*Julia* 

Christmas came and went. Nate was really busy since he was part of the iHeartRadio Jingle Ball concert line- up, but he was able to spend a few hours with me on Christmas day. Not that it mattered. He spent the day holding my hair back while I got sick and comforting me through my withdrawals.

Aside from surprising me with the real Christmas trees throughout the Avalon, Nate purchased me a beautiful gold necklace with a heart and a diamond in the middle. I don't even want to know how much it cost him. 

I bought him......

 Nothing. 

I cried a lot about that. Our first Christmas together and I couldn't buy Nate OR James a present. I won't see Nate on NYE thanks to his contract. His producer already R.S.V.P.'d Nate to show up at some big L.A. event. He'll probably take Trisha. I haven't seen James since the lock down. Christmas is one of the hardest days for him and I wasn't there to be his shoulder to cry on.  Again, Trisha was probably with him. 

I knew this would happen. Eventually everyone gets busy with their own lives.  Everyone ELSE gets busy with their own lives. It's the whole reason I signed the papers to be a resident here. I didn't want them to feel obligated. I didn't want to hold anyone back. I didn't want to burden anyone. This way both Nate and James can live life without worrying about me. 

Meanwhile Jeremy changed up my meds due to my depression. Christmas is hard enough for people like me and James. Withdrawals makes it that much more fun and depression is the cherry on top.

So no one here is surprised I fight getting out of bed today.

"You did good eating breakfast and lunch. And held it down." Dr. Katherine Cohen writes in my chart. Jeremy must be off for a few days because I haven't seen him around at all. Cohen is not a fan of mine and I certainly am not a fan of hers. She was team Jeremy when I was raped. Not only that, she vouched for him AND threatened me, pretty much telling me it would be in Nate's best interest if I dropped the charges because of how it would affect him.

***

"I have to go to court and testify?!" I hand the letter to Paul.

"As do I, and Nate- as witnesses." He grumbles while reading the formal letter.

"But the cops arrested him right there. I was sent to the hospital!" I finally look up at Katherine Cohen.

"It's protocol that you show for the initial trial to prosecute the defender. Unless you drop the charges." She says in a matter-of-fact way.

"Why would she drop the charges?" Paul is the one to chime in now, and that never happens.

"Julia....Are you sure you want to go through with this? Dr. Donovan has an excellent defense lawyer and some incriminating evidence against you. Not only that, isn't Nate Hollan scheduled to go on tour? If he is a witness, he will not be able to go until this case is closed."

****

 The petite woman does her job and only her job. But all I can think of is how awful of a doctor she is. She really believed Jeremy over me. A grown adult woman. But of course, my mental illness pinned me as a crazy person. Some delusional, unstable woman who asked for it.

I mean... I am a crazy, delusional, unstable woman. A woman who willingly slept with the man who previously raped her. I swear Jeremy Donovan is like two different people though. The monster and then the caring doctor. The only thing that I keep telling myself is that monster isn't Jeremy. Just like I'm not me during my episodes. But using him after to numb myself from my withdrawal symptoms makes me a monster too. A selfish, ruthless piece of shit monster.

New Years Resolution- keep my fucking legs closed.

******

*Nate* 

"Is 31 the age you officially start feeling old?" I question as I slow the speed down on the treadmill. James is now faster than me. He can run on the treadmill faster and longer in duration. Isn't he like 37 or something? AND disabled? What the fuck! New Year's Resolution...beat Gallo in running time.

"Awww, Playboy. Did Mr. Gallo beat you again??" Trisha hops off the elliptical and stops the treadmill for James at the 45-minute mark. She then leans up and kisses him.

It still feels weird to me...this Trisha/James combo. I can't imagine how it must feel for Julia. I never loved Trisha...not like that. I mean, I love her. Of course I love her. But not the way I'm madly in love with Julia. Julia always reminded me how she loves James the exact same amount as she loves me and that may never change.

I should probably make it a point to see her today...

"Oh shit. It's almost two. You have to be in the studio in an hour."

Scratch that.

"I was kind of hoping to visit Julia." I wipe my brow with a towel and open a water for James.

"Yeah, I don't think that will be happening today, Nate. After your studio session, Ren will drop you off at the tailors to have your suit fitted for the New Years Eve party. And youuu, hotstuff, have PT with Ryan and Lindsay wants to see the dog before she travels for work."

Great. Julia is going to go another day with no visitors.

Once upstairs in the apartment Jonah and Casey are back on James duty since Trish and I are leaving. The come out of their bedroom both sporting their "Just fucked each other's brains out" look. Jonah always ALWAYS keeps his private life with Casey quiet. They rare show any public displays of affection, but you can't hide the post sex glow, no matter how hard you try.

"Have fun, kids?" I sigh and walk past them towards the fridge.

"He's in a mood." Jonah responds.

"He's just being a baby because he doesn't have time to see Moretti." Trisha rolls her eyes at me. "C'mon James. I'll help you in the shower before I head out."

"Yeah, you do that. No sex in my shower, either." I sometimes wonder if this is what having college roommates would be like. Not that I got to experience college. I was a bit busy touring the world. I wonder if I would have been smart enough to get into Oxford. That university is the top ranked school in Europe. But Harvard, where Donovan went, is still ranked first globally and is one of the Ivy League schools. I was smart in school. Highest in Math.

"So, no one is visiting Julia today?" Paul puts down his cup of coffee and shakes his head at me. Protective Paulie. That's what I'm going to call him from now on. Bastard has a soft spot for Julia after being with her for so long. Not sexual. I don't think...

"I didn't realize Trisha scheduled a session for me. I tried to see Julia after my AA meeting the other day but she was in a grief therapy group and then I had to jet out for an interview."

"I'll swing by." Paul grabs a set of keys out of the basket, and I laugh loudly.

"You think you're funny, slick." I swipe my Merecedes keys out of Paul's hands and throw him Julia's Jeep keys.

"Not like you can drive anytime soon." 

 Touche.

*****

*Julia*

I've gotten out of bed twice today. Both times just to use the bathroom so I don't get another damn uti. One good thing about Dr. Cohen, she could give two shits if I get up or not. She's not like Jeremy. She doesn't push me. She doesn't even bother with me.

I haven't seen Mike once which means he's probably in bed doing and feeling the same as me. I don't have the effort in me to walk down and find out. Cara treats me like the plague. Even the Christmas trees have been taken down now. All but the one in my hall. Nate paid extra to have that one stay until New Years Day.

I roll over in my bed so I'm no longer facing the wall.

"Jesus Christ!" I jump. "Why do you have to be so creepy. My God Paul."  

Paul is leaning against the doorway with his legs and arms crossed in a relaxed manner, wearing a black T-shirt that hugs his biceps and faded blue jeans. Black boots of course.

"Why are you still in bed, Moretti?" 

I huff and pull the blanket right up over my head. "What's it to you?" I grumble but am secretly kind of glad at least SOMEONE thought of me this week. Even if it IS Paul. I hear him sit down in the chair next to my bed.

"You're still here?" I say sarcastically and squint my eyes at him when he pulls the blanket down off my head.

"What's going on, Julia?" Paul clasps his hands together and waits.  I hate how I'm so easy to read. To everyone. Especially Paul. "And don't you dare cry. I don't do crying, remember?" He says the second he notices my eyes water. Paul has seen me cry more than laugh.

So what's the first thing I do? I burst into tears. He's not shocked. His shoulders sag and his dark eyes soften. And when I say burst into tears, I mean, crying so hard I can't form a sentence.

"Talk..." Paul waits patiently for me to calm down.

"This is it for me, huh? This is my life. Here... at the Avalon. For the next, what, 40 years if I'm lucky?" I flop to face the wall again and curl up. "All my Christmases. All my New Years. This is what it will be like. I get to ring in the new year with.. who... Mike? Jeremy??" I cry harder and to my surprise, I feel Paul come sit on the side of the bed and give my shoulder a few light pats.

Look at that. Tin man has a heart.

"Did Donovan change your meds?"

I turn around and nod with confusion.

"You get like this every time they fuck around with your meds. Where's your chart?"

 Is Paul mutating from bodyguard to a doctor before my very eyes? I watch him stand up, walk to the door, look both ways down the hall, and then take my chart right off the wall. He casually walks back in while reading it. Who IS this man!?

"Divalproex and antipsychotic med combo." Paul looks over me and back down. I shrug. I really don't know half the shit they put me on anymore. "This combination is recommended for 'severe mixed episodes.' notes good ol Dr. Donovan." He says sarcastically and puts my chart back before someone notices and sits back in the chair. "It said you were on day three. Sounds about right."

"You think you know me soo well." I pout. But he does. Paul knows me well now. Like I said, I'm easy to read. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see I'm messed up.

"I know your frustrated. Not feeling yourself. Moody as all hell."

I wipe my eyes and sniff. I won't deny any of that. "Why did you come here, Paul? To play doctor?" 

God, he's right. I AM moody as hell. No wonder I don't get any visitors.

Paul shrugs. "Thought maybe you could use some company. Company that won't bullshit you. Cuz you're a prize today, Moretti."

I shiver from the chills and lay back down, pulling the cover right up to my chin.

"Thanks for coming here." I say genuinely and close my eyes. "Sorry, I'm just... sad." A tear escapes and rolls down my cheek. "Sad and freezing and doing this damn detox alone. At least Nate had a houseful of people to help him. I've got...." I open my eyes and shake my head. "Noone. I feel all alone here."

"When was the last time you had visitors??"

I have to think about it. "Christmas day. Nate stopped by for two hours." Christmas day. Five days ago. It's not really that long but it feels like forever in here. Especially when in the beginning I had both Nate and James visiting every day. 

"It's been five days since anyone has been here? Even James?"

"You're not helping, Paul. Yes. The last time I saw or heard from James was when we had the lockdown, and he was forced to stay here."

"You haven't left this bed since, have you?" I hear empathy in Paul's voice which is uncommon. Emotion is not his strong suit. I don't answer. He knows the answer. The only time I've left this bed is to shower and pee. My withdrawals have taken over my body completely.

"Get up." Paul demands.

"What?"

"Get up. Lets go." He pulls the covers right off me so my curled-up body shakes more. "It's 65 degrees outside. That's a heat wave for someone from Boston. We'll go out to the garden. You need fresh air."

"No. What I need is to be done with this." I don't bother moving but I should have known Paul Rossi doesn't take no for an answer. He pulls my arm and drags me out of bed.

"God, you're a mess." I actually hear a little laugh when he looks at my wild hair. I give him a sassy face and grab my brush. It takes me a full minute to brush the knots out of my hair before I can toss it up into a ponytail. I'm wearing an oversized black hoodie and black leggings which on a normal day would be enough for me but during detox, you're always cold. Always cold yet always sweating. Guess that's why they call it the cold sweats.  I sit on the bed as Paul tosses my sneakers but my hands tremble so much I can't tie my laces and begin to cry, hoping he doesn't notice.

But this is Paul. He notices. He doesn't say anything though and quickly ties my sneakers without making me feel bad like we would for James.

Everyone is at their sessions except the patients too sick from detox. Me. So the halls are empty. Paul has to hold on to my arm and walk slow due to my dizziness. I lead him to the private little garden area. The minute the air hits my face I shiver. But it feels good. He was right. I needed some air. Different scenery. With Cohen as my current doctor there was no one to push me to do what would help me. I wasn't in the right mindframe to do it for myself.

That's the thing with depression. Bipolar, mania, eating disorder aside... depression is the one that sucks the life out of me. It's slow growing, not up and down like Bipolar. Depression slowly creeps up behind you and you don't notice it right away. By the time you do notice it, you're already knee deep in the quicksand and are too tired to make the effort to get out. That's what depression feels like to me. I lose the will do want to do ...well...anything.

The switch in medications don't help and I'm surprised that Paul was the one to know what to do.

I sit right next to Paul at the picnic table facing out, so the sun is hitting us. Not like Paul could face in. His legs are too long. It would have been funny to watch him try though.

He doesn't say anything, nor does he look at me. We just... sit. But it's not awkward. Paul isn't a talker and feeling down and out, I'm currently not in the mood to talk either.

I pull my knees up to my chest and lean my chin on my knees. Another thing I'd love to see Paul try and do. I break the silence after a few minutes but talk while staring ahead.

"Once everyone goes on tour, this is how it will be. I'll have no visitors. I don't know anyone but you guys. And I've cut ties with most of my friends in Boston after Danny died. Because most of my friends were parents of his friends. I couldn't handle the sad sympathetic looks I'd get. It was too much. So this is what it will feel like when you all go on tour."

Paul leans back so his elbows rest on the table behind us and nods. He doesn't respond because there was no question involved. 

Just me venting.

"Do you like Chinese food?" Paul asks out of nowhere.

"What?!" I break my stare and look at him like he has two heads. THAT'S what Paul is thinking about right now?  Fucking CHINESE FOOD?

"Do. You. Like. Chinese Food." He repeats like I'm hard of hearing.

"You know I do."

"Good. I'll bring Chinese food tomorrow for New Years Eve. Everyone eats Chinese food on New Years Eve." The bodyguard still doesn't make eye contact. "I'll stay till midnight."

"They're not going to let you stay till midnight, Paul. Nice try though."

"Try and stop me." He finally looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

"You don't have to. I don't need your pity." I state. "Anyway, you'll be with Nate for that big New Year's Eve Bash in the city."

"Evan Scolfield can do it.  And you don't have my pity."

******

*Nate*

"You don't have to stay until midnight, Trish. You should be with James." I tuck in my shirt and talk to Trisha while she does her makeup. 

"Are you sure? You're not going to need a babysitter??" She cocks a brow at me. This party is the absolute last thing I want to do. But it's a celebrity event and Richard took it upon himself to rsvp for me. There's going to be booze and drugs and woman and everything I'm addicted to and shouldn't be near. I rather ring in the New Year with Julia.

"Evan will babysit me. Unless you want to bring James with us. He can be a bodyguard alongside Evan. He still has his suit." The guy is in a bit of a depression. I imagine this happens every year around the time of his son's death. Julia was the same way leading up to the anniversary of Danny's death. Maybe this will be good to get him out.

"Let me go ask!" Trisha throws her robe on and hurries out of my room. I fiddle with my hair a little while waiting and then text Julia. She never gets back to me though. Julia is awful with communication.

I walk out in to the main living area to see Trisha practically begging James to get off the couch.

"C'mon. It'll be fun! You don't REALLY have to work as a bodyguard. It's just so you can get in." Trisha pulls James by the arm but he shakes his head.

"Not my scene, Trish. You know that." James grumbles.

"You're really gonna stay home on New Years Eve?? If you go with Trish that means Casey and I can go out to dinner." Jonah gives me a little wink because he knows we are all playing the game to get James out of this funk.

"Fine." James huffs. "I don't want to be the one to hold you and Casey back from making plans tonight."

"Yay!" Trisha exclaims. "C'mon sexy. I'll help you get ready." She practically has to drag James into his room.

"Thanks Jonah." I look over to the nurse. 

"We don't really have plans. I assumed we would be caring for James tonight."

"Well go make plans. Want me to make a reservation for you at Rosa's??" 

Rosa's is a well know Italian restaurant on the other side of town. It's hard to get in but if I call, they will make room.

"Rosa's? Really?"

"Really. I'll call now. Does 7 work? You can take one of my cars."

"Thanks. I'll go let Casey know. She'll be happy to hear this." He smiles at me and heads to their room. Good. Everyone has something to do.

Everyone but Julia.

My heart drops thinking that. She's stuck at the Avalon through the holidays. I won't be able to ring in the new year with her or anything. How depressing.

****

Ren pulls up to the venue this time in a limo. It's a red-carpet event so the limo is a must. Evan and James get out first. Gallo looks good. Trisha got him off that damn couch and he's showered and in uniform. No Maggie with him due to this type of event. She'll be fine at home for a few hours.

James puts his hand out for Trisha, and she climbs out of the limo. She, of course, looks amazing. A fire engine short red dress that hugs her body. A slit travels up the side of her leg and she has strappy matching red heels. I'm wearing an Armani black suit and red tie. Simple but good for NYE.

"If you feel like being around all the alcohol is too much just let me know, ok?" Trish links her arm in mine, and I give her a slight nod of appreciation. Cameras are everywhere as we walk down to the entrance. Evan in front and James behind.

The place is dark with this huge expensive sparkling ball hanging from the cathedral ceiling, ready to drop come midnight. Disco lights and a live DJ make the party lively and waitresses that all look like models walk around with trays of booze. The large room smells like weed and there is literally a table off to the side with cocaine and all sorts of pills of different colors. A line of celebrities form with their wallets to pay for a good time. It's ridiculous. The dealer might as well hand them a card for the Avalon to go with their crack.

 Anybody who is somebody is here tonight.

Including...

"You've gotta be shitting me." I inhale sharply. Trisha follows my eyes to see what I'm looking at.

"Christ. Ok. Just stay close to us alright?"

Mila Giovanni is in the corner of the room talking to someone in Italian. I spotted her right away. She is wearing this skintight very short sparkling sequence silver dress that draws attention to her body.  The party started two hours ago but I always come late. Mila is already holding a glass of some kind of alcohol and her cheeks are flush from being tipsy.

But she looks fucking gorgeous, and I hate that.

James notices her and looks back to give me quite the evil look.

"I swear to God, Hollan... if you do something to hurt Julia tonight, I will deck you right in front of everyone." By the look in James's eyes, he's not joking. "I'll willingly get arrested for it."

"I'm not going to do anything." I walk in the opposite direction to mingle, leaving Trisha with her REAL date, James, while Evan stays a few feet behind and keeps a close eye on me. 

Of course, the moment one person notices me everyone does. I draw a crowd and within seconds Mila is standing right next to me.

******

*Julia*

"How did you con them to let you in?" I eye Paul who stands at the door of my room with two big paper bags full of chinese food.

"Apparently all you need is chinese food.  I bought the staff two big bags and said I'd stay in your room. Jeremy told them it was fine."

Everyone here knows Paul by now, but the fact Jeremy ok'd it means he's done yet another favor for me.

"You really want to spend New Year's Eve with me?" I sit up in my perfectly made bed and for once I'm not wearing Avalon clothes.  I'm wearing my favorite oversized green sweater and black jeans that were once a little snug but now a little big. I watch Paul put the two bags on the desk and take everything out.

"Got nowhere else to be. Looks like you don't either." He snorts and I roll my eyes at the bodyguard. But it really is such a nice gesture of him to do this. Paul of all people. 

He leans his cellphone up against the lamp on the desk and streams Dick Clark's New Years Eve special with Ryan Seacrest.

"There. Now come eat."

I'm not hungry in the slightest but I HAVE to force myself to eat. Paul went out of his way to do this for me. He pulls another chair over to the desk and hands me a paper plate. I plop down in the chair and we begin to eat and watch tv from his phone.

Until a message pops up.

A message from Nate.

[ fucking mila is here and already all over me.]

I stare at the message before it disappears. Awesome. Happy New Year Nate... enjoy.

"C'mon Moretti. Eat at least a little." Paul looks over at me while scoffing down noodles.

"Yeah. I lost my appetite. I need to go use the restroom." I stand up. "You may want to check your texts though."

I walk out of the room, close the door behind me and lean on it with my eyes closed for a moment before heading to the bathroom. I'm at least able to hold in my tears until I'm in the bathroom with the door shut. 

 Of course, Mila would be there. And of course she would be all over Nate. He's probably loving it too.

It takes me a good ten minutes straight to pull myself together when there's a knock at the door.

"Julia, you good?" Paul says in a quiet voice. "I saw the text. Can you come out?"

"Give me a minute." I sniff but continue to sit up on the counter with no intentions of moving. When Paul realizes I'm not budging I hear him let out a sigh.

"Fine. I can't stay in the hallway. I'm not supposed to be here. Coming in." He waits a few seconds before opening the door. He lets out another sigh when he sees me sitting on the counter in tears. Paul closes the door behind him, stands in front of me and crosses his arms. Even though I'm sitting on the counter the man still towers over me. He looks down with softer eyes.

"I talked to Nate. Trisha is on top of things. But Moretti, this shit is gonna happen. Mila Giovanni going to the same events as Nate."

"It's the 'already all over me' part, Paul"

"Which is why Trisha is right there keeping an eye on things. Mila goes overboard. I've seen it myself. Nate could be just sitting somewhere, and she makes it a point to sit next to him and drape all over the guy. Believe me. He doesn't want that."

"Paul... he cheated on me with her!"

"And you cheated on him a million times as well. He's not gonna do anything tonight. James already put the fear of God in him." 

I smirk just thinking that. I can just picture James threatening Nate. Probably said he was going to punch him in the face. 

"Now can we please go eat? I'm starvin."

I nod and hop off the counter. Paul's right. Mila will be everywhere.  I can't freak out over every little thing. But if Nate comes home with a black eye, I'll know he slipped up with her. Now I'm glad James tagged along.

******

*Nate*

A brunette with a tray of whiskey, scotch and vodka passes by me and it takes all my strength to not take a glass. The alluring smell of the whiskey tempts me, and I have to walk away to not give in to my addiction. I look down at my Rolex. 10pm.  I can do this.

Trisha steered Mila away from me by grabbing her arm and dragging her out to the dance floor. Aside from the communication barrier, Trisha actually has fun when she is with Mila. I noticed it when we went to Universal Studio's way back when. Trisha and Mila went on all the rides together and had a blast. Julia was supposed to be with me but I was stuck in one of Richard's PR relationships with Mila so couldn't be seen with Julia.  God, looking back, that shit broke me. I began to drink again and turned into this awful person towards Jules. 

This job of mine WILL be the death of me one of these days.

It's right at that moment...right as I think that exact thought... a shooting pain brings me to drop to my knees.

*****