Paris was a bust. Well, for Julia that is. I stayed with her while the rest of the group went ahead and experienced all the things planned for them. Julia's addiction has taken over her body making her really sick and needing more than she's allowed to get. I don't ever mind being the one to care for her. I've experienced all the things France has to offer so this is no big deal but I do feel bad she didn't get to go out with everyone else. Right now, Julia doesn't seem to care but I have a feeling down the road she will look back and regret it.

"Julia, do you think you would benefit from coming back to California to detox?" Jeremy asks with sincerity. But that prick doesn't fool me. He wanted this to happen, didn't he? I will never trust the guy. I may be the only one who thinks this, but it just doesn't sit well with me now.

"What?  To you? No." Julia furrows her brows.  I sit with her in her meeting with her therapist / rapist knowing full well there isn't a chance in hell I'm sending Julia back to the Avalon without either me or Paul. And Paul is my bodyguard while on tour so we don't have the option to do this anyway.

"Look at you. You are not going to get better like this. I'm sorry, Julia. I can't give you a higher dose of medication and the frequency is limited to every four hours. Your body is just going to keep wanting more and more. Eventually you need to get off the Ativan." Jeremy takes his glasses off and pinches the tension between his eyes. It's 3pm but around midnight in L.A.  and the doctor looks exhausted. He must be home because the background certainly isn't the Avalon.

"I don't want to be on it. Don't you get it? I never wanted to be on it." Julia cries and I rub her back to help calm her. She's really struggling.

"Are you open to starting your detox while on the road? We can begin to wean you off if so."

Julia freezes hearing this. She wants more not less. Even though, mentally she doesn't want it at all. She's also nervous about detoxing. Tour really isn't the environment for this.

"How would we go about this?" I ask.

"No Nate. I need more not less." She snaps, conflicting her words from two seconds ago. This is when her bipolar kicks in. She stands up and begins to pace.

"What's going on, Nate?" Jeremy asks, not knowing where Julia went off to.

"She's still here. She's just pacing the room. I don't know what to do here." I admit quietly.

"Nate, She really does need to come back."

"Fuck that. And you know why." I watch Donovan nod and run his hand through his hair nervously.

"Right. So what's the next thing on your agenda? Let's start there."

"Getting more Ativan you fuckface." Julia sneers and my eyes widen. She's never said that to anyone before.

"Ignore it Nate. That's her bipolar kicking in."

"I'm still in the fucking room asshole. I can fucking hear you." Julia is acting like my sister now and having a bit of a meltdown.

"Tell me what to do, fuckface." I repeat Julia and the doctor rolls his eyes at me.

"Nice, Nate. First. Your agenda." He grabs a pad of paper and a pen to write it down.

"Ok. Next stop from here is Berlin. Two-hour flight or eleven-hour drive to the Mercedes-Benz Arena."

I look down at what Trisha texted me. "I have to take the flight to get to the Arena on time. James has to drive because of his brain injury."

"Is there anyone else aside from you that may be able to handle Julia if she were to begin her detox? An eleven-hour car ride isn't ideal but if that's what we have to work with..."

"It's not a car ride. He has a fucking apartment on wheels." Julia enters the conversation and sits back down. "Paul. Paul can help me, right?"

"Are you willing to do this? There's no turning back Julia."  Jeremy reminds her and I feel the color drain from my face. I won't be with her. I won't be able to help her or take care of her.

"I need someone to tell me what to do!" She bursts into tears right in front of our eyes now. I knew this would happen and Jeremy did as well. She wants to feel herself again. But she wants more of what she's addicted to at the same time. She bounces from one to the next, but I know deep down, Julia wants off this medication so she can enjoy life again. "Please! Someone help me! Just make the decision for me!" She wails and covers her face with her hands."

"Ok..... It's ok." I turn the computer to face away from us for a moment and hold Julia in my arms.

"I don't want to be like this! I don't want to be this person." 

"I know you don't."

"I don't want to live if I have to keep doing this."

"Shhh. Jule. You can't say that, remember?" I say softly. 

"It's ok. Fake it till you make it, right Julia?" Jeremy says from the laptop still facing the opposite direction. "Don't forget there was a time she trusted me. There was a time she told me things. Julia told me about that."

Of course she did. 

"Shit." I mutter to myself.

"It's ok Nate. There have been plenty of times I've had to remind Julia she can't say that in front of other doctors or nurses. She can say it in front of me though. She can talk candidly about how she feels in front of me. It's not like I'm gonna report her."

"Yeah right fuckface. You threatened to-"

"Jules! Stop" I cut her off fast and glare at her. By law we aren't allowed to talk about this.  There's a moment of silence before I finally turn the computer to face us again.

"Julia. Can you please look at me?" Jeremy says softly. Julia lowers her hands away from her face and looks at Donovan with her big brown sad eyes. It breaks us both down and Jeremy's shoulders drop in defeat.

"I know. Ok? And I know this is frustrating for you. I really wish you'd come back. I can help you. But I get it, ok? I'm going to help you no matter where you are. No matter what." He says with a sigh. "I don't usually do this. In fact, it's frowned upon and goes against everything I've ever learned at Harvard. But... I will make the decision for you. If your bodyguard agrees, we will start the detox during your eleven-hour trip. But listen to me. Don't stress James out. I mean it." He warns and Julia nods, now relieved someone is taking control for her.

"Ok." She swipes the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand and my heart breaks for her.

"Call me before you leave, and I will walk Paul through it. I need to get some sleep now."

We end the call and Julia bursts into tears again. This time throwing her arms around me needing me to hold her.

"It's ok doll, I've got ya." I bury my face in her hair and feel my own tears building up for her. "I love you so much, you know that? I'm gonna make sure you're ok and I will NEVER do this to you again. I promise."

"I still hate you." She whimpers and I laugh a little at the common phrase now.

"I know you do." I back away and do something bold. Maybe too bold. I cup her face and press my lips to hers and kiss her. Just a quick kiss before backing away and studying her face. "I'll always make sure you're ok." I whisper and hug her again before she can say anything. But that one kiss to her lips reminded me how much I miss Julia.  God, do I miss her.

******

*Julia*

And this is where things take a turn for the worse. Because I am an addict. I'll always be an addict just like I'll always be bipolar. Being an addict is like nothing you can ever truly know or understand unless you've experienced it for yourself. The emotions and thoughts that run through your head are so intense, so drastic, so extreme.

You have periods where you sincerely make an effort and despite these efforts the comedown effects remain VERY persistent. The cravings are very dedicated. It's incredibly overwhelming. You feel powerless, helpless, hopeless, scared and shocked at what you will do to get your hands on whatever you are addicted to. You can't truly know what a cunning, clever, sneaky monster addiction is until it takes over you.

 It's a two-headed beast, one head luring you in with promises and solutions, grand ideas and plans, with everything beautiful in between. And while you're busy focusing on those good things that head is teaching you how amazing the high is. When everything is so fantastic and euphoric- Boom- Thats when the other head emerges out of nowhere and swallows you whole.

You don't see it coming because you're way too distracted by the first head. It was all a trick to keep you occupied. It was the plan all along. You try to get better. You try to heal. You detox. But it will always be there. Reminding you of its existence in your body. In your mind. 

My two-headed beast lured me in once again to do whatever I could to get my hands on the pills that day.

And it was the worst mistake of my life.

*****