*Nate*

33-year-old Evan Scolfield, my new bodyguard, is a tall, rugged looking man with brown hair and green eyes. He's big and built like Paul. Unlike the stubble James and I have, Evan has a perfectly trimmed, clean-cut beard and looks like he should be an L.L. Bean model. Trisha and Casey are already drooling, and both Jonah and I give each other a look and roll our eyes

Evan walks down the terminal of the airport wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and work boots being a single leather overnight bag. He got off one long flight to now have to go straight to our flight, but he doesn't show even an ounce of weariness.

"Mr. Hollan, sir. Evan Scolfield." The man says in a deep voice and shakes my hand.

"Nate is fine. Paul recommended you and had nothing but good things to say about you." I say as we begin to walk towards the door.  I introduce Trisha, Casey, and Jonah while walking.

We are at a private terminal away from the crowd right now, but the second we open that door, we will be out in public, in a normal busy airport. Two police officers will accompany me to our terminal, but I'm sure once people see me, it will be a zoo. The only thing I can hope for is that no one recognizes me during the flight.

Technically, I'm supposed to have four bodyguards at all times for security. This is known as the Quartet Formation. But over the past year or two, I've decided to just have Paul.  Obviously, at venues, hospitals, and signing events, I have more, but for personal bodyguards, Paul is all I need.

"I have my suits being sent to the hotel in Denmark and will change once we are checked in, sir." Evan declares, and I wonder how the hell he pulled that one off since this is so last minute.  But for all I know, he has hired help that shipped the garments overnight or had suits purchased in Denmark.  The man is walking money, like myself.  He will never have to worry about his finances for the rest of his life with the jobs and celebrity clientele he has.

"You really don't have to be formal with me, mate, and are only required to wear the suits during events and concerts. To be honest, I don't care what you wear, but I know your company has strict policies."

"They do, yes, sir."

I stop walking and turn to the man.

"Knock it off with the sir. That's my father and he's fucking dead."

"Nate!" Trisha looks appalled. "Sorry, Evan. It's been a bit of a rough day, and this fucktard is being rude." She side eyes me and the bodyguard breaks into laughter hearing Trisha's trucker-mouth come out.

"Yes, Paul Rossi has updated me on the situation. We talk frequently and I consider him a friend.  Miss Moretti is in good hands, sir...um..Nate."

"Much better."

I have heard Paul talk about his friend Evan in the industry over the years but never personally met the bloke until today. I'm not surprised Paul gave him the run down on my... life...

"Ready boss?" Evan pauses until I answer before opening the door. I pull my baseball cap down a little further and nod.

"Ready."
******

*Julia*

I've only been on the flight for an hour and already getting antsy. I was given my regular four-hour dose of Ativan while in the hospital with the agreement of me returning to The Avalon to detox.

But I still have two hours before Paul will administer my next dose, and the panic is setting in.

Once again, James suffered a headache during take-off and is now sleeping in his recliner while Maggie is laying on the couch with me. Fortunately, after this 11-hour flight he'll never have to fly again in his life if he doesn't want to. We're going home.

"How much longer, Paul?" I fidget with my hands.

"Until we land??" Paul lowers his newspaper. Tell me again this man is only like, 45 years old? Paul is the only human under the age of 65 who religiously reads the newspaper.

"No. Until my next dose." I know exactly how long. Two hours and eleven minutes. Addicts keep track of shit like that but I'm hoping Paul has forgotten and say it's sooner.

I watch him look down at his phone for a second. "Two hours and eleven minutes left before your next dose, Moretti."

I squint my eyes at him. "Did you seriously set a timer for this?"

"Yes, ma'am." He scoffs with a bit of sarcasm that was rewarded with me flipping him off. Paul just shrugs it off and laughs. But he also sees me begin to feel the addiction. My forehead glistens with sweat. My hands are shaky and I'm breathing a little heavier feeling. I bounce my knee nervously and am on the brink of tears......again......

"Find something to do, Julia. Don't think about it."

"Yeah, easy for you to say." I drag my hands down my face and tighten my ponytail while looking around the plane. There's a shelf with a bunch of books lined up. Trisha is the only one who reads. I've never seen Nate actually sit down and invest the time in a novel. He rather strum his guitar instead. I kneel down and scan through the books before finding one I may like. When I sit back down, Paul lifts his newspaper back up and continues on.

But my hands are too shaky. I try to flip to page 1 and fumble like James would. Tears rim my eyes. I silently attempt to read the first chapter, but my eyes are blurry. I need another pill.  When it's time to flip the page my hand won't cooperate, like I have arthritis or something, and I accidentally tear the page of Trisha's book a little.

That's all it took. Embarrassment along with the needs to feel the relief settle in and I silently start to cry. I try not to make any noise, but I have no choice but to sniffle with my now runny nose.

"Julia..." Paul puts his paper down and studies my face.

"I can't even read a damn book." I raise a hand to show him how it shakes and then throw the book across the aircraft, dropping my head into my hands. The worst part of it all?? Maggie doesn't even flinch at my outbursts anymore. She has gotten used to it and I hate that. Just thinking about it and how James is always so calm in comparison makes my emotions pour out of me.

"I had a feeling this would happen." Paul turns around to reach the iPad on the shelf and hands it to me. I furrow my eyebrows at it and then look up at Paul. I have no idea what he is telling me to do with Nate's iPad that was left here.

"Go ahead. Click on the first link." He leans over me and points to the small icon. "Jeremy sent this shit to Nate for when different things happen. To guide you or something."

I look at Paul like he has two heads and limbs coming out of his ears but click on the icon. Jeremy made a video and sent it to Nate for me. He must have done it while I was in the hospital because the background is his apartment, and he is clearly still congested and sick with the flu.

"Hey, Julia. You're starting to feel your symptoms right now. Probably not even two hours in and feeling like shit, correct?" He says in the video. How would he know I would feel this so early?

"I'm going to guide you through something called "Urge Surfing", ok? Just stay with me and do these steps and trust me, you will start to feel a little better."

I look up at Paul sarcastically. "You've got to be kidding me..."

"Do what he says, Moretti." The newspaper goes back up and I lose Paul once again.

"Step one. Notice how you're experiencing your addiction. Your craving. Make sure you are sitting on a chair with your feet flat on the floor and your hands in a relaxed position. I know it may be difficult. Your hands are probably shaking by now."

I do what Jeremy says.  I feel silly at first. Closing my eyes, taking deep breaths. whispering where I feel my craving.... because I feel it everywhere. In my joints, in my muscles... What parts of my body feel hot, cold, tingly or numb, and if my muscles are tense. "My mouth feels dry." I whisper to myself. "My lips feel numb, my fingertips have pins and needles. I'm sweating. I'm crying." I whisper to myself with my eyes still closed.

Jeremy has me go through a series of steps, focusing on each part of my body that is affected by my addiction. It takes almost a full half hour and when it's over he tells me to open my eyes, and the video is done.

I look around the cabin. Not only do I feel a little calmer, but I'm also no longer crying and wasted a half hour of time. It worked. That bastard helped me. Even though I'm miles up in the air, time changes apart from him, Jeremy calmed me down.

I hate that it worked.

*****

*Nate*

It didn't take long for people to find out Nate Hollan was on their flight and once we landed in Denmark it was noted Julia Moretti was not with me. I'm all over Twitter already. It just comes with the lifestyle, and I am used to never having privacy, so I don't let it get to me. But Julia isn't used to it and this stuff fucks with her head.

"Right this way, sir. A car is waiting for you to drive you to the hotel."  Evan says, keeping his hand on my back to walk me through the airport. Two police officers are in front of me and two guards behind me. Trisha, Jonah and Casey leisurely walk a few feet behind me.

It's a zoo and for once, I'm relieved Jules doesn't have to deal with this. She gets anxious when people get all up in her face whereas I smile into the camera and fake it till I make it. And I make it. The driver waits for us in a tinted window black Escalade in a private lot. No one talks until we are in the SUV. There was no time to talk. We were rushed through the airport quickly.

Evan opens my door first and makes sure I'm safety in before the others pile into the vehicle. Then Evan sits in the front seat and listens as Trisha opens her binder to go over the agenda.

"Ok." She reads. "We're going to check into the hotel first. Nate's room is catered for lunch and then have a little free time to shower and rest before the concert. Your wardrobe is already in the dressing room at the stadium and Holly's flight lands an hour before the concert, so you need to be there waiting for her. There's no wiggle room on time. Soundcheck is at five, Holly at six, on the stage by seven thirty."

"This feels so weird." Casey says while looking out the window watching a few snow flurries start.

"What does, Case?" Jonah asks.

"Not having everyone with us. Julia, James, Paul.... the dog." 

Oh God, here we go. Mini Julia looks out the window feeling a little sad and Jonah holds her hand.

"Yeah, it feels..... calm." Trisha snorts and I shake my head. 

"Too soon, Trish..." I say seriously. She knows I'm struggling with this. Not really the time to crack jokes.

"It'll take a little time to get used to but we WILL get used to it and she's in the right place... or... on her way." Jonah comforts mini-Julia but I feel this vacant space in my heart right now.

"Um.... so, for the hotel. I wasn't sure what to do... " Trisha says cautiously, getting my attention. "Usually, I stay with you. But then when Julia was here... I stayed with the bodyguard. I wasn't sure how many rooms to book."

Right. Trisha DOES usually stay with me as my personal assistant but since Julia was with me, she stayed with Paul. She doesn't know Evan though. That would be awkward. and I don't want for her to have to be alone if she doesn't want to. That would suck too.

"Jonah and Casey in one room. Evan in the adjoining room next to mine and you can stay with me like we used to if you don't want to be all by yourself." A look of relief washes over Trisha. Even though she lives in an apartment by herself.... she is never alone. I don't think she ever liked living alone. She was always at my place constantly and then with the Dave shit went down she had Paul with her. So, I get it. 

But Casey is right. This all feels so weird without the rest of the group. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Faking a show to get through the day. To get through the concert.  Just putting on a show but not really feeling it.

******

*Julia*

"Moretti. Eat." Paul is right on me like Jonah and Nate would be. The caterers stocked us up with food for lunch and the flight attendant, Brent, sets it all up. But I'm nauseous and only have a half hour to go before I get my much-needed dose. I need to have an empty stomach.

 I slide into the booth after plating food for me and James and Paul slides in across from me.

But then... Maggie starts barking.

Number six hit James hard. His 6th seizure has him fall to the ground and convulsing in seconds.

"Oh my God!" I scramble out of the booth just like Paul and the flight attendant quickly positions James on his side to keep his airway clear.  Brent holds James in position while looking at his watch to keep time. This one lasted longer than the others. A full minute and a half. 

When James comes to, he is confused and disoriented, but Maggie stops barking and begins to lick his face.

"You're ok, sir." Brent sits James up as James looks around and holds his forehead. I'm fricken hysterical because seeing this happen to my best friend is always hard to swallow and having it happen so abruptly out of nowhere freaks me out even more. Paul and Brent are completely calm though.

"Hollan made sure you were trained in this, didn't he?" Paul says to the flight attendant who nods.

"It was the main requirement that set me apart from the other flight attendants wanting this job. My sister-in-law has seizures and our whole family is trained well."

Nate made sure the staff was trained to help James. He thought of James. He took care of James. He always goes above and beyond for everyone. I frown, now missing Nate even more.

"Sir, you had a seizure." The flight attendant says, and James drops his head in defeat. Then he notices his wet pants and looks up at me. "Sorry... I..I"

"Are you seriously still apologizing for what happens when you have a seizure??" I shake my head and help James up. "C'mon. I'll get you cleaned up."

I walk James to Nate's private room where our suitcases are and close the door for privacy. James is visibly upset and crying. He had just woken up from his nap and had a full bladder before his seizure. He's soaked. I peel off his sweatpants, underwear and socks and put them in the small bathroom sink to wash later. But James needs a shower. This isn't just a little loss of bladder control. This is a mess. He's already embarrassed so I make light of it.

"Shower with me." I flirt, though James knows right now my heart is in pieces being away from Nate and my addiction is getting the best of me until I get my next dose. But James also knows he needs a shower so nods.

 Once undressed I walk in the shower, holding on to James's arm to make sure he is steady and begin to wash him up.

"The neurologist said this might happen, remember? Having a seizure on the plane like that. The longer the flight the higher the risk." I lean down and wash his legs. For once, James doesn't have an erection while taking a shower with me. He's too distraught and still a bit out of it. "Dr. Giovanni said seizures are expected in response to hypoxia episodes caused by low oxygen levels in the cabin. What did he say? Something about longer flights disrupt biological rhythms or something like that?" I try to remember and James nods. He holds on to the wall to steady himself a little and closes his eyes. 

"I hate being like this." He admits. It's rare for James to fall into his self-pity mode but it DOES happen from time to time. He's usually always upbeat and positive.

"Oh no you don't." I tease. "We can't have both of us depressed and hating our lives. We need to take turns. It's still my turn."

"It's always your turn though." James is back. He laughs and jokes around and I sigh in relief.

"Yeah, yeah yeah." I accidentally fumble and drop the soap with my shaky hands. "Sorry."

"Now who's apologizing when they shouldn't be? Hmm?" He says to make me laugh. Because he's James. It's just what he does.

I sigh and look up at James and my mouth curves into the slightest smile. "I think that's the first time I've laughed since...you know..."  My smile fades and my tears well up.

He knows. 

Since I overdosed on drugs a few days ago and needed my stomach pumped. James rounds his back and hugs me. "We're gonna be ok, babe. Both of us."

How did he manage to turn this around and console me? I should be consoling him! 

Because he's James.

*******

*Nate*

"Ok, I know I said the last concert was your best yet, but I changed my mind." Leslie smiles brightly as I come off the stage into the rec room set up for us all. "This was your best one by far!"

"Thanks Les." I give her a quick nod and head over to the catering area to grab a bottle of water. I don't know how she thought that was my best concert. I did all the things, I sang all the songs, but I felt lifeless. I was putting on a show and that's it. My heart wasn't in it tonight and I wonder if the fans noticed. I'm in a fog.

The room fills up fast and for a moment, I find myself searching for James or Julia. Right.... They're not here. I told Paul to update me when he could. I made sure my private jet was all set up with wi-fi. So long as Paul texts me either on iMessage, Facebook Messenger, or WhatsApp it will go through. I quickly head to the dressing room, with Evan on my tail, to shower and retrieve my phone. As much as I want to check my phone right away. I don't. Because I know I will be consumed by it and not shower, and time is limited.

I wash up quick, throw on clothes and don't bother with styling my hair. I'm just going to bed. Evan is a replica of Paul. He is sitting on the chair scrolling through his phone. I
 grab mine and scroll through a ton of messages until I find Paul's update.

[Rough start but everyone is good now. Julia had a minor meltdown but is almost at the 4-hour mark for her next dose. James had a seizure but thanks to you, the staff was trained, and he is completely fine. A little shaken up but fine.]

"Shit." I say while reading Paul's message. Evan doesn't look up from his phone and keeps to himself like a normal bodyguard does. I kinda miss Paulie too, now. He isn't a man of many words, but he wasn't a fucking mute either.

I'm not sure what time it is but I text back anyway.

[Thanks for the update. Tell Julia to text me when she can to say hi.]

Crickets. Maybe they are sleeping.

******

*Julia*

"I can't give you the medicine if you are throwing up." Paul says. "We have to wait for it to pass or you are just going to throw up the Ativan and then really be in trouble."

I'm still in the shower. The water is now cold. I freaked James out by getting sick and he quickly grabbed a towel for me to wrap around my body and then one for himself which I had to help him with, before getting Paul's attention. Because not only did me getting sick freak James out... he can't dress himself and needs someone to help him. It just makes me feel worse about myself that I am having Paul take over. He's had to help James before so it's that big of a deal but still...it should be me.

Paul helps James get dressed first while I'm heaving in the shower, barely holding on to my towel. At this point I don't even care what he sees. I'm sure I'd regret saying that later, but right now I'm too sick to care.

I don't want Paul here though. I want Nate.

"I can't stop dry heaving! I need my med!" I cry into the cold water holding on to my now sopping wet towel. Paul isn't in the shower, but he might as well be by how wet his clothes are getting while he holds my arm. I hunch over and begin another round of heaving up nothing but bile. How attractive.

"It'll pass. Once it does, I will give you your pill. Then you will start to calm down, ok? Just try to take deep breaths."

But I'm crying too hard.

"Julia. Look at me." Paul demands in a bit of a stern voice. "I've got ya, ok?" He squeezes my arm a little bringing me back to the here and now. "This will pass. We know it will. Don't look down at the drain. Look at me."

I nod and look at him. We stay staring at each other just like we would at the Avalon. 

"You're ok. Focus on me. Focus on your breathing. I've got you. Eyes on me." He holds my towel up for me, so he doesn't see anything and continues to breath with me.

Son of a gun it worked. My muscles relax and I stop dry heaving. But then I cry.

"I want Nate here with me!" I lean into the big bodyguard, and he wraps his arms around me. I feel him put his chin on my head and nod.

"I know you do. C'mon. Let's get you out of the cold water."

******

*Nate*

Trisha shares the bed with me like we always did but she knows there's not a shot in hell anything is going to happen. She stays way over on her side of this ginormous bed in our suite and falls asleep fast which is good.

But sleep isn't going to come easy for me. Not tonight. I feel like half of me is missing. Even when me and Julia weren't together, we were still together. Every day. Everyone keeps saying it will get easier, but I just don't see that happening. I worry about her too much. 

I don't know if I can do this tour without her by my side.

I want to call it all off and go home.

*******