*Julia*

"You seem to be adjusting really well here, James."  Donovan says after a grief therapy session. Gold star for James, big fat F for Julia.

"Yeah, because he doesn't have a fucking mental illness." I cross my arms over my chest and continue walking down the hall, making the two men walk faster to catch up.

  Today's session was awful for me. It's bad enough I'm overtired from last night's nightmare and then getting sick from detox at two in the morning, I still have a hard time talking about Danny. Not as hard as I first did when I came to L.A. but it's still difficult. So, when they went around the room to say one of their favorite memories of their deceased loved one, I broke down and left the room. I couldn't handle it. Never mind everyone staring at me, I couldn't handle the fond memories of my son. It just made me miss him more. It was painful to think about. It was physically painful. My chest had this excruciating pain and heaviness. The kind of heaviness I feel when I first wake up in the morning and think of Danny.

"Julia... that session had nothing to do with mental illness. If y-you didn't want to answer you could have just told the guy to skip you. That it was too hard to talk about. It's grief therapy. They won't push you like some of the other sessions." James explains.

"You know what?" I stop once we get into the private halls of the Avalon where the apartments are. I poke James in the chest. "Just because you can talk freely about your son doesn't mean everyone can. You had two and a half years of memories. I had seventeen!"

"Julia!" Jeremy yells at me.

Shit. I regretted that the second it slipped out of my mouth.

"That's not fair, Julia." James furrows his brows at me. "A loss is a loss. It doesn't matter how many years. The pain is the same."

"I-" My cheeks flush in embarrassment. I know this. I don't know why I said that. To hurt James? Why, because he's doing so much better than me in all the classes we take? Because I'm not healing? 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I was just trying to get a rise out of you." I confess.

"Mission accomplished. Feel better about yourself now?" James brushes past me and continues down the hall. My eyes widen from his anger. We never fight, not me and James. Why would I ever say something so harsh to my best friend? Something so hurtful? What the hell is my problem?

"Julia." I feel Jeremy put his hand on the small of my back and I freeze. His touch is like pins and needles, especially after the conversation I had with Paul in the middle of the night. If I start building up a tolerance to the Ativan again, the only option would be put me in restraints. It brought back a shitload of awful memories for me and Jeremy's touch does not help.

 James is walking down the hall and I'm alone with Jeremy.

But it's like James could just sense I was uncomfortable with Jeremy. His shoulders drop and he turns around, stomping back towards me like I did the other day. He doesn't look at my face as he fumbles and grabs my hand. He glares at the doctor.

"Don't touch her." James says behind gritted teeth and drags me away. I don't look back but when we round the corner I lean against the wall and let out the breath I was holding in. My whole body is trembling.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to leave you with him. I wasn't thinking." He sighs. "Breathe."

I nod and begin walking but continue to shake.

"I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have said that to you. James, I know all loss is loss." I look up at my best friend.

"I know you do." James replies. "You're jealous of me, aren't you, babe?" He smirks, trying to make light of the awful thing I said to him.

"You're such a fucking teacher's pet." I retort making him laugh as I knock on my door for Paul to open it. 

When Paul swings the door open, both James and I are surprised to see Trisha sitting on my couch.

"I was just leaving." She stands up refraining from looking at James. I thought they were together. Are they not? Did she come here to talk to Paul??

"Actually, can we talk?" James walks to my bedroom and Trisha follows.

Paul sits on the recliner, pulls out his phone and pretends I'm not in the room.

"Um... Why is she here? She hates coming here. And why would she say she's leaving the minute James comes back?"

Paul shrugs but doesn't say squat. Typical.

******

*Nate*

I gave Jonah and Casey the day off to go do something fun. There's no reason for them to be stuck in the apartment just for me. It was different when James was living here.

Evan is here but in Paul's room, well, now Evan's room since Paul lives at The Avalon. I actually don't really need Evan right now either. Not unless I go out and for certain once we go back on tour, but I kind of like having someone in the house, just in case, you know, I have a heart attack and croak. And I think Evan likes being here.

 I flip through the channels to settle on golf and look around the room. I'm used to the dog jumping up on the couch to lay with me, but Maggie doesn't live here anymore. 

 During a commercial I pull out my phone to scroll through Instagram. I'm always tagged in a trillion posts, usually in fans concert pics, or something to do with the trial, but stumble upon one that caught my attention enough to pause.

A post that shows Mila Giovanni with a new man in her life. A famous American baseball player from the Los Angeles Dodgers. One, why the hell did someone tag me in it and two, she couldn't have picked someone NOT from L.A.? God, I better not bump into her.

I read some of the comments and then see where the tag fits in here. Fans are still wishing it was "Nate & Mila." They never got over that one. I quickly get off Instagram. I don't need Mila stuck in my head. That's for damn sure.

I should go hang out at Julia's. She's who should be stuck in my head. Especially after what Paul told me this morning. Julia's losing faith in her bodyguard. Mainly because she's needing higher doses of the sedative to calm her and the only option would be to give her nothing at all, make her ride it out but restrain her to make sure she doesn't harm herself or those around her.

I text Evan to see if he's even awake. He comes right out of his room shirtless while drying his hair with a towel.

The dude is jacked. And I was right. He's got more chest hair than I do.

"Wanna go for a ride to the Avalon?"

"Yes, sir."

"For God's sake Evan, you live in my fucking house. Call me Nate." I stand up and tuck my shirt in more.

"Yes s- Nate. Sorry. Habit. Can I drive the Mercedes?" The guy is relentless.

"Only if I can drink a bottle of whiskey." I huff and grab the Range Rover keys to toss at the bodyguard. "Now stop showing off and put a shirt on."

*****

We pull into the back parking lot of the Avalon right as I see Trisha get into Ren's SUV and leave. Trisha actually came here? Wait...she left without a bodyguard?? 

"Did Trisha tell you she was coming here?" I turn to Evan.

"No sir- um, Nate. I thought she was in her room still."

She left without a bodyguard. That's not cool. Did she just forget? I will have to remind her to have one. Especially if she is going to go to the Avalon, where Dave has his AA meetings.

I knock on the door and wait an abnormally long time before Paul opens it.

"Just in time, boss. Detox is suddenly hitting her hard." Paul opens the door all the way and shakes Evan's hand. "She's in the bathroom."

Before I head to the bathroom I kneel down and pet Maggie who is very excited to see me. "I'll throw the ball around for you in a little bit, k girl?" I stand back up. "Why was Trisha here?"

"She just popped in to say hi." Paul says nonchalantly like Trisha comes to the Avalon all the time or something. He locks the door behind me and goes back to the recliner, submerging himself in an American football game. Evan joins him while I make my way to Julia's bathroom.

James is sitting on the bed with his head in his hands.

"She doesn't want me in there." He grumbles as soon as I enter the room. "She shut the door on me, knowing I can't open it."

"Is she being a prize today, Gallo?" I get a slight smirk out of the man.

"Yeah, something like that. She only wants you, but we didn't want to bother you for something so small like that."

"Well look at that, her wish is my command." I sigh and watch James head out to the living room with the rest of em. Julia tends to be short with James when she needs care. I've always been the one to take care of her so I'm not surprised she gave him an attitude.

I open the bathroom door and see Julia on the ground in the corner of the bathroom holding her knees to her chest. She looks so small right now. Her head is down on her arms and she's already trembling. Paul told me the last dose Julia got was a big one and that the detox would be bad, especially after back-to-back doses.

"Hey love." I whisper and sit down next to her.

"I can't keep doing this." Her infamous detox statement.

"I know, doll." I pull her up on to my lap and hold her. "Jesus, you're really shaking."

"This one is hitting me hard, Nate. And fast."

"Is that why you shut the door so Gallo couldn't help you?" I chuckle. Julia has always been partial to me caring for her over James caring for her. This was the case even before the accident. When Julia was detoxing in my apartment or had a bipolar episode, it was always me to handle her. James gladly let me and would remove himself from the situation, unable to handle her constant mood swings.

 "I'm already feeling the body aches." 

I brush Julia's hair away from her face and frown hearing this. It seems like every time she detoxes the symptoms come quicker and hit her like a freight train. Her body thinks she will get her fix because in time, she always does.

"He can't help me. And I don't want him to see me throwing up. He has bad memories from his dad abusing him when he had the stomach bug."

"Jesus." I mutter. Ok, now I know why Julia shut the door on James. She didn't want to trigger him. "Well, I'm here now but when I'm not, let others help you, ok? You know Paul will."

I hate to think of a next time, but I know there will be one. Maybe someday they will find a different type of med that she can take to help her but until that happens, Jules is stuck. I certainly don't want to think about it happening when I'm traveling and can't be here for her.

"C'mon, I'll get you into bed." Right as I say that Jeremy walks into Julia's bedroom holding a weighted blanket.

"Heard detox started... this will help." Jeremy places the blanket on the bed. "I hope you apologized to James for earlier, Julia."

"Nothing you need to worry about." Julia crawls into bed to shut down. She buries her head under her blanket but both me and Dickwad hear her sniff. She's crying.

"Jule, what happened earlier?" I sit on the corner of her bed and rub her back. Jeremy is still standing in the room with his arms crossed, but I ignore his presence.

"I was a bitch to him, ok? Happy? You can leave now." God, she sounds just like Cara right now it almost makes me laugh.

"Julia is having a hard time in one of her sessions. She took it out on James. It will take some getting used to, that's all." Jeremy explains further.

"Getting used to!" Julia sits up, letting the covers fall from her head. "How can he just fit right in and know what to say and do and I've been here forever and still can't talk about Danny. He can talk so freely about his son, yet I still choke up." She cries out and I swallow hard. It was her grief therapy session. Jules has always had a hard time talking about her son. Apparently, James has healed a little more than she has. 

"You don't think I have good memories? I do! I have a ton of them! But it fucking hurts like hell to think about them, never mind say out loud in front those people."

Jesus, she's really crying. Jeremy says absolutely nothing and lets her speak but she is a mess.

"So you got mad at James because he doesn't have as hard of a time?" I ask.

"EVERYTHING comes easy to everyone else but ME. When will it be my turn? I have to fucking detox over and over again, I can't heal like I need to in those sessions, can't eat as much as I need to... I'm always doped up and never get a chance to feel back to myself before something else makes me spiral out. I'm tired, Nate. I'm so tired!"

Julia throws her arms around me and buries her face in my chest. I look up at the doctor, not sure what to do but he has the same pained look on his face as I probably do. Because Julia is absolutely right. Everything is harder for her. She never gets a break. Julia has managed to, once again, bottle up her emotions until she can't take it anymore and explodes into tears.

On top of that, Julia is depressed. Not a lot of happy moments have come her way in her life. The day James came to live here was the first time I saw her truly happy in a while. And now he's exceeding her in his emotional healing, and she feels down and out about herself.

"You really need to start back up with your one-on-one therapy sessions, Julia."

"And talk to who? YOU? No thanks. Melanie is booked solid and I'm sure as hell not talking to fucking Doctor Cohen."

Jeremy chokes back emotion and tries to compose himself.

"You can talk to me." He clears his throat. "Julia, I'm trained in this. I know how to help you. Bring your bodyguard if you feel safer, James, or Nate. Whoever you need." Jeremy says softly, knowing exactly why Julia doesn't want any one-on-one with the bastard. "But Julia, you are NEVER going to heal if you don't start talking about this stuff."

He turns around and walks out of the room, leaving me with now sobbing Julia. I hate that the asshole is right.

"Love, what did you say to James earlier?" I whisper, needing to know how this escalated so fast. She looks up at me with her sad brown eyes and her cheeks flush with embarrassment. 

Her hesitation makes it known whatever she said was pretty bad.

"I told him just because he can talk freely about his kid doesn't mean everyone can." She pauses.

 Ok, well that's not so bad. 

"Then I told him how he only had two and a half years of memories. I had seventeen."

Shit. Ok, that was pretty harsh.

I nod, trying not to show emotion because I want Jules to be able to tell me these things but yeah, I can see how that would hurt James.

"What did he say back?"

"He said a loss is a loss, how it doesn't matter how many years. The pain is the same." She cries.

Spot on Gallo.

"Oh Jules...." I sigh. "My 'no filter' Jules." I kiss her lips. "Are you sure you didn't give birth to Cara?"

"Ha. Ha. Very funny."

 I gain a slight smile as she wipes her eyes almost like a child would.

 "Anyway, I apologized right away. I was just trying to get a rise out of him."

"You're happy he moved in here, right Jule?" I peck her lips again.

"Of course."

"So show him. Don't be rude to him. He doesn't deal with half the shit in his head you deal with in yours. Of course things will come easier to him. He doesn't have a mental illness, love. But he has had his own trials and hardships. Be happy he is here with us right now and not in prison, yeah?"

She nods, still full of tears and embarrassment.

"And maybe you should  have a few one-on-one sessions. With Paul in the room. Use Jeremy for his brains but be smart about it. Don't let your guard down. Don't ever be alone with him." I hold my ball of tears in my arms, wishing I could take all her pain away.

"Maybe someday you WILL be able to talk about Danny without it hurting so much. Maybe someday things WILL be easy for you. But right now they're not, and you need therapy to help with that."

*******

*Julia*

"I'm sorry for what I said, today. Again." I apologize for my awful words spoken to my best friend as we lay in bed facing each other. It's late. Everyone is gone. Paul is asleep. Maggie is asleep.

"I know you are. Let's just forget about it." James sighs.

"James, why was Trisha here today?" I try to study his face but it's too dark.

"Not sure, but I think we broke up." He rolls over to his back and covers his eyes with his arm.

"Oh." An awkward silence fills the room. "I'm sorry. Why?"

James huffs and shakes his head before turning back to me.

"Because I'm always going to love you."

*******

*Nate*

"So are we going to talk about why you were at the Avalon this afternoon or am I supposed to pretend I didn't see you get into Ren's car and leave?" I lean against the kitchen counter next to Trisha and watch her sipping her tea. It's late. Everyone's asleep. Everyone but me and Trish.

She shrugs and looks down at her cup.

"Did you hash it out with Gallo, yet?" I cock a brow.

"Sure did." Trisha stares at the cup in her hands while talking.

"And....??" I nudge her with my shoulder a little but don't get any kind of reaction like I usually do, which makes me think the conversation didn't go very well.

"I think we broke up. I'm not sure."

"You're not sure ? What does that even mean?" 

"He's always going to be in love with Julia, Nate. That's why he chose to stay with her." Trisha looks at me with watery eyes before she says her next sentence.

 "And I'm always going to be in love with you."

******