We'll be alright.

I have to believe that. Even with this distance. We have to be. I love her. I sing Safe Haven and get a little choked up halfway through the song thinking about Julia. Just knowing she's not doing well and I'm not there with her breaks me. Fortunately, the crowd ate it up, and I got a great write-up the next day. Munich, Germany, never disappoints.  We spend two nights here to recover a little before heading on a one-hour flight to Milan, Italy.

  I had all these sightseeing plans with Julia, but now I sit here in the living room of this huge presidential suite with Trisha snoring in the master bedroom and all I can think about is if Julia is ok. Again, I'm nine hours ahead of her, so even though it's one in the morning, it's only around four in the afternoon at The Avalon. She has yet to spend the entire night there.

Last I heard, Julia's getting an IV put in for fluids due to dehydration and low blood pressure and antibiotics along with pain reliever for her UTI and fever. We're going to have to monitor her closely because she seems to be prone to UTIs, and that's not ideal with her mental illnesses. She's barely eating and now shutting down because of her detox as well as the fear that comes along with being in close proximity to Jeremy Donovan.

On top of it all, James is having a hard time being near Julia when she is in the middle of her manic episodes which are, of course, happening more frequently right now with everything going on.

He's her best friend, and he loves her, but James can't handle this shit and it's too much for his healing brain to process. It was too much even before the accident. His doctor is pretty adamant about James living in a stress-free environment right now. Soooo, there was talk today that maybe it'd be best for Julia to continue her detox away from James in my apartment with Paul. James's sisters will take turns sleeping at his house to care for him, and during the days, he will go to his mom's where the hired nurse and sisters spend most of their days. 

It was Ashley who called me up to voice this possibility, and as much as I should probably be mad at them for even thinking this, they are all right. James is still healing, and they love and want to protect their only brother. He had a seizure on the plane during his 11-hour flight home, which can happen, but it threw up a red flag for the Gallo girls.

He needs a stress-free life right now, and Julia is anything but stress-free right now.

Julia knows nothing about this plan yet. 

There's a fine line between Julia's health and well-being by telling her to focus on her detox away from James and Julia taking this the wrong way, thinking we are all giving up on her. Which we most certainly are not.

I have a feeling the line will be blurred in her eyes, and she's going to have a meltdown when she hears this potential plan. She feels needed when she cares for James. She has a purpose. Taking that away from her is going to be devastating. But right now, she needs to take care of herself first before she can focus on anyone else.

That's the reality. That's where we are at right now. Where they are at right now.

*******

*Julia*

"I don't want to be here, Paul. Can we just go home?" I've had the IV in for over an hour. I just want to go back to James's house and be with him now. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine." Jeremy comes in and answers before Paul even lifts his eyes from his phone. He's probably texting Nate for all I know. Hearing Nate's voice this morning only made me miss him more and want him here with me. I can't go months feeling like this. I need to separate myself so Paul better not pull a stunt like that again.

"Julia, you are severely dehydrated. I know you are in the beginning stages of detox, but this was more than that, wasn't it? You stopped taking care of yourself when you came home.

"Give me a few Ativan and I'll take care of myself just fine." I lay on my side facing the wall, ready to rip this IV out.

"There's the detox patient we all know and love." Jeremy snorts, and I hear him drag a chair over. I also hear Paul shuffle around now being fully attentive with Donovan in the room.

"Listen, Julia. You're struggling right now -"

"No shit." I deadpan, trying to block out Jeremy's voice.

"As I was saying.... you're struggling, but you're only going to make things that much harder if you don't start taking care of yourself. When I first met you, you told me you were a runner, enjoyed going to Griffith Park, and being outside. You enjoyed reading..." He starts, but I cut him off quickly.

"I enjoyed a lot of things before you -"

"JULIA!" Paul stops me. I squeeze my eyes tight and hear Jeremy inhale sharply.

"You need to start getting back into doing the things you love.  You can sit outside near the garden even with your IV in. Why don't you get some fresh air? Maybe it will help get your mind off your addiction."

"My mind isn't on my ADDICTION when I come here, asshole. It's on you. It's on my safety. It's on-"

"Watch what you say, Moretti." Paul chimes in again, and I huff.

"Never mind. No. I don't want to go outside and sit by a friggen garden. I want to go home and be with my best friend. I need to go help James."

"You haven't told her?" Jeremy's eyes are on Paul.

Told me.... Told me what?? 

I flip over and sit up now. "What do you need to tell me, Paul?"

Paul glares at Jeremy for a second, apparently not ready to talk, but then looks at me, and his eyes change. He's sympathetic. Jeremy is sharing the same look. Why?  What the hell is going on?

"It's not set in stone yet, so don't go freaking out or crying. I don't do crying."

"Yeah, we know. Spill it, Paul." I say impatiently.

There's a pause where Paul just stares at the floor, trying to come up with the words to say whatever the hell he needs to say.

"Listen, we think it would be a good idea for you to detox at Nate's place. I'll be with you."

"Why? James loves being home. He finally gets to sleep in his own bed and...." My words trail off when I realize what is happening. A hard lump forms in my throat and my nose and eyes sting when tears build up. "Oh."  I choke on my words. "James doesn't want me staying at his house anymore? I'm too stressful to be around." My words barely come out as I lay back down facing the wall. I stare at the light sage color, feeling my bottom lip quiver as sadness fills my entire body.

So that's it. I'm on my own, aren't I? Every single person I love is giving up on me.

 I don't blame James for not wanting me around. I don't even want me around.

"Julia, what are you thinking right now?" Jeremy goes into doctor mode now that I'm quiet and turned towards the wall.

"I'm really tired right now. Can you just go?" My voice cracks, and I can barely croak my words out in between my tears. I close my eyes and curl up with the blanket.

"You're shutting down."

"Jeremy. Leave." I warn, but he won't budge. 

"Julia...."

I've had it. I've had it with this day. I've had it with people abandoning me because I'm a difficult person. Anger replaces my hurt feelings, and I take it out on Jeremy. I jump out of the bed, making both Jeremy and Paul flinch, and tear my IV out of my hand before lunging at Jeremy and pushing him in the chest. I don't care how tall he is in comparison. I can reach his chest, at least.

"I said GET OUT!" I continue to push him, but Jeremy is solid and barely budges.

"Julia! Knock it off." Paul is already in between us and purposely grabs my upper arms instead of my wrists this time. He remembered my trigger.

"Remember where you are." He whispers in my ear and pulls me away, sitting me back on the bed. I'm flustered and crying and mad, but none of it phased Jeremy like I need it to.

"I hate you!" I move my head to the side so I can see Jeremy as Paul contains me. "I hate you so much!"

*****

*Nate*

Tossing and turning in my bunk is pretty much all I've been doing. I decide it's just not working out for me. Fortunately, I don't have another concert for two days once we're in Milan, so if I want to sleep in later, I can. Sure as hell not going to go sightseeing now. Trisha can take Jonah and Casey if they want.

I make myself a cup of tea, grab my phone and a blanket, and head outside to the small deck that pulls out of the tour bus with an awning. It's fairly cold here, but I don't mind. Five minutes later the door opens.

"Can't sleep?"

"Shit!" I almost spill my tea all over myself. I turn to see Jonah coming down the steps. Of course it's Jonah. He never sleeps. But I ask anyway.

"Why are you awake?"

"I slept a solid five. I'm good." Jonah faces me wearing grey sweatpants and a black hoodie and leans his back on the railing now, folding his arms over his chest. "But why are you awake??"

"Just worried about Julia. She's not doing well." 

I have come to the conclusion that I really haven't been good with updating Jonah when it comes to Julia and wonder if maybe Paul has, because Jonah doesn't show a hint of surprise. Then again, I'm always worried about Julia, so that's nothing new.

"Are they going to keep her overnight at the Avalon?" He asks. I guess Paul HAS been keeping him posted.

"I think so, yeah. I'm more worried about how she is going to handle not being around James." I put my cup of tea down and get myself situated on the outdoor patio couch. Apparently, Paul kept his updates with Jonah strictly medical because he currently has a look of confusion on his face.

"James? What do you mean?"

"Julia is too much for him to be around. At least right now while she's detoxing. He isn't used to being the one to take care of her when she shuts down. It's always been me."

I go on to explain the potential plan of Paul and Julia staying in my apartment, at least while she is going through withdrawals, and James to be cared for by his sisters and nurse Claudia. There are plenty of Gallo girls to go around and take turns staying the night at his house, or he has the option to sleep at his mother's with Katie and Kendall. I pay Claudia to come daily Monday-Friday from seven in the morning until seven at night. It's longer than what most nurses do if they aren't live-in nurses, but Claudia is happy with her pay and good at her job. 

I can tell already that Jonah has concerns about this idea.

"I get it. Believe me, I do. And I know we have to take James's health into consideration as well as Julia's..." The nurse pauses." But take away the one thing that gives Julia a purpose. The one thing that gives her a reason to wake up every day and she's going to go downhill fast."

"I don't know what to do here, Jonah. It's out of my hands. The girls are concerned about their brother's health and stress level, and I can't blame them. I know how Julia is. I also know she's probably ten times worse because there's no one to help her. Paul can only do so much. He's not gonna go and curl up with her and hold her when she cries, I can guarantee that much. That's not his job. But he's trying his best. Everyone is."

I rake my hands through my hair in frustration, not having an answer. I feel like I am failing Julia AND James right now.

"When do you have the three weeks off to go home and be with her?" Jonah asks, and I pull up the text message Trisha sent me with some of the info for the first leg of tour.

"Not for a while. We have Milan next, then Madrid, Spain." I read from my phone. "After that, we have three days off till we head to Amsterdam. I have two back-to-back concert nights there. That ends the first leg of our tour. So if all goes as planned, not for two weeks. Then I'll have a few weeks off before we go to Australia."

"Australia! Wow! I've always wanted to go to Australia!!" Excitement rises in Jonah.

"Good cuz we spend a whole week there with three concerts scheduled. We'll have plenty of time to sight see and.." I stop talking and look away with a frown. All these plans I had for Julia flushed down the toilet. I'm starting to fall into a depression, and I know it. I think Jonah can tell as well.

"Hey." He starts. "You know you can always talk to me...about anything, right?" It's like the guy can read my mind, which is a little creepy. That or I'm just giving off a depressed aura. 

"I just.... I don't know. This should be an exciting time for us. But I'm not feeling it, ya know?  I can't believe Julia isn't here with me."

"Give it some time. Maybe that will help. Maybe once she's back on her feet, things will get better, and she can join you. There's always that hope. She may be missing out now, but her health comes first. I think you did the right thing having her go back and focus on herself. I just hope this thing with James doesn't backfire on her and bring her down even further."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

******

*Julia*

"She really is a feisty one. You've got your work cut out for ya." I hear Michael Maloney say in passing. Of course, he'd be the one to see me go crazy towards Jeremy. He doesn't even KNOW me. Why the hell does he keep lingering near my room?

"You need to control yourself in here, Julia." Paul seems a little nervous for me. I continue to lay in my little bed facing the wall and pay no attention to anyone in the room. Or lingering outside the room.

"She doesn't know how to control it right now. Don't take anything she does or say personally." Why is Jeremy cutting me slack?

"Take it personally." I sneer and hear Michael laugh. 

"She gonna spend the night or..."  Oh God, Cara is out there now, too? Of all the hundreds of people in this facility, she has to come around my room right now? Seriously?

"I believe it would be in her best interest to be monitored throughout the night." Jeremy says. Is that what they call what he does in the middle of the night now, Monitoring? Ok... 

The nurse comes in to administer another IV. I don't bother moving to make things easier for her. I lay on my side, curled up, and she has to practically reach over me to get my hand. I have no choice but to sniff so I can breathe, but now it's known I'm a silent crying mess.

 "We're going to get you back on your feet, Julia. Mr. Rossi, can I have a moment of your time out in the hall?" I hear shuffling, and then the door closes, leaving me here alone. That's when I finally let out a pathetic sob while facing the wall. The kind of sob that hurts. Because my heart hurts hearing James doesn't want me around him. I feel like I'm losing everyone I care about.

I'm trembling and in need of more Ativan, knowing I'm not getting any, which isn't helping matters at all. My symptoms of shaking and muscle pain and feeling like I can't warm my body up continue, and I'm all worked up. My bipolar is out of control, and I'm aware of it. On top of it all, I have a fricken fever and can barely pee without it stinging thanks to not taking care of myself. I'm so over this.

All of it.

But Paul is right. I can't be having these mood swings here. Not here. That's all I need is for Dr. Cohen to see this or Jeremy change his tune and take over things to make my life a living hell. The last time I felt this out of control was...... was when I shut down because of Mila and Nate and Nate's drinking... when I had the UTI. Is this gonna happen every time now?

A good half hour goes by of me being left alone in my room with my thoughts. I have no clue where Paul is, but Jeremy isn't here either, so I'm fine. I don't even know where the hell my nurse is. I don't care. I lay here and cry until there's no more tears left. I can tell already my eyes and lips are swollen, and my face is probably blotchy now, too. I'm sure to be a sight for sore eyes. 

When the door opens, I cringe and close my eyes tight. I really don't have patience for Jeremy today and feel bad I'm giving Paul a hard time, but....

"Julia..."

The second I hear the voice, I bolt up, sobbing and all.

"James!"

Within seconds, the door is closed, and James is holding me in his arms while sitting on the bed.

"What are you doing here??" I asked with my face buried in his chest, still sobbing up a storm. I'm a mess. 

"Nate called me. Well....Nate called Kendall, knowing I'd be with one of them. I guess Paul has been updating him and was worried about you. Listen, sweetie..." He starts, but I cut him off right away.

"You don't want me around you? Or in your house anymore? I'm too much?" I question and look up to see those Efron blue eyes.

"Julia, you're overthinking it. Of course I want you around me. I want you with me 24/7. You know that. I want your clothes in my dresser and toothbrush next to mine. That's not what this is. I need you to focus on your detox. The only real way for you to do that is to focus on YOU. Not me, not Nate. No one but you. Babe, you ARE a lot. You know that. I can handle "a lot."  What I can't handle is seeing you giving up and not taking care of yourself. I can't handle it when you spiral out of control. And that's what's happening right now. You stopped taking care of you, you got another UTI, which is throwing your moods off just like it does with my mom with her dementia."

I listen but cry at the same time.  Because James is right.  It still hurts to hear, but he is right. James tucks my hair behind my ears and cups my face. I notice he is getting better with that with his coordination and doesn't fumble as much. Then... he kisses my lips. It's the sweetest kind of kiss that makes your whole body warm up and tingle. The kiss that lets me know he's not abandoning me. He just knows his limits and can handle so much. I need to get better so James is comfortable around me again.

He pecks my lips over and over again while whispering to me. "You know I won't be able to back away first. You know I won't be the one to stop." 

I wrap my arms around him and continue kissing him, not thinking about anything but this moment.

"I don't think that's what Hollan meant when he called you to come here, Gallo." Paul grumbles as he comes into the room. James smiles into our kiss, and I back away.

"Are we good?" James asks, still holding me in his arms.

"Yeah, we're good."

********

*Nate*

I had to do something. I had to call Gallo and tell him to march his ass over to The Avalon to be with Jules. I can't stand hearing she's not well. He needs to explain to her that he's not giving up on her. She needs to hear it from him in person.

So yes, I tracked the guy down, and yes, I told him to get his ass over there and fix things. And no. I don't care when Paul told me they were sucking face after. It's James. It just doesn't bother me anymore. What bothers me is Julia feeling hopeless and like she's all alone in this because she's not. We just need to get her detoxed and living again.

"Even miles and miles away, you have a way of sending her right into Gallo's arms, huh?" Jonah teases me as we eat a late lunch.  Trisha took him and Casey out for the morning to sight see around Munich, and now we are in some authentic German restaurant where the only thing I'm comfortable ordering is a salad. These authentic places are fun to some, but I'm a picky eater. Trisha always pokes fun at me for that.

I accidentally drop a piece of lettuce and look down thinking Maggie will eat it off the floor. I frown when I remember she isn't here. I actually became attached to that damn dog, didn't I?

"I rather her in Gallo's arms than Donovan's. And anyway, I needed to make sure she knew this wasn't something personal. I don't want her to think she lost her best friend. That happened once before, and it wasn't pretty. I'll do anything to make sure Julia is happy.

"So before everything went down, I had booked a spa day the first day in Milan for all of us. A couples one for you and Jonah," Trisha turns to Casey and then to me. "And I did a couples one for you and Julia...  Do you want me to cancel yours or .. what do you want me to do?" Trisha says in an awkward manner. She made most of these plans including Julia, and now that Julia isn't here, she doesn't know how to navigate around these changes.

"You go. Take Evan. You guys go and enjoy it."

"No, sir. I don't do spa days." The bodyguard says with a mouthful of food and immediately shakes his head. I know it's not happening. He looks like he may throw up. He really is like Paul with some things.

"Seriously, man?" I cock a brow at Evan. "Not even for a massage?"

"I don't like being touched." He grumbles in his husky voice. Fine. Go build a fire in the wilderness or whatever the hell you do, Mr. L.L. Bean model, I think to myself.

"Ok, I'll go with you Trish." I huff.

"Even though it's a couples spa day?" Trisha seems a little surprised.

"Whatever. We've slept together. It's fine." I smirk with no filter to me, and I swear Evan may need the Heimlich maneuver from choking on his food. He coughs multiple times and punches his chest before taking a sip of water and swallowing. Everyone at the table is laughing now except for Evan.

"Paul told me a lot of crazy things about this group but he didn't tell me that." Evan keeps his eyes down on his meal while talking.

"Oh please, Paul is one to talk. We've slept togeth..er....too." Trisha's words are dragged when she suddenly remembers none of us knew this piece of information.

"You and Paul?!?" My voice is a little louder than it should be in this restaurant and my eyes bug out of my head. Paul did NOT share this information with me that sneaky bastard! No wonder Trisha seemed upset saying goodbye.

"No shit... So have you slept with him too?" Evan points his fork to Jonah; the last one standing and Jonah puts his hands up and looks at Casey. 

"Leave me out of this! I am not part of whatever weird love triangle, rectangle, hexagon shit they got going." Jonah blurts out.

"Ahh. I didn't know if I had a chance in this game." Evan gives Trisha a little wink and her face is now three shades redder. "Relax. I'm kidding."

Ok so Evan Scolfield is getting a little comfortable around us now. Maybe he's not a cardboard box after all.

I smirk while thinking that right before a shooting pain bolts through my chest, making me drop my fork and wince from the pain.

"Nate?" Trisha noticed right away before everyone else.

"I'm fine. Just a little..."I breathe out. "Friendly reminder..." I manage to say, now breathing heavily. "Shit."

"Maybe we should head out now. You need to get some rest." Jonah shares a look with Casey. The look of concern. They are worried. But I agree and nod.

"Yeah... I think I'm a little tired." I admit, knowing my body is making me aware I'm not resting nearly enough as my heart needs me to.

******

Once back at the hotel for the night I can't help but bring Paul up again. Mainly because I rather talk about that than Trisha talk about my bum heart. I laid down for about an hour while Trish got some work done on her laptop and rested for a while. But my mind gravitates to the frequent spasms I'm getting. They are happening more and more. 

 Trisha is in the shower when I walk into the bathroom to take a piss, not caring that the shower glass is see-through.

"I can't believe you slept with Rossi." I say mid piss, trying to get my mind off my health.

"You know this suite has another bathroom, right Nate?" She pays no attention to me and continues to shave her legs. I look at her briefly in the mirror and feel my dick come to life a little. God, she has long legs.

"Yeah, I purposely came in here to piss you off a little." I smile at myself.

"I'm not sure what I said was public info. It just slipped out." Trisha continues showering. I continue checking her out in the mirror while washing my hands.

"So, like... just one time or something?" I dig deeper.

"No."

"Ok spill it Banks." I open the shower door on her and she gives me a little smirk.

"I'm trying to take a shower here...unless you're coming in then close the door."

"Angel, if I come in there it won't be to shower." I flirt but close the door.

"So tell me, Mr. Hollan. You just gonna go weeks and weeks, maybe months without any action because you think you may have a chance with Julia? Is that what's happening right now?" Trisha opens the door again and eyes me. I swallow hard.

"Answer my question first. You and Paul...."

"We were in a relationship for a little while. Now we're not but still fool around sometimes, happy? Now Moretti ruined my booty call while on tour, dragging him back with her."

"You were in a relationship with Paul Rossi???? When?!"

"You're letting all the steam out...."

"Fine." I pull my shirt over my head and waste no time getting undressed. The second I step into the shower and close the door, I push Trisha against the wall and kiss her feverishly. That familiar tingling came back and was building up fast as we make out in the steamy shower.  "Now talk."

"You sure you want me to talk right now?" Trisha kisses down my chest and abs until she is on her knees.  Jesus Christ. Without any hesitation, she takes me in her mouth, deep down her throat as far as she can go without gagging too much. My hand gripped her hair as I let out a frustrated groan.

"Hey, slow down." I tug her hair back. "It's been a while." I admit. I haven't so much as even jacked myself off since Julia left. I've been too depressed and tired after concerts and traveling so right now I'm hard as rock and ready to explode if Trisha keeps at it at this pace.

She pulls back slowly, watching with satisfaction when I drop my head back against the shower wall from the sensation.

"Fuck." I hiss through my teeth when she swallows me whole again. "You're gonna drive me insane."

"Mmm-hmm," Trisha hummed in response and my knees practically buckled. I moan and lean heavily against the wall as I look down at her, panting. God she's a sight. Wet, naked, down on her knees with me halfway down her throat, her eyes locked with mine as she pulls back and swallows me down her throat again and again. I'm unable to look away but I'm also getting close. Too close.

"Trish..." I give her another warning thar I'm about to lose control. She backs away and stands up.

"Nate.... I want to make you feel good. All this stress you're carrying around..." She begins, now talking seriously. "All this shit that is out of your control.... it's eating you up inside. Your blood pressure has been through the roof, you're barely sleeping." Trisha wraps her arms around my neck. "I'm not ready to bury you yet, Playboy." 

Trisha sniffs and even with the shower running, I can see her tears. She's nervous about my health.

"Hey, look at me. I'm not going anywhere, ok? I'm doing everything right." I remind her.

 There really is nothing more I can do. When my time comes... it comes. I can't control it any more than anyone else. But yes, it IS scary and yes...I wonder if I will make it another year. It's something that runs through my head often. These painful little jabs to my heart are little reminders of what I can't control.

"Let me take away some of your stress." Trish slides back down to her knees and her lips wrap around me again.

She pulls me out and gazes up at me. "Go ahead... you can... I know you like that." She says and I swallow hard. I know exactly what she means, and she does know I like 'that'.... but now I'm almost afraid to after going overboard with Julia.  I look down and run my fingers through her wet hair and then my grip tightens. But I'm still cautious.

 "Nate..." Trisha takes me in her mouth and grabs my ass with both hands, pulling me in all the way. 

Holy shit. I press my hand against the back of her head and begin thrusting into her mouth. I swear my eyes rolled back into my head as I shoved myself down her throat, making her gag slightly. She keeps her hands on my ass, pulling me in more, letting me know this is ok. An animalistic low groan escapes me, and I don't hold back now. Again and again, I thrust myself deep down her throat, causing a series of choking and gagging sounds.

 My vision is hazy from ecstasy, but I keep my eyes on Trisha. Every little gag and cough sent pools of saliva pouring down her neck and breasts as tears run down her face. I know the tears are normal and not from me doing anything to hurt her. All the repeated, involuntary gagging naturally brought tears to her eyes which happens every time she lets me do this.

 I pull out for a moment to make sure she can get enough air before I'm down her throat again. All my muscles are clenched tight, and my breathing is now labored and ragged as I lose my self completely. I slam into her multiple times before I pull myself out of her throat again so she can breathe. A deep, pleasure filled moan comes out of me when I hit my high and shoot out suddenly, again and again, on her face.

"Fuck..." I hiss again, while finishing on her lips. I'm breathing heavy while watching it drip down her face landing on her bare thighs. Trisha turns towards the water while still on her knees and rinses her face before standing.

"See? Stress relief right there." She smirks up at me and grabs the soap.

"Jesus.." I breathe out, trying to recover from that. 

"You can't go all tour without any relief, Nate. THAT will kill you for sure. But next time it's my turn."

I make her next time right now, getting her off with my hand, pushing her against the wall and making her squirm till she can't take it anymore.

That's what friends are for.

*****