*Nate*

[What happened Cara?]

"You really can't talk? This is some joke right?" Cara laughs at me when she walks by Julia's room and sees us eating breakfast. She has a good sized bandage on her forehead and not only has a nurse with her but she's also being escorted by a bodyguard. Like this tiny 18 year old is a danger to all around her. 

Because she is.

"Never mind me, what happened to YOU? Last I saw you you were upchucking blood in the E.R." Cara sits down at the desk in Julia's room, making herself at home. So now we have Me, Julia, Paul, Jeremy who apparently has taken over Nurse Kelly's job, and now Cara, her nurse "Bea" and another fucking bodyguard.

[I'm fine.]

 I put the phone down on the table and ignore my sister. If she's not gonna answer me, I'm sure as hell not gonna answer her. I continue to eat like she's not in the room and nudge Julia who has taken this time to stare at the food she is struggling with. Jeremy notices and takes over.

"You know the first few bites are the hardest. Start eating." Jeremy  focuses on Julia.

"No really...why the hell were you coughing up blood, Nate? You drinking again or something?" Cara examines me, waiting for an answer but I can be just as stubborn. "Fine! Jesus Christ. I don't know, k? I had a moment."

I grab my phone and respond. Cara glances over at the message.

"Yes. A moment that lead to stitches. What the hell do you want from me?" She leans back in the chair just like I do.

"Sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason. It's a chemical imbalance and that day, things just weren't lining up correctly." Jeremy explains and his patient nods and looks down at her fidgeting hands. Then her eyes turn to Julia's hand.

"That an engagement ring or something??" She inspects Julia's hand while Julia pushes her food around.

"Julia. Eat." Jeremy demands.

"There's a lot of people in here." 

"No excuse. You're used to a cafeteria full of patients. Lets go." The doctor demands and I watch Julia's cheeks flush up in embarrassment. Donovan had this fucking attitude in the hospital before...talking to Julia like she's a child.. becoming agitated easily with her. How can someone who is such a genius of a doctor have so many different fucking moods? How can he one minute be an outstanding doctor and the next snappy...or worse...a fucking rapist? I just don't get this guy. I wonder if he was agitated with Cara when she fucked up her head.

"You for real Nate?" Cara ignores everyone and focuses on her own conversation. "Your gonna marry her?" She talks like Jules isn't even in the room.

[what the hell are you talking about]

"Two addicts can't get married. You guys will be a toxic couple. Don't you pay any fucking attention in Recover session? And you got a fucked up heart. Just like dad."

"What does any of that have to do with marriage?" Julia peers at my sister feeling defensive.

"Well for one, codependency and being enablers will fuck up your relationship. You two will feed off each other. Tear each other down. And one or both will cave and use again. You're both destructive. And her.. she's a fucking mess like me. You don't have mental health issues bro, but she sure as hell does."

Heat rises to my face quickly and without the outlet needed- my voice- I lose my temper in other ways. I stand up and swipe my tray of food right off the small folding table, surprising everyone, including myself with the sudden outburst. 

Now I know how James felt. Now I get it when he would have these outbursts. It's fucking frustrating as hell.

"Nate." Paul stands up straighter, as does the other bodyguard and Cara's nurse. Julia quickly gets up and begins picking up the mess on the floor while Jeremy stares at me, unfazed.

"Pick up your phone and text, Nate. Communicate." The doctor hands me my phone, getting in my way of my pacing while my little sister sits there and laughs, knowing she got a rise out of me.

[ YOU'RE FUCKING DELUSIONAL YOU KNOW THAT?]

"Delusional? Or honest? Are you saying Julia does NOT have a mental illness? Look at her. Not only bipolar but she clearly has an eating disorder!"

"I can't listen to this." Julia says under her breath while trying to clean up. Jeremy kneels down to help her but Julia scrambles to move away from him and begins to breath heavier. "No.." 

Her hands begin to shake and she drops the plate again, now having a bit of a panic attack having Donovan so close to her. He quickly puts his hands up and backs away, standing up with a nod.

"Ok, ok." Jeremy backs away more. "Take a breath, Julia."

"What the hell did you do to her?" Cara  squints her eyes at Jeremy. This is the second time she has seen Julia petrified of the doctor. The second time she questions if Julia was claiming false accusations or being truthful. And none of us are allowed to say anything about it by law.

Sooner or later people are gonna put the pieces together. Cara may be a handful but she's a smart girl. She may be the first to begin to believe Julia. But again, this is the beloved Doctor Donovan. It's gonna take more than a skittish woman to convince people.

"I can do it, sweetie." Cara's nurse takes over the clean up for Julia when she sees how shaken up she is.

"Sorry... sorry. I don't know what got into me." Julia lies. Jeremy got into her that's what. But she can't say a thing, can she? I hate this.

"Thanks Bea." Jeremy says in a softer voice, now feeling a bit nervous.

"Anyways.. So there's that dilemma. And the fact that you're probably not gonna outlive dad, are ya? Look at you. You're already coughing up blood and shit. Your heart won't make it another year at this rate."

"You're a piece of work, you know that?!" Julia glares at Cara. "Do you ever think before you speak? What an awful thing to say... to your BROTHER!"

[its fine Jule. she can't help it]

 I quickly hand Julia my phone and shake my head. It's not worth it. My sister isn't worth the fight when she gets like this. There's no talking to her when she's in this kind of mood.

"You could have worded things differently, Cara. Aren't you concerned about Nate's health? Have you asked what his diagnosis is? Maybe you should so you can understand more and be involved in your brother's health." Jeremy asks in a very calm, 'doctorly' manner as the nurse finishes cleaning up and leaves the room with the food to make me another plate.

 But I've lost my appetite.

******

*Julia*

I've never been so upset with Nate's little sister in my life! How can she have no sense of a filter?!

"Fine." Cara huffs and leans back in her chair. "What is your diagnosis, Nate? Besides drinking a hole through your stomach."

I decide to answer for him to save him the time of texting it all out. I sit on the bed next to Nate and hold his hand in both of mine.

"Stage C Heart Failure and an arrhythmia." I say matter of factly and squeeze Nate's hand when he looks away.

"Seriously?" Jeremy responds first. "Stage C?"

"Well, how many letters of the alphabet of stages are there??" Cara snorts.

"Four, Cara." I glare at her. "A, B, C and D."

"He's at C?" She swallows hard and things become real to her now. "And what's the other thing? The rithmea thing." She stops rocking back in her chair and looks at her brother differently. She actually shows a bit of concern for him now.

"Are they thinking of a pacemaker?" Jeremy interrupts Cara, now needing more information. How does he know all this shit? I look at Nate, unsure of the answer but he nods yes.

[its an option. the next step if this gets worse]

Cara looks over at phone on the table. 

"Gets worse? What the hell does that mean?" Her British accent shines through as she becomes more upset. "You're coughing up blood. What are they waiting for? No, seriously Nate. I was only kidding  about the not making it another year." And just like me, being bipolar, Cara's mood takes a turn. The mini Nate Hollan replica covers her mouth and her  big blue eyes instantly water right before she breaks down.

"I was only kidding!" She wails and it breaks us all down, including Paul who clenches his jaw and looks away from the girl. The nurse comes back with more breakfast for Nate and immediately takes charge of Cara.

"C'mon Cara. It's time for your session. We'll touch base later." She quickly removes Cara before she spirals more and the bodyguard follows them out. Paul's phone chimes in and he steps out for a moment as well, knowing I'm fine with Nate in the room, and closes the door behind him.

But Jeremy stays.

"It's a lot for someone without mental illness to comprehend, don't take your sister's reactions to heart. She needs time to process it all." The doctor explains as Nate pinches the tension between his eyes. "Julia... do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about." I can't do this right now. Not with Jeremy. And he'd be the one I'd run to in this facility. But I don't have him anymore. I don't have anyone here anymore. I haven't built a relationship with Melanie yet. It would only have been Jeremy. He'd have been the one.

"Julia. You can talk to me."

"No. I really cant. Believe me...you'd be the one I'd go to for this. But I don't have that anymore do I? I have no one here. And you know why. You ruined that for me!" I blurt out and a pained look overcomes Jeremy's face. Because he knows.

Jeremy nods and scratches his jaw while looking around the room. It's just Jeremy, me and Nate. The Rapist, The Victim, and The Witness.

"Please Julia," He says softly now. "You know I can help you. Both of you."

*******

The ride home from the Avalon was painfully quiet. Today was a lot. For both of us. I lean my head on Nate's chest and he wraps his arms around me. We are both mentally exhausted. Between Cara and then Jeremy.. it was just.... a lot.

"I want to trust him. I just can't. I'm sorry for my outburst." I apologize. 

Things didn't end on good terms in that room. I had a complete meltdown, got in Jeremy's face, screamed, cried, pushed him. Screamed, cried more, pushed him again. And he let me. I caused more stress to Nate which he doesn't need and ended up having Paul take me into another room to calm me down.

Funny how it's Paul who calms me down sometimes. When I first met him I hated the man. I didn't give him the time of day. I think back to just an hour ago and how much has changed in the matter of months.

"You can't let him get under your skin, Moretti." Paul sits me down in the empty room while I cry.

"How can he help me!? He can't help me!" I cry and stand up again but Paul sits me right back down. It's no use. He will do this for hours if need be.

"Take a breath. The last thing you want is to get admitted here against your will, right?" The bodyguard reminds me of where I am and who I'm dealing with. I cover my face and sob into my hands. Paul huffs, sits next to me on the couch and pulls me in while I lose my shit.

"How can anyone expect me to trust him?! I can't! I shouldn't even have to be in the same room with him."

"I know..." I feel Paul lean his chin on the top of my head, unsure what more to say. But he didn't have to say anything. I didn't need him to say anything. Just being there for me calmed me down believe it or not. He's now like a protective big brother to me more than just a bodyguard.

I snap back into reality when Nate nudges me to look at his phone as we pull into his parking garage.

[ Never apologize for that. Remember who he is and what he did to you. He fucked up. He doesn't get second chances Jule.]

I nod and listen to the pounding of his heart while my head rests on his chest.  Nate notices what I'm doing and kisses the top of my head. I grasp on to his t-shirt, and cry while hearing his heart beating. I want to listen to that sound for a long time.

[Hey lets check out what will be our new home while we travel. First the plane, then the tour bus, yeah? We'll take everyone over to see them] 

"Yeah." I once again pull myself together before we head inside. Last thing I need is Trisha on my back for causing Nate more stress.

*****

*Nate*

"This is your plane???" The look of shock on Julia's face is priceless. After the stressful Avalon session this morning, we try to put it aside and move on with our day, not mentioning any of it to anyone else in the house for the time being. Everyone met up to check out how we will do most of our travels.  Between Julia and Casey I don't know which face is more comical. Jonah and James as well. This stuff doesn't faze Trisha or Paul. They are used to it.

[Well half my plane. The other half is Trisha's. Hell, she works more hours than I do. I just show up.] 

I text and Trisha reads it to everyone and then laughs.

"This is unbelievable." James says softly as everyone looks around.

[let me show you our room]

 I give Julia my phone and take her hand. I walk her into the master bedroom that has it's own bathroom and Julia being Julia, begins to get teary eyed. She sits on the bed and soaks it all in.

"This is really happening." Julia says. I sit down next to her and text.

[This is really happening, doll]

 I kiss the side of her head. I've waited for this tour for so long. We've been through so much in such a short amount of time. All of us on this plane have. Everyone deserves to get away and it's really happening. And soon.

Julia leans the side of her head on my shoulder and I wrap my arm around her, taking in the scent of shampoo and her vanilla perfume.

To think I almost lost this woman once.  I think about that night often.  That night in Boston haunts me. Seeing Julia in that tub of cold water, passed out, no longer wanting to live.

There have been  numerous times Julia has been suicidal since then and I wonder how many times she has tried and failed before that night. I fear one of these days Julia is not going to fail.  I fear one of these times she's going to succeed and I will lose her forever. She'd just become the "next" Eric Furgeson.

"What are you thinking right now?" Julia asks while threading her fingers through mine and holding my hand.

[You want my fake answer or honest answer?] 

I tease Julia using a phrase she used when we first met.

"Both" She remembers and answers.

I begin to text back.

[I'm thinking...we're gonna board this plane and have the time of our lives. An entire year of adventure and bliss.]

I let Julia read the text before I type my honest response.

[And I'm thinking.. I'm scared. Scared something's gonna happen. Because something always seems to happen lately.  I'm scared you won't enjoy tour. I'm scared I won't be healthy  enough...]

I look at Julia's big brown eyes as she stares back at me.

"I'm scared to die." I whisper, breaking the no talking rule.

Julia nods and wipes a tear that escaped down my face.

"And I'm scared to live." She responds.

*****

"You're quiet tonight. No pun intended." Jonah steps out onto the balcony and stands next to me while I look at the city lights. I swear we use this balcony for therapy sessions. The dog sits right by my side.

I pull my phone out of my back pocket and begin typing, though this no talking thing is getting old.

[I'm worried. About Julia. Tour. My heart. My voice. If I'll be ready.]

I hand my phone over to to Jonah. Instead of talking he complies with the rules and texts as well.

[All valid concerns]

I have nothing more to say so put my phone back in my pocket.  Jonah respects that and kneels down to pet Maggie. A  few minutes go by before he stands and breaks the silence.

"Listen. I'm only gonna say this once. I know you're scared with everything going on but you're heart, your diagnosis, it's not a death sentence, ok? You need to stop treating it like one." Jonah puts a hand on my shoulder. "Nobody, not one of us under this roof, is guaranteed tomorrow.  All you can do is focus on healing and staying healthy. The rest, believe in what you want, is up to God."

I nod to let him know I hear him. And I do. It's just a shock to the system, and then to have Cara pretty much pick out my tombstone by saying I won't last a year was the cherry on top.

"As far as Julia goes, Julia is Julia. Take each hour as it comes. You have made it very possible for her to go on tour with you and do ok. Hell, you're bringing her best friend, you're paying for everything and hired me and Casey to watch over her. There is absolutely nothing more you can do. You're in love with a woman who has Bipolar Disorder. She's gonna have it the rest of her life and some things will be out of your control. All you can do is trust me to keep her as healthy as possible. Case is wonderful, she'll be good for James, to help him with little stuff. But I've got Julia, ok?"

 I breath out a little sigh of relief. Jonah gets it. All of it. I couldn't ask for a better nurse in my corner. I just need to accept that there are some things out of my control. That's so fucking hard to do.

******

*Julia*

[I thought you'd be sleeping by now, love?] 

Nate walks in the room, hands me his phone then studies my face. He can tell instantly. 

[You had one of your nightmares.]

"I did."

[ wanna talk about it?]

"I do not." I shake my head and watch Nate go into the bathroom.

 I hear him turn the water on for the spa tub. I swear the man is a fish. He's the only guy I've ever met that enjoys taking baths often. His water bill must be outrageous. Especially in that swimming pool of a spa tub! Nate doesn't say a word. He's not supposed to anyways but he does this often when he sees me awake. 

He takes my hand and pulls me out of bed, walking me to the bathroom and closing the door. He puts his cell phone on the vanity chair next to the large tub and puts a towel next to it, in case he needs to talk, so he can dry his hands.

Then Nate slowly undresses me and then himself. He steps into the tub, still holding my hand, and guides me in with him.  Like always, I fit perfectly while laying on him as we face the same way. The water is the perfect temperature and I melt right into Nate. I could do this every single night with him for the rest of my life.  I think it calms him. Soothes him. I've grown to love when we do this.  Some of our deepest conversations are when we are relaxing  in this tub together.

I can't help but wonder how many more baths we'll get to share with Nate's broken heart.

*****