*Explicit sexual content ( More than usual)

*Julia*

Does Nate really think he can do anything without gaining media attention? It's the first thing that popped up on my phone this morning. By the looks of it, Paul has no idea about this news or what the hell I'm talking about. His eyes are wide as can be and he grabs his phone off the desk, grumbling something once he reads the article.

"What?! What are you talking about, Julia???" Nate yells into the phone loudly to the point I had to remove it from my ear.

"Oh please. Give it up. You're all over the internet. A photo of you walking out of some fancy spa and then Mila right behind you." I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

"SERIOUSLY? Julia, it was me, Jonah, Trisha, Casey and my bodyguard Evan. Yes. Mila was there. I saw her quickly as we were leaving the building. I didn't even say one word to her. Not one. You can ask anybody. I blocked her number and ghosted her completely." Nate talks fast and sounds genuine. He's telling the truth. I've been thinking about this all morning. Since right after breakfast when I saw it. I was driving myself crazy, but Nate sounds sincere.

"Fine. Whatever. It doesn't even matter." I huff and lay back down in bed with Paul's phone to my ear.

"I miss you so much, Jules." Nate says softer now. "Why are you distancing yourself from me? You're shutting me out."

"I need to focus on my detox, remember?" I say fill of sarcasm. "That's why I'm here, right? You are far away, James is staying away..." My voice trails off thinking about that and Nate doesn't know what to say now. Because he knows I'm right. "I feel like my life is on some awful loop. Doing the same thing over and over again. Detox, pull myself together, something happens, detox, pull myself together.... I'm so tired Nate. " I admit. God I'm so tired.

"I hate you for doing this to me." I blurt out and hang up on him.

*****

"Medically, I think so long as Paul makes sure you take all your medication, including the antibiotics and you eat and drink plenty of fluids you could go home. It's your detox and emotional state I'm worried about. I think you should spend another night here." Jeremy says.

My heart begins to pound hard hearing this.

"Why? No one comes to help you in the middle of the night when you're detoxing. I saw that with my own eyes last night!" I close my eyes tight, facing the wall while in bed as Jeremy discusses what to do. Of course he wants me here. I don't have a say in the matter, do it? Nate's not here. I have no one to fight for me. Who's gonna do that? Paul? I highly doubt that.

"Michael's current situation is VERY different than yours, Julia. His detox is very different than yours. There's no comparison."

I sit up and whip my eyes towards Jeremy. "He was literally on the floor crying and shaking and no one came to check on him. Not one nurse! I don't care WHAT someone's situation is... have some compassion you asshole!"

"Julia." Paul reprimands me knowing I'm beginning to spiral out of control here.

"Whatever. Just leave me here. Forever. It doesn't even matter anymore." I lay back down and pull the covers up.

"Your UTI is messing with your head." Jeremy lets out a sigh while standing near the doorway. "It's going to get worse before it gets better, Paul. I really do suggest she spends another night detoxing here."

"What do you want to do, Moretti?" Paul doesn't know what to do himself, does he? He probably thinks if I go home I'll tear Nate's place apart. Maybe I will. He's probably nervous about me losing control and I can't blame him. I feel like I am. After seeing that shit with Mila it just rehashed everything. Having the UTI and detoxing isn't helping matters. Not at all.

"Whatever. Just leave me here." I repeat.

"No one is leaving you here. If you stay, I stay." Paul reminds me.

"I really don't think that's necessary..." Jeremy starts but Paul interrupts.

"If she stays. I STAY."

******

*Nate*

"You never ordered room service? Nate, wake up." Trisha practically kicks me while I'm sleeping on the couch. I dozed off without ever ordering food. I was so worked up after Julia hung up and then started obsessing over this Mila shit on my phone. "You're lucky I thought of you. Grilled chicken salad. Sit up."

I realize I AM hungry and sit up, scratching the back of my head and looking around. "What time is it?"

"Ten. You missed some amazing food but glad you rested. And don't worry about the Mila Giovanni shit. I already took care of it. We saw it during dinner and Elliott was right on top of it, putting rumors to rest."

"Yeah, tell that to Julia." I grumble and open the takeout box. Then I look at the box in Trisha's hand and tick my chin up. "What's in that one."

"My leftovers. Chicken parm. I couldn't finish it. The serving size was huge, and the old lady was practically force-feeding us at one point." Trisha opens her box and a look of surprise creeps up on her face. "You want it??"

"Yeah." I push my flavorless chicken salad off to the side and dive into Trisha's leftovers.

"Wow. Look at you, living on the edge."

"No, living on the edge would be downing a bottle of whiskey with my meal."

"Yeah, good luck with that pal. I had them sweep both your room and Jonah's of any alcohol before check-in. You won't so much as even find one of those tiny bottles or anything."

I shrug and shove another heaping mound of food into my mouth. "Ok, this is amazing. Julia would have loved this. It's her favorite." I frown.

"Then you'll just have to take her there when she's better." Trisha squeezes my shoulder and heads to the bedroom.

Yeah. I have a feeling Julia won't let me back in to her life anytime soon.

*****

*Julia*

The rest of my day was a blur. Jeremy was right. I didn't get better. I got worse as the day went by. Lunch was a shitshow and I got sick in a garbage can right in the cafeteria. James stayed with me for about an hour so Paul could shower and change clothes, since I will, indeed be spending a second night here. But the minute Paul came back he hightailed it out.

"Wow, it's like an Avalon slumber party here. They got you staying another night? I bet my brother had a part in that." Cara scoffs while standing in my doorway.

"Find something to do, Cara." Paul holds my puke bucket while I get sick, and my nurse begins cleaning up the mess of my lunch I threw all over the floor.

"What...this IS something to do. Live entertainment." Her little Hollan accent fills the room.

Is this what it has come down to when you live at The Avalon? Watching other people suffer is now entertaining?

Nate's name pops up on my phone on the desk and Cara notices. Before Paul has a chance to get there, Cara answers.

"Hey bro. She's a little busy puking her brains out right now. But nice of you to call and check in on her..." Cara bleeds sarcasm because Nate doesn't check in on her half as often. Mainly because if this right here. Her attitude stinks sometimes. "Oh. NOW you ask? I'm fine. Thanks for thinking of me."

I roll my eyes, and Paul puts my bucket down and snatches the phone from her. "Yeah, she's not doing too hot right now. They're going to keep her another night."

My nausea passes so I lay back down, facing the wall. Just the thought of staying here another night makes me feel sick to my stomach. Paul has been the one caring for me. Nurses come and go and check in but you're pretty much on your own here when it comes to detox. I learned that one watching Michael Maloney last night. You'd think with all the money people fork out, the care would be better.

I feel the phone near my ear again and let out a sigh.

"Hey Jules. Hang in there, ok?" Nate doesn't sound too good. He's either been crying or about to. I can always tell. I close my eyes, wishing he was lying right here in this bed with me and feel a lump forming in my throat.

"They're making me stay." I whimper.

"I know, doll. It's just while you have that damn UTI." He sniffs. It's late at night for him. He's probably in some big fancy hotel somewhere. Probably sharing a bed with Trisha for all I know. A tear escapes and rolls down the side of my face just thinking of that. It's over between us. He's moving on. Living life. I bet he's only checking in on me because he feels obligated to. I bet it's just out of guilt.

"Jule's, I love-"

I hang up the phone and bury my face in my pillow.

*****

*Nate*

"She's just not doing great." Paul says. I call back right away after Julia hangs up on me. Why is she being like this towards me? I just don't get it.

"I don't know what to do here, Paul. This whole thing is hopeless. I'm so frustrated." I get out of bed, so I don't disturb Trish and head out to the balcony. Trisha hates being alone and has always shared a room with me on tour. She's trying to keep things the way they used to be but I'm just not feeling it lately. I want to go home. SO bad.

I'm not even worried about the money loss. I will continue to make money just by the Artist Royalties. Every time one of my songs is played, I make money. They call it the Mechanical Royalty. The mechanical royalty rate is a percentage of a streaming service's total revenue that goes to my producer and then the songwriter. Me. I could hop on a flight right now and be home by tomorrow night. I think about that for a moment.

Then I think of the backlash I would get. I'm not sure I can handle that type of stress right now.

"She just wants you. I'm not cutting it boss. I'm trying though."

"I know you are. I'll have Trisha send you a good bonus for doing this for me." I try to ignore the tightness in my chest and take a deep breath.

"It's not about the money, Hollan. I don't want your damn money. This is Julia we're talking about." He says lowly and I can hear Jules in the background getting sick again. Paul is right. I know he would help regardless of the pay. He thinks of Julia as his little sister. He's doing more for her than I ever could. Whether she wants it or not is a different subject.

"Let me talk to my tour manager tomorrow, ok? I'll see what I can do." Just thinking of having to talk to Leslie about shortening the first leg of my tour gives me anxiety. She's not going to go for it. Like Richard, she only sees me as one big paycheck.

"Jesus Christ." Paul mutters. "I gotta go. She just ripped out her IV. Again...." Paul hangs up.

"It's late, Nate. Why are you out here?" Trisha rubs her eyes and plops down next to me with a big blanket she wraps around us both.

"She's not well." I wipe my eyes and stare out into the distance.

"Neither are you. This stress is taking a toll on you." She lays her tired head on my shoulder and closes her eyes.

"And Cara is in rare form because I haven't called her to check in as often as she'd like." I huff and shake my head. Trisha looks up at me and wipes a tear from my cheek.

"Don't take it personally. You know how your little sister is. She's just trying to get a rise out of you. She wouldn't even be there getting the help she needs if it weren't for you. She'd probably be in some dingy facility or strung out somewhere."

Trisha is right on that one. Being at The Avalon is saving my sister's life. No question. I continue to vent away to my best friend and end on the fact I shouldn't be here and how I should be in L.A. right now.

"No. You're right where you should be sweetie. Right here, doing what you love." She kisses the corner of my mouth, trying to shut me up about all the negatives. Trying to distract me. Trisha kisses me again and I tuck my chin to see her.

"Trish....." I shake my head a little. "Last night... Do you remember what you said before falling asleep?" I have to bring this up. It's been weighing on me. Trisha and I have been best friends right from the start. Friends with benefits sure, but there have been a few times I think she has hinted to wanting more. Last night was one of those times. Right as she was falling asleep, she said something under her breath.

"Like what..." She kisses me again, again trying to shut me up.

"You were saying how me and Jules aren't right for each other. Then said something like 'I can make you happy.'

"Yeah, what about it?" Trisha begins kissing down my neck.

"You're trying to distract me, princess.... What did you mean last night?"

"What? You could use a distraction..." She kisses me again and I close my eyes, starting to feel that tingling sensation travel right down to my pants. Trisha isn't going to answer my question, is she?

"We can't be doing this. You know tha-" I'm cut off by another, more seductive kiss as Trisha climbs on to my lap to straddle me. I instinctively grab on to her hips. "It's... it's not right."

"Does it feel good, though?" She presses her body down against me over our clothes, grinding into me, making my pulse pick up in pace. "This is no different than any other time we have spent a year together touring."

"It IS different, though." I say but grab her ass, pulling her in more as she moves her hips back and forth against my quickly growing hard on. She pushes me to lean back more on the small outdoor couch and her eyes darken.

"You're always worrying and taking care of everyone else. Let me take care of you." Trisha whispers in my ear and before I can respond she kisses that spot on my neck that drives me crazy. Trisha knows all the things that get me going. We've known each other for so long.

I give in to the feeling, closing my eyes and tilting my head to give her more access while she kisses my neck. She looks around for a moment to make sure no one else is on their balconies, but it's late and dark out, so she pulls her tank top over her head.

The sight of her never gets old. Trisha is a beautiful woman who takes care of herself. Not just physically but mentally. She's a very confident woman who knows what she wants. And right now, she wants me.

Before I know it, she is completely naked and pulling my clothes off me, not caring the blanket has fallen down to her waist.

"Let me take care of you." She repeats and lines me up, slowly lowering herself down on me. I breathe out and drop my head back against the couch, keeping my hands on her hips. She rests her hands on my shoulders, lifts up and slowly lowers down again, making my dick twitch from the sensation. This slowness is overwhelming and I'm now aching for more. "Does this feel good?"

I open my eyes and nod, unable to currently form words. Trisha is slow on purpose, feeling every little thing and I can tell it's driving her just as crazy. I must be hitting the right spot by the way she closes her eyes and drops her head back for a second. Her lips are parted, and she looks so fucking sexy right now.

Then she stops.

"Wait." Trisha pulls me out. I gasp and ache. "We should go inside. What if someone sees us? That's all you need."

God, she's right. imagine if someone saw us having sex up here on this balcony when we technically aren't together? That photo would break the internet.

"Ok..." I agree. Trisha gets off me and I pull my pants up. We head back inside the room and close the door and curtains.

"Take all your clothes off and lay on the bed." Trisha demands. She has this evil little look in her eyes I've never seen before. It's fucking hot.

"Okkkkk." I take all my clothes off and lay on the bed. But Trisha walks into the closet. What is she up to??

I hear her shuffling around a little but she's taking a while now so I start pumping myself to stop from deflating.

"I bought this while shopping this morning."

Holy shit.

Trisha took a while because she was putting on lingerie. This fire engine red lacy piece with a garter belt and black thigh highs attached. Her breasts are spilling out of the corset, and I don't need to pump myself to keep myself up anymore.

"You bought this while you were with JONAH and CASEY??"

"Relax. They were in there too. I paid before they did so no one saw the other person's purchase."

Somehow, I just can't picture Jonah going into a lingerie store. Casey sure, but Jonah is a very reserved person. Maybe he's finally starting to loosen up a little. Casey is so good for him. I chuckle at that until I come back to reality and realize what Trisha is doing.

"Wait..Trish." My eyes widen when she takes my wrist and ties it to one of the brass bars of the bed's headboard with this silk piece of fabric. "What are you doing??"

She ties my other wrist the same way. Tight. There's no way I can get out of them. I try but it's hopeless. She knotted them up good.

I've gotta admit. I've never been tied up before. I have tied plenty of women up... But not myself.

"Relax." She whispers in my ear with an evil little smile. "They came with the outfit."

Then...... I watch her open her hand and show me another piece of fabric, right before she puts it over my eyes.

"Trish..." My voice falters and I'm not sure I like this game now as she blindfolds me and ties it behind my head. I don't know why I'm so nervous. It's Trisha. But not being able to see anything but red from the red fabric has me a little uneasy.

She slowly starts kissing down my neck, dragging her tongue down my torso. Not being able to see anything heightens my senses. But not being able to touch her frustrates me. I tick my hips up but she pushes them back down.

"Uh- uh. Not yet." She whispers against my stomach, and I swear I'm feeling things much more than I normally would.

"I want to see you though. I want to touch you. I don't like this game." She knows I love feeling the fabric on her thighs and this is driving me crazy.

"Too bad." She kisses up my shaft and I instinctively try to pull my hands free with no luck. I bite my bottom lip as she teases me with her lips. "And I think you do like this game."

I feel her shuffle a little. She's straddling me but not inside me. Just hovering over me.

"What's happening?" My voice becomes a little huskier as I wait impatiently.

"You look so hot right now. All tied up... not being able to see." She breathes out and I realize what she's doing now. I try to picture her on top of me with her hand between her legs and tick my hips up again. I feel her fingers wrap around my erection and she swipes it back and forth against her core, against her nerves but not inside.

"Does that feel good?" She continues to swipe me back and forth against her skin.

"Yeah." I groan, now desperately needing to see and touch and be inside of her. "Are you still touching yourself, doll?"

"Yep."

"Good." I try to talk like I'm in control, but I definitely am far from it. I'm at her mercy right now. This is all new to me. Being the one tied up. And having Trisha be the one makes it at least a little more comforting. I trust her. She won't just up and leave me or something.

She backs away from me again and I try to listen to maybe get a clue what's happening next. She sits on my lap but again, doesn't let me inside her yet. Instead, she slowly and gently grinds herself back and forth on my length.

"You're getting me closer." I admit. She may want to stop. And she does, lifting herself up off me so I don't have any contact. But I can tell she's still moving which means she's still working her nerves. I wonder what she must look like right now. Lips parted, eyes closed, cheeks flush. "I need to see you. You went out and bought that sexy little thing and I can't even see it."

"True..." She huffs and gives in, removing my blindfold.

I'm already breathing heavy but then when I see the sight of her, I almost can't handle it. Just like I thought, touching herself with her lips parted, eyes closed, cheeks flush. She sits back on me but on my thighs, so I get no contact with her bare skin. She loses herself to her own orgasm. Breathy moans escape as her perfectly pink manicured fingers bring her to hit her high, almost grazing me while she writhes on top of me. I wrestle with my hands, trying to pull them free while she's riding out her orgasm but with no luck. The woman knows how to make a tight knot. She better be able to get me out of these later.

"Trisha......Darlin please. I need..."

"You need what?" She opens her eyes and gives me a seductive little look. "Tell me what you need.." Oh God. She's going to be the death of me. I thrust up desperately towards nothing, throbbing and getting no relief.

"I need to be inside you. Please baby. I need to feel you." I'm practically begging now. "But I swear, I'm so close just from watching you, one swipe of your tongue might end me." I admit.

"Oh yeah?" She slides down and does just that. Sticking her tongue out flat, swiping it from the base all the way up to the tip, one time, and my dick twitches and breath hitches. Beads of sweat are forming on my forehead now. She swipes her tongue again, this time right from my balls all the way up my shaft and teasing me by circling her tongue around my tip.

"Oh God." I throw my head back. My thighs tremble and I'm gripping the fabric tied around the bed posts. "Do that again."

"I don't think you're in any position to be demanding things, Playboy."

But she does it again and I drop my head back on the mattress and close my eyes tight.

"Oh God. Again." I open my eyes. She drags her tongue up me again. "Yeah..." I'm rocking my hips, needing to feel every little thing her tongue does. Needing more pressure yet this feels so amazing at the same time.

"Again." I tick my hips up. "Please..."

Her eyes are locked with mine as she slowly drags her tongue up my shaft over and over again but not giving me nearly enough to make me come. Yet I can feel it building slowly. Painfully.

"Again! " I curse under my breath continuing my desperate thrusts into the air. I've never felt so close like this before. Desperate doesn't even cut it for words. I'm panting and all my muscles are tight. My thighs quiver every time she drags her tongue up my length. This time, Trisha is extra slow and I'm right there. Holy shit. I'm right there.

"Again!!" I cry out, holding the fabric tying my wrists so tight my biceps ache. I'm practically lifting myself off the bed to feel her tongue more. My balls are aching, my dick is heavy, ready to explode and Trisha looks up with me with lust filled eyes, knowing she's driving me up a fucking wall. I want to break free and push her head against me. Like she can read my mind, her lips trail my length but then work their way down and stay against my skin. I thrust rapidly against her parted lips.

"I need more, doll." The ache in my voice while I'm thrusting against her lips makes her smirk. She thinks this is fun, doesn't she? "Trish...."

"I could do this all night." She backs up just an inch so I can feel her breath but don't have any contact.

"No! I was so close." I grit my teeth dropping my hips back down. She slides her hand down to cup my balls while I'm sweating and panting and drags her tongue up me like before. "Yeah, again..." I say softer, just happy that I can feel something again. She starts pumping me slowly and my whole body jolts up, ready to let go.

"Fuck!" I squeeze my eyes tight, needing it to happen now. "Don't you dare stop!"

"Oh? Like this?"

I lose all contact again.

"NO! Trisha please!!" I cry out, pleading for more. "It was about to happen! Please...let me-" I'm heaving now, doing anything I can to come in contact with her skin. "This is NOT taking care of me." I growl through gritted teeth, my frustration escalating. "You're gonna pay for this, Banks."

"Keep talking like that and I'll leave this room and go see your bodyguard, Evan." Her lips touch my tip while she talks. "You know..... We could do shit like this all the time if you were with me...."

My eyes widen.

"Is that what this is about, princess??"

Trisha shrugs, flattens her tongue against my dick close to the head and begins pumping me. I let out a groan so low I barely recognize it's mine.

"I'm just saying."

"You don't want to be with me, dollface. Oh God..." I can no longer complete a full sentence watching her pump me. She drags her tongue, and I continue to beg.

"Again."

The second her tongue flicks over my sensitive spot, my body jerks. "Again.......again!" I lose all control, not caring how pathetic I sound as she flicks her tongue repeatedly and starts jacking me off at a fast pace.

"OH GOD!" My hands grip the fabric and my body lifts up. I cry out with pleasure as hot white spurts out uncontrollably all over Trisha's soft parted lips. So much spurts out as she continues pumping me against her mouth.

I drop my body onto the mattress, panting with my chest heaving as if I had just come back from running a marathon. I came so much but it doesn't bother her. She just wipes me away with my shirt that was left on the bed.

"C'mere. Hurry."

Trisha doesn't know what I mean and gives me a funny look.

"Get up here!" I snap and then it registers. She stands up on the bed and holds on to the bedframe before lowering herself down on my face. I can't hold her in place or touch her with my hands tied up like this but my mouth will keep her here. She presses against me a little more and arches her back when my mouth attaches to her core and my tongue goes to work. She moves her hips back and forth while moaning and losing control, until she comes undone. Just tasting her has me hard again.

"Untie me. Now." I demand against her skin while she's still on my mouth riding it out. She works on the knots and my hands break free and fall down. I pull Trisha away and flip her over harshly so she's on her back. I sit up and grab those thigh highed legs, pinning them back against the mattress up near her ears, holding them in place. That yoga she does faithfully is paying off.

"I told you I was gonna make you pay for that." I growl, pressing her thighs into the mattress with my hands. She nods with a smirk.

"You did..... go ahead. Make me pay."

She asked for it.

I slam into her so hard and fast I surprise even myself. The sounds coming out of her mouth can for sure be heard down the hall and the bed bangs against the wall loudly.

"Fuck you feel so good." I'm barely able to contain myself even though I just unloaded on her five minutes ago. She unravels underneath me, her whole-body trembling while profanities spew from her mouth and her nails dig into my arms that are holding her thighs back. I release inside her and a long drawn-out groan of my own fills the room while I ride it out. My body collapses on hers, each and every muscle now exhausted, and I turn my head to her ear.

"I fucking hate you, you know that, Angel?" I seethe, trying to catch my breath while still moving in and out of her body.

"I don't think you do...." Trisha laughs. I let go of her thighs and she relaxes them down. "That felt amazing." She breathes out and wraps her arms and legs around me, not wanting me to pull out. "Stay. Just like this."

Like always, Trisha wants me to stay inside her as long as possible, so I do. She holds my ass while I reach back a little to grab the corner of the blanket, pulling it up over us and then collapse on her again.

"We fit perfectly, just like this." She whispers in my ear. "We're so good together, Nate. We could be good together." Trisha is back to thinking of what we could be and to be honest, right now in this moment, I can't deny what I'm feeling while buried inside her. Because we are good together, aren't we? Even when she fucking tortures me like she just did. I don't know if I'd let another person do something like that to me, aside from Julia of course. And for the first time, I fall asleep thinking of Trisha.

Not Julia.

******

*Julia*

"She's out of control."

I hear the nurse talking to Jeremy outside my closed door. She's had it with me. I watch Paul picking up my food off the floor while I pace the room, breathing heavy after have a Bipolar episode. I've pulled out my IV.....AGAIN... and thanks to detox feel like I'm crawling in my own skin. Everything hurts. I'm freezing. Shaking. Unsure if it's from my fever or detox. And the room is closing in on me. Fast. Too fast.

"You need to calm down, Moretti. I mean it." Paul looks up at me nervously. I cry harder and grab my hair at the roots with both hands.

"I CAN'T!"

"Stop. Don't do that." Paul gives up on picking my dinner off the floor and stands up, grabbing both my forearms, pulling my hands out of my hair. "You're gonna be bald in a week if you keep pulling your hair."

"Make it stop, Paul!" I look up at the bodyguard towering over me with pleading eyes. He's still holding on to my arms, but his eyes focus on mine.

"Make what stop, Julia?"

"EVERYTHING!!" I lean into him and he wraps his big arms around my trembling body. "Make it all stop."

Paul drops to sit on the bed while holding me and scoops me up, cradling me as I get lost in his arms. I hide my face in his chest with my eyes closed tight, and grab hold of his shirt with both hands, desperate for relief. I'm numb but feel everything. Like I'm in some awful nightmare. I feel the physical pain of withdrawals yet the numbness from feeling all alone in this. I've lost all control tonight and can't think clearly as the walls cave in on me.

"Please." I whimper. "I can't do this. I can't keep doing this." I feel Paul rocking me back and forth while brushing my hair away from my face. His chin is leaning on top of my head and he holds me tight like I need him to. I don't even care that it's Paul.

"Shh. You're ok. I've got ya." He whispers, trying his best to do whatever Nate does to calm me. My heart is racing and I know he can feel it against his chest by the way he tightens his hold on me. I hear the door open but don't lift my head.

"She's not ok." Paul says. "This is the worst I've seen her. The only reason she hasn't torn through this room is because she can't. There's nothing for her to break." He pauses. "Almost as bad as...."

Paul doesn't finish his sentence. He continues to hold me and rock just slightly while waiting for Jeremy to respond.

"Finish your sentence." Jeremy half sits/leans on the corner of my desk. If it wasn't bolted down I would have for sure thrown it. There's a pretty long pause where all I can hear is my pulse in my ears. I know what Paul is remembering.

***

A few swift hits to the door and it swings open, revealing glass and ceramic and shards of mirror all over the bathroom floor..... I not only completely destroyed anything I could get my hands on and tore through the bathroom, I tore up my arms, hands and knees.

"JULIA!" Nate shouts when he sees the scene. Paul is the one to step over the glass with his boots and quickly scoop me up.

"Jesus Christ, call 911." Jonah demands....

"Put her in the other bathroom. I have to figure out how to do this." Jonah holds his head and Paul rushes me to my bathroom without saying a word....

"Paul, I'm gonna need your help to hold her down until the sedative kicks in." Jonah looks back at Nate, furious. He slams and locks the bathroom door.

It took well over an hour of Paul holding me in the bathtub while Jonah used tweezers to extract at least a hundred, if not more, shards of glass embedded in my body. Once the sedative kicked in, I shut down and was no longer present in the room. Not mentally.

But when I hear Paul describe it in his own words, I break down more, grasping on to his shirt with both fists, remembering it all but also sad knowing Paul was scarred from it. He will always remember it. I may have the physical scars all over my arms and legs but Paul will carry the emotional scars of what I've done as well... forever. And that KILLS me. Because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone else because of the stupid things I've done. Doing it to myself is one thing but when I hear how it affected those around me because of me being...me...it breaks me even more.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" I'm hyperventilating in his chest now.

****

"He didn't have a choice, Jonah." I hear Paul as I drift in and out of consciousness. "She was having trouble breathing. Like blue in the face trouble."

I try to open my eyes and keep them open to hear the conversation but the fast-acting injection to my arm hit me hard and I'm very sedated. I'm completely numb. Yet, tears roll down my face as I lay on my side to prevent any chance of choking if I get sick. Jeremy is in the room. Paul is in the room. Michael Maloney? Is in the room. Why is he in my room.

"The UTI fucked her up. She HAD to be sedated."

Frustration sets in.

I have to start all over.......

Again.