Julia's one overnight stay at The Avalon has turned into a full seven-day stint. Between complications surrounding her UTI, then the intramuscular midazolam dose erasing her detox efforts, she is still looking at another day or two.

I hate this. I hate everything about it. I hate that she's not feeling well. I hate the fact she has to restart her detox. I hate she's even there. I hate the fact Jeremy fucking lives in one of the Avalon apartments and Mike Maloney is befriending Julia. I hate how Gallo no longer visits her or even calls her though I think that is his sisters way of protecting their brother.

I hate that Julia no longer fights it and is starting to adjust to being in the Avalon.

Three times this week Paul had to have another well-known bodyguard, Will, come to relieve him for a few hours so he could get a good shower, change of clothes and decompress a little from the atmosphere of the detox facility. It's a tough job for any bodyguard but especially for Paul whose mother is in a similar facility in NY for her mental illness.

And while all that is going on, I'm being pulled in every direction here in Amsterdam. Between signing events, meet and greets, radio interviews, promos, and talk show guest on every local show possible promoting my tour and album, on TOP of performing three plus hour concerts, I'm wiped. I still have three more days and one more concert.

 All three concerts are sold out shows at the Ziggo Dome in the Netherlands. That's 30,000 people each night bringing in $1,803,250.00 per night not including merch sales. The second largest in revenue. The first has and will always be my two sold out shows at Madison Square Garden, New York. That's later in the tour though. That is one place I will NEVER cancel. No matter what.

The Amstel hotel is the most prestigious hotel in The Netherlands. It's well known all over the world and has a history of over 150 years. Celebrities like The Rolling Stones, U2 and Rihanna use the hotel as their home base during their stays in the Netherlands. Then there are also Royals from around the world who enjoy the many facilities of the Amstel hotel. So Trisha thought it only fitting to stay here so Jonah and Casey could experience such a luxurious week's stay. She's really trying to get my mind off things back home. I appreciate it and it IS helping a little, I'll give Trish that much. But at the end of the day, I wish I was wrapping my arms around Julia. Not Trisha. Every day it gets a little easier to do though, another thing I hate.

*****

 *Julia*

"I don't get why she gets to hang out in her room and the rest of us full timers have to go to session." Cara is pissed and for good reason. Jeremy has been giving me special treatment and it's not fair, yet I'm not going to be the one to rat him out. I'm going to take advantage of every single fricken thing I can to get out of going to those stupid meetings. 

"What, did Nate pay extra for you to get out of shit? You're just as crazy as me, lady."

Once again, I ignore Nate's little sister while Paul holds my puke bowl.

"I can't do this again." I mutter to myself.

"Please, you say that every time. It's getting old." Cara huffs and walks away.

"I just want to leave this place. Paul, why can't I do this at Nate's?" I lay back down and roll over towards the wall.

"You're not stable enough, Julia. You threw your breakfast clear across the room the minute Jeremy entered and have been throwing up all morning instead of eating." He reminds me.

"I can't help it if I can't keep my food down. Jesus Christ, Paul! Don't you have other people to bodyguard??" I snap hearing him talk about my morning meltdown.

"You want me to leave? I'll leave. You can stay here with Jeremy."  He retorts and puts my puke bowl out in the hall for my nurse to take care of.

My eyes widen, and I turn around.  Paul gives me a little smirk. "I'm kidding."

"I don't enjoy your sense of humor, Paulie." I roll over in the bed and shiver.

It's weird. Since I've been at the Avalon, we have become a little more of friends than bodyguard and client.  Paul jokes around with me with a little more ease, he sleeps in my bed at night so we can both get a full night's rest, he guards the bathroom whenever I need to shower and he makes sure I don't say or do anything stupid when Jeremy is near me, aside from my mini meltdown this morning in the cafeteria.

What's also weird, I rarely hear from James or Nate anymore. I'm in this alone. Well. With Paul by my side and creepy Mike Maloney, who really isn't that creepy after all, just rude. He just doesn't like people. I can respect that.

So, this is my life now. Detoxing at the Avalon, wearing Avalon sweatshirts, sweatpants and hospital socks, big old lady cotton underwear provided by you know who, the Avalon. And no wired bra's because you know... someone can do some major harm with a stupid wire? Anyway, I've given up on wearing a bra anyway. These sweatshirts are huge, and no one is interested in looking at my chest here.

 I do sometimes wonder what city Nate is in. If he's sharing a bed with Trisha, having sex with her, if Jonah and Casey are having fun. I miss Nate's big obnoxious laugh, the way he holds me and makes me feel so safe and loved. I miss a lot of thing.

 But most of all... I miss James. I miss everything about him. I miss Maggie. I miss that cute little bungalow and Griffith Park.

I miss living.

When my door opens, I fully expect to hear Jeremy's voice checking in on me after my breakfast mishap but it's not. It's the other doctor, Melanie England. The Angelina Jolie knockoff.

"Hey Julia. heard you had a rough start to the morning." Her calm voice says, and I turn and sit up in bed, wiping my eyes.

"You KNOW why. You know I can't say it but you know why." I had somewhat confided in Melanie way back before tour. I probably shouldn't have. I should trust no one in here. They are all friends for all I know.

"I know. Which is why from now on, if you want your nurse to get your meals for you, you can eat them somewhere else. Whether it be in your room, or out near the garden. But you need to eat Julia. I'm trying to make things work for you, but you need to start eating or you're never going to get discharged."

I notice the tray on the desk. Melanie brought my breakfast to me. She really is trying to make this work for me, so I nod.

"Ok. I'll eat." Without hesitation I get out of bed to eat my breakfast.

That's the last thing I remember.

******

*Nate*

Trisha scheduled some tours for Jonah and Casey as well as in room massages and spa days. Ours just ended, today being one of my days off, and once they pack up and leave, I had plans to take a shower to wash this oil off. Trisha had other plans....

The second the hotel door closes, Trisha pulls on the belt of her fluffy white robe, letting it fall off her body. She then pushes me up against the door.

"Whoa. Hello." I chuckle but get serious quick when she slides my robe off me. We are still both covered in massage oil which isn't helping matters right now. She is completely naked with her hair up in a messy bun and no make up on, yet she will always be hot as fire, even more so being natural like this.

"Are you relaxed, Mr. Hollan?" She whispers into my ear before kissing my spot on my neck and leaning her oiled-up body against mine.

"Well......" I hesitate. "I was..."

"Let me help you with that." She bites her plump bottom lip and takes my hand, leading me over to the bed. But before anything else, she rummages through the spa gift basket that came with our massage. It has all sorts of bath salts and facial masks as well as massage oil.

She pulls out the massage body oil and looks up at me seductively. "I'm pretty sure they missed a spot. But first..."

I watch in confusion wondering what this woman is up to when Trisha walks away. Then I realize what's happening. She opens the drawer next to the bed holding the red restraint fabrics. We have only done this once before but I'm suddenly very excited. I try my best to hold it in. This is a very different side of Trisha lately and I'm not sure what has gotten in to her but I'm not complaining. She has been trying so hard to get my mind off shit and to be honest, it's starting to work.

The way Trisha teased me, edged me, making me beg for more, it was pure torture in the best way possible. Something I'd only let Trisha do.

"Lay down, playboy."

I swallow hard with a nod and lay down on the huge bed. This time Trisha takes both my wrists into her hands and ties them together before then tying them around the bar of the headboard behind me. I now wonder if every hotel has a bedframe such as this.

"This is so much fun." She whispers in my ear before pushing my legs further apart and sitting on her knees between them. I'm already painfully hard and she hasn't even done anything to me yet. And when she drizzles the warm massage oil down my chest my breath hitches. She leans up, checking the knot on my wrists as her nipples graze my chest and then my face. I lift my head, and I take one into my mouth and Trisha closes her eyes. I switch to the other one and lightly tug with my teeth as she backs away. She sits on her knees and begins spreading the oil over my chest, shoulders, biceps and then works her way down my abs.

I open my eyes when I feel more oil drip down my thighs and her hands massaging my muscles. Her hands are everywhere and nowhere all at once. Certainly not where I need them to be. But I'm enjoying every touch of hers. Then she squeezes oil across her chest, and I watch it roll down her breasts. I watch with a groan as the drops drip off her nipples on to her thighs wishing it was me dripping off her body.

I don't bother trying to wrestle out of the restraints. I like this too much. But I do hold on to the fabric tight, almost unable to handle the sight of Trisha like this. I watch her massage the oil on her skin while squeezing her breasts together and I let out another groan as my dick twitches, yet to have any contact. Then, I can barely catch my breath when she squeezes oil on her tight stomach and it drips down her shaven core.

"Jesus Christ." I inhale sharply, my eyes unable to tear away from her body. Her hands rub the oil all over her body, down her thighs, behind her and then while her eyes are on me, one hand drops to the soft mound between her legs. I bite my bottom lip and tick my hips up.

"What do you want, Nate?" She says while touching herself. "Be specific." Trisha's here to play games with me. She wants specific? I'll give her specific.

"I want you to pour some of that oil on my dick and let it run down." I play the game with a little smirk. She does just that. She lets the oil drip on my swollen tip, her eyes watching the oil roll down my shaft, down my balls and on to the mattress. My erection twitches and Trisha bites her own bottom lip now.

"Ok, that was hot as hell to watch." She says with that evil little look in her eyes she had the last time she tied me up like this.

"So do it again...." I look down at her with my hooded eyes full of lust.

I watch as she lets another drop fall from the bottle and roll down my length. My eyes involuntarily close for a second before they lock with hers. I give her a slight nod.

"Again." I repeat, and for some reason, Trisha is enjoying this more than I thought. She squirts some more then puts the bottle on the nightstand before returning between my legs. With both hands she proceeds to spread the oil all between my legs. Every inch of my length. Every inch of my body.

"I'd do anything for you, you know that?" She looks at me seriously while driving me crazy. All I can do is nod as both her hands massage up and down my length.

Trisha spends an hour bringing me close to the edge in all ways possible and there's a split moment... just a moment where a voice in my head says, "I'm gonna marry this woman." It's my voice and my thought but it still shocks me to the core. Trisha is starting to make me forget what I have/ had with Julia. And I don't think she is doing it on purpose either. This distancing between me and Jules isn't working. And this closeness with Trisha IS.

So when Trisha unties me and lets me roll on top of her and make love to her, as I bury my head in the crook of her neck, as we both unravel at the same time, I don't know why but I say it.... I've said it a million times but not like this.

"I love you."

******

I glance at my phone when I see Paul's number pop up and Jonah is the first to notice. We are all having dinner together in my obnoxiously large suite. (After we had housekeeping clean up our mess from our massage oil fun earlier today, that is.) 

I figured after an in-house spa day no one would want to venture out into the cold, and I was correct. Jonah and Casey were happy to get the invite to my suite. I ordered everything on the room service menu and right as we gather around the huge dining room table full of food, my phone goes off.

 I answer it and head to the balcony. Jonah, seeing it was Paul on the phone, followed me out.

"She's back on the IV?" I repeat Paul and look over at Jonah who drops his head. I cover the phone and repeat everything Paul is telling me to keep Jonah in the loop. "She had a panic attack during breakfast when Donovan came into the cafeteria to check on her. Another doctor came to Julia's room with her breakfast, and she agreed to eat but passed out when she got out of bed. Paul caught her just in time, so she didn't crack her head open." I pause, listening to Paul say a few more things before hanging up.

I have the sudden urge to throw my phone right off the balcony in defeat, but I don't. not today. I shove it in my back pocket and lean against the railing instead.

"It's not like she isn't trying. She was willing to eat. Always having that asshole Donovan around isn't helping her progress."

"Julia can't heal properly from Jeremy when he is always making himself seen, Nate. I can't imagine how much of a toll that is taking on her.  At least she has James still coming to visit her and break up the days a little. That's a huge help in itself."

"He's not." I scan the view from the balcony before explaining. "He's been there twice. His sisters really don't want James going to the Avalon every day. It's a stressful environment."

"So she has no visitors? No one to talk to? Just.....Paul?" Jonah knows Paul is a quiet man and probably doesn't give Julia the time of day. He does his job and then vents to me at the end of my night to keep me posted. "She's all alone."

For the first time in a long time, I see how this is affecting Jonah. He has always been invested in Julia's health. Always researching her symptoms and finding ways to make life a little easier for her. Jonah feels helpless right now. The tall dark man looks at me and shakes his head before rubbing the tension behind his neck and pacing the small balcony.

"She not only feels like she doesn't have a purpose since she can't take care of James, but she's also attempting her detox all alone. Have you tried to reach out to her?"

A wave of guilt hits me hard in the face as my eyes drop to the ground. It's been a few days since I've talked to Julia.

 "I WAS.... multiple times a day with no luck. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts and when Paul would put the phone to her ear, she'd open up a little but then shut down and hang up on me." My excuse falls flat and Jonah glares at me.

"Seriously, Nate?!"

"What the hell do you want me to do? She wants nothing to do with me right now!"

"That's just......" my nurse pauses, "not like you. Are you giving up on her?"

"Noo!"  My tone of voice comes out defensive... and I hear it right away. "No. It's just hard. She's in L.A. and we're here in Amsterdam-"

"And you have Trisha. Julia has no one." Jonah puts me in my place before walking back inside. He's not an idiot. He notices things. Jonah sees how me and Trisha are becoming closer.  But I've known Trish for years. She's my best friend. Everyone knows that. But even with years and years of media training, when it comes down to my village, the people who know me the best, I'm easy to read. Especially for Jonah.

I'm beginning to move on, aren't I?

******

*Julia*

"Who's that guy?" Mike looks up as I enter his room. He studies the large Italian man in his late forties who stands at the doorway facing the hall in true bodyguard style. The guy looks like some mobster hitman to be honest and says not two words to me all day.

"Dante. I think that's what he said." I sigh. Halfway through the morning, after I passed out, Paul started not feeling great and went downhill fast. Within a half hour he was holding on to his own puke bucket vomiting. The nurse checked him out and low and behold, he has a fever with the stomach bug. He's not allowed back at The Avalon for 24 hours after his fever breaks so was sent off the premises. The other bodyguard, Will, who has relieved Paul a few times, is out of town for the week due to a death in the family. His coverage for the 4th floor was this guy. Dante. A brick wall of a man who looks like he could kill someone in seconds if need be.  I hate that people have to take turns babysitting me like this but grateful to have a bodyguard around, nevertheless.

I really don't want to be stuck in my room with Dante guarding my door all day, so I came to see the only friend I have. Detoxing Mike. Mike is sitting up in his bed with his blanket wrapped around him, shivering. It looks like he hasn't slept in days because he probably hasn't. The only reason he is showered with clean clothes on every day is because of me. His nurses are all useless.

I roll my IV pole with me as I sit on Mike's bed next to him. He looks at my IV bag and shakes his head at me.

"Back to the liquid diet, I see?"

"I passed out earlier." I shrug like it's a common thing and no big deal.

"Maybe if you stopped throwing your food around the cafeteria and actually ate your breakfast you wouldn't be passing out." Mike says in a matter-of-fact way. "You freak out every time that doctor comes near you."

Like Mike, I lean back against the wall and draw my knees up to my chest. We are both shaky messes so pay no attention to each other's symptoms as we talk. But I don't acknowledge his sentence. Legally I can't so once again, Mike gets a shrug and that's all he gets out of me.

"You know they have a computer in the rec room?" Mike arches a brow. "It's old but it works. I didn't even have to google your entire name." He pauses. "Why were the charges dropped?'

Heat rises to my face, and I rest the side of my head on my knees facing away from him. I feel that hard lump forming in my throat and tears building up. I knew it would be one of the first articles to pop up when googling my name. I'm not shocked. But I really didn't think that old computer in the corner of the rec room had internet access. I'm not allowed to answer that question, but it doesn't matter. I can't seem to form words at the moment anyway.

"Is that why you have bodyguards?" He doesn't get any answers out of me. "Sorry." Mike nudges me with his shaky body. "We don't have to talk about that shit, ok?"

I turn my head to the other side to face him and nod.

So, there it is. Another person knows my not-so-secret secret.

Mike doesn't bring it up again. We sit in silence. Detox in silence. Together. I wonder how much this new bodyguard, Dante, knows. I'm sure Paul has had to fill him in because the minute Jeremy stands in the doorway, the bodyguard looks on edge. He's already a scary looking man as it is. The guy makes Thor look weak.

"Julia you can't be in here all the time." Jeremy pays no attention to Dante and continues to stand in the doorway.

"Where else would you like me to be? I ate my breakfast. It's raining out so I'm not going outside and to be honest... the people currently in the rec room scare the shit outta me, ok?"  Jeremy knows I tried to go into the rec room earlier, but Cara was having a complete fit and almost got into a hair pulling fist catfight with some other girl in there before two guards had to separate them. Cara might be a tiny little thing, but she is strong and fearless.

"Fine." Jeremy huffs. "But don't hang out in here all day." He turns around and while walking away I flip him off and get a little laugh out of Maloney.

A detox shiver runs through me and I close my eyes waiting for it to pass. Instead, I feel Mike wrap the large comforter around my back so we are both covered and warm. I open my eyes and take the corner of the blanket like he does and give him a little nod of thanks.

"Thanks Jesus." I smirk and Mike gives me a funny look. "What... you look like Jesus. The long dark hair. The little bit of a beard you've got now..."

"I'm far from holy." He retorts.

"Why did you google me?" 

"Because I find you interesting. And a little crazy. I wanted to know why." Mike answers.

"He's not why I'm crazy. He's only a part of it." I admit with my eyes still closed.

"Bipolar. That's what one of the articles said. I don't really know what that is and had someone breathing down my neck wanting the computer so never looked it up."

"Crazy. That's what that is." I huff.

"What woman isn't?"

"Ha..... ha...... ha..." I open my eyes and give him a little sarcastic look. "No sense of boundaries. Moody, depressed, have these weird panic attacks and episodes where I go nuts and sometimes don't remember after. Unhinged."

"Is that what all these are from?" Mike pulls my arm out from holding my knees and pushes up the sleeve of my sweatshirt. He then softly traces the somewhat faded scars on my forearm, sending a shiver down my spine. I look down at my own arm with a frown and huff, remembering all the shards of glass that were embedded into my body from tearing apart Nate's bathroom. I lean back against the wall and close my eyes while remembering that awful day. Mike is still holding my arm out, tracing each little scar as a tear rolls down my cheek.

"You're a real mess, huh?" He laughs at me in typical Mike Maloney fashion and pulls my sleeve back down.

With my eyes still closed, I feel Mike swipe away my tear.

Then, he presses his lips against mine.

*****