********

 I silently cry in the shower and let the hot water wash away the tears. I lean my arm against the shower wall and drop my head down to it, completely letting go.

"I miss you so much dad." I choke out through my sniffling. I know there's no way Paul can hear me. He is guarding the dressing room door.

I feel a rush of cold air making me lift my head and turn around.

"Jule?"

********

Julia is standing in front of me while I'm in the dressing room shower. She sees my eyes draining tears down my cheeks due to today being the anniversary of my dad's death but doesn't say one word to me. Instead, I watch her pull her shirt up over her head in silence. I watch her take her leggings off and strip down completely. She steps into the shower and closes the curtain before throwing her arms around me for a hug. For some reason with me and Julia, some of our most meaningful moments happen in the shower. Why is that? I've never been like that with anyone else in my life.

"I'm sorry, Nate. I had no idea what today was. I should have been there for you." Julia says softly. She lets me wrap my arms around her and bury my head in her hair to cry. I've never needed this embrace so much in my entire life. I cry, no, I fucking sob, in Julias shoulder. 

"It's ok. I've got ya." She whispers my own phrase in my ear as my body shakes with emotion. "You're ok."

"I miss him so much..." I can barely get my words out.

"I know. Believe me. I understand." Julia tightens her hold on me. Of course she understands. I lost my dad and she lost her son.

I swear Julia holds me for so long. Probably longer than anyone has ever held me before. She holds me and calms me down under the hot water, while also shedding her own tears. I don't know where we stand right now and I'm not gonna ask. Because right now I just need this from her, and I don't care about anything else but this moment.

This morning, I took care of Julia in this very shower and tonight she takes care of me.

******

*Julia*

I console Nate the way he consoles and takes care of me all the time, but that's as far as I let it go. I hold him until he is calm and then we walk out of the shower together. I don't kiss him. I don't let things go any further and he doesn't try anything. That's not what this was about, and Nate knows that.

We both get dressed and I dry my hair as quick as I can, so no one notices I took a shower with him.

"Thanks, Jule. I mean it." Nate says while pulling his pants up and buttoning them. That one little act turned me on, but I try to ignore it and remind myself we aren't together. The whole trust issue, Julia, remember? I also see Nate try to ignore his heart when a shooting pain makes him throw his hand to his chest and wince.

"Nate....."

"Yeah?" He tries to play like I didn't just notice him and then drops his shoulders.

"It just happens sometimes. A little more lately..." Nate responds and hearing him admitting that out loud actually made me feel lightheaded.

I stare up at the man I'm in love with but currently staying away from and study his face.

"What do you mean a little more, lately? Like something we should go get checked out??"

"No. I'm good, Jule." He turns away and shuts me out again. No. Not cool. I reach up and put my hand on his shoulder to spin him around.

"You can't just say that and then say you're fine. Please don't shut me out when it comes to your health. Do you feel that pain often?" I ask and there's a moment of silence where Nate's eyes soften. He looks down at my mouth and back up at my eyes....but then backs away with a sigh.

"I'm fine."

*****

*Nate*

Julia is asking for space but then takes a shower with me. She's asking for space but then tells me not to shut her out. I don't know what she wants anymore. I don't even think SHE knows what she wants anymore. I walk out of the dressing room without really giving her a clear answer and head to the afterparty. Paul is outside my door as my bodyguard and follows behind us.

Once in the crowded room I spot James chatting away with Casey and Jonah and that guy Noah is still here flirting with Trisha. I smile a little because I knew Trish was attracted to him and God, everyone on the planet is attracted to Trisha, especially wearing that pink little minidress tonight, showing off that body of hers. Maybe if she hooks up with this kid, she'll loosen up a little while on tour.

"Hey, great job out there. Thanks again for everything today. I'm probably gonna head out soon but wanted to wait to thank you first." Noah stands up and throws his hand out for me to shake.

"You're welcome to stay, have some food and stuff. Sorry no real drinks are offered. I can't be around that shit." I shake the man's hand while talking.

"No worries, neither can I. Kinda how I lost the whole wife and kids and dog and house and....well you get the jist of it." He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down at the ground.

"I get it. Well, man. It was great getting to know you today. You oddly kinda fit right in with this group of clowns." I laugh at my own joke and the circus freak show I have for friends. "Seriously. Stay, get some food. Flirt with that blonde a little." I tick my head to Trisha who is sitting down now talking to my bandmates. I smirk at the goodlooking guy and walk away to grab some food.

 Julia gravitates towards James but every time I look at that Noah kid, he's gazing at her and not Trisha. Trisha who is a complete bombshell. But Jules just has this thing about her. This innocent little way about her that draws you in, and then when you get to know her there's no turning back. She's got this big heart of gold and is easy to fall in love with.

"Tonight was your best concert yet!" Leslie nudges me while we get our food.

"Thanks for all your hard work. Couldn't have done it without you and Trisha. Really, Leslie. You two work hard and it's appreciated." I say to the equally beautiful brunette bombshell version of Trisha.

"Aww you're sweet. And you pay really well." She makes me laugh with that comment. "So, you get three days off to do whatever you like before you head to Germany. Next stop is the Mercedes-Benz Arena in Berlin. You have one concert there but Trisha made it so you get a two-night stay before we head to Denmark. Then Norway. Then Sweden."

Does she have this shit memorized? Good thing though cuz I haven't a clue.

"Looking forward to it." I say but, in my head, I try and do the math. I remember Trisha saying it's a two-hour flight from Paris to Berlin. God....does that mean James is gonna have to drive another ten plus hours to get there and then drive another ten hours to Copenhagen Denmark? And if James does that, Julia does that. That is a lot to put on her with the way her mental health has been lately.

"You good over here? Quite the show, friend." Jonah shovels food in his mouth while starting up a conversation once I sit down with the clan.

"Yeah. Just playing the number game on the travel agenda moving forward. Leslie reminded me after a few days off we head to Berlin, then Denmark. Just thinking of how long it is going to take plane verses driving." I try not to look at James and Julia because I don't want to worry either of them but there are gonna be times where a three- or four-hour flight is required for a three hour show and then back on the plane to another area. By the time they drive to one area, I'll already be on a flight somewhere else. How the hell am I going to make THAT work??

"Just take it one day at a time. I'm sure Trisha already has the wheels turning on how to make that all work." Jonah says quietly to just me, like he knew exactly what I was thinking.

I mingle for a while and try not to think too much about.... anything major. I watch Noah flirt with Trisha, look around for Julia... flirt with Trisha again. Kid doesn't know whether he's coming or going, and it makes me laugh a little. But it doesn't matter. Once we leave Paris, we'll probably never see the bloke again. Too bad. He seems like a decent lad.

"Hollan. Your driver is here." Paul mumbles tiredly. "Casey is on her way back from taking the dog out and then we should head out. I think both James and Julia are tired."

We both look over to where they are sitting, and Paul is right. They are barely keeping their eyes open. Neither are used to this lifestyle, and I can't imagine how tired they must be feeling. I also know Julia is gonna be ready for her Ativan dose soon so we should probably head out before she shows signs of her addiction taking over.

We rally the troops up and say our goodbyes to whoever is left in the room for the next few days until we meet again in Berlin. I notice Noah hand Trisha his phone for her to enter her number and smile a little at that. Hey, who knows. Long distance relationships could work.

But Paul notices too and looks away quickly.

Yep, everyone has a thing for Trisha Banks.

*****

*Julia*

I'm not surprised to see how fancy the Ritz Paris Hotel is. I knew Nate would go above and beyond. It's just who he is. Everyone checks in and goes their separate ways, agreeing to touch base in the morning. Here's when things are going to get awkward now that Nate and I aren't a couple anymore.

It's me, Nate, James and the dog in the Presidential Suite. When Nate unlocks the door on the top floor both me and James's jaws drop. Literally. This suite is indescribable. It's gorgeous and for sure the biggest and most elegant hotel room I've ever seen. As big as Nate's apartment.

"Wow." I say under my breath as we walk into the massive hotel room

"I know, right?" James hears me while walking right behind me.

"You sure they don't mind dogs?" I kneel down to take Maggie's harness off.

"Usually, it's not allowed, but I paid extra to make sure Maggie would be all set. Trisha called ahead to make sure they would provide the brand of dog food for her as well." He points to the counter that has a bag of the exact brand of dog food along with two dog bowls, still with their price tags on them.

"Seriously?? Gee, money talks." James says. "Thanks again, Nate."

"My pleasure. Make yourselves at home. Breakfast will be in our room for everyone tomorrow morning at 10 am. The rest of the gang will meet up here around then." Nate wheels our luggage in for us. He really thought of everything to make this an amazing trip for us.

"You thought of everything." I stand up and look around more. I feel awful now. What the hell am I doing?? I'm playing this game to try and give me and Nate space, so he'll learn his lesson, knowing I am very much still in love with him, but then I think of how he put so much thought into everything to make this happen. AND including James.

While looking around, I realized there's only two bedrooms. At the time he booked this, we were engaged.

He made a mistake. It was a big one in my world, but I assume in anyone else's eyes it would be something minor. And here I am holding it over his head like this. On one of the hardest days of the year for him. And once again, while Nate walks out onto the balcony to see the view, James can read my mind. It's like he just knows by the expression on my face.

"He went all out for us..." James says when he notices the lack of a third room and pauses for a moment. "Babe, you know I won't be mad if you choose to stay in his room. I get it." He frowns a little but also looks at me with sympathy, like it was hard for him to say that, knowing he wants me to be with him, but at the same time knows who I always end up with.

That's James for ya.

"Stop making me love you more, James." I huff, and he shrugs with a smile.

"What can I say, I'm easy to love." He smirks, and I roll my eyes. "Anyways, I just wanted you to know that. You're my best friend and I want you to be happy. Do whatever makes you happy, sweetie." James does it again, and I hate that he is such a nice guy.

Do something to make me hate you or something. Just once.

"We'll see." I head out to the balcony to check it out.

I slide the glass door open and see Nate leaning against the railing looking out in the distance. Even though his back is facing me I can tell he was sad. He wipes his eyes and takes a deep breath when he hears me come out but keeps his eyes looking ahead.
I stand next to him but don't look up at him. Standing side by side I don't even hit his shoulders in height, so I'd have to really tilt my head to see him being this close.

"What are you thinking about right now?" I ask while looking ahead at...nothing.

"So many things..."

"Like?" I push on.

"I just miss my dad. It's always a tough day for me but usually I'm drunk by now and feeling numb." Nate sniffs. No wonder. This is the first time in his adult life he's dealing with this sober. Nate is feeling all the things. "It's so hard. I feel so alone."

I see him wipe his eyes from the corner of my eye but don't look up at him. If I look up at him, I'm gonna regret it. I'm gonna let my guard down and want to kiss him and never stop. I can't let that happen. But then I keep thinking of all the times he's picked me up when I was down in the dumps. It's always been him taking care of me. Who takes care of Nate? Trisha? No. She's too rough around the edges. Nate has no one if he doesn't have me. Not right now at least. He has this big heart of gold and carries the world on his shoulders, so I don't have to. So James doesn't have to. Always taking care of everyone else.

"I guess I'm going to go to bed." Nate snaps me out of my thoughts and before I have a chance to process his words he is inside the hotel room.

I stare ahead but focus on nothing as my mind runs wild.

"Hey, you ok?" James stands behind me and puts both hands on my shoulder and rests his chin on the top of my head. "Friend mode. You can talk to me."

"Yep. Just standing here, enjoying the view." I sigh. "In Paris on a fully paid trip breaking Nate's heart on one of the hardest days of his life."

"Sweetie, why are we here?"

"What do you mean?" I turn around to face James and he drops his hands to my hips.

"I mean... You're not with Nate anymore. Why are we on this tour? Why are you putting yourself through this?" He says cautiously.

"I told you. I'm not gonna ruin it for everyone else. We can do all the things planned. Not my fault Nate screwed up. Let him pay for everything. Whatever."

"That's not you though, babe, and you know it. You don't take advantage of people's money. You don't care about this fancy hotel or sightseeing in Paris or traveling. It's just not you. And it's not me." He looks down at me with sympathetic eyes and I turn away.

"I don't know what I'm doing." 

I can't help it when my bottom lip quivers and my emotions take over. James pulls me in and hugs me, letting me cry in his arms. I cry because he's right. This isn't me. At all. I'm taking pills, I'm hurting Nate by not being with him, I'm here but really not here mentally. Not at all.

********

*Nate*

I don't bother asking Julia where she is going to sleep tonight. When I get out of the bathroom, I see that there's a pillow missing on the bed. She'll probably sleep in bed with James. That's where she is now, helping him get ready. I slide under the covers and keep the bedroom door open.

This whole thing with Mila sabotaged any chances of Julia ever trusting me again. What a stupid mistake I made. Julia will never look at me the same and there's nothing I can do to change that, to reverse it. The damage is done.

*****

I wake up to the familiar sound and turn to look at the time. Two in the morning. Right on schedule. Jonah told me this would happen. Pretty sad when you have to exchange pills in a men's restroom so Julia wouldn't know I had her next two Ativan doses. I sit up in bed and scratch the back of my head before grabbing a pill for Jules.

When I walk into the living room, I see she made a makeshift bed on the couch. She didn't sleep in bed with James. Julia is sitting up holding her knees to her chest whimpering, shaking and sweating needing her addiction, and the dog is fast asleep right next to her.

"Hey love." I sit down next to Julia but she doesn't look at me.

"I hate you. I hate that I have to go through this." She cries. I'm used to her saying this to me now. Because of my actions she spiraled out and needed to be medicated. Now it runs through her veins and every four hours her body lets her know she needs more. "My body hurts like I'm in detox because it wants more than what Jonah will give me now! One pill isn't cutting it."

I have another pill. Actually, I have three pills total until the morning. But I can't give her more than Jonah told me. I can't feed into her addiction like that even though it's because of me she's like this. Julia can't know I have more than one pill.

"Jonah gave me one pill for you in case you woke up like this." I open my hand and before I can say another word, she grabs it and puts it in her mouth.

"I need more. This isn't gonna work." Said by a true addicted.

"You don't know that. Don't get yourself worked up like that when it hasn't even gotten into your system yet. You'll set yourself up for disaster if you start doing that, Jule."

"My body won't stop shaking." She ignores me and continues to stare ahead with tears streaming down her face and her nose running. She doesn't care. She only cares about her need to feel numb right now. I look around the suite and see a box of tissues near the phone.

"Here." I wipe her nose for her and chuck the tissue in the trash. "Take a bath with me. It'll help. the tub is huge in my room."

"Nate...."

"Yeah yeah, we're not together. You don't need to remind me. C'mon." I don't give Julia a chance to say no. I scoop her shaky body up into my arms and she doesn't fight me. She knows a bath will help. She also knows I love water so will be joining her, whether we are together or not.

Since I know Jules like the back of my hand, I started the water in the jacuzzi tub before even coming out here so it would fill up in time. The bathtub is enormous, almost as big as mine, so I knew it would take a little time to fill. I threw in some bath shit the hotel provided and it smells like lavender or something soothing like that.

I sit Julia on the counter and dim the light so it's pretty dark in the bathroom and can't help but keep my body in between her legs. I tuck her hair behind her ears and want to kiss those lips so fucking bad right now but I know that will set her off more. She's already crying. Instead, I close my eyes and lean my forehead on hers.

"I love you so much Jules. I'll never stop telling you. I'll never stop taking caring of you. No matter what." I whisper and open my eyes.

Julia's quietly crying but her eyes are closed. I wipe her tears with my thumbs but keep my hands on the sides of her face. My lips are so close to hers but now is not the time. I slowly lift her shirt up and she opens her eyes and raises her arms so I can take it off. Julia won't look at me though. She keeps her eyes down and I think it's because if she looks at me, she knows I'm gonna lose all control and kiss her. She doesn't want that. She still hates me right now. But I lose my own willpower and lightly kiss her neck as my hands slide down to her shoulders, down her arms, to her trembling hands that I now hold.

"Nate."

"Sorry." I drop my forehead to her shoulder and reel it in. "Ok. Let's go. The hot water will help." I step back and grab her hips, pulling her down off the counter. I pull down and off her shorts, take off her underwear and undress myself.

 "Do you have a hair thingy?" I ask and she takes a black hair elastic off her wrist to hand to me. I stand in front of her, making sure my hard on doesn't touch her body though it's all it wants to do, and put her hair up in a perfect ponytail for her like she likes so it doesn't get wet. I do accidentally graze her stomach but try not to pay attention to the bolt of electricity I felt from that one touch to her skin.

I can tell the medicine is starting to work as she calms down a little and lets me take her hand and guide her into the warm water of the spa tub. I turn off the hot water, lay behind her and pull body against me so her back is resting on my chest. Yeah, this is not helping my throbbing hard on right now.

Julia begins to relax into me a little more and her tears dry up.

"Better?" I whisper close to her ear and feel her nod with her eyes closed. I could stay just like this with Julia forever. Right in this moment with her body against mine, the warm water, my arms wrapped around her. She leans back into me, now feeling the effects of the Ativan, and rests her head back on my shoulder with the side of her face against mine. I involuntarily twitch from this one small movement and know she felt it. But she keeps her eyes closed, lips together and arms holding on to my arms, torturing me more.

*****

*Julia*

The Ativan worked. It's been hit or miss lately but I purposely threw up my dinner to make sure I was on a completely empty stomach to feel the full effects when no one was around. Wrong on so many levels, I know. I don't care. I need to feel this and will do whatever it takes to make sure it works now.

It's been at least an hour of sitting in the warm water with Nate. We don't talk. Unlike with James, it's probably the only times when Nate is so relaxed he doesn't need to talk. When he is in the warm water of the bath his mind slows down for him and no distractions bother him. 

Nate eventually falls asleep in the tub like he always does. But having the empty stomach really worked more than I thought it would and I'm so damn high right now. Note to self. Do this more often if I want to guarantee it to work. I'll worry about eating disorders when I'm back at the Avalon.

I'm feeling all the things but numb at the same time. I'm feeling Nate's breath against my neck in slow repetitive light breezes and his body under me. I'm feeling his muscular arms around my waist and my sensitivity is heightened. I need to get out of this tub before I do something I regret. That much I know I need to do. I don't want to wake him up. He never gets to relax. So I gently ease myself off his warm body and climb out of the tub, quickly grabbing a towel and scooping my clothes up off the floor to leave the bathroom.

When you're Bipolar and high you do some stupid things. Like sliding into bed with your best friend who is sleeping instead of sleeping on the couch like planned. Maggie took over my spot on the couch anyways and I don't want to move the dog, but my intentions aren't to sleep, are they? Not when I throw my clothes in a pile on the floor and slide under the covers naked.

James is sound asleep, laying on his back with one arm up behind his head as a pillow like always and the other one resting on his bare chest. He looks so peaceful right now, even in the dark with only the small plug-in nightlight in the corner of the room on.

I lay against him and slowly trace the tattoo over his heart. Carter's name. James is like me. That pain of losing a child never goes away. But how did he come out stronger than ever unlike me? How is James not addicted to pills or have eating disorders or low self-esteem? Instead he came back with this heart of gold. Going to church with his family, protecting his sisters and mom from his asshole father, going to group grief therapy sessions like I should have done from day one. Taking care of his body and his mind and his soul. This prayer warrior who not only prays for himself and over his family but even over the people he should hate. Like Nate.

And here I am. A bipolar, suicidal, depressed addict with an eating disorder. Currently high and horny and about to use my best friend so I don't make a mistake with Nate. Here I am in love with two very different men. Both who love me back unconditionally yet I continue to break both their hearts. 

Here I am with my mouth kissing his chest and hand stroking his now very hard erection over his boxer briefs, slowly waking James up in the middle of the night. 

I can't tell if he is even awake yet but feel his breath begin to quicken slightly. His eyes are still closed and lips parted looking sexy as hell right now which is only turning me on more. I trail my mouth down his abs, positioning myself in the small space left between his legs now and link my fingers in the waistband of his boxers to pull down and release him. He may still be asleep but his body sure is awake as his erection springs out and hits his stomach while he's laying here. I take him in my mouth and feel his body shifting a little as I wake him up. James gasps and his abs tighten.

"Babe....oh God...fuck." James groans in his deep provocative midnight voice now realizing what's happening and ticks his hips up from the sensation. His hand drops to the back of my head but he just rests it there lazily without pushing me into his body.

Apparently when you wake James up like this it doesn't take long to get him to the brink of orgasm. Which only works to my advantage being overstimulated and needing to feel him. His hand drops down to my jaw and he gently pulls me off him, making it known he's getting close to the edge but not willing to jump yet.

I straddle him but don't line James up to me yet. I kiss the corner of his mouth, and he puckers his lips slightly like he always does before I crash my mouth into his, dominating the kiss, sliding my tongue in to twirl around his sending me to the moon and back. Yep. I'm so high. Empty stomach trick for the win.

Everything happens fast now. His hands are on my ass and he pulls me in, now fully awake.

"Fuck me, Julia." James demands in a low tone. My God that was so sexy. I line him up and crash down on to him hard, each time letting out an uncontrolled gasp. He uses all those ab muscles to lean up into me, propping himself up with his hands behind him on the mattress. My hands grabbing his hair tight, my eyes knitted shut, my moans getting louder as the buildup becomes painful. I need my orgasm right now.

I desperately grind on him so fast begging for more as the pressure needing to be released becomes unbearable. My muscles contracting, throbbing for the tension to be relieved. I crash down into him at an abnormally fast pace, one I didn't think I was capable of, and my thighs burn from all the work. 

"Oh God..." I'm getting closer to unraveling and James thrusts into me, matching my pace.

"You're so close baby. You feel so good." James groans as we crash into each other, beads of sweat forming on both our foreheads. His words getting me off more. We are both panting now, and I can sense James is getting close by the way he's twitching inside me.

"Keep ... God... keep going..." James whispers, both of our faces red as we work hard. We're both almost there now. We're both ready to explode any second and I think James is aware I'm medicated.

He drops back down to the mattress, keeping his strong hands on my thighs and lets me finish what I started. I don't know if I knew my body could even move this fast and right as I orgasm and let out a moan way too loud knowing Nate is sleeping in the other room, James rounds his back off the mattress with his abs contracted and let's go inside me, letting out his own string of soft panting and profanities.

"Holy shit." I crash down against him completely exhausting my body.

"Right?" James wraps his arms around me and laughs a little. "Good morning to you too. Or good night."

He doesn't ask questions. He doesn't make me feel bad in any way for taking advantage of him or being high. He clumsily works his hands to grasp the large comforter to pull over our bodies while I'm still on top of him and he is still inside of me feeling the last effects of his orgasm.

This is how we fall asleep.

******

*Nate*

The tub water has cooled down which wakes me up. I notice Jules is no longer here with me. I'm not surprised. She got what she needed. Her medication. She is probably passed out on the couch now. I pull the drain, tiredly get out, dry off and put my boxers on before heading to bed. I don't bother checking on Julia. She took her clothes and headed to bed so I'm not going to chance waking her.

But she's already awake, isn't she? I hear her moans. I hear his bed. I inhale sharply and pull the covers over my head completely.

Julia is something else. A force to be reckoned with as it is. Now that she got her fix, she's feeling all the things she wants to feel, isn't she? I can't even be mad at James because if Julia gave me the chance, I'd be doing the exact same thing. Fortunately, either I woke up towards the end or they didn't last long because it dies down within a few minutes and the hotel room is quiet.

"Oh Jules." I sigh, shaking my head before falling asleep. She's gonna be the death of me, that one.

*****

"I'm so excited!"  Casey exclaims before shoveling a forkful of eggs into her mouth. Everyone met up in our suite for a ten am breakfast. I had the caterers come in at nine thirty to set up and we all gather around the huge dining room table to eat before our Eiffel Tower private tour.

 I don't say anything about Julia's little midnight rendezvous. But I do see her struggling more than usual with the food in front of her.

"You ok, doll?" I whisper while sitting next to her. James is on her other side so she can help him with his meal, but she hasn't taken one bite. Her hands shake and she drops the fork while trying to position it correctly for James.

"Sorry." She ignores my question, picks up the fork and her cheeks fire up when everyone notices. "I... I don't know what my issue is."

"It's ok, babe." James patiently waits but Julia drops his fork again.

"Shit." Julia swallows hard now realizing her morning dose of Ativan didn't work. She needs more. She looks at Jonah but he shakes his head no, already knowing what she is implying.

"I can take over for you." Casey jumps right in and helps James so he can eat.  The embarrassment on Julia's face is something I never want to see again. She looks down tearfully and clasps her shaky hands together under the table, knowing she can't be the one to care for James like she wants. I hold her hand under the table and give it a little squeeze to let her know it's ok.

"Jule. You gotta eat something." I whisper. Last thing I need is Trisha rolling her eyes at Julia because of her issues. But Trish is too busy shoveling food in her mouth and looking down at her phone, making me wonder if she's texting that firefighter, Noah.

"I'm really not hungry. I think I'm gonna lay down for a bit until it's time to go." Julia begins to stand up but Paul shakes his head.

"Moretti. Sit." Paul stares at her from across the table. Surprisingly, even though she stares right back at him she nods and sits back down. He nods a little and she begins to eat. I've never seen her listen to Paul in that way before though I know when he was at the Avalon with her, they had a little silent way of communicating whenever Jeremy came around. Paul has learned how to take care of Julia and she listens to him and begins to eat. I raise my brows at the bodyguard, but he shrugs me off and continues on with breakfast.

"When we're done eating do you want to come walk the dog with me, Julia?" Casey asks, trying to get Julia's mind off her addiction. She nods yes with a mouthful of food but immediately jumps up, startling us all and knocking the chair down behind her to run to the bathroom.

"Shit." I scramble to follow her, and Jonah is right behind me.

Julia barely makes it to the toilet before throwing up her breakfast. Jonah closes the door behind him and begins to wet a face cloth.

"What's going on Jules?" I ask, concerned.

"She needs more Ativan. Her body is telling her the current dose isn't enough for her addiction. We really need to detox her soon." Jonah sighs as Julia begins to cry and throw up again. She doesn't have much in her system so it's more of dry heaving, but the retching takes over her petite body.

"I can't stop." She cries. "I don't even have any food in me!" She holds on to the toilet while sitting on her knees and I sit behind her, holding her hair and rubbing her back.

"I know, Julia. It will pass."  Jonah hands me the wet cloth to put behind her neck to sooth her. I feel so bad. This is all my fault! 

"She's never been like this though." I look up at the nurse.

"Because every time she's been on the medication, she's gotten higher and higher doses. In the hospital that Dr. Patel lady kept upping her dose to calm her down when she wouldn't leave James's side. Now her body thinks it's going to get more but it's not. Unfortunately, this is something she's  gonna have to ride out. I can't give her another dose. Jeremy said every four hours. That's it.

"I fucking hate you Nate." Julia sounds just like my sister Cara right now and I don't blame her one bit. But I do continue to hold her hair back and help her calm down. 

Eventually it does pass, and Jules leans back against me, exhausted.

"I don't think I can go to see the Eiffel Tower." She closes her eyes, and I put the wet cloth on her forehead.

 "You sure, doll?? I don't want you to miss out." 

"I don't even care about a fucking tower." She sits up and round two hits her of dry heaving. Shit. She's really feeling this hard. Jonah looks at me and shakes his head, feeling bad for us both. He knew I had big plans for her today. But it's just not going to happen. Not with her like this.

"I'll stay with her. I've seen it a million times." I say quietly, not really caring if I miss out. I was doing it more for everyone else. "Paul and Trisha can take you all. Make sure James goes though. I want him to enjoy it and Jules isn't gonna be able to take care of him anyways." I add.

******

*Julia*

"I'm sorry you had to miss out." I lay in Nate's bed with a bucket Nate found under the kitchen sink. Everyone is gone and Nate stayed behind to take care of me.

"I was doing it for you guys, doll. I feel bad you aren't experiencing it with everyone else."  Nate says while hold a glass of water for me to sip before putting it back on the nightstand. He lays back down with me and spoons me, wrapping his arms around me tight as I shake.

"One more hour, ok? Then you can get another dose." He reminds me. If it doesn't work though I'm gonna lose my mind and I think Nate can tell. I also know he is concerned and stressed out about this by the frequency of his chest pains today. Maybe it was a good idea he stayed behind to rest. His body is telling him he needs to slow down.

"Maybe I just have a touch of the stomach bug or something. Maybe I shouldn't eat, just in case." I try to play my cards right to ensure my stomach stays empty to feel the full effects of the Ativan.

"No, princess. You need to eat. Jonah said this is all part of the addiction."

"Can I get the pill a little early then?"

"Sorry, love." Nate whispers. "Try and think of something else, ok?"

" I CAN'T!" I begin to cry now. I can't wait another hour.   "Please, Nate!" I beg but he doesn't give in to me. I should have known. He's probably used to his sister doing shit like this. He won't budge. Shit. I'm not gonna get my way. "Where's the pills Nate?" I sit up in bed and push him. "I need one. NOW."

"Jules, stop. " He sits up and when I go to push him again, he catches my wrists and shakes his head at me. "It won't work with me, sweetheart. Try again."

I drop my shoulders in defeat. Because I know it won't work. He won't falter because he takes care of me so he will only do what is right. I hate that. God, do I hate that. Tears flow from my eyes but I stop trying to get Nate to cave. It'd only be a waste of time.

"One more hour. That's it." Nate reminds me. I cross my arms over my chest and lean back against the headboard in anger. And as quick as I anger my emotions change. I cover my face and ball my eyes out.

"I need another pill. " I whimper into my hands. " I can't do this anymore. I hate this!"

Nate wraps his arms around me, and I lean my shaking body into his.

 I hold on to Nate's arms so tight, needing him to continue holding me but at the same time I mutter-

"I hate you."

*******