to minee! XD (if you're reading this the same day it's published, be sure to wish @pheonix_girl too: yes, i'm always this extra abt people's bdays)

anyway, now onto the actual oneshot-

♔

Artemis was pulled out of his sleep by something bumping against his face. Eyebrow twitching, he turned in his bed, not quite ready to get out yet. He would excuse himself for just one day; and what day more fitting than 1st of September, his own birthday?

"Beckett!" Said a frustrated young voice, in a whisper-shout. It was Myles. "Don't throw the boo-loons yet, dummy."

"So-rry-yy," Came the reply, the word purposely dragged out. Beckett.

Despite his sleepiness, Artemis was now intrigued, so he allowed his eyes to part in barely noticeable slits, and took in the scene through thick eyelashes.

While it didn't make the list of Top 5 Unexpected Scenes, that certainly didn't imply that Artemis wasn't surprised by what he saw. Dozens of balloons were blown, mainly red ones, and were messily taped to the walls. There was a hand-scribbled poster on one wall, and he could guess what it said. The Fowl twins themselves were tying balloons to ribbons and then attaching them all over. 

I told Butler to make sure they don't do anything extra, he thought. 

Well, in his half-asleep state, it was less comprehendible, and more like: Wha-? why? They weren't supposed to-?

And then: Unfortunately, for me, I can't seem to get undisturbed sleep for once.

Feeling an annoyed sigh build up in him, he rubbed his eyes and sat up, trying to pat down his tousled hair. His watch said that it was 5:30AM— he'd gone to sleep at four, and wasn't in the best mood. If he was completely awake, he would've said something smarter, but in the moment he couldn't bite his tongue and said, "Boys, what the fuck-? Who the fuck gave you the idea to decorate my room at this time?"

Beckett and Myles froze before turning around, a sheepish look on their faces— though the older twin was simultaneously giving Beckett an accusatory look. Later, Artemis would be grateful that they didn't register the swear— but, in an argument due nine years later, he would also realise that they had, in fact, heard it. 

Back to the moment: Myles let go of a half-blown balloon, making it zip across the room and finally land beside the door. 

"Happy birth-day, Artemis!" Both of them said, childish grins on their faces.

Half-asleep, Artemis took a second to respond, which he did, by quickly blurting something along the line 'thanks,' and 'don't be so extra.' Then, thinking, I can appreciate it later, when I'm awake; and I'm sure the twins won't be offended, he dived back into the covers of his bed. 

He was more than determined to get at least six hours of sleep, for once. The prime reason of that probably being linked to how he'd gotten a stroke from sleep-deprivation recently.

The twins tried their best to muffle their giggles at his reaction. "I don't think he'll remember this when he wakes up," Myles said.

His brother nodded, and took another balloon out of the packet. "Artemis is a simple-toon."

"Yes. Very simple-toon."

Sure enough, when Artemis Fowl II woke up again, he had no memory of Myles and Beckett decorating his room. 

It certainly was a pleasant morning, to a day he had minimal hopes for.

♔

Artemis sighed, brushing stray strands of hair away from his eyes. He studied his reflection in the mirror— as he aged, he was noticing striking similarities between him and his Father. 

I just need a prosthetic leg, and a child whose birthday I can use for advertising purposes, Artemis thought wryly, and I'll be almost exactly like him. 

Hearing two knocks on his door, no doubt from Butler, he broke his gaze from the looking glass and turned around, grabbing hold of his phone as he exited the too. He took one last glance at his reflection, briefly meeting his own sapphire eyes, before closing the door behind him. 

Not in the mood for pleasantries, Artemis nodded curtly at his bodyguard. Butler, sensing that his charge wasn't feeling particularly amiable, decided not to pester the boy with 'useless' greetings, instead only saying what he needed to. 

"Your Father says to hurry up," he said, "and that you have to reach the venue early today. Apparently, this event could be a huge boost for the Fowl Industries, if you do it right." 

"Tell me something I don't know," Artemis murmured under his breath— something he had started doing more than he'd like to admit— before speaking a little louder. "Is the package here yet?" 

Butler shook his head, to which the Fowl didn't reveal any discernible reaction. 

"Alright then," Artemis finally said, manicured nails tapping his phone in a distracted rhythm. "Get the car ready, I need to do a few things before leaving."

He was about to say that he'd readied the car an hour back, but the ravenette was already on his way.

♔

Artemis spent his time making small talk with the other business-people, as he did every year. Words spilled smoothly from his mouth, sometimes pausing for a laugh, on instinct. He was so used to the situation, it felt simpler than typing on his phone. He didn't think much; it was easy to impress people, and easier to get them under your wing. 

Of course, his Artemis Senior had recently announced that they would turn to less manipulative ways for acquiring support, but old habits were hard to shrug off. Allure had always been one of his strengths, though he found threats much more efficient. Unfortunately for him, his Father was constantly giving him an underlined 'no' regarding threatening people. So he minimised doing that. He wasn't going to give up any other of his methods, however; and he doubted his Father had abandoned all of his old ways either.

It would be almost marvelling for someone to watch Artemis in those meetings— the way he immediately seemed in his comfort zone, despite how it wasn't. Charming features coated his normally detached face, and white lies smoothly spilled from his mouth with such conviction, even someone who knew him would be tempted to believe it. He knew exactly when to self-praise, when to laugh, and always managed to make the interlocutor believe that, in doing what Artemis wanted them to, they were achieving their goals. (Which wasn't actually the case, but he's always able to make sure they can't complain. That's for a later time, though. Right now, just know that he's an expert in two things when it comes to these meetings: selling only half the truth, along with confusing people with his— possibly false— calculations.)

Finally, when the chattering paused for a brief time, Artemis poured himself some champagne— sure, he was underage, but no one really cared — and kept as much to himself as he could for the few minutes. 

His Father glanced at him as he tried to enjoy a moment of peace, and said, "Hey, Artemis, why don't you meet one of my old colleagues? Maybe tell her about a few of your achievements."

Moments like these, Father, I truly believe that you want to strip my life of all peace, Artemis thought. 

He didn't voice his thoughts, and just nodded, shaking hands with the colleague; a bronze-skinned woman in her early 40s. She looked away for a split-moment, and he used that time to give his Father a scornful gaze, before once again putting up his charming front. 

This isn't achieving anything, Artemis thought as he listened to the lady chatter, annoyed. As Father's friend, she will already be helping in his project. And no doubt, he has already told her about me. I could have spent this time working on my next music piece, or my novel's next chapter. Ah, parents are simply brilliant in making their children waste time. 

♔

As Artemis arrived the Fowl Manor, he let out a breath, and the delicate features placed on his face slipped away like water, to be replaced with his usual aloofness. He purposely strayed from where his brothers and Mother were chatting— he would never fit in those sort of situations— and went straight to his room. (Mainly to change out of his shoes which were causing him horribly painful shoe-bites. He made a mental note to sue a particular shoe company later.)

After changing into something casual— a grey shirt and black trousers—  he decided to make up for the wasted time, and opened his laptop to start working on his latest few projects. 

By the next two hours, he'd finished editing the last two chapters of his draft romance-novel, released a new music piece under one of his pseudonyms— hence also contributing to the death of art—  and was working on his next art piece, which was soon going to be found as an Ancient Greek artwork. (In case you're interested, the novel is a queer romance, set in Germany during World War 2. The music piece, however, is indeed contributing to the death of art, and the only reason Artemis made it was to get money.)

When Butler entered the room, the tips of Artemis's sleeves were coated in paint, along with his fingers. A dash of blue paint had smeared itself across his face, tiny drops of it resting on his left eyelash.

"Yes, Butler?" he asked, not having to divert his gaze to notice the manservant's large shadow. "What is it?"

"Myles and Beckett are calling you," he said. "They said that they want to show you something." 

Artemis pondered this for a moment. "Alright," he said finally, "just give me a moment."

Butler nodded and exited the room, leaving Artemis to speculate why his brothers were asking for him; which he had a fairly good idea of. 

♔

"So basic-ally-yy," Beckett said to Artemis, proudly, "we made a party room!"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Made a party room? Beckett, you and Myles are smarter than that. Both with what you called it, and the idea itself."

Wasn't that a little harsh? He chided himself. They're only 5. 

Then: Well, by the time I was five I already knew how to build a plane from scratch— in theory— but I shouldn't compare. 

Myles started explaining for his twin. He said, "I'll explain. Like, we decorated the room with a theme and all, the way our birthday party was like. Except without the bouncy castle, because you're too big for that. By ourselves. by the way."

"But it's more than a photoshoot, actually." Beckett added. "There's another surprise there, that's why I said party room." 

At the last sentence, his eyes gleamed mischievously, and Artemis chose to ignore it for the time being, despite how it unsettled him— the last thing he wanted was to be pushed into a slime tank. He was wearing a new suit, and slime would be ridiculously hard to get out of his hair.

"You know you both could have hired someone to do everything for you?"

Myles said, "It's more fun this way." Artemis decided to not argue against that.

"But a themed room is still a stu-pid idea," Beckett said, looking at Myles. "We should play something!"

"A photoshoot is a wonderful idea! You just can't see it in that dim brain you have. Anyway, now, come with us, Arty!" The twins tugged on his hand, and led him towards one of the guest rooms.

They opened to door to one of the guest rooms, and Artemis could feel the two sets of eyes studying his reaction. He wouldn't say he was impressed of the room itself— it was the visible effort his brothers had put into it. The room was covered in a pale shade of gold, no doubt by spray paint, with golden designs further painted on the walls. Styled chairs were placed around the room— which were of cheap-quality, but he would let it slide for once— and a fake chandelier hung from the ceiling. There were balloons, too, loads of them, in royal shades of red and yellow. 

"That's..." Artemis trailed off, for the second time since he was four. The only other time someone had actually put in their own time for his birthday— for a personal reason— was when he'd turned 11; Juliet had given him a custom-made cupcake in an attempt to cheer him up from his Father's absence. He finally managed to say, "You did all of that yourself?"

Beckett grinned, "Yup. And I even fell from the ladder, two times!"

"We got the idea from Butler, actually," said Myles. "He used to tell us a lot about you when we were small. I barely remember it, but I'm pretty sure he said you were very egoistic, hence the palace-theme."

Artemis almost choked, but regained his composure before he embarrassed himself. "Is that what he said? I might need to have a word with him later." 

Beckett stifled a laugh, and Myles completely failed to do so. Bursting into giggles, he managed to say, "And we have a birthday gift!"

While the whole idea was unsuitable for a 16th birthday, Artemis felt a warm feeling in his chest, looking at the two bright 5 year-olds. He found himself grinning at them in acknowledgment. 

The younger Fowl twin dug his hands into a box, but in a swift motion, as he picked up the 'gift', water splashed onto Artemis's face. 

For a second, Artemis's mind went blank, when he realised that he had a water gun. The damned tricker! He thought, the smile dropping from his face to be replaced with a rather hilarious expression. Instinctively, he covered his face, but Myles had grabbed one too, and was cackling as Artemis tried to get away from the water soaking him.

When he finally ran out of water, Artemis was let out an annoyed and embarrassed breath, but didn't think twice before reaching in the box and getting the biggest water gun in the pile. 

Surprisingly, and luckily, he didn't mess up his aim completely, and it hit Myles on the face, washing the fake glasses of his face. The 5 year old stared at him in shock, and he grinned, thinking, that's karma for him. And then: oh fuck, they're not going to let me get away now.

He muttered a few obscenities that he'd later hope the twins didn't hear, and set off running. Which was almost useless, really- he knew that both of them were much faster. Sure enough, a second later, he could feel footsteps close to him.

"Attackkk!" The twins screamed childishly, dragging out the word.

And take Artemis's word for it, there is nothing worse than being chased by two 5 year olds armed with water guns.

At least, Artemis thought, I can just lock myself in my room- perhaps get some payback.

But for the moment, it was one of his most un-Artemis-like days, and he was carelessly running through the Fowl Estate with an out-of-place grin on his face, hastily spraying a water gun behind his back. At one of the turns, he bumped into Angeline Fowl, and hastily called out, "Sorry, Mother!" while not caring to slow down. (Unfortunately for Mrs. Fowl, two more boys knocked into her, and were much less courteous about it.)

By the time he was next to the river, he was completely out of breath and refilling his gun to get another shot at his two now-drenched younger brothers. Myles and Beckett themselves were not too tired, but just enough to slow down to catch their breath.

"Right now, I really hate you two," Artemis said, through puffs of breath. In response, they just giggled. 

Why do they giggle so much? And then: my cheeks hurt. (It wasn't that he wasn't used to grinning－ he actually smiled a lot－ it was just the fact that he'd never smiled so big. If Holly, or Butler or anyone got a glance of him right then, they'd immediately call him an impostor.)

Then, of course— why hadn't he expected it?— Beckett tried to push him into the river. It didn't work, since Artemis was a lot heavier, and the 5 year old fell in himself. 

For a long few seconds, it was a screaming silence, him and Myles staring at each other, trying and falling to hide grins. Then, at once, the two of them howled with laughter at Beckett's failed attempt. The boy tried to stop them from laughing at him, but it only made them laugh harder. His throat felt raw from laughing so much, but he was past the point of stopping himself by then.

It was funny to Artemis until Beckett tugged hard at his foot, this time dragging him in successfully. He made a miffed sound from the back of his throat as he fell in, sinking to the bottom of the lake before reaching up again, completely drenched. 

This suit was new, he thought miserably. Then: On the bright side, I can drag Myles down. 

God, since when was I so childish? These twins will be the death of me.

That didn't change his decision, and before he thought better, a very angry Myles who'd also been wearing a new suit had started a water fight. 

♔

When Butler heard familiar screams- and one cackling laugh he was sure he'd never heard before, he rushed outside to the source of the sound, which was.... It was not what he had expected, per se. He almost didn't believe it, actually.

The Fowl twins and Artemis— the fact that it was Artemis had to be stressed— were in a water fight, grins on each one of their faces. Artemis took a refilled water gun and, as usual, his aim was off by a long way, and instead of hitting Myles, the water stream sprayed on Beckett.

"Hey! We're on the same side!"

"Sorry, I- gah!"

Followed by more splashing and 'traitorous backstabbing' as Beck had vaguely yelled.

Butler smiled at the scene in front of him, and decided not to interrupt, turning back to go inside. On the way, he crossed Angeline Fowl, who asked, "Butler, is Artemis okay? I ran into him earlier and-"

"Do not worry Angeline, he is well. Just enjoying his birthday." At the last sentence his lips twitched upwards. 

♔

so, uh, yeah. that's it. i haven't proof-read it, so let me know of any errors.

hey, at least i tried. XD

♔

things i need to have fanart of, also the images in my head that inspired this:

-4 y/o myles n beckett, and artemis, just falling asleep next to each other

-artemis being a big brother

-artemis being a big brother 

-artemis being a big brother

-artemis being a-