*Julia*

[Good news, love. Doctor said throat is healing up. Still wants me to not talk or sing too much but I won't be coughing up blood]

Nate texted me after his doctor appointment with positive news for once. Still no talking but still, least he's moving in the right direction.

It's Paul's turn for his physical before tour so Trisha is stuck with Nate today in the studio. He can't sing or talk but he still has to show up for rehearsals with the band and play guitar. It will be a full day of piecing everything together for the concert. He gets a free pass from the Avalon due to work.

I don't get the same free pass. Jonah is back with me while Casey is with James at home. His sisters are taking him out for lunch and Casey will tag along.

"You seem extra nervous today." Jonah watches me fidget with my hands waiting to get checked in.

"I didn't have the greatest day here yesterday."

"Nate told me a little." Jonah lowers his voice and leans in. "No one expects you to ever trust Jeremy again. You know that, right?"

"I know. I don't know why I freaked out the way I did." I admit and we end the conversation as Melanie comes to greet us. When I have Jonah, I don't need a nurse escort,  so Melanie shouldn't really be checking in with me this early. Which means Jeremy told her about my reaction at the end of the day yesterday. The screaming and pushing and all of it. She's here to babysit me, isn't she? I'm not stupid. I've seen how they babysit people who aren't doing well here.

"How about we skip out on the morning session and talk in my office?" The young doctor walks by me without stopping. I glance at Jonah then quickly follow to catch up to the Angelina Jolie lookalike therapist. She closes the door once we are in the room and sits down, gesturing us to do the same.

"Remember you can talk freely with me. What happened yesterday?"

At first I'm silent while trying to come up with the words I want to say. But then...it's like a balloon that's been popped. Out of nowhere I burst into tears and cover my face. Jonah rubs my back for a quick second as Melanie waits for my answer.

"He can't help me. But he can. And I hate that!" I cry out, gaining a nod from both Jonah and the doctor. She knows the accusations already. All she had to do was google me. And I know I can't exactly talk about details by law since I had to drop the charges. But I've told Angelina Jolie too much already and she understands what I'm trying to say.

"I can see how that would be frustrating. He's a very smart doctor." She closes my chart and puts her pen down while crossing her legs. "But he violated you. Your trust. You no longer feel safe around him, correct?"

I don't know if I should answer this or not. I'm not supposed to, but official names were never mentioned so I think I can get away with it.

"He was the only one here that could help me. He ruined that for me. I feel so lost when I get like this." I lift my head and finally make eye contact with Melanie. "I don't care how much help he gets for what he did, that's great. I hope he DOES get the help he needs. But I can never...NEVER be in the same room with him without thinking of what happened."

"Have you ever talked about that incident?" The doctor folds her hands in her lap and I furrow my brows at her.

"Which ONE?" I respond full of sarcasm. I will never talk about the planned one that went too far. The one that backfired and did nothing for me except make me drop the charges and look like a fool. All while probably traumatizing both Nate and Paul. I will take that to my grave.

"Either. Start with the first one."

Jonah stays quiet but I feel him shift in his seat a little, now uncomfortable with this conversation. I shouldn't even be talking about it at all.

"I can't." I mutter and feel my body begin to tense up.

"You can say anything in this room, remember? Don't worry about that shit, Julia." Melanie drops the doctor act and talks candidly. "Once you say things out loud you can begin to heal."

"No... I mean.... I can't." My stomach instantly turns just thinking about it and I feel myself begin to shake. "I can't think about it. I can't talk about it, but I can't get it out of my head." I explain now full on in sobbing hysterics.

 I know I'm losing control of myself but I can't reel it in.  It's too late. I feel the room shifting. I feel my hands shake. I feel all my senses go into overdrive in the matter of seconds.

The restraints. The way it hurt. How he covered my mouth. How his mood would change so quickly. How he threatened me.

How he got away with it.

"Oh God." I look around the room in a panic. "I'm gonna throw up."

*******

*Nate*

[What the hell was she thinking?]

 I text Jonah back after he tells me Julia went into shock first thing this morning. That therapist pushed her too far. It reminds me of the first therapist Trisha found that I took Julia to. How that lady pushed and pushed Julia. How she shut down. Now, the one day I'm not at the Avalon to be there for Julia...

I have a half hour break for lunch before another studio session but don't have time to go out so Trisha doordashed our food. Why I even took my phone out... The pain in my chest becomes unbearable. I still think part of this is anxiety related.

"What's the matter? You're not hungry?" Trisha sees me push my grilled chicken salad to the side while texting back and forth with Jonah. I shake my head and show her the messages.

"You've got to be shitting me. What was that doctor thinking? We need to get Moretti better for tour, not worse!" Trisha puts my phone down and takes a bite of her salad. "She's not gonna be ready, Nate."

No shit. None of us are at this point. But tickets are fucking sold. Arenas are sold out. Everything is planned right down to when I fucking take a piss.

I run my fingers through my hair and stand up while scratching the stubble on my cheek. Like always, I begin to pace. I have to figure this out. I have to get Julia as mentally stable as possible. I know I can do it but not while she's at the Avalon. Jonah keeps telling me some of this stuff is out of my control but some IS in my control. I just need to find a way. We are so close to travel day.

"Can you please sit down and eat? You're gonna damage that heart of yours more if you don't have lunch." Trisha teases. It's her way of dealing. And I'm making her nervous now.

I sit down and force myself to eat. I can go on tour with a broken heart. I can't go on tour if I can't sing and Julia is a mess. We need to focus on our health. So I eat the fucking salad. I drink a ton of water. I do all the things I can do to get myself as healthy as possible given the circumstances. I can't even remember the last word I said or the last time I made a full sentence. I've been following all the rules.

We sit in silence and eat lunch but I do notice Trisha look at her phone a few times.

[ Got a hot date waiting for you or something?]

 I slide my phone over. Then she slides her phone over to me. It takes ALL my effort to not say something. But my breathing alone says it all. My heart rate picks up.

[ Why would he contact you?]

"I'm not sure. Maybe because I was his patient? But I made it like I wasn't ever really close to Julia." Trisha slides her phone over.

 I don't understand why Jeremy Donovan would ask Trisha if they can meet. I don't even know if it's legal. Though Trisha isn't linked to Julia, I sure as hell am and Trisha is my PA.

[ I'd talk to Elliott first. I don't know if you can even have contact with the guy, being associated with me and I'm obviously associated with Julia.]

"Good idea."

[ I should be there with her]

 I slide my phone over while Trisha is texting my publicist. She glances at it and exhales.

"No. You shouldn't. You should be right here working. This is why you pay the big bucks for her to go there. So they can handle her and you can work. You wouldn't go there for Cara every time she has a fucking meltdown."

[You're soft as a porcupine, you know that? You lack sensitivity when it comes to Julia]

Sometimes it's SO much easier to text this shit . I watch Trisha raise an eyebrow at me and I raise one at her like this is some western standoff. She smirks and types back instead of talking.

[grow a set of balls]

[classy]

"Elliott said yes, I can most likely meet Jeremy if it's at The Avalon, like an appointment. I don't know if I want to go there..." Trisha cleans up both of our meals and dismisses the conversation. "Times up, playboy. Get strummin on that guitar of yours."

Trisha isn't uptight about talking to Donovan. She's uptight about going to The Avalon. She always has been. I think that shit freaks her out. To her it's just like a hospital. Anything medical and Trisha can't handle it. It's just the way she is. Yet she took such good care of her mother and never shied away from me the times I was in the hospital.

I grab her arm to get her attention while we walk down the hall to the recording studio.

[if you go see him I'm going with you. Or Paul. You're not going alone.]

She reads my message and nods.

Yeah, there is no fucking way she is seeing him without Paul or myself with her. Not a chance in hell.

*******

*Julia*

 I went into shock. I don't remember anything after throwing up in the small trash can in Melanie's office. This has happened before. Frequently when I was having the PTSD flashback of Luke and Nicole when I was first put into therapy.

I look around the room. My room at The Avalon. Jonah is taking my blood pressure.

"You're ok." He assures me.

"Julia, can we please talk now?"

I turn and see Jeremy sitting on the chair next to my desk and my blood pressure rises.

"Can we not do this right now?" He glares at the doctor and starts over. "Lets try this again. Hold still."

I wonder what Jeremy knows. What was said in that room...what Melanie already knows from previous conversations, could get me in a lot of trouble. Legal trouble if Jeremy finds out. Especially since the case was dismissed "With prejudice." Meaning the case is permanently closed and prosecution can not refile the case. I dropped the charges and there was 'lack of evidence.' Bullshit. Whoever Jeremy knows at the police station is good. Real good. Because there was evidence all over the place.

If I talk about the rape I could be charged with Slander.

"It was a therapy session. I don't even remember what happened." I say honestly and he can tell it's genuine. I really don't remember after a certain point. But I sure as hell know how it started.

"You should try and eat a little." Jonah wheels my tray over. I missed breakfast and know I need to take my medications soon. But I stare at the plate of food and my eyes water. Not because of my eating disorder but because the actual thought of what Jeremy did made me so nauseous I physically made myself sick earlier. That's not normal. None of this is normal.

Jonah looks up at me for a split second while writing in my chart and then back down, letting Jeremy take the lead.

"Can we talk privately for a moment?" Donovan asks the nurse to leave the room but Jonah holds firm.

"No. Whatever you need to say to her her can say in front of me."

"Fine." Jeremy leans in and barely whispers his first sentence. Jonah being on the bed where the monitor is has a hard time hearing him. "Julia. We need to talk this through so we can both heal."

He then sits up straight and talks at a normal level. He's a pro at switching it up like this. Getting what he needs to say out without anyone else hearing it, then acting like nothing was said at all. "So I can help you." He pushes my tray aside. Something he never does. Jeremy is always adamant about me eating.

 "Listen, I'm the one who told Melanie to try to get you to talk about it."

"What?" I glare at the doctor and my eyes dart from Jonah to Jeremy. "We can't talk about this. You know I can't legally-"

"Julia-Melanie only knows whatever is online. Your word against mine."

So he doesn't know I told her more. Thank God. I let out the breath I was holding and can tell Jonah does the same thing. Can I even trust Melanie now?  I can't fricken trust anyone in this place, can I? He's got everyone wrapped around his finger.

"But regardless, I wanted her to have you talk about it. Because you can't heal until you do. And I can't help you unless you let me."

"I don't want your help. You've done enough." Why are we still having these conversations? Why can't he just let it go n not be near me at all?

 I feel myself begin to shake again. My nerves are getting the best of me today. That or the switch in meds are doing a number. "Do YOU  talk to YOUR  therapist about it???"

Jeremy turns around to look at Jonah who is purposely leaning on the edge of the desk now pretending to do something on his phone. He then turns to me and nods slightly, talking almost in a whisper now.

"I have, yes." He admits in barely a whisper. "I told you I was getting help."

"Good. Still doesn't do anything for me." I lay down in the bed on my side facing the wall. I can't look at him. Instead I put the thin blanket over me and try to shut down until it's time to go home.

"God damn it, Julia give me a chance." He says between gritted teeth. And there it is. The change in Jeremy's attitude when he doesn't get his way. Just like when I don't eat and he snaps at me. I freeze and close my eyes tight wishing for him to get paged or needed somewhere so he can go already. "I am trying to help you."

"Why, because you couldn't fucking help Eric Furgeson in time so you feel fucking guilty?" I snap.

"Julia" Jonah chimes in now but I keep my eyes closed. That is all this is. He doesn't really want to help me. He wants to make sure he can save me from jumping off the fucking ledge, that's all. So he can be a fucking hero. So he doesn't have that guilt weighing on him. I keep my eyes closed and cry. 

All I want to do is block out the world.

******

*Nate*

"Clean bill of health." Paul hands Trisha his paperwork for tour. He met up with us in the studio so he can take Trisha home and I can go to The Avalon. Today is another bad day for Julia. She is moving backwards, not forward. They never should have talked to her about the rape. It pushed her too far and she cried herself to exhaustion. She hasn't eaten all day which means she hasn't taken her morning medications and it's 1pm.  She's still there sleeping.

Fortunately me and the band have been rehearsing since eight this morning with only one half hour break. Everyone wants to end the session now  which works out to my advantage.

"Lets get outta here, sexy." Trisha says to her bodyguard. She is packed up and ready to go get on with the rest of her day. 

"Oh, by the way. We're gonna bring your voice coach on tour for the first few weeks while you heal." She says, always being on top of things and thinking of everything for me like that. I nod and we go our separate ways. While they go one way, Ren brings me to the Avalon. This whole suspended license shit is getting old, though. 

I walk through the Avalon doors and Jeremy is right there waiting for me. Just looking at the man makes me cringe. How he can ever think Julia would forgive him and let him help her is beyond me. And it fucking sucks because he seems to be the only one who CAN help her. It's a lost cause.

"She's still sleeping. Didn't want to wake her up until you were here. She was pretty upset."

Hmm I wonder why. I walk faster to get to Jules. The door is open and Jonah is sitting next to sleeping Julia.

"It's been a rough morning." He murmurs.

[ Did she take her meds at all?]

I text Jonah, not giving Donovan the time of day.

"No. But we can do it at home." Jonah replies.

I scoop Julia up into my arms and carry her out of the room. She sniffs in her sleep with a slight whimper like she always does when she gets worked up like that. It breaks me every time. This has happened too frequently. The Avalon isn't working the way it needs to for her. We just need to get away. Get on that plane and go.

"What happened?" James is home now and worried when he sees us walk off the elevator. His sisters are already gone, thank God. They don't need to see me carrying Julia in like this. I shake my head and tick my chin back to the couch where James was just sitting before he jumped up. He sits back down and I lay Jules on his lap where I know she will want to be. With her best friend. I've come to terms with that and will do whatever she needs to help her. Sometimes it's just the way it is.

Julia curls up in her little ball while James holds her and puts the blanket over her petite body.  I brush her hair out of her face and frown. No one should have to go through what she goes through. No one.

Maggie hops up on to the couch and lays next to her owner, sensing Julia will need her when she wakes up and James pets his dog while Jonah updates them. I kick off my shoes and head to my bedroom, mentally exhausted. I pull the blackout curtains over, undress and get into bed tom block out the world. Yes at  two in the afternoon.

****

"No way. We aren't doing this today. You don't have time to go blocking out the world, Playboy." Trisha snaps the curtains open less than an hour later.

"Don't you have shit to do?" I whisper, trying not to use my voice too much like they said. Like always, I flip to my stomach and put the pillow over my head.

"Yeah. I do. And babysitting you isn't on that list."

 God she can be so fucking annoying sometimes. She rips the pillow away from me and lays on her side. But I don't give her the time of day. I stay on my stomach and bury my face into the blanket, hoping Trisha will give up and get on with the rest of her day.

"Hey." Trisha finally says softer and I feel her hand on my bicep. I give in and lay on my side. She shoves my phone into my chest. "Talk."

I huff and take the phone to start texting.

[She's not gonna be ready, Trish. I don't know what to do]

I press my phone to my forehead and close my eyes for a second before showing Trisha my text. I decide to keep typing first and she patiently waits.

[ This is all going to be too much for Julia. Traveling.  Being on tour.  She's so excited. I'm excited. James and Casey are excited. I don't know what my options are here]

I finally hand the phone over, flip to my back and cover my face with my arm. I hate admitting this. I can't watch Trisha's reaction while reading it. I already want to delete the message and take it back.

"What about if she stays the Avalon for the first leg of tour? Then when you are back in the states in a few months she can join you?"

[I can't leave her there knowing Donovan is there. And what about James? He's not gonna come with us on tour without Julia. Where will he go?]

"His sisters?" Trisha says as a question. I know her and James are friends....possibly more....and she doesn't want to leave him behind. I need to figure this out. I huff and put my phone down on my chest.

 "Maybe the new meds will kick in by then and she'll improve." My best friend pushes my hair off my forehead and tries to cheer me up, but Trish will be the first one to say Julia shouldn't join us.

****

*Julia*

"Good morning." James smiles down at me and my eyes widen. "Just kidding. It's only three in the afternoon."

I roll my eyes at him and sit up a little. I'm laying across his lap on the couch. At home. I hate it when I shut down to the point I exhaust myself and then wake up somewhere else.

"Jonah told me a little about this morning. Wanna talk about it, babe?"

"Nope."  Not even a little. But I do know I  need to eat when I hear my stomach grumble loudly, making Maggie's ears perk up and James laugh.

"I made you a grilled cheese. Myself." James says proudly and I sit up all the way. "Casey is trying to get my hands to cooperate more. She monitored me, of course. But I didn't burn the building down." He leans over me and grabs the paper plate covered in foil, putting it on my lap.

"You made this yourself?" I open the foil to see two perfectly made grilled cheese. It's no big deal for a regular person, but right now, for James...it's quite the accomplishment. His hands  coordinated enough to make me lunch. "I'm so proud of you James!"

This little accomplishment made my day. I throw my arms around James's neck with excitement and then slip up. I kiss his lips.  It wasn't something I planned or even though about. It wasn't something I built up to. I just did it. I pressed my lips on his and kissed him without thinking.

I quickly back away and our eyes lock.

"Sorry. I didn't mean-"

But it's too late. James's hand is already on the back of my head, pulling me in for another kiss. The simple act of our lips touching makes my whole body feel alive and tingle right down to my core. I break it and lean my forehead against his.

"Sorry." I try to apologize again. "I slipped up. We can't."

James sighs with a nod and his hand drops from my head while mine drop away from him as well. He knows I'm trying hard. I wasn't thinking. At all.

 My stomach growls again officially ruining the moment like I need it to. James inhales sharply and nods to my plate. He knows the moment is gone. Neither of us need to say anything. It was a mistake. It was honestly a slip up. But damn I hate that it felt so good.

Nate and Trisha come out of the bedroom, which I find odd, and Nate sees me sitting up and eating. I'm no longer sitting on James's lap but next to him, making the dog move over.

"James is it ok if we take Maggie for a walk?" Jonah  comes out of his room  and grabs his sneakers near the front door. Maggie hears walk and jumps right off the couch. There's no saying no even if James wanted to. He nods  and Casey grabs the dog's harness. 

Nate sits right next to me while Trisha heads out to the balcony where Paul must be.

[You're eating. that's good.]

Nate puts his phone on his thigh for me to read but it slips off. I grab the phone before it falls to the ground to hand it back to Nate when I see the message. 

My finger accidentally scrolled a little. [She's not gonna be ready, Trish. I don't know what to do] I read that again and freeze.

That's what Nate and Trisha were doing in his room. Talking. Talking about me. He doesn't think I'm ready to go with him.

Nate looks down at his phone and notices what I've read. He reaches to grab his phone to respond but I pull away, now making James look over to see what's going on.

"No." I scroll more to see what else was said, invading Nate's privacy. [This is all going to be too much for Julia. Traveling. Being on tour. She's so excited. I'm excited. James and Casey are excited. I don't know what my options are here]  "Your options? Your options?!"

"Jule." Nate breaks the no talking rule.

"Jule nothing. You don't want me to go on tour with you?"

*****

*Nate*

The pained look on Julia's face after reading those texts is something I've never seen before. Her eyes fill up with tears and she stands up, throwing my phone at my chest.

"I've been trying to get better! I've been working so hard!" She bursts out. Paul is the one to walk in from the balcony to see what's up.

"Jules.. it's not what you think. At all. We were just talking." I croak out and stand up, leaving my phone on the couch.  James looks over and sees the message and now knows what's happening here.

"You good, Moretti?" Paul crosses his arms at his chest and eyes Julia and then me.

"I can't believe this! You know what? Fuck you Nate!" Julia loses control and swipes the lamp right off the end table so it crashes to the ground in pieces and Paul instantly jumps into action.

"Julia. Stop!" The body guard swiftly pulls her away from the ceramic mess on the ground and Julia tries to fight him off, now gaining attention from Trisha who stands at the balcony entrance wide eyed like James.

"Fuck you too, Paul. I've been trying so hard!" She tries to kick her legs up but Paul has one arm around her small body and nothing she does is gonna get her out of his grip. She tries to push his arm off her but he's a big guy. There's no way.

"We know you've been trying hard." The bodyguard says, not really knowing what this was about and I walk over to Julia.

"Please.. Jule."

"Nate! You shouldn't be talking!" I hear Trisha say but ignore her.

"Look at me. You're reading into that. We were just talking. That's all it was." I continue.

Julia only cries harder. "You're trying to think of options for me! You want me to stay at the Avalon? Even though he is there? You saw what he did! Paul, you saw too!" She cries and I see Paul loosen his grip a little and give me a look.

"What the hell is she talking about?" The bodyguard asks, now pissed off at me.

"That's not what happened." Trisha talks for me but stays in the doorway, not wanting to get involved physically while Julia struggles to get out of Paul's arm. James is already picking up the pieces of the lamp.  For once, I'm glad Jonah and Casey aren't here to see this. Tears stream down Julia's face and she gives up fighting with Paul. She slumps over and throws her hands over her face to sob.

"It's not what happened Paul. Nate even said that in text. He doesn't want her to be at the Avalon. But look at her. She's not ready to travel." Trisha rubs it in.  Now is not the time. I shake my head at her and James looks up with disappointment.

"We're not gonna go?" He asks, now wondering where the hell he is gonna go and where he fits into this equation.

"Guys stop. Everyone is going on tour." I finally find my voice and say, not caring if I use it or not.  I walk over to Julia and take her face in my hands while she struggles. "Jules. Look at me. We were just talking. That's it. You had a rough few days. We were just talking. That's all."

I try to wipe her tears and for a second she leans her cheek on my hand and closes her eyes.

"I'm trying to get better." She whimpers and it's like a knife right through me. Because I know she is. She's trying so damn hard to get back on track. 

"I know you are, love." I stroke her cheek, feeling her wet tears falling at a rapid pace now. Julia looks up at me with her sad eyes and gives up.  She's no longer fighting Paul off. She's no longer struggling to get free. Julia looks me dead in the eyes before she speaks again.

"I fucking hate you. You know that? And I hate being me." 

The second Paul loosens his grip, Julia turns and buries her face into his chest. He holds her for a second, saying nothing but shaking his head at both me and Trisha now before he walks Julia into James's room to calm her down, closing the door behind him.

"Fuck." I grab my chest, feeling the shooting pain. "Trish. Help James. Please." I walk over the broken lamp, past James and into my room, slamming the door.

I should have just stayed in bed.