*Julia*

It's the first night sleeping in the Avalon apartment without a houseful of other people. It's just me and my bodyguard. After a rocky start- Paul slipping a little and Nate sending Evan to take his place briefly, it is back to just Paul and me. I was hoping Nate would come back to spend the night, but he didn't. And that hurts like hell.

 But can I blame him? Who would want to spend a night here? It may be a separate apartment, but you can't pretend we still aren't in the Avalon, a detox and mental health residential home. How would marrying me ever work out for Nate? I need to be here. I've accepted my fate. But Nate doesn't have mental health issues. Not like mine at least. 

I stare up at my ceiling letting my mind run wild. First thinking about how I should let Nate move on, find someone healthier, happier, stable. Then thinking about James. His future. My best friend who has to go to trial for an accident. An honest mistake may take away his freedom. What will that do to him? To his own mental health? To his family? To me?

And of course, from there, I think about my own prison. The Avalon.

I stare up at my ceiling with no more tears left to shed. It's so quiet, even with Paul in the living room sleeping on the pull-out couch. I'm not used to quiet. I'm also not used to feeling clearheaded. My detox is nearing the end. I still crave my addiction, but my physical symptoms have calmed down drastically this past week. My hands still shake a little but not nearly as bad. I'm able to keep food down. My headaches are the worst of my symptoms right now but aside from that, my body is rid of all the toxins. Now I need my mind to get rid of all the toxins.

If I had an Ativan in my system my heart wouldn't be racing this much, I wouldn't be focusing on things I have no control over. I would feel calm. Relaxed. Possibly be able to shut my brain off and sleep a little. But I don't have that luxury. I am feeling everything. Raw emotions. 

I'm not sure I can handle feeling everything.

 Instead, I decide to get out of bed. I check my window again even though Paul checked it multiple times before bed. kneel on the floor and study the broken bedroom door.  Did Jeremy leave that front door unlocked? Did he fuck with my bedroom door? I think about what could have happened if these things went unnoticed.

I begin to hyper focus on the apartment. It's after midnight and I'm going around in the dark checking the locks on all of the damn windows again. Visions of bad things that could have happened play games with my head to drive me crazy.

"Moretti, stop."

I jump and turn around. My eyes have adjusted to the darkness, and I see Paul sitting up in his makeshift bed in the living room, shaking his head at me.

"I checked everything. You know I did. Go back to bed."

"I'm just making sure." I wring my hands nervously and turn back to the slider. I kneel down after making sure it's locked, to check that the bar on the bottom is wedged in good so the slider can't slide. My hands are shaky, and I sit on my knees, realizing I'm doing everything in a hyper focused OCD manner.

 I stand up and frantically walk over and check the lock on the front door. I can't catch my breath. I lean my forehead on the door and that's when I begin crying, still checking the lock and the deadbolt over and over again with shaky hands. I realize my whole body is shaking.

"Julia." Paul's voice is right behind me now and his hand is on my shoulder. In my panic I didn't hear him get out of bed. "You don't feel safe with me here anymore."

I hear him but I don't turn around.

"I fucked up and now you are second guessing my abilities as your bodyguard." Paul drops his hand.

I think about how I must be making him feel. Not only did Nate ream into him but now I'm double-checking things I know he triple checked before bed. But it's not because of Paul or his abilities. It's because of Jeremy.  And HIS abilities.

"You've got it wrong." I say to the door with my head still against it. "I one hundred percent trust your abilities to keep me safe. I don't trust Jeremy. You're right. I can't let my guard down with him."

I already have. I slept with him. No one can know that, though.

******

*Nate*

"I'm surprised to see you still awake." Jonah looks up from his laptop at the dining room table. When the hell does this fucker sleep? He apparently doesn't require more than a few hours a night. He will occasionally take a short nap in the afternoon when Casey is caring for James but other than that, the man doesn't sleep much at all.

I pull out a chair and sit down at the table, unable to shut my brain off for the night.

"I should have gone back to be with her."

Jonah closes his laptop to give me his full attention, knowing exactly what and who I am talking about.

"It's her first night there alone, aside from Paul. I should have gone back to spend the night with her. That's what a normal boyfriend would have done."

"There is nothing normal about the two of you, first of all." Jonah laughs at his own joke. "She is going to need to get used to being there alone. You spend half your life on the road. Maybe this will be good for her. And she has Paul there. It's not like she's all alone."

"You know Julia. She has no self-control, Jonah. You know her diagnosis. Do before you think. That's Julia. She does things and then thinks about the consequences after the fact."

Jonah laughs a little too loud at that one.

"You think Paul and Julia are going to hook up now? Nate, my friend. Not happening. Not being able to trust Julia is one thing, but you can trust Paul. He has good judgement."

"Nobody with a fucking dick has good judgement. Especially one that hasn't gotten a great deal of action because of his job always interfering." I remind him.

"That's Nate Hollan. Not everyone is you. You are a male slut." He chuckles. "Sorry to offend, but it's true. Hate to break it to you but not every male lacks self- control, brother. You're just used to getting what you want when you want and by whom you want it with- no questions asked."

"Whatever." I roll my eyes.

"Oh please. Don't pretend you are virgin Mary over there. Speaking of male slut.... You should consider getting that vasectomy before your tour kicks back up, Mr. Can't Keep My Hands To Myself."

"You think you're funny, don't you Pal?" I snort. "Anyways, I'm not single."

"Say that to your dick." He retorts. "But seriously. You know you. You know how you are. You aren't going to be able to go weeks or months without sex. You don't want another scare like you had with Trisha." Jonah says, leaving all sarcasm and jokes aside. "Get snipped."

The man has a point. I hate that he is right. But he is. I don't want children. Not at all. And that scare with Trisha was a huge eye-opener for me. I should get that vasectomy done.

"Yeah, telling Julia that will go over well, Jonah. She can't have kids. That's me pretty much telling her I'm going to fuck around while I'm gone."

Jonah raises his eyebrows and opens his laptop again. "It's your body, Nate. If you really do not want children at all, make it permanent for yourself. Regardless of who you are with right now. You can get women pregnant when your sixty, seventy, hell even eighty years old. Take care of it now so you don't ever have to worry about it later. It's an easy procedure that takes ten minutes and then you are home. You rest for a weekend and then you are good to go." He speaks lowly so no one can ever hear our conversation. Not like they would. Everyone is sleeping. 

"But the urologist will need to check your sperm count at six weeks and then at three months so you will need to use birth control until then. Might as well get it done now so by the time you go back on tour you won't have to worry. I'm just saying this man to man. And friend to friend. Because I know you well enough now."

I nod, appreciating that. Jonah is just looking out for me and my best interest. He DOES know me. He knows me well.

"I can refer you to someone in the morning if you'd like."

"Thanks, Jonah." I say genuinely.

******

*Julia*

 "You're safe. Go back to bed." Paul takes my hand off the lock on the door and turns me around. "Jesus, your hands are shaking."

"I can't shut my brain off, Paul! I keep thinking about being here alone. There's no nurses walking by throughout the night or anything." I lean my head on the bodyguard's bare chest, not caring that it is Paul, and let my tears fall. "Now that I'm sober and don't have any Ativan in me I'm feeling and thinking about EVERYTHING! I can't stop."

"Shit." Paul wraps his arms around me, now seeing firsthand how distraught I am. "Ok. C'mon."

He escorts me back to my room and pulls the covers down. "Bed. Go." He grumbles. "I will sit here until you fall asleep, ok?"

I nod and watch the man sit on the fabric chair near the window. Well, if I wasn't creeped out before I sure as hell am now having him just sit there to watch me sleep. He raises his eyebrows at me wanting me to climb into bed and I do. He yawns and pinches tension at the bridge of his nose while I toss and turn like a fish out of water for a good five minutes.

"Moretti. SLEEP."

"I'm trying. Jesus."  I flip over once more. "Paul..."

"No."

"Please?" I sit up. "You know I'm not going to be able to fall asleep."

"Not happening. Lay back down and close your eyes."

I do as he says but it's no use. "Paul......" I sit back up like a child would. "Just till I get used to it here? Not like you haven't slept in the same bed as me before." I try to study the man's face but can't see his expression.

The bodyguard sighs. "I'm 100% sure this is frowned upon."

"Don't care." I pull the covers over on the other side of the king-sized bed. "Just for tonight?"

"Fine. But you know the rules. No funny business..." Paul grumbles but gets up and climbs into the bed. I lay down and grab his arm like I do every other time, pulling it over me and holding on to it. It makes me feel safe. He spoons me but it never turns into anything intimate. I make sure my hair is already twisted up on to the pillow this time, so he doesn't get aggravated with me. He calls my ponytail a "horsetail" and it always seems to get in his face. He hates that.

"Thanks, Paulie." I say softly.

"Um-hmmm." 

*****

Jeremy hovers over me, close to my ear, and covers my mouth again. He begins to whisper.

"Hey. This stays between us, ok?" He strokes my cheek. "Hate to see you tied up like this longer than you need to be."

******

"Moretti. You're fine."

I open my eyes and realize I'm sitting up, in Paul's arms, hyperventilating. I'm drenched and shaking vigorously.

"You're fine." He says again, rocking me back and forth like Nate would, to calm me.

I clutch on to my bodyguard's arm and begin to cry. It was just a dream. But like all my other dreams, it was once my reality. My doctor raped me. I don't care what the hell his diagnosis is, he still raped me. Then threatened me. He pretended like nothing happened. Keep your mouth shut and you won't end up in restraints. Keep your mouth shut and no one will mess with your charts. Keep your mouth shut and it won't go to court. You won't look like a crazy unstable woman who lied about the beloved Dr. Donovan.

Instead, I relive it in my dreams. I wish I could just bury it deep in my brain like I did with Luke and Nicole. Bury it and pretend it never happened.

"Sorry." I come to my senses, take a deep breath and let go of Paul's arm. 

"Every night? This happens every night?" The bodyguard asks tiredly. He leans back on the headboard and scratches the back of his head.

"Sorry, I won't make you sleep in here anymore. I know I'm a pain." I lay down on my side facing away from Paul, curl up in a ball and try to hold in my crying. I close my eyes tight but there's no use. I can't hold back my tears and I'm not going back to sleep now. Not with those visions stuck in my head.

To my surprise Paul doesn't just shut off the light with a huff and fall back asleep. He huffs all right but then wraps his big bodyguard arm around me and lays with me like I need him to. Of course, not without overexaggerating another huff and yanking my ponytail up out of his face.

*****

*Nate*

"How is she this morning?" I pace around my bedroom while on the phone with Paul.  Trisha is still sleeping in James's room though I don't think in his bed. I think she has been sleeping on the couch. Seems like things are fizzling out between the two of them with all the stress James is under.

Everyone else is still asleep.

"She had a rough night. Woke up from another nightmare. She's still sleeping now."

I'm not even going to ask if they shared her bed. I have a feeling if this is the same Julia I know so well, she wouldn't fall back asleep unless Paul was with her. I try not to think into it too much seeing as it's not the first time this has happened. 

"Did she say what it was about?"

"She didn't have to. It was the rape. He fucked with her head. I think the whole door unlocked and bedroom lock broken brought back all sorts of shit." Paul explains and I can hear him pour a cup of coffee and take a sip. I wonder if he realizes what he signed up for by being her bodyguard. Julia isn't your average person. She's difficult. She's demanding. She's sensitive and needy in a way Paul is not used to. Julia doesn't calm down just knowing someone is guarding her door. No, not Julia. You have to be physically holding her and comforting her to get her back to sleep. All of it is so out of Paul's wheelhouse.

"We need to set up a meeting to talk to Donovan about the safety of her apartment. Never mind fixing the locks. I want an alarm put in. A whole fucking security system put in. One that Donovan doesn't have a code to. And I want to see what's taking that paperwork so Goddamn long to be filed for you to be her permanent bodyguard. I don't want her walking down one hallway unprotected you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, boss." Paul grumbles. He knows he has his work cut out for him today. "Will you be coming to see her today?"

I hesitate far too long. "It depends on James. I have to see if we are meeting with the lawyer today."

"I think Moretti thought you would have come back last night. You didn't."

Christ.

I stop pacing and sit on my bed. I should have gone back. I should have spent her first night there with her.

"I will be there this afternoon. I have my AA meeting and then I'll stay there with her tonight. You can come back here and get a good night's rest."

"I could give two fucks about sleep, Nate." Paul catches me by surprise. "And she doesn't want your pity. She wants you to spend time with her because you want to, not because your obligated."

Wow. Ok. Paul is in a mood this morning. Saying it like it is with no filter today.

"Don't mistaken her for your sister just because she's at the Avalon being taken care of, Hollan.  Don't spend time with her because you have to. You want to marry her so bad- step up to the plate and show her."

I swallow hard. Paul is right. Neither me nor James have been giving Julia the time of day. She had become another thing checked off the list of things to take care of. James is not her fiancé. He's not in a relationship with her. He has every reason to take time for himself the way he needs with everything going on in his life. What the hell is my excuse?

Then barely spending a half hour with her all day and ending it in a fight. Julia had every reason to be mad at me. She trusts Paul. She doesn't know Evan at all and already has trust issues for good reason after what Donovan did to her. I should have never left. I should have made amends and then made love to my girlfriend on the first night in her new apartment. Granted an Avalon apartment but still. Her own place to call home. 

Instead, I left and spent the night regretting it.

*******

*Julia*

Technically, now that I'm a full-time resident, Paul can only be in the main parts of The Avalon during visiting hours. I'm required to eat all my meals in cafeteria or somewhere where it can be monitored and logged into my chart by staff and right now, I'm required to show up to at least one session. After I get back into routine it will be two and then all three. Paul can't go into my sessions which means my time being protected is limited.   

I grab my tray and stand in line with the rest of the patients, leaving Paul back at the apartment to take a shower and do whatever he wants to do for a while.

"Where have you been? And what's going on with your room? It's completely vacant now." Mike Maloney walks into line right behind me. He is freshly showered with his hair pulled back in one of my hair elastics.

"You clean up nice." I tease as one of the nurses piles food onto my tray. I notice Mike is nearing the end of his detox as well by the looks of it.  But there's something off about him and I can't put my finger on it. The way he is smiling brightly at me... the way...

"Are you fucking high right now?" I whisper so no one can hear me but in a seething manner, so Mike knows I'm pissed. Or jealous. Not sure which yet.

"Relax. I'm not shooting up if that's what you're thinking." He follows me to my table and sits down next to me. "Apparently the prick I stole the pack of cigarettes from was hiding more in that box. He had a few blunts in there behind the cigarettes." Mike laughs and begins chowing down on breakfast.

"Isn't that going to mess with your pee test?" I study my food but then try and eat a few bites of toast.

"Nah. Weed? Nah. I don't think that's what they are looking for. Anyway, it's legal now so they can't do anything about that. So on to my question."

"Does it help with your detox? You're no longer shaking." I ask curiously, disregarding his questions I don't quite know how to answer yet. But then I see Jeremy walk into the room. At first, he checks on a few of his devout patients, giving them praises on jobs well done, before he notices me.

After last night's nightmare I'm overly nervous and fear takes over me seeing him walk my way.

"I can't do this." I bolt up out of my seat, take my tray and rush out of the cafeteria before Jeremy reaches my table. But I don't know where to go. I can't walk all the way down to my apartment with my breakfast. I stand in the middle of the hall looking both ways, not knowing where to escape to, before I decide to head to my old room.

I place my tray down on the desk and look around the familiar space that was once mine. The cleaning company has already come through. New sheets and bedding and the place is spotless and sterile like no one was ever here.

I take a deep breath, sit on my... on the bed... and cover my face with my hands.

"Julia."

The familiar voice stabs at my nerves, and I scramble to my feet. All I can see is the visions of that night. I begin to panic as Jeremy carefully walks into the room. He doesn't approach me.

"Julia, what's going on? Do you feel like you're having a panic attack?" He stands far away from me but observes me freaking out, reliving the trauma in my head. Even though Jeremy isn't walking towards me, I continue to walk myself backwards until I'm flush up against the wall.

"I can't stop seeing it."

"Seeing what?" He asks but by the look on his face he knows exactly what.

"What you've done." I slide down the wall until I hit the floor and cover my face.

"I can't focus on my mental health until I get help for the trauma you caused."

Jeremy stays in the doorway by crouches down to be at eye level.

"How can I help you get over that?" He asks sincerely.

"Get over that! GET OVER THAT?! It's not something you can just get over!"

"Ok, let me word it differently. How can I help you move on and trust me?"

I laugh, clearly knowing in this moment my bipolar has taken over. Jeremy can see it the second his eyes meet mine. He knows the signs.

"You know." I begin. "My best friend may go to jail because of an accident. Something that could have happened to ANYONE. But because a man didn't survive the crash, James, who already suffers from it, will have to suffer more. He could lose his freedom. Yet you stand here, pretending you have done nothing wrong. You live your life without a care in the world."

"Julia, that's not true."

"No? You know how you could help me move on? Come clean, Doctor Donovan. Go to the police. Tell them what you've done to me. Set the record straight and pay for it. Serve your sentence. That's what you could do to help me heal."

"You know I can't do that."

"Sure you can. You just don't want to. You're a fucking coward. You rather throw me under the bus. Make me look crazy in front of the world claiming false accusations about something that really happened. Something that haunts me every chance it gets. My nightmares all have you in them."

"Moretti." Paul stands behind Jeremy and says my name but his eyes are like daggers on the doctor. "Move." He practically steps over Jeremy to enter the room and lifts me up by my arm.

"Visiting hours have started. You good??" Paul asks.

"Julia, can we please talk about this?" Jeremy pays no attention to Paul.

"There's nothing to talk about. My friend may lose his freedom from an accident, and you get to walk around free after raping me."

"Julia!" Paul reminds me how I can't legally talk about this.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, Julia." Jeremy shakes his head at me like he's giving me another chance.

"You do that, Doctor Donovan.  You pretend nothing happened. You're a pro at pretending." I sneer, shove him out of the way and walk out of the room. Paul grabs my tray and follows me out.

"Wait up!" Paul practically has to run to catch up to me as I head back into the cafeteria to eat my breakfast, that's now probably cold.

The sight I see when I walk into the room makes me freeze. Mike, in the middle of the cafeteria, fighting with a man twice his size. And Mike is winning. He puts the man in a headlock and begins punching him in the stomach.

"Go ahead, say it again you bastard." He growls. All the nurses have pulled out their walky-talkies to page security while the patients in the room roar and cheer on the fight. It's like fricken high school in here right now.

I stand in shock as Paul shoves my tray into me to hold and breaks up the fight immediately.

"What the hell, Maloney!" Paul puts his arms out to separate the two animals practically foaming at the mouth. I've never seen the man Mike was fighting with, but I have a feeling this guy is the one who got his stash stollen.

"Say it again, asshole." Mike seethes, still ready to fight.

"She's a damn whore who claims rape for the publicity."

My mouth drops open, and my heart begins to pound hard. Oh my God. Why would this guy say something like that about me? I don't even know him.

Heat rises to my already flushed cheeks as I look around the room. All eyes are on me now. Including the guy who just said that, giving Mike the perfect opportunity. He decks the large man right across the jaw before walking away. The man loses his balance and falls into one of the tables.

By the time security comes, the show is over and everyone pretends like nothing happened. Mike brushes by me to get out of the room but not before he whispers something on his way out.

"People here are psychotic."

Mike was fighting that guy because he said something about me. Even though I wasn't even in the room, Mike was still defending me.

"Wow, lady. You've got him wrapped around your finger." Cara blurts out with a mouthful of food.

******

*Nate*

"She's gonna be a handful today, boss." Paul says over the phone after letting me know what is happening at the Avalon. I sit back in the chair at the barber shop listening while James and I get our haircuts. Trisha joined and is flipping through a magazine and petting Maggie at the same time while Ren waits in the SUV to drive us around.

I have my phone on my lap on speaker while talking so the Barber can trim around my ears.

"We should go visit Julia, today."

James doesn't acknowledge me. His eyes are fixated on the TV up on the wall in front of us. the news on the trial about to happen in just a few days. The poor guy can't get away from it.

"Gallo..." I try to get his attention. "I have an AA meeting this afternoon. Do you want to come with me and visit Julia?"

No comment. I look over at Trisha and sigh, but she only shrugs her shoulders. James hasn't been talking to anyone much, not even Trisha. 

He's really struggling with all this and knowing Colton West is the lawyer we are up against puts a knot in my stomach for Gallo. The guy is a damn good lawyer. If I couldn't get ahold of Addison Landry, Colton would have been the one I'd hire. That's how good he is. The fact that him and Landry can't stand each other makes this a trillion times worse. 

"Hank, can you change the channel?" I ask the barber who is trimming my stubble. He turns around and grabs the remote, flipping through the channels but they all show news on the upcoming trial. The only thing that doesn't is women's basketball.

"This is fine." I huff and James laughs a little at that. He knows I don't really follow basketball, never mind women's basketball.

But his laugh dies down when we see a KLA News van pull up in front of the barber shop.

"Shit! Trisha lock the door and call Evan." 

Trisha jumps up and not only locks the door but pulls down the blinds so no one can see in.

"Fuck, how the hell did they know we'd be here??" Trisha begins to pace while calling Evan to round up security. She also calls Ren to have him drive to the back of the building.

 Both Hank and George, the two old men who own this shop, pay no attention and continue working on me and James. They are used to shit like this when I come in, but this isn't because of me. This publicity is for James. It's not the good kind of fan-based publicity either and that's not fair to him. 

James didn't ask for any of this.

*******

*Julia*

I decide to eat my breakfast with Mike, in the infirmary. He sits on the table holding an ice pack to his left eye while a nurse grabs the supplies to stitch up his busted lip. Paul stands in the doorway shaking his head as I eat my cold pancakes, not bothered by the scene of Mike.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Guy's a prick who doesn't know how to share." He laughs a little like this is some big game.

"The cigarettes were his, huh?"

"Yeah, that's ok. I had already taken out the good stuff before he stole em back. Then proceeded to kick his ass when he started talking smack about you."

"I don't even know that man!" I burst.

"He was doing it to get a rise out of me. Apparently he is a patient of Donovan's and doesn't approve of the accusations that were made."

"So you beat him up? Are we in high school again?"

"Wouldn't know, sunshine. Never went." He looks away as the nurse comes back with the suture kit and begins stitching up Mike's busted lip.

"Fuck." Paul says under his breath while reading a text message. "Moretti you have group session in a half hour, correct?"

I nod, unsure where he's going with this.

"Mike. Watch over her until then. I need to help out Hollan. I can't go into the group session anyway."

"Help out Hollan? Paul, what's going on?" I push my tray away and eye the bodyguard.

"News van pulled up at Hanks Barber shoppe to interview Gallo. They closed the place down but need extra security to get out of the building now."

"Go." I wave him off. "Make sure they don't get near James. He's not used to this."

Paul gives me a slight nod and heads out. Poor James. This is awful. He hates attention drawn to him as it is. Now they are following him wherever he goes just for a statement?

"Looks like I'm your new bodyguard for a while." Mike raises a brow. "Now, you gonna tell me where you were last night and why your room is vacant?"

*****