This has nothing to do with the actual story but since my anxiety's been bad lately, I felt the need to write this.

You may or not cry.

Contains negative self talk and self depreciation.

Enjoy this mini oneshot for your daily dose of angst.

-

Panic filled my mind.

I felt as if I was drowning in the darkness and the demons in my head wouldn't stop singing their song of self-deprecation.

The thoughts rang through my head like church bells and I couldn't seem to drown them out no matter how hard I tried.

You're not good enough. You're too anti-social, no wonder no one liked you. Y/N didn't love you. Your mother already left and soon enough your father and brother will leave you too.

You don't deserve to be rich and famous. You don't deserve nice things or food on your plate.

You're not a father and all you're doing is adding to Austin's trauma. He'll never respect you and no one else should either.

You're just some jerk that scares everyone around him.

No one loves you.

Just die, No one would care if you just up and disappeared.

I longed to make them stop but I didn't know how.

They've been especially awful lately and it's killing me.

I was alone. I'd give anything to just have one person with me right now.

Normally when my thoughts got all bent up late at night like this I would go to Adrien, but he was with his stupid boyfriend and had Austin with him.

Adrien and Luka were more caretakers than I ever could be, even though Y/N and I are technically his legal guardians as of a year ago.

The bags under my eyes felt heavier and heavier as each day passed, becoming more and more as my anxiety increased and my sleep decreased.

The bed felt cold and empty without them beside me, so I saw no point in sleeping anymore.

I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten a decent night's sleep, or had a decent meal, or even just bothered to get dressed and shower.

It all felt tiresome at this point and I didn't see a reason in making the effort.

I never did anything or went anywhere anymore and no one came to visit me, so what was the point?

I had no idea how long it had been since I did anything. Days, weeks, months?

Who cared?

Nothing mattered as long as they were gone. They were my everything and they were taken from me, nothing can replace them.

I was scared, scared of loving them.

I always tried my hardest to push them away, told them that they were better off without me and that they should just leave.

But they always stayed no matter how much I tried to tell them that I was no good for them.

They always stayed. I never understood that.

No wonder they went out with Couffaine, I didn't know how to love and appreciate them as they deserved.

I've never had any love in my life and I didn't deserve to.

They deserved everything and refused to accept that I couldn't give them that.

Today was another restless night, I hadn't had the energy to do anything--- including sleep.

Nothing made sense without them and nothing ever would as long as they're gone.

Suddenly, instead of the usual draft feeling that trapped my body, I felt my skin burning and a soft hand grazing over the rough skin of my cheek.

My breath hitches as I managed to lift my head enough so that my dull blue eyes were met with shimmering E/C ones.

All of a sudden, I'm once again looking into the beautiful, mesmerizing eyes of the person I had spent the last eight months straight crying over.

That's a big thing about me, I don't cry. I don't really show my emotions at all. It freaks most people out but I just preferred not to because I believed it made me seem weaker.

The only other time I had actually cried was when my mother passed, and I haven't gotten close to very many people since then.

Not that I would want to anyway, there are very few people that I could actually stand.

One of them being my brother, and the other well....

They happened to be right in front of me...

"Y-Y/N....?" I manage to choke out.

I hated that stupid stutter that I only seemed to have around them.

They tilted their head, giving a smile that never failed to make me melt.

They run their thumb over my cheek and my heart pounded even louder than the faint sound of thunder in the distance.

"Hi, Fe." A chill ran down my spine as they purr my name with such sweetness that I felt dizzy.

No, this can't be happening. They aren't really there, they can't be there. They're not supposed to be there.

I hadn't noticed that I started crying again until a tear ran down my face and Y/N quickly made an act to wipe it away.

Their E/C eyes soften and my entire body shakes.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

You. You're wrong. You're not supposed to be here...

I wanted to question what they were doing here. I wanted to scream at them for leaving me alone like this.

I wanted an explanation.

I tried to say something, anything.

But as I opened my mouth, nothing proceeded to come out.

My mouth felt drier than a desert and my chest was on fire.

Suddenly,  I'm being pulled down and my body warms up even more.

I lift my head up to see that I'm lying basically on Y/N's lap as my head laid in the crook of their neck and they ran soft fingers through my messy hair that I hadn't bothered to brush.

Abruptly, all of my pain seemed to melt away as it was replaced with comfort and pure bliss.

I hadn't realized how much I truly missed the feeling of being in their arms until I felt a soft kiss on my head and their soothing whispering sweet nothings into my ears.

No, don't get comfortable. It's not real, they aren't real.

"You wanna talk about it?"

I feel their eyes burning holes in me and their soft smile sent a fluttering feeling in my stomach.

I didn't trust my voice so I made the effort to shake my head and hoped they would keep running fingers through my hair.

The feeling of warmness stops as my head is lifted from the crook of their neck in order to meet their eye level.

They once again run a hand over my face then use their thumb to poke my nose.

That used to annoy me but the way they giggled after they did it was harmony to my ears.

I felt my eyes flicker to their mouth, I couldn't help it. It's been so long since I've felt their lips on mine.

They seemed to notice because soon, a small smirk came to their perfect lips as they stared into my eyes.

My heart only proceeded to beat faster as I felt their body moving closer to mine as we both leaned in.

Closer...closer....closer....

Then it was all gone.

The warm feeling in my chest, the feeling of comfort, the feeling of their hot breath on my face and the feeling of their touch on my skin.

But most of all, Y/N was gone.

My body falls limp onto the floor and I feel it curl into itself in a ball on the floor.

My body shivered and shook with sobs.

I stayed like that for a few minutes before the door opened and voices cut through the silence and rang throughout the empty walls.

The door flies open and I could barely hear the voices over my breath hyperventilating.

"P-Papa...?" Austin tried to wiggle out of Luka's grasp as Adrien quickly made his way over and sat next to me.

"Hun, why don't you put Austin to bed while I calm down Fe, yeah?" My brother looked at his blue headed boyfriend and earned a nod in response.

I watched as he gently hugged the child to his chest and rocked him back and forth. "Mhm, sure Kitten. I'll bring some soup and tea on my way back."

"Thanks, love you." Adrien gave a smile towards him.

"Love you more." Luka winks and normally I would have yelled at him for flirting with my brother but I couldn't bother to force the words out.

He leaves with Austin in his arms and I feel Adrien pull my head from the floor into his lap.

"Shh, it's alright. I'm here now, Fe. Why didn't you call me if you were panicking this bad?" He started to run his fingers through my hair as he knew how much it calmed me, but this time it just made my shaking get worse.

All that ran through my mind was, that's exactly what Y/N did.

"Shh, shh. I know how hard it is for you, it's hard for me too. They didn't deserve what happened to them."

My sobs broke out more as the thought I was dreading ran through my head.

It had officially been eight months since Y/N died.