Nobody will love James the way I love him. Trisha is just not right for him. She's high maintenance, self- absorbed and in love with Nate. Doesn't anyone see this? 

Trisha would never be content with a simple life. She'd never just sit on the grass in Griffith Park and let the sun beat on her face. She'd never be able to be next to James for hours on end without needing to say a word. Trisha is the complete opposite of James. 

 It was ME who took care of James in every way possible during his Coma. And it was me he wanted to care for him once he was discharged. I was the only one he would let take care of him. Trisha will never have the connection I have with James. She will never know him the way I know him. 

Trisha can have any man she wants. She was head over heels over that fireman, Noah, in London. Why doesn't she just build a relationship with him?

"Julia. Can we please talk about this?" James asks while we sit outside together. Maggie is sniffing some flowers in the Avalon garden while James and I sit on the grass together. 

"What's there to talk about?" I shrug and look directly at the sun. Maybe I'll go blind. Just something else to add to my list of things wrong with me.

"Everything. There's everything to talk about. I miss you. You're my best friend. I hate that you're sad because of me." He nudges me a little, trying to get a smile out of me. "And then to find out you admitted yourself here as a resident?!"

I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to hold in my tears. "Why her?" I pay no attention to the second half of James's concern. Today all I can think about his how he is dating Trisha. I close my eyes and grit my teeth, desperate to hold in my emotion but I feel like I may just explode. "How did it happen? When?" I need to know all the details. Almost like a woman who has been cheated on. I pause and look into his ocean blue eyes. "Are you sleeping with her?"

James looks down and pulls at the grass a little. Well, that answers that.

The lump in my throat becomes excruciatingly painful. I nod but can feel my bottom lip trembling. I can feel my nose stinging and my eyes filling up to the point if I blink, tears will fall.

"Got it." I stand to my feet.

"Babe, c'mon." James grabs my hand and pulls me back down so I'm sitting on the grass in between in legs and his arms wrap around me. Apparently, that's all it took. I drop my forehead on his chest and cry.  I cry like he's breaking my heart. We weren't even together! Yet it feels like my heart is being ripped right out of my chest.

"Aww sweetie. Don't cry." His embrace becomes tighter.

"Why Trisha? You could pick anyone else and I wouldn't have a problem. Anyone else. I want to see you happy. You know that." I sniff and lift my eyes to his.

"It just sorta happened. And I feel bad. Because I know how you feel about her. I know how she makes you feel. Remember, you and me, we tell each other everything." He kisses my cheek. I turn to rest my back into his chest and look out in the distance now. Maggie is content laying in the grass and the yard is quiet.

"She's never going to love you the way I love you. She's going to break your heart."

Right as I say the words it brings me back the very first time James and I were at the Marriot having a similar conversation, though it was James pleading with me to not be with Nate.

******

"If it's not the money, then what? Because every time I see you with him, you're sad. Every time you come through those doors after being with him, you're crying." He pauses. "And I don't ask you why, because it's none of my damn business. I just want to always make sure you are ok and hate to see you so sad like that. I could make you happy. I'd do anything to make you happy."

James pleads his case while still talking calm and keeping his composure. That's the one thing you can count on with James. He is always able to stay so calm.

"I know." I sniff and wipe my eyes.

"You're crying because you know it's true..." James moves over to the couch I'm sitting at. Not a good idea. I have no control lately. I shake my head at him.

"I know." I look down. James takes both of my hands in his.

"So, pick me." He stares into my now, very watery eyes. "Stay with me. Julia, I'll never hurt you. I'll never raise my voice at you. You know that's not me. I'll never make you cry. I can't give you the things he can, but I can give you that."

"I KNOW... God, I know all of this. You're not making this easy for me." I pull my hands away from his touch. Even THAT is too dangerous.

"But you don't know me, James. Yes, you make me feel like-for once- everything will be ok. You make me feel the best version of myself. Like, eventually, I will heal and be happy. But that's not my reality. My reality is so dark and twisted, and I NEVER want you to see that. I don't want to drag you down with me. -

"Nate has seen it. He's been through it. He knows just what to do when I.... God, James, I'm so broken." A single tear breaks free from my eye and rolls down my face. James gently wipes it away from my cheek, his eyes full of sympathy.

"Then I'll fix you."

"You can't fix this." I respond, trying to hold in my crying. "I'm sorry. I wish the timing was different. If I was in a different place, a healthier place...."

"He's going to break your heart." He tucks my hair behind my ears.

"I know." I shocked myself when that came out. Do I really subconsciously believe that?

"I'm always gonna love you."

I can't hold back any more tears because I know he's right. About everything. James pulls me into his chest and holds me while I cry. I'm such a disaster.

*****

*Nate*

After my studio session I have Ren bring me to the Avalon to visit Julia. I see the familiar SUV in the parking lot and walk up to the window.

"Can I ask why you two are here?" 

Casey and Trisha are in one of my cars, the Jeep Grand Cherokee I bought Julia that now sits in the garage since she's been at the Avalon. 

"James wanted to visit Julia." Trisha sighs. 

"So why are YOU here?" I ask, still a bit confused.

"We were running errands. But Julia has been on his mind all day, so he conned us into taking him. I sure as hell am not stepping foot into that place though." Trisha sounds put off that James is concerned about Julia. She realizes they are best friends, right? Just like her and I are. She's acting a little insensitive.  

"You sound mad about having to bring him here, Trish." I glare at her. Casey steers clear of the conversation all together. "You know she's going through a lot, right? She probably feels like she's losing her best friend right now."

"She'll get over it."

"That's a very unattractive quality you have. You know that?" I walk away from the car. Why can't Trisha see how this may make Julia feel. I mean, I'm happy James and Trisha are together. Again, doesn't affect me at all. But Julia was once in love with James. I was never in love with Trisha.  I mean......I love her. Of course I love her. But it's different.

"Actually...." Casey speaks up now. "Nate, do you mind if I join you? I'd like to see Julia too." She looks at Trish nervously. "Sorry. I really want to see her."

"Whatever. I'll wait here by myself then." Trisha crosses her arms. She's acting so immature right now!

"Seriously? You won't come in to see her?" I wait, thinking Trish will exit the car.

"Right now? With all that is going on? She will tear my eyes out. No thanks."

"Well, you could, you know, talk it out with her. Have a real conversation with Julia."

"Again. No thanks."

 I shake my head. "Cmon mini-Julia." 

Once in the Avalon the nurse tells us Julia is out in the garden. We walk through the lobby but before I open the glass doors to the garden both Casey and I stop short.  James is sitting on the grass holding Julia. Comforting her while she cries.

"Oh my gosh.... that's so sweet. And sad!" Casey's eyes water while observing the two of them.

"Are you going to cry???" I look down at mini-Julia.

"Just look at them! They love each other. And he is moving on. With the one person Julia wishes she could be. It's like a love story with a tragic ending!" She sniffs.

"Oh, for chrissakes." I huff and look around the lobby, finding a box of tissues on the end table and handing her the whole damn box.

"Let's not go out there yet." Casey says through her tears. 

"You really are a hopeless romantic, aren't you?" I turn around and sit on the couch. Casey sits next to me while we give James and Julia a few more minutes alone.

"I just saw them together, that's all."

"Gee...thanks?" I raise a brow at the nurse.

"Cmon Nate. She was by his side day in and day out from the moment they got into the car wreck. She took care of him. He loves her. He's just confused right now."

"Hello! still right here. The other guy that loves her!" I wave my hand in Casey's face.

"It's different." She wipes her tears.

"How so?"

"It just is. They were friends first. Best friends. I mean, you saw how they were even when James couldn't speak. Julia just knew what he wanted when he wanted it. They have this connection. One that I can't see James and Trish ever having. Sorry, she's, my friend. I really like her. I just don't see it. The two of them. They are so opposite."

"As opposed to you and the tall black man you are in love with?" I snort and Casey rolls her eyes at me.

"Their personalities, Nate. Not their outward appearance. Trish is.... wellllll." She pauses. "She's more like you. A bit headstrong. Lives a certain lifestyle and being in the limelight doesn't bother her. Julia and James. They are both very simple people who want to live simple lives. They just want to be loved and healthy. They don't need much to be happy. They don't enjoy being the center of attention."

"I liked it better when you were quiet."

*****

*Julia*

James holds me and wipes my tears away. 

"I hate this." He mutters, almost to himself. "I hate that I'm the one making you cry."

"I can't help it, James." I sniff. "We're in Best Friend Mode. I'm going to give you all of me...even if it's because of you that I'm crying. Kinda what best friends do." I pause when James kisses my cheek, and I melt into him. "I just don't want to see you to get hurt."

I keep out the part of.... And I currently hate Trisha and know she's going to break your heart. She's in love with Nate. It's so obvious.

"I just hate that it's her." I shouldn't have said that part either, but I did.

"Babe, I really like her..." He holds me a little tighter after saying that though.

"I'm sure you do. What's not to like? She's the opposite of me."  I croak out.

"Julia...."

"James."

"Stop. I LOVE you. You know this. You chose Nate, remember???"

"Bet she's real good in bed too." I laugh like a fucking crazy lady.

"Oh my God. I can't tell if you're joking or being serious." 

"Maybe a little of both. She is, isn't she? Best friend mode. Now you have to tell me. It's in the rule book." I stare ahead, dreading the answer.

"Rule book, huh?" James chuckles. "All sex feels good. It's sex." 

"You didn't answer my question."

"Julia...." James shifts a little. "Fine. Yes, she's good in bed. But it's different. She's not you. Ok?"

I never should have asked that question. I never should have even touched that topic. I don't know what I was thinking. Now I can't stop thinking about it. The two of them. Together. 

"Stop picturing us having sex. I know that's what you're doing." James can read me like a book, and I shrug. "You will drive yourself crazy."

"Do you see where we are right now???" I turn around to face James and sit on my knees. He frowns when he sees I'm still crying. I've been silently crying this whole time.

"Aww sweetie." He says again and tucks my hair behind my ears.

"Does this mean you're going on tour with them?" My voice cracks and catches James off guard.

"What?! I- I don't know. That's a few weeks away." He stammers but now I can see him thinking. He hadn't thought about tour, had he?

"You know what? It's fine. You should go." I begin to cry harder. "You should experience it all. You'll.... you'll have fun."  I sob and stand up. "Sorry. I can't do this." 

I hightail it back inside, right past Nate and Casey in the lobby and head to my room. I need to shut down. I need to stop thinking about everyone leaving me behind like this. I need...

"I fucking HATE you." I push Jeremy who is standing in the hall looking at someone's chart. I push him right in the chest. "I'm losing everything!" I wail. I don't even know why I hate him right now. He has nothing to do with James and Trisha. But I needed to lash out at someone, and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

"Julia!" 

I storm past Jeremy and go in my room, slamming the door behind me. My adrenaline is high, and I physically pull my bed so it's up against the door.

There.

Much better.

******