*Julia*

8:00pm

Dr. Tremont walks me up to the neurology department. He is not dressed in a high-end suit or wearing a ridiculously expensive watch tonight. He catches me off-guard by wearing a plain white T-shirt and Nike Joggers. He's not staying up here. He just came back to the Avalon to check me in and then gets to go back home to probably some huge mansion of a house.

 Trevor can sense my nerves getting the best of me while registering me.

"Would Miss Moretti benefit from an anxiety med before she goes in?" The intake nurse at the window says when she sees me pacing back and forth in the empty waiting room wringing my hands. God, how I would love an Ativan to calm me down right now.

"No." Trevor says sternly and taps on my file, pointing to what must be notes on my addiction. The woman looks down at the document with a frown and then leans in a little to the doctor, but I can hear her. I'm not fucking deaf.

"This won't work if she can't fall asleep, doctor. If she is nervous-"

"Not an option." He cuts the nurse off.

"We have over the counter medications that-"

 "I mean it. At no time is anyone authorized to give her any medication during this study."

"Ooh-kaaay..." The nurse inhales sharpy with her brows raised while typing into her computer. She doesn't think this is going to work. Not with me so wound up. A door swings open and another nurse holds it open.

 "Julia Moretti?" 

I stop in my tracks and freeze. Why is this such a big deal for me?

"Go ahead." Dr. Tremont nods. "I'll be right up in the booth with the technician."

But my legs won't move. My breathing becomes more labored. God, I hate doctors. This is becoming a real issue for me, now.

"Julia...." Trevor ticks his head to the door but I shake mine.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I'm fine. I don't think I need-"

"You need a sleep study. Don't chicken out now.  You're not going in for a colonoscopy." He laughs but I'm not laughing. He walks over to me and I look up at the very tall man in comparison to my 5 ft. frame.

"Trevor..."

"I'll walk in with you, ok?" He goes to pat my shoulder but then drops his hand, refraining from any physical contact.

I let out a breath and nod.

Trevor and Jeremy were right. The inside of the room looks like the average Avalon room. A bed, two lamps, a tv on the wall and a recliner. There's an open door which has a small hospital bathroom. Trevor points to a small discreet camera in the corner.

"See that?  That's the light infrared camera. They will monitor you using that camera which will display on a computer in a separate room. That's all. Nothing to it, right?"

I look around the sterile room and nod, but the doctor can tell I'm not calm inside.

"And if you need to use the bathroom you just say it and the technician will come in and unhook your monitors for you then reattach the wires."

"Miss Moretti, if you can lay down, I will adhere the tabs." The nurse is waiting patiently. I do as she says but am stiff as a board. First, she puts a belt around my chest and hips that will monitor my breathing. Then electrode tabs on my calves and arms to monitor muscle movement. She then puts one on each side of my head and a nasal cannula to monitor airflow. I feel like some kind of robot or something!

"You can move around and get into whatever comfortable positions you need throughout the night. You can watch TV, but we suggest only for a little while and you can turn on the light if need be but also suggest keeping it off." The middle-aged nurse goes over all the rules.

"Ok."

"I'll stay with the tech until you fall asleep." Trevor gives me a nod and follows the nurse out.

********

*Nate*

8:30pm

I'm coughing up a storm and it's noticed by Casey when we arrive at my apartment.

"Oh, that doesn't sound good." Casey looks at me, knowing Ren is out with the flu and there's a lot of winter illness going around. She gets up off the couch and heads to her bedroom I imagine to grab Jonah. Trisha thinks nothing of it now and heads to bed. Meanwhile, Evan is glaring at me. 

"May I help you?" I whisper when I walk by and grab a ginger ale from the fridge.

"You coughed up blood, Nate."

"Like the smallest amount. It's fine. I probably just irritated my throat a little." I downplay it but really feel like crud today and only getting worse into the evening.

Jonah comes out of his room with a stethoscope and concern. I never get sick but I'm prone to the "Go big or go home" motto sometimes.

"Let's take a listen, shall we?" He teases me acting like a real professional doctor. Even though Jonah is a nurse he has proven time and time again that he is certainly smart enough to become a doctor. I wonder what stopped him for pursuing that.

Jonah has me sit down on the couch and checks my lungs. I breath in and out when he asks while he listens. I'm trying real hard right now not to cough in front of him knowing when I do there is sure to be a little blood.

He looks up at Casey and furrows his brows before handing her the stethoscope to listen as well. 

"Definitely hear some crackling. Could be the start of bronchitis." 

Jonah then takes my temp, dropping his shoulders when he reads the numbers.

"101.2"

Fuck. I AM sick. 

"I'll order some antibiotics and start you on them right away. Ren has the flu doesn't he?" Jonah sees my slight nod. "Ok, I'll run to the hospital and grab a flu test but you may need to go in for a chest x-ray if your cough gets worse. No blood or anything like that, right?"

Evan clears his throat obnoxiously making me want to fire the bloke. It's my turn to hang my shoulders down with a frown.

"A little."

"Lets take a ride." Jonah stands up.

"Seriously? Can't this wait till the morning? It's already after 8 and I'm going to cause so much commotion in the ER. Plus I only have Evan tonight. I can't pull Paul. Julia's at her sleep study. It was literally the smallest amount."

"Was it?" Jonah asks Evan now knowing I won't rat myself out.

"It was small, yes. But-"

"It was the slightest amount." I interrupt the bodyguard, and he nods. First thing in the morning, yeah?"

"Bacteria or viruses in the lungs CAN irritate the airways and cause coughing up a little blood. That happens with both Bronchitis and Pneumonia. But I don't want it to get to the point of Pneumonia Nate. Not with your heart."

"All I'm asking is to go in the morning." I say tiredly and Jonah nods. 

"Fine. But I'm still grabbing a flu test and antibiotics for you to start tonight.  I'll grab a Nebulizer and some Albuterol as well." He looks to Casey who nods in agreement. "For now, when you lay down, I want you propped up." 

Jonah leaves to get supplies from the hospital. I'm glad he still has access to what he needs from working there even though he hasn't picked up a shift in while.

"Let's get some Tylenol in you for that fever." Casey takes over.

"Can we not mention this to Trisha right now? She's already in bed. It was a long day of meetings and stuff." I ask.

"I guess... but if you've got the flu or Covid the whole house probably has it now so she's gonna need to know in the morning."

Lovely. She's just going to worry.

 I head to my room and run a hot shower for the steam, welcoming the warm water on my tired body but wishing Jules was here with me right now. I hate getting sick. And I know I'm a fucking baby when under the weather. People joke about the man-flu and being high maintenance, well Trisha has said on numerous occasions I'm the king of the man-flu. I would drive her batshit crazy. I just really don't like being sick. And also, don't like being alone when sick. At least I have some people here in the apartment.

And I now know those numbers were right. I definitely have a fever. Even the hottest water isn't warming me up. I sigh. Damn you and your germs, Ren.

*******

*Julia*

9:00pm

I am SUCH a baby. Really I am. I'm lying in the dark on my side but unable to shut my brain off.  It's been an hour, and I wonder if Dr. Perfect is still in the other room.  My mind is running wild thinking about last night's PTSD night terror.  When I woke up, I was hyperventilating so much James woke Paul up, unsure what to do when he couldn't calm me. Usually, Nate can calm me, but he was home. Poor Paul was the runner up, needing to lay with me and comfort me until I fell back asleep. The poor guy was at the very edge of the bed feeling awkward with James on the other end. Fortunately, the bed is a king and huge, but still, I get it. I have a feeling the second I fell asleep he bolted out of the room.

But the dream was so fucking real feeling. I pictured myself being the driver instead of Danny. But he was in the passenger seat. When we collided with the other car, I watched him die but I was unscathed.

I stare into the darkness feeling my tears fall now just thinking about that dream. I'm silent so I don't think the tech will notice.

"Can she hear us?" I hear Trevor ask.

"No, the microphone is off on our end right now."

Ummmmm. No lady, it is not......

"But Dr....Tremont?" The tech can't remember his name because he is so new here. Trevor must have nodded because the technician resumes talking. "We can't get an accurate study if she doesn't fall asleep."

"She will. Give her time."

"Sir,  it's been a full hour and she's crying."

Busted.

I don't hear anything for some time making me think the technician is showing Trevor my brain waves or something crazy like that because with me curled up on my side there is NO way my tears are visible right now.

"Shit." Trevor mutters. "Ok, give her a minute. Maybe she'll calm down."

How do they NOT know I can hear them right now?! I flip over to my other side and bury my face in the covers. But apparently the tech can still tell I'm crying. There's no way I can fall asleep here. I'm used to James, Nate...even Paul.

"Sir... she's clearly upset. Are you sure you don't want me to administer-"

"NO!" Trevor snaps and I close my eyes. 

"Yes sir. It's just... well usually patients fall asleep fine and then wake up crying if they have a night terror. Not cry themselves to sleep." 

"She's not your usual patient. She's just nervous. She's not used to sleeping alone, that's all."

"You didn't mention that doctor. That's a bit of a gamechanger."

"How so?" Trevor asks.

"Look." The technician must be showing him something. "Her anxiety is high. She's not going to fall asleep. But the sleep lab does not allow a partner to stay overnight during the study - due to the potential for disruption to the data collection."

"I'll go check in on her, ok?"

"If you can get her to calm down and fall asleep, we will have accurate readings, doctor. If not, then this is pointless."

"Ok, I'll see what I can do."

A good five minutes go by where I close my eyes and think of something happy. The night Nate proposed to me. Griffith Park with James. Danny's first birthday party.

The tires screech and Danny covers his face from the shattered glass.

Shit.

The door of the sleep lab opens. "Hey Julia. You doing ok in here?" Trevor has no idea I can hear them. I look up at the man standing in the doorway.

"I can't stop thinking about the last dream I had." I sniff but don't sit up.

"It's common to think of your last dream when you begin to fall asleep."

"But it was awful!" I cry. "It's all I can see every time I close my eyes."

Trevor sighs. "What would help you fall asleep?"

"I told you this wouldn't work. I can't sleep alone."

"I'm not sleeping with you, Julia." He teases but shakes his head and leans against the doorway with his arms crossed.

"I'm not asking you to asshole." I snap and flip to my other side again, wires following me as I move.

"But I will sit on the recliner until you fall asleep, deal? Door stays open."

 Trevor leaves the door open halfway so the hallway light isn't in my eyes and sits on the recliner in the corner of the room. He pulls out his cell phone and begins scrolling his phone. I close my eyes and try again. This time I think about James. I think about when I first met him at the Marriott. How I spilt my coffee and made a mess. When he almost kissed me. Then my mind continues to wander.

***

9:30pm

"James." I croak. "James, I know you can hear me. Please... you gotta hang on for me. Please, James. I can't lose you!" I cry into his hand. "I can't save you. You have to wake up for yourself. I can't do this life without you." I begin to sob now and find it hard to form words.

"You're my best friend. Don't leave me. Please, please, please don't go."  I continue to hold his hand and kiss it. I go as far as painfully lifting myself up and leaning over, holding the bars of his bed until my arms are shaking, so I can kiss his cheek.

***

"Miss Moretti," The technician's voice booms through the speaker now, not like the softer conversation she was having with the doctor when they didn't know the mic was on. She's talking right into it. "You really should try and fall asleep. We can't get an accurate-"

"I'm fucking trying!" I cry out and gain Trevor's attention, and he looks up from his phone. He looks at me with sympathy. "I'm fucking trying." I say softer and wipe my eyes. "I told you this wasn't gonna work. You're wasting your time."

"You're getting worked up."

"Can you just take me back? This isn't going to work out. There's too much in my head. I told you I can't sleep alone like this."

"We really need this sleep study Julia. You're not going to get better if we don't get down to the root of the problem."

"The root of the problem? I can tell you that right now. Memories. That's the root of the problem. Bad dreams."

"How's she doing down there?" The familiar voice doesn't realize the mic is on.  "What's going on? Dr. Tremont shouldn't be in the room."

 I stiffen up instantly and something must have alerted the tech.

"Doctor Donovan, look at her brain waves. Her heart rate. Look how the numbers just jumped up."

Trevor's eyes widen when he hears the mic is on and looks at me with a frown.

"Be right back." He jolts up and leaves the room.

"Those numbers are too high doctor, she really needs something to calm her down. She hasn't even fallen asleep yet. If her numbers are high now what's it going to look like when she has a night terror?"

"It's not gonna be pretty, ok? That's why we need to run these tests." Jeremy says.

"The new doctor said she can't sleep alone. This isn't an ideal situat-"

"Guys, stop talking. She can hear you. Look-"

"Shit" It's the last thing I hear from the technician. 

They realized I could hear them this whole time. Well, there goes my entertainment for the night. Five minutes later Doctor Tremont is back in the lab room.

"You're so lame. That was my entertainment for the night."

"Eavesdropping?" He laughs and sits back down on the recliner. "That's your entertainment?"

"Not my fault she doesn't know how to work the fucking buttons."

"Julia...." He gives me a look.

"I'm not gonna be able to sleep." 

I lower my voice. "Sure as hell not going to now that I know he's up there." My bottom lip quivers and even though it's somewhat dark in here, it's noticed. He lets out a sigh.

"Right. Ok. Listen. I'll move my recliner closer and hold your hand like I would for my pediatric patients, Ok? But that's it. I'm serious, Julia." He drags the big recliner over so it's close enough to my bed that when he holds out his hand I will be able to reach it. I look at his hand for a moment but then give in and hold it. Only problem is, he is still too far away. My arm is awkwardly stretched out and after a few seconds both our arms become sore.

He can tell this isn't working, let's go with a huff, and gives in, moving the recliner so it is up against the side of my bed. When he reaches out, he can now lay is arm flat on my bed with no tension. I say nothing but gratefully grab his hand with both of mine and close my eyes.

********

*Nate*

10:00pm

"I'm surprised you're up. I thought you were 'sooooo' tired." I scoff and turn off the tv.

"Porn?" Trisha laughs at her own joke.

"Golf." 

"You're a bore. And yes, I WOULD be sleeping if you'd stop hacking away out here." Trisha sees me with my pillows and comforter. I'm propped up and camping out on the sectional. I've got my hot cup of tea, a box of tissues, Tylenol, thermometer, hand sanitizer, cough drops and a plastic bag for my garbage.

"Oh God help us, Nate Hollan is sick."

"Ha....ha...ha..." I sniff and try to hold in my cough.

"Jesus you really are sick." She walks over to me and puts her hand on my clammy forehead. That's when she notices it. The plastic bag I'm using for my garbage has tissues tinged with blood. It's light and not a lot but it's there. "Nate..."

"Jonah is on top of it, ok? I'm going in first thing in the morning for an x-ray, but he thinks it's Bronchitis and already has me on antibiotics. I'm too tired to go tonight and everything I've read said a little blood can happen if the coughing irritated my airways."

"You NEVER look shit up.  Ever. This got you nervous." She sits down next to me, but I shake my head.

"Everything came back negative, but it could be too early. I may be contagious." 

Trisha stands up quickly like I've got headlice. One thing I know, Trisha Banks doesn't get sick. She is deathly afraid of hospitals after her mom passed and won't even step foot into an urgent care. So, she does anything in her power to steer clear of viruses.

"Are you going to have the man-flu? Because I really don't feel like listening to you whine and complain for a week."

"I'm fine." I cough again, this time grabbing a tissue to blow my nose. "Really though, go back to bed. Cancel anything for tomorrow."

"Nate, next week you are booked solid. Richard's gonna-"

"Think I planned this? Jesus, Trish seriously? If I'm sick, I'm sick. He'll have to fucking get over it."

"Ok. Get some rest." Trisha hightails it out of the living room.

I hate the stress of this job. You can't just call out of work. There are no sick days. If you have a fucking interview, you make it to the fucking interview. No calling out. Richard would have my head, but I can't help this.

********

*Julia*

2:00am

"Sir, she really should be sedated."

It's the first thing I hear when I open my eyes, gasping for air. I can't catch my breath. My heart is pounding hard. Tears stain my cheeks, my hair is stuck to the sides of my face, I'm shaking and wailing. 

"Take a deep breath. You're ok." I hear a man's voice from behind me but don't recognize it. I feel arms holding me but know they aren't Nate's or James, or even Paul's.

 "Nope. No scratching." The hand pulls my left hand away from my right arm. 

"Or hair pulling." He gently pulls my hand away from my scalp and holds both my hands. He doesn't hold my wrists or pin me down in any way.  He just threads his fingers in with mine and holds both my hands until I calm down.

The light is turned on and when I come out of my nightmare, I cover my face and cry into the man's chest. I don't even care who it is. I close my eyes tight and cry hard.

"Sir-" The technician's voice bellows through the speaker.

"No, she doesn't need it. She'll calm down on her own." Trevor. It's Trevor holding me from behind. He's sitting on my bed and holding me to calm me down. I broke down another guy.

"Julia, you're at the Avalon. You're safe. You are having your sleep study. There are nurses and doctors with you to help you." Trevor's trying to ground me and remind me I'm ok.

I can't help but wonder what I must look like in my night terror to affect someone so much, even someone who doesn't know me, to do whatever it takes to wake me up. Even if that means holding me in their arms. I must look crazy or scary or something. "See, you're ok. just keep taking deep breaths."

Eventually I do come back to reality, like always. But it exhausts me.

I look down and realize I have yanked most of the wires off my body. Well, this was a royal fail.

"I told you it wouldn't work." 

"I've never seen anything like that."

Great. I fucking scarred another one for life.

****
Trevor gave in and stayed for the rest of the study. He slept in the recliner while holding my hand. I think after seeing that episode he knew there was no way I was going back to sleep without help and he was tired as well.

The technician still kept advising anxiety meds.  I don't think people realize what my addiction entails. I'm FINALLY nearing the end of my detox. I can't start over and glad Trevor was on my side.

At eight in the morning, I was able to end the sleep study and leave the room. As I walked out of my room, Jeremy walked out with the technician from the monitoring room looking just as tired as me and Trevor.  Did he stay the entire night to monitor me? He doesn't notice me and walks with the technician in the opposite direction. I don't bother pointing it out to Dr. Tremont, but it does put an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I get it he wants to see me healthy but that is a little much. No other doctor would stay and watch from that room the entire night. That's just .... weird. 

That's more like - 

An obsession.