*Nate*

As I sit in the session listening to Jeremy Donovan talk about how bad Julia's mental health is getting, I feel Julia tire herself out and slowly drift off. She's so tired. All the time. Every once in a while, she will sniff, or a tiny whimper will escape but she is fast asleep.

"I'll leave you to think about things." Jeremy has nothing more to say. He gets up and exits the room.

 Jeremy thinks Julia should be an Avalon resident. He thinks she needs a med change which we all know takes weeks. Not only that, until the doses kick in, Julia's moods will fluctuate even more, and her agitation could be detrimental to herself and those around her.  

Paul enters and sits next to me but folds his hands in his lap and says nothing. He either doesn't know what to say or does but knows it's not what I want to hear.

Then friggen Mike comes in and I want to deck the kid, but my hands are a little occupied holding Julia. Not that I really would. But I'd let James know and he would for sure.

"Why the hell is she turning to YOU of all people?" I watch Mike swivel a chair to face me and sit down.

"I think I'm her only friend here." He mutters.

"Is that what you call this? Friendship? She's just using you."

"I don't mind." Mike smirks.

"Why can't she just make a few female friends?" I huff and look down at the sleeping woman in my arms.

"Is she gonna be alright?" Mike asks with concern.

"Oh God. Don't you go falling for her too, asshole. She's got enough men in her corner." I look up at him. "Don't you have a bank to rob or some needles to steal or something?"

"Nah, your sister's got that covered for me." Mike bites back and leans back in his chair a little.

"I can't stand you."

"Doesn't matter. I'm not sitting here for you. I'm here to make sure she's alright. You really DON'T get it, do you, pal?"

I squint my eyes at Maloney and shake my head.

"She's never leaving this place. Look at her. You and me? We're here for stupid shit. Because the court is forcing us to go to AA and clean up our act. Julia isn't here because of her dumb addiction to pills. She's here because her brain is all fucked up. There's no magic pill or group meeting that is going to cure that. It's something she will always have to deal with."

"You don't think I know this, Maloney? I'm pretty sure I've been dealing with this far longer than you."

"Just ask your friend here." Mike stands up and looks at Paul. "Why do you think his mother is in a facility for the rest of her life? He can't handle her."

Paul glares at the man but says nothing.

"Just like you can't handle her." Mike throws at me and walks out of the room.

"I can handle her just fine, douchebag." I mutter back. "Prick."

I can handle her just fine.

"How the hell does Mike know about your mother?" I can tell Paul doesn't want to talk but too bad.

"I told you. We were friends way back when." He says sharply.

"You don't tell me shit."

"You have enough shit on your plate, Hollan."

*****

*Julia*

"I think I'm done, Nate." I lie in my bed at the Avalon facing Nate as he strokes my cheek. He pulls me in closer, so I am right up against him, and we stare at each other.

"What do you mean?" He questions. We are the only two people in my room right now. Paul went home to get some rest, taking Jonah with him. Jeremy is on a break until someone needs him. 

"I'm tired. I'm so tired of everything." I blink away a tear. My moods have been fluctuating too much lately. Jeremy thinks I needs a change in meds, but it could take weeks to see results.  He said this is all normal for a Bipolar patient, but now I'm a bipolar patient going through withdrawals so a mess right now. 

I'm so emotionally worn down and so numb I don't even flinch when Donovan comes into the room today. 

"I'm not giving up on you, doll. Don't you dare give up on yourself." Nate continues to gaze at me.

"He thinks I should be a full-time resident for a reason, Nate. Look at me!!"

"I'm looking at you. You're struggling. You're bipolar and going through detox.  But Jules, I see more than that when I look at you. I love you. I love your calm. I love your crazy. I love everything about you. I want to see you get healthy. But if you quit on me.... Jules...." He pauses, " this is just a bump in the road, that's all."

"A bump in the road? Seriously Nate?" I feel my mood change again and I sit up but wince in pain and hold my head. "Jesus."

"Detox headache?" Nate ask and in return gets a nod.

"I can't keep doing this!" I cry.  That's when it hits me. While sitting up in bed I look around my room. This is it for me, isn't it? I just don't see myself getting better.  The walls begin to close in on me.  The room begins to tilt and start spinning. No. not now. I bolt up out of bed and dash out the door before Nate has a chance to comprehend anything. 

"Jesus Christ, you're gonna make me chase after you again?" 

*****

*Nate*

"Julia!" I see her speedwalking down the hall and round the corner. Where the hell is she going? She's suddenly in panic mode. She's in 'spiraling out of control' mode.  I try to catch up to her and see her banging on a random door. She continues to bang on it until it opens. 

"Julia...." Jeremy studies her face just as I catch up to them. She pushes past him into what looks like a fully decorated large apartment. This is where Jeremy lives.

"Everything is spinning! Everything is always spinning. I hate this feeling! I feel out of control!" She screams and then begins tearing apart the guy's apartment starting with the nearest bookshelf. She grabs books with both hands and throws them on the floor while in panic mode. Julia is acting just like she did when she tore through my bathroom. 

I stand in the doorway in shock but Jeremy rushes to Julia, pulling her hands away from the bookcase. The two books in her hands fall to the ground and she now begins banging her fists on his chest in frustration.

"Give me something! Anything! Make the spinning stop!"

"Hey. Look at me. Take a breath." He says calmly and holds her wrists but then let's go immediately when he notices the wild look in Julia's eyes. Instead, he puts both hands on her shoulders.

"I quit! Ok? I don't want to do this anymore!" She turns and swipes a potted plant right off the end table, letting it shatter on the floor. Soil spills out all over the place, but Julia doesn't care. She's in the middle of a major manic episode and I stand back watching it all unfold right before my eyes. She moves on to the pillows on his couch, throwing them in a fit of rage.

"Julia. Sit down. Please." Jeremy now grabs her before she heads to the kitchen area, and sits her down. He sits down next to her, holding both her arms so she has no choice but to stay seated. He ticks his head for me to come in, which I do, and close the door. What the hell is happening? This is the last place I want Julia to be. Sitting on the couch in her rapist's apartment.

"Breathe." He says in a calm tone. Julia is anything but calm. Her eyes and nose both running as she cries, her hair wild and in her face and her eyes full of tears.

"I'm only getting worse! I don't want to detox again. I don't want to be on fucking meds. I don't want to do this anymore!" She pleads with the doctor, and I feel my eyes sting with emotion. I cautiously sit on the loveseat across from them, unsure what to do now. 

One thing I've noticed with Jeremy when it comes to Julia, aside from her stalling when it comes to eating, he's very patient. He sits next to her, making sure she doesn't bolt up, and waits calmly. He doesn't judge her but looks at her with compassion and empathy. Like he understands. I hate that about him. He's an evil man who has done unthinkable things to her. It's like he is two different people.

"Julia. You're experiencing psychosis.  You're agitated and-"

"What would cause this??" I butt in now, needing to know.

"A combination of things. Her detox, exposure to stressors or trauma, sleep deprivation, low blood sugar from not eating enough. Withdrawal alone can trigger it. Severe anxiety over a long period of time can lead to psychotic episodes. She's having disorganized thinking. Severe panic attacks. She can't control this." He brushes her hair away from her face and I want to pounce on him and get him away from her.  Right when I think that Julia turns to Jeremy, still crying.

"Help me then! Help me stop this feeling!" She pleads with so much desperation I feel a hard lump forming in my throat.

"We can start you on antipsychotics right away. They will reduce feelings of anxiety within a day, but it can take several days or weeks to full see the effects. Julia....You need more than pills. You need Talk Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Self Help groups, along with rehabilitation for these episodes. All of that is offered here. But none of it can be done until after you detox. We can do the prescription and talk therapy, but real rehabilitation will have to wait until after your withdrawals It's a process, Julia. It takes time." He answers. Julia drops her head into her hands and sobs now. Jeremy is rubbing her back, but he looks up at me and nods for me to come over and take his place. Which I gladly do. I sit on the other side of Julia and pull her into me and away from Dickface Donovan. 

After every episode, I say this. But I'm going to say it again. This is the worst I've seen Julia. 

*****

Julia was taken away and back to her room by two nurses once she calmed down. They will administer the Antipsychotics as well as check her vitals and maintain a calm atmosphere for her. She was also given a dose of Benadryl in hopes to slow things down a little for her.

I'm somehow still sitting here in Jeremy's apartment. He talks to me while kneeling down with a dustpan, sweeping up the soil from a potted plant.

"Nate you see things are getting worse. Julia needs an entire rehabilitation team. You know this right?"

"She needs to stay away from you is what she needs." I cross my arms over my chest in a stubborn manner, wondering why I haven't gotten up and left this room yet. But I know why.

I need his help.

"She needs a Care Plan. she doesn't have that with you. You can't provide a Care Plan for her." He says with his eyes still down and focused on the mess. He says this like I know what the hell a Care Plan is.

"I haven't a fucking clue what you're talking about. I can take care of her just fine."

"I'm not talking about taking care of her. I'm talking about a Care Plan. A team that will work with her to decide on types of care she will need for her physical and mental health. Because she is Bipolar, those needs will change often. This is the best place for her. You know this."

"Bullshit. You just want her here so you can restrain her and have your way with her. I'm not buying it." I can hear my own British accent coming out stronger now that I'm getting irritated with the man.

"Do you know what the Mental Health Act is, Nate?"

I don't answer the asshole because he knows I don't know what it is. I watch him get up and empty the soil back into another potted plant and begin to pick up the books now.

"If you experience a severe psychotic episode and your care team thinks you would be best cared for in a hospital, they can admit you. If you refuse to go and it's felt you present a significant danger to yourself or others, you can be compulsorily admitted to a hospital. Detained. Under the Mental Care Act. You may be treated without your consent. Against your will."

"Is this some kind of THREAT?!"

"No. What I'm saying is if ANY other doctor in this facility saw half the shit Julia does, she would have been admitted into West Hills Hospital by now. The third floor Nate."

I suddenly feel like I'm going to throw up. All the color drains from my face. "The third floor?"

I know the third floor of West Hills. Cara was there. It's the psych lock down unit. It's awful. Julia can't go there!

"The third floor." Jeremy repeats. "I'm the only one giving her chance after chance here so she doesn't get sent away. Don't you see that?! Anyone else would have sent her away a long time ago. The aggressive behavior alone...." He shakes his head.

"Again, you just want her bound up so-"

"Ok. Here's the deal." He stops me right there. "I'm going to give Julia one week. One more chance. No restraints. No Ativan to calm her. Nothing. If she can't show improvements by the end of seven days- I'm stepping back and handing her over to another doctor. I will watch her get taken away in the matter of hours. Is that what you want? If so, then it's a deal. I will no longer be her doctor. But if she DOES show improvement with my help then let me help her. Again. No restraints. No Ativan. Because to be honest with you... I'm so fucking sick of you throwing that in my face."

My eyes widen. "YOU'RE so fucking sick of it? You should be in fucking prison right now!!"

"But I'm not. Am I? So let me help Julia. One week at The Avalon under my care. If you don't like what you see, I will pass her case over to someone else. But let me be clear, Nate. Once I turn over her case- she is no longer my patient. Whatever they do with her is out of my hands. I am the ONLY one who lets her get away with the shit she does. I am the ONLY one who is invested in seeing her get better. No one else cares. So, think really hard on what you want to do by the end of the week." He says sternly to me and nods towards the door. "You can show yourself out."

******

*Julia*

The nurse escorts me outside to the garden so I can get some fresh air. No one is outside so I sit right on the grass facing the sun, hugging my knees to my chest...and cry. I cry because I'm beyond saving. I'm getting so bad I don't want to live.  It's too hard and I'm too tired. All I'm doing now is stressing Nate out.

I look down at my shaky hands and close my eyes.

I can't believe I trashed Jeremy's place. I can't believe I was even bold enough to knock on his door. I apparently have lost my fear of him today because his presence is not affecting me at all. It's like I don't even care anymore.

I know I'm not going back on tour with Nate. I also know I won't be living with James. I'm in this all alone. I might as well just stay here at The Avalon. Forever.

I'm losing myself.

I hear Nate's British accent, but he isn't talking to me. I look over to the far end of the building to see he is out near the courtyard where the picnic tables are, on the phone. He doesn't see me, but I can hear him clearly. He paces while talking on the phone.

"I don't know what to do here, Jonah! You need to tell me what to do!" He pleads to Jonah while pacing the grounds.

I hear him explain everything to Jonah. This bright idea of a one-week plan under Jeremy's care. I hear all of it.

"This shit's exhausting." Nate sits down on the picnic table and hangs his head low. "I'm so tired."

The crack in Nate's voice is all it took.

 I stand up and head inside, making my nurse scramble to catch up. I walk through the halls and back to Jeremy's in-house apartment and knock on his door with tears dripping down my face.

"Julia..."

"I'll do it." I blurt out. Jeremy has no idea what I'm talking about. "I'll get admitted here. I'll be a resident here."

There's a moment of silence as Jeremy stares at me. I'm completely calm now yet tears roll down my face. Because I need to do this.

"Ok. I'll get the paperwork for you to sign. Follow me."

*******

Nate comes in from outside sporting red swollen eyes and passes by the reception desk. That's when he notices me. Sitting down at a table in the In-Take room next to Jeremy and the director of the Avalon. 

"What's going on??" He asks in confusion. I say nothing and keep signing my signature on all the forms. "Jule. What are you doing???" 

He knows these forms. He's had to sign them before. When he signed his sister into the Avalon. Nate watches me sign my life away in complete shock.

"Jule... No!!! Wait..."

"It's over, Nate." I sniff, keeping my eyes on the Avalon contracts. The director takes the forms and hands me the Avalon Residency Folder as a nurse takes my arm to guide me back down to my room. I turn my head to briefly look at Nate who has a distraught expression to his face. Because he knows what I just did.

"Julia!"

"Sir. Visiting hours for Live-in patients are now over. I'm sorry, but you will have to leave." Another nurse says. Jeremy has his head in his hands.

"What did you DO? Donovan! What the hell did you do!!"

"It wasn't me. It was her choice." He mutters and I can tell he is being truthful. 

Julia just admitted herself into the Avalon's Full- Time Residency Program. Not one week.  Not one month. The full-time program. Like Cara, Julia now lives at the Avalon.

"Sir..."

Is this lady serious? I'm allowed to be here with Julia as much as I want! Well...no. Now I'm not. I WAS since she was just an outpatient partial program participant. But as of five minutes ago, she is a full time resident here, so all the rules apply. Including visiting hours. That means Paul will have to go through the system and all the paperwork has to be approved before he can be her bodyguard. That could take weeks! Did she even think of that? She's going to be all alone here!

"Can I at least say goodnight?!"

"Let him. I'll walk him down."  Jeremy stands up and follows me back in.

I speedwalk down the hall. My heart is pounding hard. I feel like I'm on the verge of my own panic attack. I can't believe this is happening right now. This entire day seems like one big nightmare. I swing open Julia's door.

She's lying in bed, facing the wall, shutting down.

"Jules! Why would you do that?!"

"I told you, Nate. I quit."

*****