*Trigger Warning*

- drug overdose - Gastric lavage procedure in detail. 
***

I've never ran so fucking fast in my entire life. I've also never physically experienced this in my life.

When Rita got bad, really bad, she was already out of my life. When it happened the first time with Cara, I was on tour with the band, believe it or not- in Berlin, Germany. There was nothing I could do but get updates from doctors over the phone.

Now? Now I'm physically experiencing it firsthand with Julia.

"Right this way." The nurse speaks English but with a thick German accent.

I stop in the doorway, and the shooting pain in my chest becomes unbearable.

There she is. Sleeping. Her wrists and ankles bound to the bed by restraints. Two bodyguards stand by her door. They aren't here for me.  They are here because of Julia.

"It had to be done before the procedure. It's protocol." The middle-aged German nurse explains when she sees my distraught look.

"Procedure?? What procedure? What the hell is that?!"  My eyes practically bug out of my head when I see that Julia's lips are black and there's a fucking puke bucket next to her.  It is filled with a black liquid.

"Has the doctor talked to you yet???"

"I just got here!" I grip my chest and close my eyes.

"Mr. Hollan... are you alright?"

"What procedure?!" I snap.

Paul walks out of the restroom and throws the paper towel he washed his hands with, in the trash. I almost didn't recognize him. His hair is a tussled mess. His eyes are watery, red, and swollen. All the color has drained from the Italian man's face, and he looks old, worn out, exhausted, and nervous. Nothing like the bodyguard I've known for over ten years.

I watch him sit down on the chair next to Julia and drop his head into his hands.

"What procedure..."

Paul lifts his head wearily and looks at me with eyes that have seen too much today.

"She had to get her stomach pumped with charcoal." He musters up the energy to say.

I lean against the doorway and my knees feel like they are gonna give out any minute.

"The restraints."

"They have to beforehand to keep her still."

"She was awake?!" I gasp.

"They don't knock you out for that.  You have to be awake so you can throw it up more. They put a big tube all the way down her throat. She was screaming." Paul's voice trails off and he drops his head in his hands again, refraining from looking up at me now.

I look over at the table and see a clear plastic cup with a straw in it. The substance inside is black as tar.

"She has to keep drinking the charcoal to ensure all the drugs are out." The nurse says solemnly when her eyes follow mine to the plastic cup.

"Oh my God..." I cover my mouth and begin to cry.

"We need more security." I hear someone say in passing.  I'm causing an uproar just by being here. Just by be being me. I'm sure it's all over the news and social media by now.  I left the Arena right when I heard.  Two hours before my concert.

I don't even know if James and Casey know what happened though I'm sure Jonah called Casey.

"I'm so sorry." The small voice says behind me.

"Leave Trisha." I don't even recognize the voice that came out of me and Paul lifts his head and furrows his brows at me.

"Nate..."     She's still fucking here?? I spin around and look my best friend in the eyes.

"Find something to do." I practically growl and Trisha nods, tears streaming down her pretty little face.  Paul stands up now and brushes past me in anger, taking Trisha into another room.

"Take the restraints off before she wakes up." I demand and the nurse doesn't question me for one second. I'm about to lose all my fucking control right now and she can sense it.

"Now!"

"Yes sir."

******
*Julia*

I wake up and begin crying before I can even process where I am.  My throat is burning, I'm nauseated and the awful taste and smell of charcoal takes over my body. 

I remember everything.  Every single thing. The pills. So many pills. I remember being in and out of consciousness, dozing off in the rescue. Everything had a purple hue to it. My vision saw purple. Only purple. I was in shock.

Being restrained. Paul holding my hand.... crying... 

I remember being held down screaming, gagging and choking as the tube was shoved down my throat all the way down to my stomach. I remember seeing the black charcoal in the tube and felt the actual pumping of it into my stomach. I remember the pain of the machine suctioning out the toxins.

I remember the choking and burning when the doctor was pulling the tube out all the way, readjusting it and shoving back down my throat into my stomach when it wasn't positioned correctly.

I remember afterwards being forced to drink more charcoal, throwing it up from my mouth and nose.

These are the traumatic things you just won't ever forget.

I look around the room, barely able to focus through my tears... Nate, James, Jonah and Paul are all in the room. James is holding my hand. He's praying. He's praying and crying silently while sitting next to me. Nate is pacing the room, Paul's head is in his hands and the look of sadness on Jonah's face as he stares straight ahead is indescribable, probably because he knows exactly what the procedure entails.

My hands are free. My legs are free. I'm no longer restrained but my body feels so heavy and weighed down.

I immediately sit up and vomit all over myself.

And I don't stop.

*****

*Nate*

"I've got her." I insist and the nurse steps back. Julia is a whimpering mess after getting sick all over herself.  It was pure charcoal, the only thing left in her body, that came up. The nurse said it's a good thing, but Julia wants a shower.

She's weak and it takes both me and James to hold her up to take her charcoaled clothes off. Julia leans her head down on James's chest and cries while I get the shower water going for her.

It's heartbreaking. No. It's devastating. It's something that will be etched in our minds forever, seeing Julia like this. And Paul.....poor Paul.....

James begins to cry knowing he can't help Julia in the shower. He is so distraught his coordination is off more than usual.

"I've got this." I whisper to him while holding Julia up with one hand now. James looks relieved. He nods and backs away, leaving the small bathroom.

There's a handicap ledge with a bar to hold on to. I put a towel down on it, knowing Julia will freak if she sits on it bare. She's a bit OCD like me when it comes to cleanliness.

I feel the water before sitting her down and she grabs the bar with both hands, dropping her forehead down on them and cries.

I had thought I knew all of Julia's cries.  I've heard her heartbroken cry, her scared of the future-scarred from the past cry, her angry cry when I've disappointed her in the so many ways I've disappointed her. I've heard her cry for help, her cry for her best friend, her grieving mother wail and her hopeless whimper.

I've heard her devastating cry of absolute terror when she was raped.

But this. This is a new one. The painful sorrow fills the bathroom room as Julia closes her eyes tight and sobs.

It's her cry of regret. Of addiction. Her cry of something bigger, this force that takes over her mind and body that always wins. This force that is stronger than her. It fucks with her head. It makes her do things only a true addict will do.

The addiction is so fierce that even when she knows what she's doing is wrong, harmful, deadly, she does it anyways.  Her addiction is a demon that she will have to fight for the rest of her life.

I don't care that my clothes are getting soaked. I'm only in a t-shirt and running shorts anyway.  I hadn't changed for the concert yet. They'll dry.

I kneel on the small ledge of the shower and wash Julia up while she whimpers.

"I didn't mean to. I wasn't thinking." Her voice is soft and painfully scratchy sounding from the tubes and the burning charcoal.

"I know, Jule. It's ok. None of this is your fault."

It's mine.

She wretches and throws up in the shower again, and it is washed down the drain quickly. We'll be here for a while. Until the water runs cold. Julia is so weak her grip on the metal bar is barely holding on.

I let go of her for two seconds and peel off my shirt, take off my shorts, socks, and sneakers, and push them off to the side before stepping until the shower. I pick Julia's tiny frame up and sit down on the handicap ledge, holding her in my lap, not caring my boxers are soaked.

I wrap my arms around her, and she leans forward, getting sick over and over again.  Black char leaves her body like it needs to, and every time it does, Julia cries in pain. I can't imagine what her stomach and throat must feel like right now.

"Hold on to the bar in front of you if you need to, doll."

Julia throws both arms out to hold on to the bar attached to the shower wall while she continues to empty the contents down the drain.

"I'll help you brush your teeth to get the taste out after, ok?"

Julia nods.

I hold her in place and rub her back as the water hits my face every time she keels over to get sick.

And I fucking cry.

****

Julia doesn't talk. The last thing she said was in the shower- "I didn't mean to. I wasn't thinking." That was over an hour ago.  I help her get dressed into a pair or scrubs the nurse gave me as well as help her brush her teeth. Her hands shake uncontrollably. She's in a bit of shock. 

I lay her down in the hospital bed and James quickly gets up and lays down right next to her, pulling her into his body while crying. I'm not bothered by that. James is who Julia needs right now, her best friend. 

Not her ex-fiance.

Trisha, Casey and the dog are at the venue with Leslie. Tonight's concert has been postponed. Millions of dollars out the window is all Leslie sees. I could give two shits. People cancel concerts all the time with sickness. Fans get total refunds if they choose or hold on to their tickets for the next available date. I let them down. Again, don't care. I can't think about that right now.

The postponed concert is all over the news. Julia is not. Not yet. Right now, Elliott is cleaning up the mess. Unforeseen circumstances is all anyone knows. But it won't take long for it to leak out that I'm currently in a hospital in Berlin. Police officers and bodyguards are all over the hospital now to keep me safe.

Paul is not one of them. I give James and Julia privacy and walk into the small waiting room. Of course, a bodyguard follows me. Paul is the only one in here, still completely distraught from his experience. I don't even know the whole story, to be honest. Only what was told on the phone. Once he realized his phone had died and had to charge it, that is.

He sits on the chair hunched over with his forearms on his knees and his hands clasped together. His head hangs low. Paul is exhausted mentally. Charcoal stains are on the front of his shirt from when he held Julia to calm her until everyone arrived. He lifts his tear-stained face when he hears me enter the room and drags his hands down his face tiredly before sitting up.

"I don't know what she was thinking." He mumbles. I sit down next to him but stare ahead like he does.

"She wasn't thinking. She just needed her fix." I remind him.

"The EMT counted the pills left in the bottle. There were only ten left. She took twenty pills of Ativan. Twenty." For the first time in my entire life, I hear Paul's deep voice crack. "Was she trying to kill herself??"

"No. I don't think so. I mean, I don't know for sure. But I don't think so. Not this time. It was just her addiction taking over." 

I don't believe Julia was trying to commit suicide.  She was hopeful to get better. She wouldn't have agreed to detoxing and she talked about wanting the drug out of her system. Julia wanted to live and feel normal again. Healthy. She mentioned it often this time around. 

 Paul leans back in the chair and bounces his knee nervously.

"Jonah is in an empty room on the phone with Jeremy. She's gonna need to go to the Avalon, boss."

******

*Julia*

I don't talk because there's nothing to say. My throat hurts anyway so why bother. But I rattle my brain with what I've done. When I saw Trisha's prescription Ativan it was like Christmas morning. I knew I'd feel relief right away. When I saw it was a full bottle of pills my addiction took over. I locked the bathroom door and at first only took one. I don't know what got into me. My addiction took over.  I poured over half the bottle in my hand and downed it with a dixie cup of water. I didn't think about anything. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I have no idea why I did that and regretted it immediately.

I remember Paul banging on the bathroom door as I slide down to the floor and cried. I remember him breaking the door to get to me.

"I didn't mean to!" I drop the bottle and the remainder of the pills scatter all over the floor.

"What the hell did you do?! Julia, how many pills did you take? Shit!"

***

I hide my face in James's arms while he lays in the hospital bed with me.  The images of the event will haunt me forever, that much I'm sure of.

******

*Nate*

[ Nate what's happening???]

I see Trisha's message. I wouldn't answer her calls and snapped at her, sending her back to the venue crying. None of this is her fault. People carry their medications in their bags all the time. Hers just happened to be Julia's addiction in Julia's reach.

[sorry I snapped at you.]

[You should be!]

Typical Trisha...

[ Nate, I never meant to leave my purse there. I changed quickly in the bathroom that night because my dress was in the tour bus. I would never do this on purpose.]

[ I know. None of this is your fault. What's going on there? Is Leslie fuming?]

[Sure is. But I can handle her. I had to tell the band the truth though.  You're all over the news but Moretti isn't. Not yet. Elliott's trying his best to iron things out but you will have to make up this concert at some point.]

[Well aware]

There's only been two or three times I've ever had to postpone a concert before. The first one was strep throat, and I lost my voice.  The second was the stomach bug that ran through me and the entire band. The third one was Cara related when she was younger.

But there is no way I can perform tonight. I do know we are here for two nights before heading to the next stop, but I don't know what is going to happen. I try not to think about that while waiting for Jonah to come back. 

"I need coffee." Paul stands up and leaves the room abruptly. I know he's not going to find coffee. I could tell by how quickly his eyes filled up thinking about the day's events. He's trying to save face and go somewhere to let go of his emotions. Paul never signed up for this. 

"Um..Mr. Hollan?" The nurse that has been assigned to Julia tries to come into the room but the bodyguard isn't having it. She tilts her body to the side to make eye contact.

"Let her through." I mumble from my seat and the guard steps aside.

"Sir. The doctor would like to speak to you. If you could follow me." I get up and shove my phone in my pocket. The bodyguard follows behind as the nurse leads me to a small office with a cluttered desk and two chairs in front of it. I have yet to meet the doctor. He's an old bald man with a thick accent but can speak English.

"Mr. Hollan.  Dr. Gary Ackermann. Please, have a seat." The old man shakes my hand from behind the desk and we both sit at the same time. "I know you have a very busy agenda, so I won't keep you long. But we are required to admit Miss. Moretti overnight to monitor her."

I kinda figured this would happen.

"Sir, are you aware of the amount of toxins found in her body?" Of course they would do bloodwork. They want to know what they are getting themselves into here.

"I'm sure it was high in the Ativan department. Listen, Julia is a drug addict. I'm aware. She also suffers from bipolar disorder, eating disorders, depression ... I know all this."

The doctor looks down at the chart with raised eyebrows.

"Well, ok then. You just answered all my questions. Do you have a plan of action moving forward?" The man folds his hands together now that the hard part is over, and we are on the same page. He had thought he would have to enlighten me on the many ailments of Julia for the first time. He was wrong.

I exhale sharply.

"My private nurse is on the phone with her psychiatrist in the U.S. She's most likely going to have to go back to The Avalon. It's a detox facility in L.A." I gulp hard admitting this. I'm sure this is what Jeremy is going to want us to do. 

"Well, it looks like you have covered all corners. I expect she will continue to be fairly sick throughout the night and possibly tomorrow. She'll continue IV fluids but really does need to consume more calories. It will help absorb the charcoal. Her stomach was completely empty when we pumped the toxins out."

"I'm not surprised." I rub the tension building in the back of my neck.

"You are welcome to stay with her overnight though we will most likely move you to a more private wing. You apparently have some fans that will do anything to see you." Dr. Ackermann stands up and gestures to the door. "Thank you for your time."

I walk out of the office and the guard follows me to Julia's room. James is standing outside of her door now with his arms folded over his chest looking down at the ground.

"She doesn't want to see me right now and she's giving the nurse a hard time getting the IV in." Julia is in the middle of a small bipolar or detox episode. This happened in L.A. before when she was struggling. Jonah told James to put a cool cloth on her forehead when she had a migraine, and Julia threw the cloth across the room and kicked James out. I was the only one to calm her down. This was when her and James were together. 

I nod at James and pat his shoulder as I walk by him into the room. The nurse finally got the IV in, but Julia is not happy. 

"She doesn't know what the hell she's doing!  She stabbed me with the fucking needle three times!" Julia finally speaks. She's no longer in shock but she's pissed. I think I liked it better when she was mute.

"Sir, she is very dehydrated. It was difficult to find a vein." The nurse explains.

"You're ok. This is just Julia being Julia. Dr. Ackermann can fill you in on her mental status." 

The nurse nods and walks out of the room with her clipboard. Her job here is done. Julia is crying hard though making it known my job is far from over.

"Why did you give James the boot, darlin?" I smirk when all Julia can do is roll her eyes. She doesn't know why she kicked him out of the room. She was just annoyed and I'm sure James was trying to help, just like that time in L.A.  I lay on the bed, pulling her in closer so I can spoon her, and Julia lets me. She grabs on to my arms and holds me closer to her body while crying. 

"Aww. It's ok, doll." I swipe her ponytail up and out of the way and peck the nape of her neck, just once, and then rest my chin over her shoulder so the side of my head is touching her. We couldn't get any closer unless I was inside her.

"I love you so much, Jules." I remind her but she cries more. "We're going to figure this out, yeah? I'm going to make sure you get healthy again. You're going to get this shit out of your system. You're going to forgive me and marry me. I manifest it." I say and hear Julia scoff at that. She thinks manifesting is a load of shit. I kind of don't blame her right now.

"And we're going to live happily ever after." I close my eyes. 

Then... Julia throws up all over herself again.

*****

*Julia*

"Everything hurts!" I cry. My stomach is in so much pain and my throat is screaming at me every time I throw up. I pulled out my IV again and someone will probably come back and stick me when they find out. Nate holds me in the shower again, this time naked because he's trying to get his boxers to dry from the previous shower.

"I know, love." He says while sitting behind me like last time as I puke into the drain. Pure black charcoal leaves my system. How much did they pump into me? It comes out of my mouth, out of my nose.  It burns like hell and I'm sure I am the least attractive human being Nate Hollan has ever encountered. He doesn't care. He holds me and rubs my back every time I lean forward and vomit.

"I kicked James out of the room!" I cry harder, now completely worked up while thinking about how rude I was.

"He doesn't take it personally, Jules. He's used to you." Nate chuckles as I lean back against him. I'm exhausted. The shower curtain is closed so after Jonah knocks, he opens it a crack.

"The nurse gave me more scrubs for you to change into, Julia. And a pair for you as well, Nate, in case you need to change. I'll leave them right here on the counter."

"Thanks, man." Nate says and we hear the door close again.

"What's gonna happen to me?" I ask with my eyes closed, feeling the warm water soothe me.

"We're going to figure it all out, ok?" Nate says hesitantly. "It's almost ten pm which means it's seven in the morning back home. Jeremy wants to meet with you whenever you are ready."

****

"Wanna talk about yesterday?" Jeremy asks but I shake my head no. He means today. It's seven in the morning there but ten at night here.

He is in his home. That much I know. I know what The Avalon looks like by heart, and this is not it. It looks like a cute cozy apartment, and he is on the couch in the main living area with his laptop on a table in front of him. He isn't wearing a dress shirt and tie. From what I see it looks like a band t-shirt. Bon Jovi. Classic.

Theres an unfolded blanket and remote next to him on one side and a box of tissues on the other. He sounds a bit congested.

"Ok.. We won't talk about yesterday." He coughs. "Sorry. I'm home sick today. Came down with the flu." 

I say nothing. I have yet to speak. I lay on my side in the hospital bed with my head on the pillow, clearly exhausted. Nate's laptop is on the small nightstand next to me and Nate is in another room with James for now, helping him eat a little something. It's been a long day.

"It's what, ten at night there? Have you gotten much sleep yet?"

I shake my head no. 

"Listen, Julia. I'm going to get right to it. I talked to Nate as well as his private nurse. I think we've come up with a plan. But before you get upset, hear me out. This is all temporary until you get back on your feet."

My eyes well up with tears. 

"You're going to come back to L.A." Jeremy announces. I close my eyes, cover my mouth and begin to cry. I cry hard. I cry and shake but don't make much noise.

Nate and Jonah are giving up on me. They're sending me back to California. They are sending me to the Avalon. Right to Jeremy. 

Nate will continue his world tour, and I will continue getting raped by my doctor.

*****