My current pfp because I'm proud~

Maybe I can kinda human after all!!

For some context (there's not much aside from the fact that this is a doodle than made me really happy) this kinda turned out to be a sort of representation of myself from like eighth grade-ish and I actually own a jacket like that! (The one that my phone escaped from, unfortunately.. ^^; )

It made me feel good to do, especially because I feel like maybe I've been trying to force myself to decide things I don't want to and draw certain things to be as original and creative as possible. Designing a fursona, building up my YouTube channel, keeping my characters unique and original, eventually having the motivation to animate, keeping up my smart kid image with my friends at school and just generally trying to please everyone as best I can... I mean all of those are great goals but some just haven't been working well for me and maybe they're not what I really want. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing art and I know I've gotta do as best I can in school, I just think maybe I need to let myself relax more and quit pushing myself so hard to do something totally different from other things out there. It's... okay to do things that seem sort of "basic" or that seem to have widely become cringy, like making a character or self-insert that's a cat girl/hybrid.

I was just kind of scanning through YouTube, doing a little channel stalking since I found another cool one, and I stumbled upon a video that was so random yet cool and I really enjoyed it!! It's probably not the person's highest quality of work or what they wanna be known for, but

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

The character with the F
I absolutely LOVE them
And by gosh I wanna be them

I don't know how coherent this'll be since it's almost three in the morning, but gosh I used to want ears and a tail so badly. I spent a lot of time researching different things and seeing what kind I'd fit best with, like seriously hours upon hours of scanning the internet. And it made me so happy! Eventually, for anyone curious, I decided that a Havana Brown (an uncommon cat breed) was what I fit best with, and I even differentiated between what I WANTED and what I felt would ultimately fit me best (because I could've totally said wolf or fox like I'm sure a lot of people would lol)

I'm a far cry from the person I was then, heck I'm genderfluid now! But seeing the character in the animations.... I don't know, it brought me back and made me miss when I wasn't trying so hard for what I am now. I wish I had a strong connection and relationship with people more like the character from the video, instead of spending so little time with people over the summer and having such a hard time trusting some of my friends. I wish I had someone who'd cuddle with me and let my head, because gosh it just feels so nice. Of course the people I'd really like to receive that kind of attention from it'd either be awkward to ask or they're in a relationship and it almost feels like an interruption and intrusion to ask because of that. I mean, I don't want a relationship necessarily, I just want at least one person who wants to make sure I'm okay differently than my other friends, who have plenty of their own issues that they're working through and need help too.

I shouldn't really complain though, I can say I've got close friendships and that's not something everyone has the opportunity to enjoy. It'd just be nice to be able to receive the type of comfort I want from someone without feeling guilty for coming to them with my issues since they've got so much else going on to worry over. Someone in person. (Though I appreciate all of you who are so sweet and open on here to listen to other people's struggles; it's what makes the Wattpad community so nice!)

But yeah, there's that.. if you happen to be a new reader since I've been getting more of those lately I guess, hi! Not all of my chapters are as randomly put together as this sort-of vent, I promise ^^;

Uhh also I almost got into an accident while driving today... so yay for not? I swerved at the last second and thankfully all involved were okay and no cars crashed/bumped (and it would've been the other person's fault if I hadn't by the way; I got lucky there wasn't anyone in the lane over where I swerved to) stay safe, kids, people don't pay much attention to their surroundings these days
-Cavy
(7/19/19)