!TW!

So, I'm currently doing summer gym and health to earn the credit so I don't have to do it during the school year

It's great, I'm with my friends and it gives me less time alone with my thoughts

The downside, I'm very out of shape so it's hard on my body

And health is extremely stressing me out

We're almost done but School has never been easy for me

I'm not in therapy, I'm not diagnosed with anything, I'm not on any meds, but I feel like my mental health is cracking more and more as days pass by

Some days I feel perfectly fine and other days I feel like everything is way too much and ending it all doesn't seem so bad

I'm way behind on all of my assignments, I know if I fail then my mom will yell at me

I'm still single and I like that because I really don't want to drag a person down because of my awful mental state but I'm a clingy person and require someone to depend on

I love my friends but it's not always enough for me

It's almost midnight and I've been crying for ten minutes or so.

All of my friends are asleep and I just..

I don't know

It all seems like too much

I've been thinking of my Oma's death, it happened last year so I really shouldn't be thinking about it anymore but it took a lot out of me mentally 

When I got the call from my mom, I was at my ex's house

I was obviously upset and called my best friend. They comforted me more than my ex did even over the phone 

I owe them everything for that and I don't think I would have made it through that moment without them supporting me

I just..sometimes I feel like I've failed my Oma

I went to her for everything and when I was a kid I treated her horribly because I was a stupid little kid who didn't understand the consequences of my actions. 

She would want me to be successful, enjoying my life.

Sometimes I feel like I'm failing her, and that's killing me. 

Instead I'm struggling to not break down due to the smallest mistake 

I just don't know if I can do it anymore

I know I have to, there's a lot of people that care about me

But it feels like there's a weight on my chest that's unable to be lifted 

I feel like if I didn't have any passions or my friends then I wouldn't be here

I've never done anything to myself, but I've had thoughts about it a lot

I know I'm probably being dramatic, like I said I've never been diagnosed because I don't tell my mother anything 

But there's a reason for that

I think that's the reason I wrote the mother in this very story so harshly 

No, my mother has never laid a hand on me but she's not the easiest person in the world to talk to

I just...

I don't even know why I'm writing this, I need to tell someone because all of my friends are asleep and I don't even know if they would care 

I really don't want to make you guys pity me but it's midnight and I can't handle being alone with my thoughts anymore

Tomorrow I get to hang out with my friends and I'm really only okay when I'm around other people 

I'm trying to write because that calms me, I haven't written Chapter 15 yet but I will soon when I can

You don't have to say anything just thank you if you took the time to read this

I care about and appreciate all of you, your comments make my day all the time

I probably won't even sleep tonight because I had coffee 

I'm just gonna watch Netflix and calm down 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this rant so long

This isn't my rant book and that's not what you guys are here to see

I'm sorry.. for a lot of things