*Nate*

I'm not sure what's happening. We're drifting apart. The more time Julia spends in the Avalon, the more I'm losing sight of her. She's well into her detox, but that only explains a piece of it. The rest I can't put my finger on. Maybe it's my mother now being a patient there. I'm not sure, but Julia is separating herself from our 'village'. Trisha doesn't bother visiting her, James tries, but Julia is having a hard time with his new relationship with Trish. Jonah and Casey can only do so much. It's just Paul and I left, and we're running out of ways to get into Julia's head and understand her. Hell, even Mike Maloney is trying with no luck.

Because Paul recently brought the rape back up to the forefront of Julia's head, and was so upset with her over it, she has the fear back in her when it comes to Jeremy. Right now, Mike sits next to Julia in the cafeteria and fucking Donovan is sitting down right across from her. Last night I had to finally let the dude know why the sudden change and sudden fear Julia possesses for Jeremy again. He couldn't make eye contact with Paul the rest of the night and Julia is scared and visibly nervous with him sitting across from her today.

Before heading to Julia's table, I look around the cafeteria and spot Cara sitting next to Rita. I thought she wasn't going to the cafeteria since she is just beginning her detox?

"Why is Rita in here?" I ask Dickhead D.

"Your sister insisted she join her." Jeremy answers.

Rita is clearly not feeling it. She sits with her arms crossed looking around the room while Cara scoffs down her food and talks to her mother. Cara is trying so hard to build a relationship and it breaks my heart to know it's going to fall to pieces. All Cara wants is a mom. The only thing I can hope for is that when Jules is over her own detox, she can fill that void in some small way for Cara. Julia is very loving and as we all know, an amazing caretaker.

"Hey love." I lean down and kiss the top of Julia's head. She barely acknowledges me. I sigh and sit on the other side of her.

"Can you please go somewhere else? I can't eat with you sitting right here." Julia keeps her eyes down at her food and at first, I think she is talking to me. Jeremy lets out a sigh letting it be known her words were geared towards him.

"Julia. We talked about this." He shakes his head.

"Please..." Jules looks like she may just burst into tears. Jeremy swallows hard with a nod and gets up, leaving the room entirely.

"You really do need to eat, doll." I push her food closer to her.

"Can't you see I'm TRYING?!" That was the last straw for Julia. She swipes her tray clear off the table and bolts up out of her chair.

"God damn it. Can ANYONE give me space?!" She gains attention from the room before hightailing it out of the cafeteria. Of course, Rita is loving the drama. She always loved drama.

"She's been like this all day." Mike says.

Lovely.

******

*Julia*

I can't stop thinking about the rape(s). Seeing Paul get mad at me the way he did, triggered something. It brought it all back. I've been trying to suppress those awful memories for so long and for a while I was doing a pretty good job at it. But now, every time I close my eyes, every time I see Jeremy, it all comes back to me. Every little detail, every threat, every bruise, floods back into my head.

"Can we talk?" Jeremy stands in my doorway after my outburst in the cafeteria I would think he would be mad but he's not.

"I can't stop seeing it!" I cry. Jeremy comes in and sits on the chair next to my bed. I'm so worked up I don't even care he is in here.

"What can't you stop seeing, Julia?" He leans forward and puts his forearms on his knees, folding his hands together, ready to listen.

"The rape. What you did."

Jeremy frowns and drops his head. His eyes look down at the ground with no words. He takes his glasses off and wipes his eyes with his palm. While his head is still dropped down, he sniffs and nods.

"I'm so sorry." Jeremy whispers to the floor.

It shocks me for a moment. Jeremy is genuinely regretting it all. This isn't some game. His emotions are real. Jeremy is sorry for what he did. I can feel the remorse. You can't fake that. He puts a hand on his forehead covering his eyes and begins to cry. "I'm so fucking sorry."

I'm suddenly no longer crying or having my own little fit of rage I was two minutes ago. I'm wide eyed in shock. I almost don't know what to do here. I've never seen this side of Jeremy. I almost.... I almost want to console him. ALMOST. I almost feel compassion for him. But what he did to me, it's something I will never forget.

But it's something he will never forget either.

Maybe he is telling the truth.

Maybe Jeremy was a different person when he did those things.

Maybe he really is getting help for his mental illness.

Maybe it did take over him- just like it took over me two minutes ago when I flung my food clear across the room.

Maybe we aren't so different from each other after all.

No. I would never go that far. I would never.

But if he was out of control. If all his symptoms aligned perfectly, feeding off each other, a vicious monster came out of him. Like it did for me when all my symptoms aligned perfectly during my UTI. How I spun out of control. The damage I did was to myself. The damage he did was to me.

That monster? That monster isn't here right now. Right now, there's a man in his early thirties crying into his hands over something he did and can never take back. The scars will always remain in my head. You can't unsee it. All we can do is get the help we need. Both of us.

Because everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone.

******

*Nate*

"Gonna go in and check on your bride to be?" Cara scoffs, sitting down at my table now. Rita doesn't follow.

"Why are you giving her the time of day, Ca?" I glare at the woman who gave birth to us.

"She's going to help me." Cara says with excitement. "She said once I get out of here, we can get an apartment together and I can live with her."

My eyes drift back to my little sister. I now stare at Cara. She wants a relationship with her mom so fucking bad she will believe anything the woman says.

"Ca...." I frown, heartbroken for my sister.

"I can get better! I can try really hard and-"

"Cara. Doll, look at me." I take both her hands in mine. Her eyes are filled with hope. Hope and lies from our mom. "She's never going to get that apartment. You will never live with her. She's full of shit."

"No. She means it this time."

"This is your home. You're doing well here. Your medications are working, you're getting back on track and getting healthy."

"She said maybe I won't need the meds. Once I'm better I can move in w-"

"CARA." I say with more boldness. "Sweetie. She's playing you. She's giving you false hope. Bipolar doesn't just get better. You know this. Hell look what just happened with Julia. And she's twice your age. This isn't something that goes away over time. You're getting your hopes up and Rita's going to disappoint you. Look at her. She's all fucking strung out on shit. She can't even take care of herself right now!"

"She's gonna get better, Nate." Cara stands up with anger written all over her face and walks away.

She's buying into this, and it kills me. I hate this. I hate that Rita is even near Cara. Brainwashing her. How does my sister not see this?? There's no changing Cara's mind or convincing her that Rita is a game player. She's getting Cara's hopes up and then something will fall through, it always does, sending Cara into depression.

All my sister wants is a mother that loves her. Rita is not that person.

"I'm going to bring food to Julia. She didn't eat enough." Mike grabs another tray and starts adding food to it before the cafeteria closes. I give up on arguing with my sister and follow Mike down to Julia's room in hopes Julia has calmed down.

*****

*Julia*

I have to admit, I currently feel sympathy for Jeremy. He is literally crying in front of me right now and I don't know how to process it.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be in here talking about this." The doctor wipes his eyes one last time before putting his glasses back on, trying to pull himself together.

"Jeremy, I may not be able to forgive you right now or five years from now. But someday I may be able to. Just keep getting the help you need. Keep taking the meds and doing all the things that keep you healthy, ok?"

Hearing that made Jeremy nod, but his face contorts, and he looks away, his eyes filling with tears once again.

"That's all I can hope for." His voice cracks and my eyes begin to sting.

Nate and Mike walk into the room to see a very distraught doctor. Jeremy quickly gets up and leaves while trying to regain composure.

"What the hell was that all about?" Mike puts the tray down on the table.

"Julia, did he do something??" Nate says anxiously.

"No. He was apologizing to me. That's all that was." I explain.

"Yeah, doesn't work like that, doll. Like Paul said, you can NEVER forgive him or let your guard down. You know that, right?"

But I can't help the gut feeling I have. The feeling that Jeremy is genuinely sorry. That he really is trying to get the help he needs.

"You wouldn't understand." I say dryly.

"Understand? You're not serious. Julia, I was THERE. What I don't understand is you ever being able to forgive him. Yes, he is a very smart doctor. Yes, he is the only one who knows how to treat you. And that's fine. Use him for what he can offer. But don't go forgiving that asshole for what he's done to you." Nate looks at me with frustration.

"If forgiving him helps me heal, then maybe I can someday. You're a pro at holding grudges. I'm not, Nate. If I didn't forgive people you think I'd ever be with YOU again after what you've done to me? Like, cheating on me with Mila Giovanni?" I snap. Just saying her name out loud sends tears to my eyes. The way Nate was towards me. The things he said while he was drinking. The things he did while I was in a deep depression.

*****

"Now why are you crying? You're always fucking crying."

I frown and look up at him. He wreaks of Mila's perfume.

"Have fun tonight?" I choke on my tears and wipe my eyes.

"Sure did. You know it's all fake, though." He lies, and I cry harder.

"I don't know why the hell you are crying. God, you're such a downer, Jule. I should have just stayed in her hotel room." Nate drunkingly blurts out.

"You went to her hotel room??"

"Well, yeah doll. That's what you do when you fuck all night." Nate laughs.

I look away and sob. Literally sob.

"Jesus Jule. Pull yourself together." Nate stands up and heads to his room.

I head to the guest bathroom and throw up.

*****

Nate doesn't know what to say to that. Because he knows that was rough for me but eventually, I went ahead and forgave him. Even after being scarred from my broken marriage.

"So sue me if I want to try and see the good in people. And encourage them to continue to get the help they need. I would not be with you if I wasn't a forgiving person." I glare at him and climb into bed rolling over to face the wall, now thinking about that awful time Nate was with Mila. "You can leave whenever you want."

I close my eyes and try to shut down so I don't think of all the bad things that people have done to me.

It feels like me and Nate are no longer on the same page. He's not understanding me like he used to. No one is. Between James moving on and barely visiting me and Nate and I not seeing eye to eye, I feel so alone in this.

*****

*Nate*

"Hey friend. You feeling ok?" Jonah joins me out on the balcony. I sigh heavily and continue to stare out at the L.A. lights.

"Me and Jules didn't leave things on good terms today. We're not on the same page right now."

"Well, what page are you on?" Jonah sits down and clasps his hands together, ready to listen to me as a friend.

"She's beginning to let that asshole Donovan get close to her again. She's letting her guard down. She's starting to forgive him!"

At first Jonah furrows his brows hearing this but then lets out a slight huff and shakes his head.

"Sounds about right." He starts. "That's Julia for ya. She's a very kind soul."

"Kind soul is gonna get her in a lot of trouble."

"Julia is genuine. She wears her heart on her sleeve, Nate. She feels things more than most people. It's a rare but admirable characteristic. She loves hard and hates hard, but she is very forgiving. She gives everyone second chances. It's just the way she is. You, my friend, should be happy about that because you have had your share of second chances with her. She has forgiven you over and over again."

"But this is JEREMY!"

"Doesn't matter. She sees the good in even the worst people. Just like she hopes people will see the good in her. But a lot of people don't. People are judgmental, people make assumptions without ever really getting to know her. People don't give her a chance sometimes."

"Sounds like your describing Trisha..."

"You said it, not me brother." He laughs. Jonah is always spot on with everything.

"What's gonna happen when you're on tour? Will she have a bodyguard with her?" He asks. "I'm sure you are aware by now Julia is not going on tour with you. She made her choice to live at the Avalon full time."

"Yeah, she doesn't know what she wants. I don't know why on earth would she do that. I can't wrap my brain around it." I rub the tension forming on the back of my neck.

"I don't think you want to hear my opinion on why, Nate."

"Well now I really do."

"Seems to me like she knows you will move on. She's making it easier for you to do that now. She became a full time resident so you wouldn't worry about her. Now all your loose ends are tied. Nate, she didn't do it for herself. She did it for you." Jonah stares at me waiting for my reaction.

"What?!" I shake my head.

"James moved on with Trisha. He'll probably go on tour with her for all I know. Everyone is accounted for," Jonah pauses. "Except Julia. She was the only one who didn't have a place. She knows she's not healthy enough to travel, Nate. And she knows your producer isn't going to let you bail. This is Julia's way of making things easy for you. In her mind, she's not worth the stress. So, she takes matters into her own hands. Become an Avalon resident and eliminate herself from us completely."

I feel that fucking lump in my throat. That is exactly what Jules is doing. She's sacrificing herself so everyone else can move on. So I won't worry about her.

"Listen. I'll always be team Nate, but I think your timing is off a little. She needs to work on herself and heal. You need to continue your tour. Maybe in a year when you are done you can work on your relationship without any distractions. Till then, I suggest you go ahead and get that damn vasectomy because I know you too well. And I don't think you want any little Hollans while on a break from Julia."

"A break!? I love her!" Tears begin to form.

"Then you will still love her a year from now." Jonah pats my shoulder.

******

*Julia*

"Here. See if this helps." Jeremy places the weighted blanket over my shaking body.

"Everything hurts." I say again. It's late and detox is hitting me hard. Really hard. Mike is already sleeping. He gets to take Ativan to help with his withdrawals, but I don't get such luxuries. "Maybe I should wean down-"

"Julia. No. that's your addiction talking and you know it. Weaning down just doesn't work for you, remember?" Jeremy reminds me and sits on the chair next to my bed.

"But I'm so cold. And I can't stop shaking." I say to the wall as I curl up under the blankets.

"I know you are. Do you want to take another hot shower?" He asks. I've already taken two today just for the relief but they didn't work. I want a hot bath. I want Nate's hot bath, with Nate holding me. I begin to cry thinking about that.

I'm doing this all alone. My bad attitude kicked Nate out earlier. I bet he was happy to leave though. Anything to get away from dealing with my detox. James never came to visit me today either, which made me even sadder.

"Why are you crying?" Jeremy knows I'm not crying from the physical pain.

"I just am." I let my emotions take over and cry into my arm while facing the wall. I feel Jeremy rub my back but I don't flinch. I know he is just trying to console me. I'm currently not scared.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep. It's almost eleven. Everyone else is sleeping now."

"They don't have ANY bathtubs here? Not one?" I ask. We've already been through this. I know the answer is no.

"I'm afraid not." He responds. "The only places with bathtubs are..." He stops himself from finishing the sentence and exhales sharply.

"Are...where??" I sit up and pull my knees to my chest, shivering.

"No. Sorry. There are no patient bathrooms with bathtubs."

Then it clicks for me. Those apartments have bathtubs. Big ones. It's like Jeremy knows exactly what I'm thinking.

"No. Julia. I can't."

"Please. I just want hot water. No one is in the apartment. And you said after I go through my detox it could be mine anyway." I shrug. "So what if I use the tub."

"You can't. I'd get in so much trouble if someone found out. And you can't be alone in the apartment. So it's not going to work either way."

"So I'll wake up Mike. He can stay with me." I try to come up with solutions.

"No. He's got Ativan in his system. He can't Julia. Michael needs to sleep. And we are so short staffed. I can't pull a nurse. I couldn't anyway. You can't be in the apartment, remember??" He stands up now. "I'm sorry, Julia."

"Please! I'm so cold!" I cry into my knees. "I can't do this. I don't want to do this anymore!" I'm beginning to spiral out and Jeremy can sense it.

"I want to go home. Call Nate. Tell him I want to come home! I don't want to do this alone! I'm always doing this alone!" My tears pick up in pace as I start to feel hopeless. Hopeless and sad and all alone.

"You're not alone. I'm right here with you."

"Yeah. NOT helping me! I need someone that will help me!"

I can't do this. I'm so tired. I'm so cold. I want to throw in the towel. I want to wave my white flag.

"Shh. Julia. You're going to wake up the other patients."

"I don't care!"

"Ok. Jesus Christ." Jeremy is having some kind of internal battle with himself as he paces the small room. "Ok, fine. Shit."

I watch him have a conversation with himself before he talks to me.

"Christ. Fine, ok? But if anyone finds out... Shit. Julia... Let's go." He walks out of the room, and I scramble to my feet to catch up.

As he walks down the hall in silence, his eyes dart around to make sure no one is around. It's a good distance and a lot of turns to get to where I think he is taking me. Then I see the familiar hallway. He's taking me to my apartment. He's letting me take a bath.

I don't even care that he is the one who has to stay. How bad is that?! I'm so desperate to relieve my symptoms I don't care about anything. I hug my body while watching him unlock the door, holding it open for me.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." He shakes his head.

Whatever. He'll get over it.

"Thank you." I mumble and make my way to the bathroom.

It's a big tub. I don't waste any time. I turn the hot water on and sit on the toilet waiting for it to fill. Jeremy stands in the doorway.

"Do you know how much trouble I could get into by doing this for you?" He leans against the door frame and crosses his arms.

"I won't tell anyone. I promise."

"If anyone sees us..."

"I'll tell them I forgot something here and you brought me to get it."

"At eleven at night??" He laughs.

Right. That was kind of dumb.

"Ok, you need to leave the door open though. I will have to check on you so ...um.... I don't know. Put those bath bubbles in or something." Jeremy nods to the complimentary basket on the edge of the tub, filled with all different bath salts and shit. I give him a nod and notice his forehead is beginning to sweat. He's nervous. I'm putting him in a bad spot by doing this. Either that or he is nervous about his own self-control. I will have to make this bath a quick one. It's not fair to Jeremy that I'm putting him in this difficult position.

"I won't take long. I just need the heat." I wave him off to leave and he does.

Once undressed I slide into the hot bath, close my eyes and let out a sigh.

This is the only thing that ever helped Nate through this phase and we would spend hours in the tub refilling it. Once we practically spent the entire day in the soothing hot water.

My muscles finally begin to relax, and the pain subsides. My heart rate slows, and my chills leave my body.

This is all I need. I can get through this stage so long as I have this hot water. The scent of Lavendar fills my nose from the expensive bath suds, and I realize it's been a long time since I've relaxed. It's pretty sad to think I am relaxed knowing the guy who raped me is in the other room.

That's the crazy thing about addiction. About detox. You don't care. All you care about is the relief. Relief from the withdrawals. Relief from the suffering.

I sink into the tub for 45 minutes before Jeremy checks on me.

"I'm coming to check on you." Jeremy announces so I know ahead of time. He is doing anything and everything to stay in his lane and I appreciate that. I slowly open my eyes to see him standing in the doorway, purposely not coming in.

"You ok in here?" He makes sure not to enter. He can't see anything with the bubbles either, but I can't imagine what this scene must be doing to him. I feel bad I'm being selfish and putting him in this position but there was no way I could get rid of my chills without a hot bath.

"Yes, Thanks to you."

"You seriously can't tell anyone." He runs his hand through his hair. "And we'll probably have to go back soon."

"Why? No one checks on the patients overnight."

"Still... I don't want to get caught. You shouldn't even know this apartment exists yet." He answers nervously.

"I don't know this place exists." I give him a sleepy smile and close my eyes. "Just a little while longer." I can almost hear Jeremy swallow hard. "You don't have to come back in. I know this is making you uncomfortable." I say with my eyes closed. I'm really putting us BOTH is a potentially dangerous position right now. Part of me can't believe I'm even doing this. The other part just doesn't care. That's bipolar for you.

I open my eyes, and Jeremy is still leaning against the doorway gazing at me. I'm affecting him too much. It's physically noticed now.

"Ok." I nod with a sigh. "We can go."

Even though I don't want to even the slightest bit. The way Jeremy is breathing a little heavier, the way his body is physically showing me he wants me is my cue to put him out of his misery and head back. This wasn't fair to him.

"Thanks." He lets out a sigh of relief.

We both look around the bathroom in search for a towel.

"Hold on." Jeremy opens a closet and pulls out a towel. It still has a tag on it, so he rips it off and then cautiously walks into the bathroom, handing it to me. "I'm going to turn around now. When you stand up, stand up slowly. If you feel lightheaded let me know right away."

"Ok." I reluctantly stand up even though I want to stay in the warm water forever, and my vision blurs. "Shit."

I'm about to black out. "Oh no."

"Ok. Hold on." Jeremy quickly turns around and catches me as I fall. "Shit. Ok, I've got ya." He grabs the towel, trying to cover me the best he can as the blood slowly rushes back to my head. He carries me to the bed, keeping the towel over me the entire time.

"You really need to start hydrating more." He whispers as he lowers me down to the mattress. I nod, knowing I need to take better care of myself.

The way Jeremy is hovering over me should scare me. But it doesn't. The way he is gazing down at me should frighten me. But it doesn't. The way that there is just inches of space between us should alarm me. But it doesn't.

That's what being bipolar is like. I should be fearing this man. But I'm doing the opposite. I should be remembering how he physically hurt me, but I'm not. I'm seeing a man taking care of me. A man who I once was involved with, attracted to. I see Jeremy for the man he was before he became a monster.

That should scare the fuck out of me.

But it doesn't.

"Thanks." I whisper back. My arms are still wrapped around his neck.

"Julia... I can't be near you." His heart rate picks up in pace.

"I know."

What the hell am I thinking?? I'm so fucking deranged. But I'm not letting go.

"Your eyes are dilated. You don't want this. This is your bipolar."

"I know..."

"Jule, you need to let me go." He pleads, closes his eyes and swallows hard, unable to move.

"I know."

Yet here I am. Wanting to feel. Wanting to numb my detox symptoms.

"Jeremy..."

"No." He drops his forehead down to mine with his eyes closed. "Please. No. I- I can't."

It's like the real me isn't even here. Bipolar Julia is here. Hypersexual Bipolar urges take over.

"This is all part of your bipolar. You're trying to numb your withdrawals. You will always regret the decision after you get your fix. Please, let me go. Find Mike. Find someone else." He wants to do right by me. Yet he's not really pushing me away, is he?

If Nate actually fucking cared and stayed with me through my detox maybe I wouldn't be in this position. It doesn't even matter, though, does it? Pretty soon he'll be gone, and I will still be here. Detoxing. He never really did hang around much for my detox, did he?

"Please. I've been trying so damn hard." His lips brush against mine.

"I just want to escape. Just for a little while." I tick my chin up and my lips meet his. My hands thread through his hair and I pull him in.

Jeremy lets go of the breath he's been holding.

He gives in to his addiction to soothe mine.

I kiss him. A guy who raped me. I kiss him and pull him in. I kiss him and he gives in to everything.

I roll him on top of my body, pressing against him completely. He's breathing more heavily now and my own heart beats double time. Jeremy presses kisses to my jaw and ear and then curses underneath his breath. This is wrong on a thousand levels right now.

Yet, my hands travel down and unbuckle his belt. He nudges his erection against me, and I suck in a breath.

"I can't do this to you." Jeremy's lips say against my neck in between feathery kisses.

I untuck his light-yellow polo shirt and pull it over his head. He has a body like Nate's. Not bulky like James but lean and muscular. I clench my muscles as my hands now work on unbuttoning his khaki pants. I mumble unintelligible words against his lips now and Jeremy knows there is no walking away now. My achiness takes over and I pull down his pants, feeling his hardness against my hand.

"Please." Jeremy begs for me to push him off me.

"Please what?" I whisper near his ear. I pull him out of his boxers, stroking him with my hand before lining him up between my legs.

"Oh God." He groans and thrusts into me. His addiction takes over and he gives in to me completely.

All my detox pain melts away.

His thrusts are slow and measured and when I open my eyes I see a pained look in his. A look like he knows this is so wrong. He's relapsing. His addiction is taking over him. He's drunk and high just like I am.

The euphoric sensation runs through our bodies as his thrusts quicken, welcoming the rush of our addictions.

Like taking another hit, another swig, another pill, and another, and another, harder and faster until I'm at the very edge of insanity. The space between sane and insane gets smaller and smaller until I can no longer see the difference between the two.

"I'm coming." I breathe out, writhing and convulsing through an intense orgasm, making him twitch inside me. I had forgotten how good he felt during consensual sex. James good.

He drops his head down to the crook of my neck and rounds his back, now pounding into me so fast I feel no withdrawal symptoms at all.

Tears leak from the corner of my eyes. It's like I'm evil. Some evil person that deserves to rot in hell.

A brutal, heartless sinner.

A drug dealer.

I wave the addict's addiction right in his face. Why? To feed my own addiction.

Like someone handing me a bottle of Ativan, telling me it's ok to take, I'm lying on this bed, handing Jeremy his addiction. Telling him it's ok to take. Using him to get through my own issues.

That's how fucked up I am.

That's me, Julia Moretti. Not giving a fuck about anything anymore.

*******