We get through my concert in Manchester and now have to make a decision. Do we fly to Belgium together like planned, or do we split up. If James doesn't fly, he can stay on the tour bus and drive overnight for nine hours, and I will fly and get there in under two hours.

Jonah reached out to Dr. Giovanni, James's neurologist, about the pain he experienced during our flight into London. The doctor advised James to limit his flying as much as possible, reminding him it can take up to a year for his brain to fully heal. This is anything but the afterparty I had planned. The production team enjoys all the perks after the concert while the rest of us sit on the couch discussing what to do next. Leslie was adamant that I don't cancel any interviews, which means I need to fly no matter what.

"If I did choose to stay on the tour bus, will I be all alone?" James asks nervously.

"No. Casey and Paul will be with you." Jonah nods at Casey, who nods back. They've apparently already discussed this.

"I will go with you too." Julia smiles over at James half doped up from her Ativan dose.

"Julia.." I drop my shoulders. "You're seriously not coming with me?"

"We are NOT together. I'm going with James." Julia crosses her arms and glares at me.

"Won't you need bodyguards, though?" James is thinking of everything, and I can tell his mind is going a mile a minute.

"There will already be a security team waiting at the airport for Nate when he lands. He can pull two of the bodyguards to be with him until you and Paul arrive in Antwerp." Trisha says.

"If you decide to stay on the bus, I will have the catering company stock it up for you right now. You just gotta let me know. My pilots are waiting for me at the airport now for whenever I'm ready."

"Yeah. Ok. I don't want to be a vegetable again just because I flew too much." James chuckles, but we all agree not to chance it when we can drive. There will be times driving won't be an option, so we will take advantage while we can.

But my heart hurts. It's really over between me and Jules, and now we're not even traveling together. The more time apart, the easier it will be for Julia to move on.

Nothing is going as planned.

*****

*Julia*

I can tell this is hurting Nate, but James's health comes before hurt feelings.

"I'll go take the dog out now, then." Casey puts Maggie's harness on her, and Jonah follows her out.

Nate is already talking to the caterers who begin to pack up food and drinks to load up the tour bus with.

"I feel bad I'm changing everyone's plans." James scratches the back of his head and looks around the now crowded room.

"Don't feel bad. Plans haven't been consistent once since we decided to come." I take his hand, and we weave through the production team crowd to get outside.

Paul is already waiting by the tour bus. Crew members just finished cleaning it, and all suitcases are on a dolly waiting to be transported to the airport. Paul sifts through the luggage to find James, Casey's, and my suitcases along with his own to bring back on the bus. The catering team follows Nate with rolling carts of boxes that I assume are filled with food.

It's late, and everyone is tired.

"Just waiting for Casey to come back with Maggie." Paul says to Nate.

"Ok. Text me when you are in the area, Paulie." Nate swallows hard and turns to me now.

"I guess I'll see you sometime tomorrow." He leans in closer but then remembers, frowns and takes a step back. He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down with sadness.

I hate this.

"We gotta get going too, Playboy." Trisha says while looking down at her phone.

Five minutes after the Tour Bus door is closed, we feel it start moving.

"If we need to stop at any time, I can call the driver. Trisha gave me all the info I needed. And I have your meds. Not Casey." Paul says as a warning. "She's here to watch over everyone, but it's me you'll have to fight, so don't try anything, Moretti."

He grabs his suitcase and opens it to get clothes so he can change out of his suit and tie.

"Jonah already gave you your final dose today, so don't ask until morning." He's not fooling around. Paul means business. I inhale sharply and watch him go to the bathroom to change.

"I'll help you." I say to James, who has his bodyguard attire on as well, though I only made it through half of tonight's concert. I went backstage before Safe Haven would be played.

"Ok, then wake me up if you need anything." Casey yawns and heads to bed.

"This all feels weird." James looks down at me while I unbutton his dress shirt for him, something he doesn't have the coordination to do yet.

"What? Traveling separately?"

"Just... everything. Three fewer people in this mansion of a bus. Going to Belgium.... and for what? Another evening in a rec room before having to travel again?"

"Yeah, this time. But I bet there will be days when we have more time to see the city and stuff. Try new foods and explore..." I start.

"You're crying." James puts his hands on top of mine, and I look away.

"I'm so sad." I cry, and James pulls me in. He sighs and kisses the side of my head.

"Because you still want to be with him...."

*****

*Nate*

"You're in a sour mood." Trisha avoids my eyes as she walks down the aisle. I've been short since we boarded the plane, but she knows why. Nothing is going as planned.

"You ok, Nate?" Jonah asks with more warmth than Trisha possesses in that body of hers.

"Um-hmm." I close my eyes and lay my head back on the recliner.

"I think it was the right decision." He sits down next to me and pops open his recliner.

"James? Yeah. It's not worth the risk of flying when he can just stay on the tour bus and meet us at the venue."

"No. You and Julia. You two need a little space." He leans in a little. "It'll help. She'll come back. She always does."

"Yeah, Mate. I'm not so sure she will this time. I've striked out too many times. Fucked up too much. I'm going to bed." I grumble and head to the back bedroom.

Once undressed, I lay in bed, pull the covers up and grab my phone. Of course, the first thing I'm gonna do is text Julia. Not call. She never answers her calls. She's about an hour and a half into her drive already, but I know Julia. She won't be sleeping yet. It takes her a while to wind down.

Normally, I'd text Paul to check on Jules, but he can fall asleep within ten seconds, so there's no way I'm going to text him. It's after 1am, but I chance it regardless.

[Hey Jule. Just checking in on things. Everyone good?]

"You really should sleep, Nate." Trisha leans against the doorway.

"I will."

"Your radio interview isn't until 11 in the morning. The plan is we land in about two hours but are going to just sleep on the plane until about nine thirty. We'll get ready and a car and bodyguards will be waiting for us by 10. We'll head right to the radio station and then meet up with everyone at the Venue in the afternoon."

"Ok." I close my eyes, still holding my phone in my hand.

"Things will get better." She says softly and leaves the room, making me wonder if she was saying it to me or herself. Trisha worked so hard so seeing that nothing is going as planned has got to be disappointing for her.

Just when I begin to give up and put my phone on the table, Julia texts me back.

[Everyone's fine here. They're sleeping]

I get right to it knowing I'm losing her.

[Jules, I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. I need you to know that, and I'm never gonna stop apologizing. But I'm also never gonna stop loving you.]

To my surprise, two seconds later Julia is calling me. She never calls me.

"Jule?" I quietly answer right away.

"I can't text. My hands are too shaky. Paul won't give me more Ativan."

Her voice is soft but sad. She's been crying. Her hands must really be shaky if she's actually calling instead of texting right now. I don't waste time.

"Julia. I love you. I'm sorry. I need you to know that."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Nate."

I close my eyes tight, already feeling my tears start. I've never been so emotional over a woman. Ever.

"I know it doesn't, love. But I'm gonna keep apologizing. My mistakes are ones I know you can't forgive. Not with the shit you've been through in the past." My voice breaks a little from my emotions. I pause to try and hold it in. "I hate how I'm changing. I hate the person I've become." Admitting that truth out loud for the first time put a pit in my stomach. Because it's true.

"I hate it too." Julia says flat-out.

I hold the phone to my ear but close my eyes tight and fucking cry. Again.

"I don't want to lose you." I cry, maybe a little too loud if I don't want anyone to hear.

"I'm already gone."

Julia hangs up.

I throw my phone and fucking lose it in my pillow once again until I fall asleep.

*****

"Nora will be here in ten minutes to warm you up." Trisha talks and walks fast down the hall of the radio station. "Your voice is shit this morning."

"Thanks?" I sip my tea and try to keep up as our bodyguards lead the way. The studio is small and I won't be here more than an hour. Small talk about tour, answer questions then sing one song acoustic.

"You need to pull it together." Trish doesn't look at me but doesn't need to. I know I need to work harder, sleep more and stop fucking crying all the time. Jonah already had to give me a pill before we even got off the plane.

We stop short and the door is opened. Leslie is already here and waiting to steal Trisha from me.

"One second." Trisha pulls me aside before entering and Leslie closes the door again. "I mean it Nate. Leslie is sensing something is up with you. I'm getting the brunt of it."

Leslie is like Trisha. Extremely good at what she does and expects the same effort from all around her. I'm slacking.

"Hey," She says softer. "Everyone is fine. They're scheduled to get to the Venue in about two hours. She's good, ok?" Trisha knows that's what I need to hear to get through. I close my eyes and put my forehead on her shoulder, not caring if the bodyguard sees.

"I'm so tired."

"I know you are, c'mon. Let's do this."

*****

*Julia*

"She's not ok. She shouldn't be on this shit. What the hell was Donovan thinking?"

I hear James and Paul talking when I get out of the small shower. I'm calm now but an hour ago I was about to jump off this bus while it was moving.

Paul had to call Jonah who eventually got back to him to give me another dose of Ativan. One pill isn't cutting it now. My addiction is stronger than ever and I need more and more.

"I'm just the distributor, Gallo." Paul grumbles. They are probably still cleaning up after my breakfast blowout and Maggie is starting to get used to my outbursts. And probably eating eggs off the floor.

I hate that.

There's barely enough room to change in here but I manage and then walk out with my tail between my legs. The first thing I do is head to Maggie. I lay down on the floor on my side next to her doggie bed and pet the pup.

"I'm sorry sweet girl. I don't mean to yell and be scary." I cry. Why the hell am I not numb yet?

Maggie inches over and licks my face. She forgives me, but it makes me cry even harder. James kneels down next to me and pets Maggie.

"She's fine, Julia." He says but I can tell by the tone in his voice he's not happy with me. I'm making his dog on edge and Maggie is everything to James. She's like his child. So when she gets scared because of something I do he gets protective of her and mad at me. I don't blame him. I'd be the same way. So I can't be upset with James. I just hate feeling like everyone is disappointed in me.

"I'm sorry. I hate that I'm like this. I'm so unhinged!"

"C'mere." James scoops me right up into his arms like Nate would and leans against the couch. He then pushes my hair away from my face and holds me. Just like Nate does. Like he's been taking notes on how to try to care for me. It's not the same but it's James. "None of this is your fault."

I know what James is saying. It's not my fault at all. It's Nate's. Never have I had an episode because of James. Never have I needed to be sedated because of James. It's always been Nate.Yet here I am, wishing it was Nate's arms around me. There's no denying I'll always love James, but the back and forth between the two men ended a while ago. He knows that, though he'll never stop trying.

"Julia, can we try to eat breakfast again? We will be at the venue soon." Casey kneels in front of us, and I nod, taking her hand to help me up.

"I'm sorry." I say again to everyone sitting in the small booth table of the tour bus. I'm sorry, and I'm thoroughly embarrassed because of the way I acted. Again. I also know I'm calmer, thanks to the med. Now I know why Jeremy says most people with Bipolar are on Ativan all the time. But why does my body have to be the one addicted to it. Needing more and more to feel the same effect?

******

*Nate*

"Ok, next question." The apparently well-known on-air radio personality's translator says. The young reporter for the radio station looks down at her notes and speaks in Dutch so I have no fucking clue what she's saying. Even the translator is hard to understand. But I'm used to this. I just have to keep reminding myself where I am so I don't mess up. Today I'm in Belgium. I repeat that over and over in my head as the day goes on so I'll remember for tonight's concert.

"Vertel me over het tourleven." She looks up at me and smiles.

"Tell me about tour life." The translator says.

"Tour life is amazing." I try to keep talking while the translator translates back to the reporter. "A lot of traveling ahead. We have just started but I love this. I love seeing all my amazing fans who have supported me over the years. Life on the road can be hard but it's so worth it."

"We hoorden dat je verloofde zich bij je voegde. Dit is de eerste tournee Nate Holland is niet single!"

I swallow hard when I hear the translator. "We heard your fiancée joined you This is the first tour Nate Holland is not single!" Ok, where the hell is the question in there, lady?

"Yep." I look over at Trisha on the other side of the window and shrug.

"Heeft Julia Moretti geliik?"

"Yes. Julia Moretti. My fiancée." I look over at Trish again who just shrugs back at me and laughs a little, though I can't hear her.

The reporter rambles on too quick for me to understand one thing she's saying , not that I would but even the translator looks like it's hard to keep up.

"So whatever happened between you and Mila Giovanni? One day you're all hot and heavy and the next you're engaged to Julia Moretti? There's gotta be more to this story!"

And there it is...

"Things happen. As the world already knows I'm a recovering alcoholic. I was going through a tough time and don't blame Miss Giovanni for going back to Italy. Her focus is her career and that's how it should be."

"But she attended your first night's concert in London. Did you know ahead of time? You must have been happy to see her."

I shift in my seat a little. "I had no idea she would be there, no. But I thank all who came out that night to support me. Wembley was sold out and I'm beyond grateful for all who attended. It was a really special night for me in my hometown." I don't budge on anything and I think the girl can tell she's running out of time. I still have to perform my song.

****

"You did great." Trisha hands me a cup of tea as we leave the studio. She can tell I'm flustered.

"Is EVERYONE gonna bring up Mila? If they only knew how much this fucked Julia up."

"Nooo... you fucked up. No one else but you. Reporters are gonna be reporters. You handled it well though."

"I never want to hear her name again." I huff and climb into the SUV. I lean my head back and close my eyes. "What next?"

"Nothing until tonight. We had planned on some sightseeing with everyone but...yea... that all changed." Trisha lays her head back and turns it to look my way as we start driving.

"We still can if you want to."

"I'm so tired, Nate."

I laugh a little. It's funny to hear Trisha say she's tired. Leslie has her running around like a chicken with it's head chopped off and Trisha is feeling it. We aren't getting any younger.

"We can go back to my dressing room and hang out. Sleep."

"Oh thank God."

We head back to the venue and the bodyguards walk us through the building. We have at least two more hours before the Tour bus gets here. Jonah is in the rec room watching a movie but I think he is ready to fall asleep as well. Both me and Trisha head straight to my personal dressing room. There's two couches and we each take one, falling asleep in record timing.

When I wake up, it's because Holly is here to get me ready.

"Shit. What time is it?" I sit up. Trish is still sleeping on the other couch.

"Don't worry. I'm early. It's five. Everyone has been hanging out in the other room. The caterers just served dinner, and you don't go on till eight. To be honest, I come early for the free food." Holly laughs as she confesses, and I relax right away. I have time. Time to go see Jules. I look over at Trisha. There's no reason for her to wake up yet.

"Let her sleep. I'm gonna grab food. What time do I have to be back here?" I stand up and stretch, feeling so much better after getting a few solid hours of sleep.

"I think you have a soundcheck in a half hour, then shower and see me at seven. On the stage by eight... shower again and off to Paris!" Holly reads from her own binder. Paris, France. That's right. We have one concert but then taking 2 days off to sight see before my concert in Berlin.

I rush out, knowing I only have a half hour to eat and talk to Julia. But when I get to the rec room, Julia, Casey and James are gone.

Jonah is feeding the fucking tapeworm he has and Paul is on his phone pacing, something to do with his mother. That much I can tell.

"Where is everyone?" I quickly grab a plate and pile whatever I can for food on it before sitting next to Jonah at the table.

"Well, I'm here..... He's there.." Jonah says with sarcasm. "And your hot mess is outside walking the dog with James and Casey. They need to stretch their legs after that drive.

"How is she."

"She's a mess, Nate." Jonah doesn't stop eating. He's still pissed at me for...well..everything. "And slow down. You're gonna give yourself indigestion." He watches me shovel food in my mouth.

"I only have a half hour before soundcheck. When did they leave for their walk?"

"Like....five seconds ago."

I frown hearing that. I won't get to see Julia now until right before the concert. Again, this is not how I planned for things to go.

******

*Julia*

"Where are we again?" James asks as we walk the dog. Well... Casey walks the dog. We are trailing behind her just to get some fresh air and steps in.

"I think Belgium?" I reply. Nate posted the travel agenda in the bus and on the plane to cross off each destination once we're done, but I don't know the agenda by heart.

"Think we'll eat waffles for dinner?" James laughs at his own joke and leans into me a little.

"Ha. Ha. Ha." I roll my eyes at the comedian.

"You seem much better now. Better than this morning, I mean."

"That shit works. But I hate that I'm addicted to it." I hold James hand as we walk but just as friends. To be honest. I don't know if I've ever actually gone for a walk with Nate ..nevermind walking and holding hands. "Thanks for taking care of me this morning. And sorry....again."

"Babe, stop saying sorry. You sound like Jonah the other day wh-"James's voice trails off, and he stares ahead while walking.

"The other day what?" I question.

"Don't be mad." James squeezes my hand a little.

"Ok, well, saying that alone is gonna make me mad." I sneer.

"I had another seizure. Number five." He says, and I stop short.

"What? When?! Why didn't you tell me thi-"

"For that reason alone." James interrupts and puts his hands on my shoulders. "I didn't want to worry you. You were already having a rough morning."

I look up into those blue ocean eyes and frown. "So you... you didn't tell me? James. That's not us. We tell each other everything. I could have helped you or-" My tears build up fast.

"Hey, look at me. Babe, I'm fine. It was quick. I didn't even know, and Jonah changed me. You were in the bathroom getting ready for the day."

"But we tell each other everything..." I say softer with hurt feelings. I don't want James to hide shit from me, not tell me things, or walk on eggshells because he thinks I'm gonna explode. Which means I need more emotional help than I'm currently getting. I'm getting so out of control he is holding things back and that makes me sad.

"I'm sorry." James wraps his arms around me in a hug. "I should have told you as soon as it happened. You're right. A lot has happened between then and now and I didn't think it was a big enough deal to cause you more stress. I'm sorry."

God why can't my relationship with Nate be this easy? Why can't HE tell me everything. Or hug me and everything bad suddenly vanishes like it does with James? Maybe because James is my best friend and Nate never was. Me and James have always been friends even after breaking up. Aside from that one time he needed space which was short lived, we have always had great communication regardless if we were together or not.

"Promise to tell me next time? No matter what my mood is? I want to be there to take care of you." I start walking again so we can catch up to Casey.

"Yeah. Promise."

I grab James's hand and he smiles down at me while we continue our walk. We loop around the huge building multiple times while Casey walks the dog. She is pretty quiet but content. I do begin to see a little of me in her. The good parts of me, at least. It's the little things that make Casey happy. Like being outside and walking the dog. She doesn't need to be busy all the time like Nate and Trisha. I see how Jonah is into her. He's the same way as me and Casey. God, me and Nate are so opposite. No wonder all we do is fight.

"So what's going on with you and THE Nate Hollan?" Casey untangles Maggie from her leash and asks in a very easygoing way.

"He knows we're done. He can put that ring right next to the other engagement ring he had for his ex." I sigh and James squeezes my hand once, letting me know it's ok.

"He proposed to someone before??? I bet it was Macy. They were together forever." Right. Casey is a fan. Of course she would know about Macy. She follows Nate on all social media platforms. I tend to forget that because I think her fangirling has died down since working for and living with Nate. His true colors aren't pretty some days and she's been around for some of those.

"Yeah right. You say that but you guys aren't done." James shakes his head at me. "You love him."

"I love a lot of people. Ok well, no I don't. I have no one. But you know what I mean." I scoff.

"Why do you say you have no one??" Casey asks while we stop so Maggie can sniff whatever the heck she's sniffing in the grass.

"You must know my story by now. Dead son. Deadbeat husband. Dead parents ...no siblings."

"Oh.." Casey becomes quiet. "I didn't know about your parents. I'm sorry."

"My mom died giving birth to me. Dad died when I was a kid. I spent my teen years in foster care until I met Luke."

James knows this story already, but sometimes saying it out loud makes it more real. He squeezes my hand again and looks down at me with sympathy.

"You have family. You have my family, remember? My sisters and mom. We all love you." He says to make me feel better.

"Yeah, I think that ship has sailed. I'm too stressful to be around, remember?" I swallow hard remembering the girls coming to that agreement when I was taking care of James at Nate's but still going through my own shit. Jeremy shit.

"That ship doesn't just sail when you're family. Sorry. You don't get off the hook that easily. They overreact, but its just because their so protective of me. Siblings fight but get over it quick and move on. They still love you." He explains.

"And you have us. Your dysfunctional group of friends Nate hired." Casey laughs.

"I'm pretty sure Jonah has about had enough of me. Paul is Paul, and I can GUARANTEE Trisha does NOT have any love for me."

"She does. She's just.... hard." James continues, and Casey nods and nudges me.

"See ..you've got a whole village that love you, Julia."

Maybe I do. I smile at that. Jonah and Casey, and Paul actually have all been so good to me. Maybe they ARE like family to me.

"I think she's had it, Case." James looks down at his tired dog that is lying on the grass panting. "Aww, did we tire you out, you big baby?" He bends down and scruffs Maggie's ears while she licks his face.

"Yeah. We should head back and get ready for tonight's concert. Are you gonna be in the Arena or watch from backstage?" Casey asks me. I've seen the concert once...the first night. The night Mila was there. I don't need to see it again. Not while still being upset with Nate, at least. Plus, that means James would have to suit up and stand there as my bodyguard, and I would rather just chill out in the back room with him.

"Nah. Seen it once seen em all. I rather hang out in the other room and watch from there."

A look of relief washes over James and I can tell right away he is happy with my decision. We head back to the building and once inside the rec room, Casey fills the dogs water and feeds her.

"That was quite the walk." Jonah says.

"Almost four miles! She's a tired pup now." Casey looks down at her smartwatch to see our progress.

"Where's Nate?" I ask in a quieter tone.

"You missed him. He waited around for as long as he could before he had to go do his sound check and then get ready." Jonah looks at me a little sad for his friend, but in a way, I'm happy we missed each other. This will be good for us. This space is needed I think.

"But you you have to grab your food and have a virtual meeting with you-know-who. He's been waiting for you to come back." Jonah reminds me.

The only reason I'm not at the Avalon right now is because Jeremy signed off on it. So I have no choice but to keep up with my virtual meetings. At least they aren't in-person ones.

"I can help James." Casey grabs two plates, one for her and one for James.

Debbie, one of the caterers who travels with us, knows me well. She may even know my story thanks to the media attention because she is always extra nice to me.

"I made these specifically for you and put em aside. I know they go fast." She says. Looks like someone wants your attention." She ticks her chin and I turn around.

Nate is showered and ready to go on stage. Guitar hanging from his body and earpiece hanging from his ear. He looks good. Too good.

"Can I steal her for five minutes?" He throws his award winning smile at Debbie and grabs my arm to quickly pull me into the other room.

"FIVE minutes. That's all I ask." Nate closes the door to his now empty dressing room. He looks good, but his eyes are tired. Sad. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep the act up. I'm mad at him, but I'm not one to hurt people, not like this.

"Five. That's it." I cross my arms over my chest, trying to hold my ground.

Nate slides his guitar around so it is behind his back, and the strap is around his chest. Right when I think he's going to say something, he pulls me in to him and hugs me. I stiffen up but then feel his body shake. He's crying.

"I'm so sorry." He says again, but this time it's all he can choke out. And this time, I'm not numb. I refrain from wrapping my arms around him in fear I may never let go, but I still melt into him and am no longer stiff.

"That's all I wanted to say..... again. I know you don't want to be with me. The damage is done. But just wanted to apologize again. I just wanted to hug you one more time. I won't keep bothering you." Nate quickly backs away, unable to look down at me, and just like that, he's gone.

I turn around to see him quickly walk down the hall, wiping his eyes and hearing him sniff, trying to pull himself together before he goes up on stage.

He broke me, but now.... I'm breaking him. I don't want to be that person. That's not me.

This.

This isn't me.

*****