*Nate*

"You're wasting your time coming here today, Nate. Julia's detox symptoms are currently consuming her. On top of that she is having a hard time dealing with whatever happened between her and her best friend. She is not very responsive today." Jeremy informs me first thing this morning when I call the Avalon to check on Jules. I lay on my side of the bed staring at the empty space where Julia should be.

I don't have an AA meeting scheduled for this afternoon. Actually, today is the first day since I've returned home that I don't have ANY plans. But I can't just leave Julia there to detox by herself. She was always right by my side during mine. Jeremy must have sensed my hesitation over the phone.

"I can keep you posted throughout the day if you'd like. If I need help with anything I could let you know to pop in to be with her. Right now, she's sleeping after being up all night. We're going to let her sleep and put breakfast aside for her for when she's ready. But as you know, the last thing she'll want to do is consume food if she is nauseous so I'm not going to push anything today. We have an IV ready if need be."

Can I even trust Donovan with what he's saying? What if he has Julia locked up somewhere in that apartment of his doping her up or something?!  No. I can't drive myself crazy with those thoughts. Either way I'm stopping by the Avalon today at some point. When Paul is back from the Marriott, I'm going to have him stay with Julia right to the last second of visitation hours. I have no way of getting ahold of Mike Maloney but pray he is watching over Julia as well.

"Fine." I mutter through a yawn. "Keep me posted." I hang up the phone and bury my head in my pillow. Maybe I will just sleep the entire day away. Do absolutely nothing. While I'm thinking that, I roll out of bed to make myself a cup of tea to bring back with me. 

I groggily head down the hall to the kitchen. The place is quiet. Everyone is still sleeping. So I thought. I squint my eyes when I see James's bedroom door slowly open. Trisha slips out without so much as a glance my way, then turns around and pulls James in for a kiss. She's wearing a long t-shirt of his and his hands gravitate to her ass, pushing her into him more.

They slept together.

This is going to absolutely tear Julia to pieces. Of all people for Gallo to hook up with....

"Knock it off you two." I make them both jump and break the make-out session. James shrugs and closes his door to go back to bed, but Trisha looks a bit like a deer in headlights right now. Or a teen who just got caught by her parent. Not that I would know what that looks like. I didn't have parents as a teen, did I?

"Want me to make you breakfast?" She tries to be casual as she walks through the apartment to the kitchen eyeing me while I wait for my tea.

"I want you to not be doing that. Not here. C'mon Trish... this is going to kill Julia when she comes back home." I cross my arms over my bare chest and furrow my brows.

"Comes back home.... Nate.... She's not coming back home, remember?" Trisha blurts out and then immediately regrets it. "I mean, I don't mean it like that. Well... I do... but-" She tries to soften the blow by lifting her hand to tuck my hair away from my forehead in a caring manner, but I swat her away.

"Get out of my face." I retort and forget about my tea. I storm back to my bedroom and close the door behind me before flopping back into bed. I can't believe she just said that. Julia's going to come home. She made a mistake signing that contract to be a resident. She already said that to me. She just needs to get through her detox and come outta there with a clearer head, that's all.

Then she'll come back home to me. Go on tour with me. Marry me.

I frown and shove my face into my pillow again knowing none of those things are going to happen.

******

*Julia*

I wake up in a cold sweat and gasp for air. I had awful nightmare. But it started off so good. It was a memory of the day I took James food shopping for the first time after his coma. How excited he was! The day we made love, and I saw my forever with him.

****

I watch James walk through each section, and for some reason, I feel emotional. Things normal people take for granted, he finds pleasure in. This would be a chore in anyone else's eyes but not James. He enjoys this. At one point, he looks down at me and fumbles to hold my hand. Once he grasps it, he puts my hand to his lips and kisses it. Then he leans down and kisses my lips. Just once.

This is what it would be like if my "Forever" was with James, wouldn't it? It's like a vicious cycle of confusion in my head. Because, like always, when I'm with Nate, I'm so in love with him. When I'm with James, I'm so in love with him.

Nate takes care of me. I take care of James.

I'm well aware of my addiction to both of them. I'm well aware that the only way I will ever get over James is if I'm not with him. I can't NOT be with him, though. This would all be so much easier if James was involved with someone else. Maybe then I can move on. He can move on. We can both be happy.

While thinking that I also get a pit in my stomach because I'm selfish and want James all to myself. When I think of someone sharing their life with him, I feel nauseous. 

*****

 I sit up in my bed and begin to cry just thinking about that. Because it's not easier knowing James has moved on. Then I remembered the rest of that dream. When I saw Jeremy out in the grocery store parking lot.

*****

 I drop the keys and quickly pick them back up. My hands shake. We spend what feels like forever in a staring contest before I finally get in the SUV and put my seatbelt on, all while my eyes are glued to him.

I need out of this city is what I need. I need to never see his face again. Because every time I do, I feel the floor below me drop just like my stomach. I feel the world tilt me off balance. I feel fear. I feel confusion. Because this was once a man who was taking my health seriously, and I was seeing a difference in my moods. This was a man who was invested in figuring out my complex diagnosis. Trained in exactly what I have.

This is also the man who threatened my future. Raped me. Broke me.

"It's over. I really could have helped you, Julia. I hope you do find someone who can help you the way you need." He turns to leave it at that.

"What do you mean, it's over??"

I watch Jeremy turn around and lean against my car casually.

"Nate didn't tell you... Julia, I'm sorry things didn't work out in your favor, Ok? I know what I did was wrong. I'm getting the help I need. I hope you do too." He can tell I have no idea what he is talking about, so he continues. "My lawyer is friends with Nate's lawyer. He advised you to drop the charges."

"WHAT?!" I hold on to the steering wheel so tight my knuckles are white.

"You're not well." He reaches in and rests his hand on my cheek. I'm too shocked and frozen to flinch or back away. I stare at him in disbelief.

"It's over, Julia. I have too much on you, and you know it. Just.... find a good therapist. That's all I wish for you. Get yourself healthy." He removes his hand off my cheek.

And just like that, I watch him walk away. 

******

Bile burns my throat as I sob into my hands. I've been letting Jeremy take care of me lately.  I lost my way and let my guard down. This is the man who hurt me, abused me, manipulated me then threatened me to keep my mouth shut!

 Memories, fear and then nausea flood my body. I bolt out of my bed to run to the bathroom but after being sick through the night I am very dehydrated. Before I make it out of my room my vision turns black, and I feel myself falling. And before I feel myself hit the floor and pass out completely, I feel an excruciating stab of pain when the side of my head hits the corner of the counter.

******

When I wake up, the stabbing pain is now a nagging throb.

"You really are a mess."

I turn slightly through the pain to see Mike sitting next to me. I'm back in my room with an awful headache.

"What happened?" I whisper and wince from the pain.

"I think you passed out. But you whacked your head on the side of that counter right there." Mike points to the countertop near at the door. "No stitches though. He used a butterfly bandage so you're good to go."

"He?"

"Jeremy. He patched you up and told me to stay here with you for when you wake up."

"You don't have to stay here. I'm fine." I sit up a little and feel my left temple that now has a bandage over it.

"I have nothing better to do." He huffs and hugs himself to try to stop his shaking. "What I don't get is any other patient they would have called to have them transported to the nearest hospital to get checked. Not Donovan. He took care of you himself." Mike tucks his hair behind his ears and leans in a little. "He really has a thing for you."

"I've been too trusting. I had a dream last night. Well, it was more of some PTSD nightmare." I can tell Mike has no idea what that is, so I explain to him before continuing. Once he understands, I go on with my story. 

"It was when Jeremy came up to me and told me I needed to drop the charges. That his lawyer was friends with Nate's and there was pretty much no way he was getting convicted of anything. I didn't forget about all of this stuff; I just shoved the bad parts in the way back of my head. I do that sometimes.  But lately I've been letting that asshole take care of me. I shouldn't even be giving him the time of day! He put me through hell."

"What are your options, though? I hate to say it, but he's the only one who knows how to take care of you. Aside from that, he's the only one who gives you the time of day.  He takes better care of you over any other patient here."

"And I HATE that!! Everyone should be well taken care of here. It's not fair to them. This place isn't cheap." I inhale and close my eyes.

"Well, just use him. Take advantage of him until you get better. But never let your guard down. NEVER trust him. Who knows, maybe he's getting help for his... issues. Either way. Watch your back at all times."

Jeremy comes into the room, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach now after that dream. I throw daggers for eyes at him, and he gives me a confused look.

"How's your head?" He comes closer.

"You know," I draw out my words. "I had an awful dream last night. But it wasn't a dream." I furrow my brows, clearly pissed off. "It was when you came to my car in the grocery store parking lot."

The color drains from Jeremy's face now. I shouldn't even be discussing this, but I can't get it out of my head now.

"Michael, can you wait outside please?" Jeremy ticks his head towards the exit and Mike looks at me first for consent. I nod and he leaves but keeps the door open. Jeremy takes his chair and leans in real close to talk softly. "Julia..."

"No. You threatened me!" I hiss. "So many times, you held my mental illness over my head and got away with RAPE! I don't know why I let my guard down with you lately. You shouldn't even be near me, never mind taking care of me."

"I thought we were over this..."

"Over this? OVER THIS?!! How the hell do I get over this?  Now I'm fucking dreaming about it?" I begin to cry. "All the things you did to me. How you threatened me at Griffith Park! How you-"

"Julia! Shh! You can't be talking about this shit." He stops me short. "The charges were dropped. Remember?" 

"I didn't have a choice! Now I'm just supposed to forgive and forget and trust you? God, what the hell is wrong with me?!"

"You CAN trust me. I made a mistake, ok?"

"TWICE?! Bullshit Jeremy!" I raise my voice. "You know what the best part is? I don't even have anyone I can talk to about it. YOU would have been the person I'd confide in. You know, my therapist? Now, not only do I have to live with all these memories, I can't even heal or move on because I don't have the help I need. I can't talk to YOU about what YOU did to me." I'm wailing now. "I never got the help I needed!"

Jeremy's eyes sadden, dare I say even look watery. "I never meant to hurt you. I lost control. Julia, if I could take it all back I would. I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for all the awful things I've done to you." He whispers. "Just... just know I'm getting the help I need, ok?"

"How am I ever going to believe you?" I shove my palms into my eyes rubbing away my tears.

"Let me prove it to you. Let me prove you can trust me now. All I want to do is make sure you are well cared for, healthy. That person......that was a different person. I can't explain it but you have to believe me." He pleads his case. 

"You know I can help you get better." He pauses. "Can I show you something?" 

He stands up now and takes my hand to pull me out of bed. I glare at him with hate but also with confusion. He holds on to my elbow to guide me in case I get lightheaded and walks me down the empty all. Everyone is in morning session right now, including Mike.

"Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see." Jeremy states.

 He walks past his own apartment and turns a corner down a hall I've never been down before.  It's a dead end. With only one door. I begin to get nervous, wondering if he is going to do something to me now. It would be the perfect moment. No one is around. I begin plotting out how I'd fight him off in my head. My hands tremble harder and it's not from my detox.

We continue walking down to that one door. I look behind me to see if maybe I can get a nurse's attention or something and while doing so, don't notice Jeremy unlocking the door.

"Go ahead. Check it out." He holds the door open for me. 

"No." I shake my head, now terrified of being alone with him.

"I'll stand by the door and keep it open." Jeremy caught on quick and drops his shoulders. "Go ahead, talk a look around."

I swallow hard and stupid me, walks into the room. I look around with wide eyes.

"What.... what is this??" I stand in the middle of a similar looking apartment to Jeremy's. But a little bigger and brighter. It is fully furnished but you can tell no one lives here. I feel like I'm in some kind of twilight zone. This does not look like any room of the Avalon. It looks like a real apartment. A real nice, modern apartment, with sliders that go out to a pretty little backyard. I walk around the main living area thoroughly confused.

"Julia, you could live here. This could be your apartment. Look. Open that door." He points to the right and I walk over to another door and open it. It leads to an empty parking lot. "A separate entrance so you don't have to go through the Avalon to get to your apartment."

"What is going on here?" I lean against the beautiful granite countertop and hold my head. I must have a concussion. I don't understand any of this.

"There are three more vacant ones if you don't like the location of this one."

"I don't understand."

"Julia... You could get the help you need. 24/7 care you require being Bipolar. You could have your own apartment. And when you feel like you are spiraling out of control, all the resources are right here for you. Therapy, medications, group sessions. It's all in one place. You could have your own space. You could still live a normal life, run errands, have a place to call home." He studies my face for a moment. "And still get the care and medical treatment you need along the way. Being Bipolar is something that will always need to be monitored. This is one way it could work for you."

"Wait." I stand up straighter and look around. "You mean live here? Instead of in my room down the hall?" I walk around and explore more while he stands by the door, still holding it open so I don't feel trapped. I walk down a short hallway and peek into what looks like a fully furnished master bedroom. It's beautiful. There's so many windows and bright natural light beaming in.  The bathroom is very modern and upscale with a separate tub and glass stand up shower. I turn around and walk out of the hall and back to Jeremy. If it weren't for him holding that door open to the Avalon Hall, I'd forget we were even in a group home. This kind of apartment is the kind I could never afford back home.

"Julia. I'm getting the help I need. Right here in this facility. I have faith that you are going to heal and get better as well. In the right environment. Not back there with all the patients. You could live here instead."

"What do you mean you're getting the help you need here?"

"May I?" Jeremy is asking if it's ok to stop holding the door open and sit down to explain something to me. I nod with hesitation. I sit on the leather love seat and watch him sit on the matching one across from me, giving me my space.

"Listen. Everyone has something, right? And I am NOT excusing the things I've done by any means. You have your diagnosis. Well..." Jeremy runs his fingers through his hair nervously like whatever he is about to tell me is hard to do so. He takes his glasses off and pinches tension at the bridge of his nose. "I can't believe I'm telling you this."

The man looks so distraught right now I wonder if he maybe shouldn't be telling me whatever this is. But I patiently wait in silence.

"You know how you have multiple things all wrapped up in one? The Bipolar, eating disorder, depression, anxiety... well I'm kind of the same way. But with different disorders. I have what's called  Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Dissociative identity disorder.  Both have their own set of symptoms but when combined... it's not pretty, ok? I'm getting the help I need. I'm on the right meds and treatment path. I wasn't back then. I would NEVER have done those things to you! You have to believe me. I wasn't taking my meds all the time, I was in the middle of a nasty divorce and not going to therapy like I should have. Again, none of this excuses what was done."

My eyes are wide and I'm clearly in shock, but I continue to let him ramble on.

"One condition is from a history of trauma. My father is an awful human. I developed this disorder as a teenager. The other one...just a few years ago. If not treated it can severely impact a person's life. Like when you have your manic episodes and tear through a room, how you can't control it. Antisocial Personality Disorder is a condition that causes harmful behavior.  You become impulsive without thinking of the consequences, aggression, disregard for safety of myself or others. Dissociative identity disorder is like having multiple personalities. Which no, I don't have multiple people living in my body or hear voices. But my moods change quickly. I turn into something different. Someone different. I regret it after. I always regret it after. The talk therapy, diet and medications I'm on help me a great deal, but like Bipolar, I will always have these conditions."  He takes his glasses off again and drags his hands down his face. "I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm not asking for forgiveness either. I know you can't forgive me. I just wanted to let you know why.... why I did what I did. And how much I regret it. Every single fucking day."  He closes his eyes and shakes his head. "It wasn't me. It was the monster in me."

Well, this explains a LOT.

I sit here and stare at him speechless. I don't want to feel bad for this man. I'm supposed to HATE him. But how would I feel if people hated me just because I have bipolar disorder? I hit and scream, throw things and tear apart other people's homes during my manic episodes. I'm a monster too.

"Say something." Jeremy looks like he may just burst into tears after sharing this with me. "Please say something."

"I- I'm not sure what to say."  I look away and almost a full minute goes by before Jeremy breaks the silence.

"Fair enough." He stands up and wipes his palms on his thighs like he has been sweating nervously while talking. "Anyway, think about it. It could be life changing for you. Again, I just want to see you get better. That's all this is." He says, purposely keeping his distance from me.

"Jeremy. I have no money. I can't ask Nate for more. He's already paying so much for me to stay here."

"Nothing would change financially. I want to see you happy. You know you can't live on your own. You will never be able to."

I frown at that reality. Jeremy is right. I may never be able to live on my own. Nate will be traveling the world soon enough and we all know I can't go with him. What are my options? Stay in that rinky dink room down the hall or have my own apartment?

But what about James??

Unless....

A sick feeling overcomes me. What if James goes with Trisha? I'll be left behind. All the people I trust will be gone. I'm all alone in this, aren't I?

I'm all alone.

*****

*Nate*

The curtains are ripped open, and I groan and cover my eyes like a vampire.

"Ok, it's almost noon. You've slept in long enough."

"Jesus, Trish." I hurl a pillow at her and roll over. "Why don't you go make out with James or something."

I feel Trisha sit on the corner of my bed with a sigh.

"Does it really bother you that much?"

"I could give two shits." I sit up and scratch the back of my head. "I think it's great you are with James. I'm all for it. I just worry about Julia right now. The timing is way off. She's having a hard time with this. And you don't make her feel good about herself as it is."

"ME? What have I ever done to her?!"

"C'mon Trish, we've had this talk before." I know she knows exactly what I'm talking about too. Trisha has a way with making Julia feel less than. She doesn't even have to do or say anything, it's just the way she is.

"Whatever, Playboy. So, are you going to just stay in bed all day or what?"

"No. I may go to the studio for a little bit. Then head to the Avalon."

"You don't have an AA meeting today, remember?" She cocks her head to the side, playing games with me.

"To check on Julia." I narrow my eyes at her. "You know. My fiancé?"

"Oh God, here we go. Nate... you really still think you're going to marry her? Bring her on tour? You've tried that. It didn't work. You need to let her detox and pull herself together. Give her space."

I love Trisha, really, I do. But sometimes she can be such a bitch. I know she doesn't mean to and is just being candid with me since it's just the two of us in the room. And she SHOULD be able to let her guard down when she's around me. That's the way it's always been. But for once, just once I'd love for her shut the hell up.

"You make me want to drink sometimes, you know that?" I throw the covers off me and get out of bed.

"Why? For telling you like it is? Julia can NOT come on tour with us. She was too much of a distraction and couldn't handle that lifestyle. Why would you put her through that again?"

"You know...because I want to BE WITH HER maybe?! Christ, Trisha. Have you EVER been in love before?!"

Trisha frowns and looks away. I said the wrong thing. Of course she's been in love before. Then he abused her.

"Sorry. I'm sorry." I see the devastation on her face and take a deep breath before walking over to her and bringing her in for a hug. "Sorry, doll."

"Maybe I will bring James on tour and fall in love with him." She mumbles into my chest. I back away quickly and stare at her wide eyed.

"Trish.... you can't take James away from Julia like that." My stomach turns just thinking Trisha has this idea in her head.

"Julia is at the Avalon. You said it yourself. She signed the forms to be a permanent resistant there."

"WHAT?!!" James is standing in the doorway.

******