Do you know how easy it is to lie when you're dead inside? When you are so numb, nothing really matters?

This is what happens when you are triggered to the point that every time your eyes close you see your trauma. His face. Being put in those restraints, being haunted by his threats, all of it fucked my head up so much I feel hopeless.

Every time the door opens, panic sets in thinking it's Jeremy coming into my room.

A man I trusted. Hell, a man I slept with once. Before he took it too far. Not that that really matters. Right now, I'll sleep with anyone just to feel something. Anything.

Kinda why I'm standing here right now. Standing in Mike's doorway at two in the morning.

Can we just admit Nate makes an awful bodyguard? He sent everyone home to rest. Even that new guy, Ethan or Evan, or whatever the hell his name is. The one who looks like some outdoorsy magazine model.

I knew the time change exhausted Nate. I can't blame him for falling asleep. He's not a bodyguard or trained to be one. He's only human. But I sure as hell wasn't going to wake him up when I had a panic attack in the middle of the night.

"Are you ok??" Mike whispers.

I knew he'd be awake. He's struggling. Bad. And no one here helps him. He doesn't even have a police officer by his door once the department saw he is not a threat, and it's a waste of money.

Poor Mike looks so tired. He shakes like I would - if this place would stop doping me up and actually let me detox, that is.

I frown but lie. "I'm fine."

Mike lifts the covers, and I cross the line. Again.

I at least could feel. I felt his touch. His kiss. His body. I felt it all. And when we finished, I felt my tears. Somehow, Mike knew my tears had nothing to do with him or the sex. He held me and let me cry without needing to explain anything to him.

"You're a mess." Mike whispers with a little smirk once I've calmed down. "Just like me."

I nod in agreement.

"But you shouldn't be in here. What if he sees you? He'd-"

"I know." I whisper. I run both my fingers through his long hair, lean up and kiss Mike. He rolls off me and I quickly get dressed and leave his room before Jeremy finds out.

I slide into my own bed without waking Nate. I study his face in the dark. He is fully clothed, in those darn purple pants I love so much. He was excited to see me. He made sure to look his best. For me.

And I shut down on him.

I look over at the sleeping man, lying on his side, facing me. His hair is a mess over his forehead. Lips parted the tiniest bit, breathing heavily in a sound sleep. He is cute even when he is sleeping. I kiss his soft lips and curl up next to him, pulling his arm over me.

I really AM  such a mess.

*******

*Nate*

"When can she be discharged?" I have yet another meeting with Donovan. This time I dragged Jonah with me for moral support.

"Once she's stable enough and eating." Jeremy says, feeding me a bunch of lies.

"She ate a little yesterday afternoon. You saw her!" I blurt out. But that sounds stupid. Because Julia barely touched her dinner when Jeremy decided to sit in the room and watch her and then threw up her breakfast this morning.

"Doctor Donovan, Julia will always struggle with eating. One of her diagnoses that YOU, in fact, diagnosed her with is an eating disorder. She's going to struggle with that regardless. This stressful environment isn't going to help that." Jonah states.

"Correct. But she isn't showing any initiative or cooperation by constantly pulling her IV out. I can't, in good conscience, discharge her if she is not healthy."

"Good CONSCIENCE?!" I stand up and lean across the table pointing at Julia's rapist. "You motherfu-"

"Nate. Sit down." Jonah pulls my arm, making me sit back in my chair but I throw daggers at Jeremy the rest of the meeting.

"She hasn't even begun her detox. We're looking at a week's stay, if not more."

My eyes widen. "WHAT?! She isn't detoxing yet because you won't let her! She is not staying here for a week. Over my dead body."

"I don't think you realize the severity of this, Nate. Julia fits the criteria to be a full time Avalon resident here. Just like your sister."

"You can't be serious!"

"Nate. She's bipolar with an eating disorder and mania and- she has so many things. So many different disorders that feed off each other. If she stays here, she will get the needed 24/7 care. She deserves to get top quality care."

"TOP QUALITY CARE!" I jump out of my seat again, now pacing the floor. This time Jonah doesn't stop me. "You call what you did to her top-quality care?! She is NOT living here full time." I grab my chest and once again, close my eyes tight feeling the lightning bolt of pain shoot through my chest. My heart begins to pound hard. Too hard. 

Oh my God, Jeremy is trying to get Julia admitted here for good. Does he have that kind of pull?

Of course he does. All he needs to do is write a few notes in Julia's chart and she would immediately be approved to live here. She has no next of kin to legally fight for her. If we were married, sure. I'd be able to say no and scoop Julia right up and walk the hell out of here. But we never got that far.

"Shit." I mutter and bend over, putting my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. Jonah heads over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"You good?" He asks quietly.

"He can't do this to her." I whisper as the pain subsides and I stand up straight.

"Nate. Why don't we take this day by day for right now. It's a lot to digest and in your condition, you shouldn't be stressing out over this. Let's see how she does tomorrow."

"I'm taking her home today." I mutter and glare at Donovan.

"I can't let you do that. To get discharged she would have to be deemed stable enough, symptoms to have improved significantly, and she doesn't pose a risk to herself or others. This decision is made by the doctor. Me. And we would need a plan in place which we do not have." Jeremy stands up and takes the folders in front of him. The meeting is over. He doesn't say another word and leaves the room.

"Damn it!" I shove the chair out of my way and storm out of the conference room.

*******

*Julia*

Detox is setting in now for me and once again, for the millionth time, the symptoms take over my body. I'm sweating, shaking, all the usual shit that happens as I sit here in my room with Paul. Poor James can only handle so much, and his sister got him after lunch. The lunch I just threw at Donovan in a fit. He didn't restrain me though. Instead, he brought me another meal and left the room.

Once again, we feed him lies by getting rid of some of the food on my tray. Paul ate the apple. I took a few bites of the mac and cheese, and even that bodyguard Evan helps by eating the banana. Apparently, he is in the loop with what really happened between me and my doctor.

Nate storms into the room with Jonah right behind him and begins pacing the perimeter, with his hands folded behind his head.

"He can't be for real." He says to himself.

"I take it the meeting didn't go well?" Paul's eyes follow Nate.

"He thinks she should become a full-time resident here!"

"WHAT?!" I shriek, making everyone in the room jump. I bolt out of my bed and run for the door but Paul, always being one step ahead, throws his arm around my waist and pulls me in. "He can't do this!!" I scream.

"Close the door!" Paul demands and Evan quickly closes the door in hopes no one hears me flipping out. And I flip out all right. While Paul is holding me back, I kick and scream and cry hysterically. Like all the numbness disappeared and I feel everything. EVERY damn thing.

"Julia, shhh." Paul hisses in my ear. "If anyone hears you..." He covers my mouth but then quickly drops his hand when my eyes widen. "Shhh!" He continues to try to calm me down. Nate is pacing and swearing and a mess. Evan is in friggen shock or something. And I'm giving Paul a run for his money trying to hold me back.

I want to run into Jeremy's office. I want to scream in his face and push him and hit him. I want to plead my case and tell him I'm well enough to get out of here, even though we all know I'm not. I will lie. I will lie about everything.

I can't live here. Not with Jeremy Donovan living here.

*****

*Nate*

"Did they have to sedate her??" Trisha asks on the phone. I pace the small rec room of the Avalon while updating her on today's events. The room is technically closed because everyone is in the afternoon session, so I take the time to talk freely to my best friend.

"No, thank God. I think Donovan was still down near his office. There's no way he would have heard her, and Paul stopped her from running out the door. She ended up crying herself to exhaustion in his arms."

"In Paul's arms??? He let her???"

Trisha seems to forget that Paul has been the one caring for Julia all this time while we were away. They have become close, and Julia trusts him. He will always look out for her now.

"Listen, Jonah is insisting I sleep at home tonight. The stress here it a lot and I had a panic attack after the meeting. Paul said he got a good night's sleep so is volunteering to stay with her. Do me a favor and check on Gallo. Today was a lot for him. And I think having his sisters take care of him isn't working out very well. I offered to have him move back in. Between all of us, we know how to take care of James the way he needs. I think he is going to take me up on the offer but if you can reach out to him..."

"Look at you, playboy. Inviting enemies back into your home." She snorts and I roll my eyes like she can even see me over the phone.

"He's not my enemy, ok? He just needs to keep his dick in his pants."

"Did I ever tell you how big his-"

"GOODBYE TRISHA." I hang up on her and shake my head.

Jonah is right. Going home tonight will be good for me. Knowing Paul is with Julia puts my mind at ease. Evan can go wherever Evan goes and I will use him when needed now that I know he is a trustworthy bodyguard. And having James move back in will be good for everyone. Good for him, good for Julia- if we can get her out of here. and to be honest. I miss having the damn dog around.

I just have to find a way to get Jules out of here. Nothing is happening tonight. But I need to come up with a plan. I need to work with Donovan somehow. I need to figure shit out.

******

I don't bother saying goodbye to Julia because she is still sleeping. I hate this. I hate everything about it. Leaving her here and going home. This is not how it was supposed to go.

I decide to stop by Cara's room before leaving the building. I watch her from the doorway before saying anything. Her OCD has kicked in and she is not only finally cleaning her room from yesterday but folding her T-shirts a very specific way. If it isn't lined up perfectly, she starts over and does it again. This is all just part of Cara's diagnosis.

"You're nuts, you know that?" I tease while leaning against the doorway, watching her.

"Kinda why I'm here...." Cara doesn't look up or stop what she's doing. She's in the zone right now.

I had Evan run out to CVS for me once Julia fell asleep, so I throw the bag on Cara's bed, making sure it doesn't touch the clothes she is working so hard to fold. That catches her attention, and she opens the plastic bag, then smiles.

"You remembered!!!" Cara squeals and takes out five packs of Twizzlers candy. One of her favorites. I sometimes forget Cara is that of a child. Yes, she's 18. But really, she's not. With all that she's been through and all the shit she took to get high, she emotionally isn't an adult. She gets excited like a kid when she sees the candy and gives me a hug.

"You know I would..." I scruff up her hair and hug her back. "Don't eat em all in one night."

I leave the room, and Evan and Jonah follow me out of the Avalon and into the SUV. Ren gives us both a nod and we leave the premises. Ren drops me and Jonah off first and then brings Evan home who will be on call until tour starts back up in three weeks, and then we will see what's happening. Everything is up in the air right now. It's really all in Donovan's control.

*****

"Welcome home." Casey smiles brightly at me. I have yet to step foot in my own home and as excited as I am to be back, not having Julia with me is hard.

"Thanks, Case. Where's Trisha??"

"Oh she's helping James unpack! It's nice to have him back 'home'." Casey grins and I can't help but smile back. James couldn't wait to get away from his sisters, could he? I wonder how that all went down when he had to tell them. I speedwalk into his room to see him sitting on the bed talking to Trish while she folds his clothes for him. Maggie is in her doggy bed and the second she sees me she dashes over. I kneel down and pet her.

"Well look who's back! Welcome home Maggie." I say as the golden retriever wags her tail happy to see me. "I'm glad you decided to come back, James. You know you can always visit your houser whenever you want, and my door is always open. I don't want you to feel like you are trapped here. But you are always welcome." I walk over and pat his shoulder.

"Thanks. My sisters weren't thrilled, but they will get over it eventually. How is Julia?"

I frown and shake my head. "Jeremy is not making this easy for her. She didn't get sedated but had a bit of a meltdown when she heard his goal is to make her a full full-time resident."

Trisha stops folding the clothes and looks over at me in surprise. "He can't force that, though. Can he? "

"He can do whatever the hell he wants."

James's eyes fill with tears and Maggie hops up on to his bed to lay across him. He keeps his eyes lowered and pets his dog, trying to hold in his emotions.

"Listen, I'm not going to let that happen, ok?" I pat his shoulder. "She wants to be the one to take care of you. I'm going to figure this out. She's not living there."

Jonah comes in the room to welcome James back home and sees how distraught he is.

"You told him...."

"Yeah." I inhale sharply feeling depleted after this day.

"I'm going to start researching our options tonight. I don't care if it takes me all night. I will find a way to get her out of there." Jonah says. I believe him too. He is invested in Julia's wellbeing. He WOULD be the one to stay up all night on his laptop for her.

"Right now we just have to take it one day at a time. Paul is there with her overnight and I will go there first thing in the morning."

"Actually...... Richard wanted to have a meeting with you tomorrow morning." Trisha chimes in.

"Seriously? I JUST got back!"

"Sorry, playboy."

"Try to cancel it, please." I shake my head and walk away.

I need a vacation.

*****