*Nate*

I walk into the apartment completely drained, heartbroken and defeated. Paul gives me a funny look.

"Is Evan with Julia?" He asks from the couch, now wondering who is with Julia since him and Jonah and James are all here and I just walked in.

"No." I say nothing more, walk to my room and slam the door behind me.

Then I lose my shit.

Like really lose my shit. Jonah is in my room within seconds once he hears me throwing shit around.

"Nate. Talk." 

"She can't do this! Jonah, she's not in the right frame of mind! She can't make big decisions like that!" I cry out and throw my arms up in the air. I stop pacing and fall into the chair near the window and bury my face in my hands. "She can't do this!"

I realize Jonah has no fucking clue what I'm talking about and begin to ramble. He sits down in the chair, almost as if he can't believe what he's hearing when I tell him everything. Like he is in shock. His jaw drops and the nurse is now speechless.

"S-so... she signed the forms? She admitted herself??" Jonah's shoulders drop. He now knows this is out of our hands.

"What the hell can I do now? Plead insanity for her? In a fucking Mental hospital?!"

"Shit..." The nurse turns and looks out the window. "Nothing. I guess you could stop paying the Avalon in hopes they will release her, but she would get sent to another facility. Full time. Places like West Hills Hospital. She wouldn't do well with that."

"No. We can't do that. I'll pay for her to get the best care possibly no matter what. I just hate the fact she did this on a whim...knowing Jeremy lives there, and now she doesn't have access to a bodyguard. It takes weeks to file all the paperwork and get approved."

My only other option is to pay someone on the inside.

Mike Maloney.

*******

*Julia*

"You're insane." Mike stares at me wide eyed in the cafeteria after finding out I admitted myself to become a resident here. "Even I'm not that crazy."

I look down and pick at my food, more of playing with it and moving it around in hopes Jeremy thinks I've eaten enough. My eyes are so puffy from crying I can only imagine how unattractive I look right now.

"Aaannd you went into the doctor's apartment and started trashing it?" Mike continues rambling but then sudden stops midbite. "Oh no."

I watch him leap out of his chair and just barely make it to the garbage can before he throws up his entire meal. I wonder how many times that poor garbage can has needed to get cleaned a day here.

A nurse notices Mike but does nothing. Just stands in the doorway.

"Don't worry Lorraine. I got it." I give her a dirty look and head to Mike to help him. I hold his hair back away from his face in a ponytail as he continues to vomit into the garbage. Once he is done, he slides down to the floor feeling pretty wiped out.

"C'mon. I'll help you." I tuck his hair behind his ear and take his arm, helping him back up and to our table. I get it we are short staffed because of a bug going around but Lorraine just stared at Mike. How can people be so cold?

Once Mike is back in his seat, I cross my arms on the table and rest my head on them, feeling the pounding detox headache.

"We're quite the pair, huh." He laughs.

Now that I am back to myself again and my manic episode has passed, the fear fills my body when Jeremy enters the room. Why is it I'm not afraid of him when I'm going crazy? Do I think I'm invincible or something?

My hands tremble and it's noticed by Mike as Jeremy sits down next to me. I stare across the table at Mike as the fear envelopes me like always.

"We're back to this again?" Jeremy notices me tense up. He leans in close to my ear and Mike's jaw twitches as he keeps an eye on the doctor. "I'm only here to check on you. You're ok. You need to get over this though." He straightens up and talks casually now. "You weren't like this an hour ago when you were tearing apart my books. But I get it. When you're in the middle of an episode you become fearless. Your adrenaline kicks in and it's like you have crazy superhuman powers. Our goal is to keep you safe when you get like that." He explains. I hate that he is always right. Though I didn't feel like reorganizing my bookshelf today, that much I can tell you."

"Why the hell do you live in one of the apartments here?" Mike enters the conversation.

"I sold my house. I'm never there anyway." Jeremy looks down at my food and begins writing in my chart. "A solid two bites. Wonderful." He oozes sarcasm.

"So, you CHOOSE to live in a mental facility??" Mike scoffs.

"The people here are no different than me or anyone else. You know that, right Michael? Their disorders, their diseases are no different than anyone else suffering. They don't ask to have an addiction problem or be bipolar just like no one asks for diabetes or cancer. You need to stop looking down on other people because of their illness. Living here is no different than living in an apartment building. The residents here have just been officially diagnosed and want to heal. That's all."

The way Jeremy says what he says is, I hate to say it...heartwarming? Because I don't usually feel different than anyone else. I don't feel different from Nate or Casey or anyone. Maybe Trisha because she thinks she's better than everyone. But it's not until my illness kicks in do I feel crazy.

Mike doesn't respond. Well, he does. But not the way Jeremy was hoping.

"Shit." He leaps up again and we're back to the garbage can holding his hair from his face. This time, with Jeremy helping. I notice he is probably one of the few who DOES help Mike sometimes. Like when he gave him the weighted blanket for his bed.

So why the hell does Jeremy have this awful violent streak to him? Where he goes off and rapes you? If he really cares about people, he would NEVER do something like that. Again, it's like he is two different people, because right now, he's caring for Mike. Mike the felon no one wants to deal with.

Right now, Jeremy is being a good doctor.

"Ok. You know what guys? Julia, help him get him to his room. I'll get you another meal later, Michael. I'm going to go order you some Zofran. It's an anti-nausea medication. It will help but after you WILL need to eat. You've lost a good amount of weight."

And just like that, Jeremy disappears. I help Mike to his room, grab his toiletries bag and walk him to the bathroom to brush his teeth. I sit him on the closed toilet seat, and he leans the side of the head against the wall. He's so weak right now. I wet his face cloth and wash his face for him. Then brush his hair back and put it into a man bun, making him laugh at that.

"You're good at taking care of people, you know that?" The voice behind me says.

I spin around to see Jeremy in the doorway holding a tiny plastic cup with two pills and a bottle of water. He hands it to me, knowing there is no room in this bathroom for three people. I hand it to Mike, and he gratefully takes the medication in hopes for relief. Donovan even lets me sit in Mike's room to keep him company and I'm not sure if it's him trying to be nice or the fact they are so short staffed, no one has time to clean up someone's puke if Mike gets sick all over the place while being alone.

"Door stays open." He raises a brow at me and walks out of Mike's room.

"That guy have split personality or something??" Mike asks. He crawls under the covers and lies in bed with the chills.

*Nate*

"Julia, you can still back down. You still have choices. You can say that you were in the middle of a fit of rage and you weren't thinking straight." Jonah tries to get through to Jules, but she isn't having it. Especially first thing in the morning like this.

I'm already worked up and pacing her bedroom and she just lays there, staring at the fucking ceiling.

"You weren't thinking clearly, Jules. Jesus Christ, James just moved back in for you to help take care of him... thinking you'd eventually come home. Now what is he going to do? What's going to happen to James?!" I play my cards right and Julia sits up in bed with wide eyes. 

"What?!"

"Fucking think of other people, Julia." I say sharply. I'm furious. Not with her. Well, yes. With her. With everything. With the decisions she's making.

"Why did James move back in?"

"Because his sisters can't take care of him! Not the way you do! Don't you see? James needs YOU. And now you're fucking giving up on him!" To be honest, I am purposely being overdramatic... James can figure his shit out, but playing this card in my hand is getting Julia to think outside the box. Outside of The Avalon.

But I went too far. 

Julia looks up at me like a broken child with tear filled eyes and her bottom lip quivers. She had no idea James moved back in. We were so consumed with everything here it just slipped my mind. And now she feels hopeless.

"Julia, how are you feeling?" A nurse comes in with a clipboard, interrupting us. "Any side effects from the new medication?" 

Jonah quickly perks up and furrows his brows, looking over the nurse's shoulder to the clipboard.

"You started her on antipsychotics?? It's eight in the morning. She's gonna be a zombie all day."

"Sir?" The nurse turns and glares at Jonah, pulling the clipboard to her chest. He's overstepping. "Per orders by Doctor Donovan. She had a psychotic episode yesterday."

Right. That's the name of it. I forgot to mention that to Jonah when I was busy having my own tantrum in my bedroom last night.

"A psychotic episode...? Nate, you didn't-"

"Obviously I forgot what the name was. One of her manic episodes. You've seen them ... "

"Yeah, but these meds.... I mean... Are you sure Dr. Donovan wants her on these? They're strong medic-"

"Sir... if you have any questions, I suggest you make an appointment to speak with the doctor. I'm just the nurse." She says like Jonah is stepping on her toes now and leaves the room.

We both turn to look at Julia who is now curled up in bed already beginning to zone out. They gave her the meds before we got here this morning and now they are kicking in. She has this glazed look to her eyes and no expression on her face even though a minute ago she was crying when she heard about James.

"Shit." Jonah drags his hands down his face and sits down on the chair in defeat. "This shit is strong. They are doping her up. She's tiny to begin with and going through withdrawals. AND Bipolar. Of course she's going to have episodes. But Nate, this shit.... damn it. You might as well be talking to a brick wall for the rest of the day because this is what you're going to see for the next 12 hours."

I squint my eyes at him. "What?!"

"They are great for patients with Schizophrenia and yes.... bipolar too. But Nate, they turn you into a zombie. She'll be walking around feeling absolutely nothing for the rest of the day now. If you can even get her out of bed, that is. They are going to have to monitor her just to make sure she goes to the bathroom enough. Never mind eating which she already struggles with. This is NOT the route I would have taken with her."

I frown and sit on the bed. I look down at the zoned-out woman and brush her hair away from her face. Her eyes are open but show no signs of life. The dose was way too much for her. I can see that already.

"Jules.... what have you done?" I whisper and kiss her cheek. "What did you sign yourself up for?"

"Don't bother. She probably can't even hear you. Or feel you. Might as well go home for the day.  This is all you're going to get out of her now."

"Seriously??" I swallow hard. "Where the hell is Donovan..."

*******

*Julia*

"Is she ok??" 

I can hear and feel and see when I'm awake, but my body seems too heavy to move. So, I just lay here, blinking every few seconds while staring off into space. Mike is holding me in his arms and sounds concerned. I see the light flash past my eyes as Jeremy checks my vitals. Mike is the only one with him. Nate gave up and left when I was sleeping. If that's what you want to call this. In and out of consciousness is more like it.

A nurse walks in, and I can tell Jeremy is not pleased with her.

"Lorraine, you only gave one 1/3 a dose this morning, correct?" 

"One third? It says here in her chart to.... oh..." The nurse looks up at the doctor and back down at the paper, knowing she made a huge mistake. "I didn't see the third part. I gave her one dose, not one third of a dose." She says softly and her voice quivers.

"You gave her a FULL dose of the antipsychotic?? Loraine, please tell me that is NOT what you did this morning?"

"I'm... I'm so sorry doctor. I thought it said 1 dose. I didn't see the 1/3. I've never seen such a small dose administered. Not here."

"LOOK AT HER WEIGHT!" Donovan grabs the chart away from the nurse who is now in tears. "She weighs a hundred and two pounds for God's sake, Lorraine! Get out."

"Doctor, I'm so-"

"GET OUT!" Jeremy snaps. "Get another nurse in here to give her IV fluids. Loraine, I'm writing you up."

Jeremy storms out of the room while Mike is still holding me, trying to get me to respond. So THAT is why I feel the way I feel. Friggen Loraine decided to overdose me. Honest mistake but imagine if it's something that does damage to me? I laugh in my head. If only I were so lucky.

"I have a feeling Loraine won't be your nurse again..." Mike chuckles and talks to me even though I can't respond. "Though I think that doctor was a little hard on her. I mean.... IV fluids will flush your system out. You'll be fine. He's very overprotective of you. Creepy, huh?" Mike brushes my hair from my face. 

Creepy. Yeah, that's what you can call it. Among other things.

"I'm gonna stay here with you until you get out of this funk, ok? I don't trust that guy... Especially when you can't even move or fight him off. I'm a good bodyguard. Paul and I trained together." Mike begins to ramble, and I wonder if he thinks I'm either asleep or can't comprehend him. 

"You know, I wasn't always like this. Obviously. I'm sure you weren't always a mess." Mike lays me down and I close my eyes for a second, feeling the sedating effects but still listening to him. 

Mike looks down at his arm and scratches it. The scars will always stay with him, just like all mine will stay with me. The not so friendly reminders of the mistakes we've made.

"I even had a girlfriend. Was going to marry her. Had all the money in the world working for people like Hollan. I was going to buy Katelyn a huge house and fill it with kids. She was always saying how she wanted a lot of kids."

I listen to Mike vent to me for a while about life. His life. But then he stops talking the minute a nurse comes in and administers the IV into my already bruised hand.

*****

*Nate*

Trisha turns and looks at me while making pancakes, wondering why I am back already.

"Did you forget something?"

I scan the room to make sure James isn't here. I haven't told him what Julia did yet. I can't bring myself to do it. Julia may have to be the one to break the news. 

Trisha tilts her head to the side eyeing me and Jonah.

"I haven't told James yet." I whisper. 

"Got it. But why are you here?? I thought you guys were going to see Julia?"

"Fill her in." I tell Jonah and head to my bedroom. I close my curtains, kick off my shoes and fall into bed, having my own shut down moment. Julia should be right here next to me, on her side of the bed. We should be married and happily traveling the world together. But Julia is her own worst enemy. Her disorder wins every time. There's no saving Julia. Not from herself. And now she's a fucking vegetable in a bed at the Avalon. 

Is this what the rest of her life will look like? Half comatosed? 

There's a knock on the door. It's either Jonah about to talk me off the ledge or Trisha to rip open my blinds and get me out of bed.

Neither. It's Paul. He comes in looking like he just woke up and sits on the recliner.

"Heard what happened." The bodyguard scratches the side of his head and yawns.

"K." I say rudely and cover my face with my arm which reminds me of what James always did when he was sad or mad but couldn't speak. Paul doesn't know what to say to that, so he leans forward and drops his head in his hands.

 I sometimes forget how much Paul cares for Julia. Right from the start she gave him shit and he always dealt with it accordingly. He always protected Julia and took care of her. Months of being with her. Seeing all her ups and downs. Physically taking care of her like when she fucked up my bathroom. Carrying her home from the bar when she gets plastered. Paul witnessed things. Traumatic things like walking in to see her being raped.  Paul has been with Julia right from the start. Of course this is going to affect him.

"There's gotta be something we can do." I mumble from under my arm.

"Until we figure it out, Julia is there with no protection. No bodyguard. And from the sounds of it, she's half knocked out." He answers. 

Shit. I know where Paul is going with this. What if Jeremy takes advantage of Julia? I need to go back. I need to stay with her and protect her, at least during visiting hours, though they should let me stay longer. I think the only reason they followed the rules last night was because the Director of The Avalon was in the room.

I leap out of bed and put my shoes back on.

"We need to be there for her, so he doesn't do anything." I have no idea if Paul knows what I'm talking about since the first half of that thought was in my head. But he nods and gets up right away, following me.

"I'm going back." I grab my keys then pause when everyone gives me a look.

Right. My DUI suspended my license. I hand my keys to Paul with a sigh. My brain is all over the place, and I had forgotten for a moment.  This also reminds me of my own AA meeting at the Avalon this afternoon.

"You don't want to just wait until your own meeting later?" Trisha asks, already knowing my schedule by heart.

"I'm going to just stay. I'll eat there. Paul, you don't have to stay obviously.  I can call Ren for rides."

Paul mumbles something incoherent while quickly getting his shoes on...still barely awake.

*****

I check in to the Avalon with Paul as my bodyguard thanks to being a part time patient here myself... and me being...well me. But Julia doesn't get this option being a resident. Not unless Paul jumps through hoops filing for the job.

"I need to talk to Maloney first." I announce turn to Paul. "If you can't watch over her now, Mike can."

"He'll watch over her all right." Paul grunts. I hate that. I hate even thinking of Julia having sex with anyone else. Bad enough she was bouncing between me and James but Mike Maloney? He's a good-looking guy and all but is Julia so unhinged she's going to sleep with every goodlooking guy she meets?

 I guess so.

"Nurse Amy will take care of you now, Julia." Donovan walks out of her room. She's awake? An hour ago, she was a vegetable. I decide to forfeit the talk with Mike first and head to Julia's room. Donovan catches me to update me first.

"I just want to let you know what happened will NEVER happen again." Jeremy wipes his eyeglasses with a cloth while explaining this morning's mistake. A very serious mistake but still... an honest mistake. "Lorraine is no longer employed here."

"Wait. You fired her?? Has she been making mistakes like this a lot?"

"No. First offense. She's been here four years though. She knows better." Jeremy puts his glasses back on acting like what he just did is no big deal.

"Donovan. You fired a nurse who has been here for 4 years after one mistake?"

 What the...

Then it hits me. Because it was Julia. Lorraine would never have gotten shafted if she made this mistake with anyone else. Written up- sure. But fired on the spot like that? No. But because she made her first mistake on the woman Jeremy is obsessed with, she got canned. Wow. I don't know whether I should feel threatened by that or grateful that he will do whatever it takes to make sure Julia stays safe. From other people at least. I don't know what to think right now. I let it go and Jeremy continues the update.

"So I'm flushing her system out with IV fluids. She could use them anyway, and she is becoming more alert now. That will never happen again." He repeats.

Paul and I walk into the bedroom to see Julia sitting up in bed, with Mike in the room on the chair next to her. I'm surprised Dipshit Donovan is letting him in the room. I'm surprised with a lot of things Jeremy does. He's just as all over the place as Julia is with his moods. I bet he could use a good solid diagnosis himself.

"Hey doll." I bypass Mike and sit on the bed next to Julia and wrap my arm around her. She is still a bit out of it but gives me a crooked little smile and leans into me. I kiss her forehead and suddenly wonder if Julia and I are even a couple anymore. I wonder if we will ever have sex together again. Certainly not in here. But this room is now her home. I try to push that thought out of my head and focus on other things. Since Mike is already here, I might as well bring up the conversation.

Surprisingly, Paul beats me to it. The man who barely utters two words in a day is now itching to talk and make sure Mike is on board.

"Maloney, you are in charge of Julia."

"Huh?" Mike twists his head to make eye contact with the fellow bodyguard.

"Do you know the history between that doctor and Moretti?"

"I mean, I looked it up yeah. She never really actually said it.... but I believe it did happen by the way she reacts to him sometimes."

"It happened. I was there." Paul says.

Mike knits his brows together and narrows his eyes. "Why didn't you STOP him then?!"

"I did. Both of us did. We walked in on it. Listen to me. She needs protection. Now that she's full time I can't be her bodyguard until I'm registered here. You are going to have to watch out for her. Make sure he doesn't do anything."

"Yeah man, that's fine and all. But I'm planning on getting out of here once they let me. I'm sure as hell not going to be a resident here. I'm leaving this dump with or without her."

"Well," I chime in. "Then while you are here. Can you make sure she is safe?"

"Usually, I would say yes.... for a price. But I don't want your fucking money, Hollan. I will take care of her because she's Julia."

Of course you will...... God, he's already falling for her. Can't blame him there. She's easy to love. 

Which is why I need to fight to get her the hell out of here and back in my arms for good.

******

*Julia*

Nate is the one to help me shower this morning. I'm too wobbly from the medication to do it on my own. And the facility is too understaffed for a nurse to babysit me. Jeremy unhooked my IV and wrapped my port for me and like always- Nate takes advantage of the moment and showers with me. We both stand under the warm water, and I drop my forehead to his chest. I want to cry but I can't even do that, I'm so drugged up.

"I feel so out of it."

"Because you are, princess."  He wraps his arms around me and rests his chin on top of my head. I've always loved that. "Jule...does this mean you don't want to be with me anymore?"

"What??"

"You living here. Is that your way of saying it's over between us?"

My eyes travel up to meet his. "I... I hadn't thought of that. I mean.... it just happened. I wasn't thinking of anything."

"So why did you sign the papers?"

"Because this is where I belong." I frown, thinking of the one-sided conversation I overheard in the garden yesterday. Nate is tired. I'm wearing him down. I'm emotionally draining. This is the best place for me. But I hadn't thought of our relationship status when I signed myself into the Avalon permanently. I was so caught up in the moment I just did what I felt needed to be done.

"I don't want us to end. I love you. I wasn't thinking straight. I..." I shake my head not knowing what to say. I DON'T want to end it with Nate. God no. Not at all. "I fucked up. I'm sorry."

Nate lets out a sigh of relief and hugs me so tight. I realize he thought I was ending it between us.

"Thank God.." He says under his breath.

"But why do you even want to be with me, Nate? Look at me? I'm only getting worse. You're tired of me. You even said it yesterday to Jonah."

"What??" 

"Outside. On the phone with Jonah. You said this was exhausting and how tired you were."

"No doll. I'm not tired of you. How could you think that? I'm tired of this situation we are in. I'm tired of this illness taking over your life. I could never be tired of YOU." Nate clarifies.

 He pecks my lips but doesn't move his head away. He pecks my lips again. and then over and over again before it turns into more. Because it always turns into more.

He rounds his back and cups my face and begins kissing me with more passion. I reciprocate and part my lips, suddenly feeling again. He pulls me in hungry for more and I press my body into his. I'm beginning to feel EVERYTHING again.

 My fingers are in his hair as I pull him in more. I take over the kiss now and everything happens fast. His hands slide down my waist until they rest on my thighs. Without warning, he lifts me and holds me against the shower wall with his body. I wrap my legs around him and that's all it took.

There's something about having sex when you actually love the person. It's more intense. The desire is stronger. Everything just feels better. I knew I wasn't in love with Mike- obviously. We were just using each other. And it felt good. But this..... this is Nate. I love Nate. So, when he thrusts into me, and I have to press my lips onto his shoulder to muffle the sound it's because having sex with him, loving him, is the most amazing feeling in the world.

I feel like time has stopped. Like this is lasting forever. Like Nate doesn't want to give in and let go in fear he will lose this feeling. 

"I love you so much." I begin to cry. God, I'm such a mess. With my legs wrapped around him, I bury my face in his chest and cry. I'm feeling ALL the emotions now.

"I love you too." Nate whispers in my ear. He lets out a slight groan and comes undone the same time I do.  I'm crying and having an orgasm at the same time. Who does that?!

"You're ok, doll. I've got ya." He knows. He knows this is me coming out of the medicated state I was in. He knows this is just me being me. The mess I am and all.

I am now completely sobered up not only from the medication cocktail given to me this morning but from my episode yesterday. I'm thinking clearly and regretting my life decisions.

"I don't want to live here." I cry into his chest. "I want to go home. I want to be with you and take care of James." I lift my head.  "Nate, I wanna go home."

******