*Julia*

During my morning session with Jeremy, Nate decided to tell him how I got ahold of an extra Ativan after already having a few doses in my system.

When Jeremy asked if there was a reason for the self medication I lost it. He asked Nate to leave the room so he could talk to me privately and I told him everything.

Well, almost everything. I still can't bring myself to discuss the shower incident when Nate was too rough. Jeremy could tell there was more for me to confess but knew I wasn't ready. It was a small thing, anyway, but I have a feeling it was Mila on Nate's mind when he acted like that and not me.

Jeremy talked to Jonah and now has me on a full doze of Ativan every four hours for the time being. Before, I was only getting 0.5mg., now I'm getting 1mg and have to admit...loving it. The sedating feeling that the medication gives me is enough to calm my nerves and put a bit of a goofy smile on my face. If anything, it helped EVERYONE around me for the rest of the day. Now I know why Bipolar patients are on this prescription and wonder if this is what a normal person feels like all the time. My mind isn't all over the place and I feel calm.

Nate and I haven't talked about anything today. I barely saw him before he left for the day. I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. I'm obviously having a hard time with it all. Not just Mila but the fact he lied about it and then to see her attending his first concert even after he told me he blocked her...yeah, that doesn't sit well with me.

Trisha, Paul, Nate and Leslie went off to Nate's scheduled interviews while the rest of us stayed behind. It was raining all day so we hung out in the Arena's rec room that Nate's team sets up wherever we go. We watched movies, played some competitive matches of ping pong and basketball along with feeding our faces with the free food always available thanks to the caterers.

I decided to watch the concert from the rec room instead of out in the arena this time and James stayed with me. He's been having some headaches but downplaying them, not wanting to worry me and ended up falling asleep on the couch during the concert. Maggie curled right up with her owner and it was the sweetest scene. I had to take a picture to send to his sisters.

I facetimed with Kendall and Ashley for a little bit and showed them this enormous game room Nate has set up at every venue. I assured them James is doing well and it put their minds at ease.

It's now after ten and I can hear Nate has just a few more songs before the concert ends and this room fills up for the afterparty.

"Hey, James..." I rub his back to wake him and Maggie jumps off the couch. "Hey, wake up."

It takes him a few seconds to wake up and see where he is.

"Cmon, lets head back to the tour bus to sleep. This room is gonna get really loud with the afterparty." I say while writing a note for Nate on a napkin to tell him where we are. I let him know we are  both tired and going to sleep and leave the note on the coffee table under his phone. I put Maggie's leash on her while James nods, stretches and stands up. He's still half out of it when we leave the Arena through the garage exit and walk through the rain to "home."

Maggie does her thing on the grass right before we get inside so now she's good to go for the night. She heads right for her doggie bed while I turn on a light to the massive tour bus. This thing is like three RV's put together. Like an apartment really.

"I'll help you get ready for bed." I say. James is still half out of it as he kicks off his shoes and I take off his clothes. Once he heard I was staying in the rec room for the concert, he didn't bother changing into his bodyguard uniform like Paul, so is just in a T-shirt and running shorts like myself. But he's also sporting a massive hard on even though he's barely awake.

I ignore it and pull out the trundle bed from the couch.

"Are you sleeping with me or him?" James asks in a raspy voice. I turn around to face him and stand up straight.

"I haven't really talked to Nate much today. I don't know what happened in the middle of the night. I was coming down from the Ativan, that much I know. I don't know... We haven't talked about anything." I ramble. "So I guess I'm sleeping here with you."  

I'm not sure where we stand right now, Nate and I. I think I need a real break from him. At least until I can get myself back on my feet again. Right now, my main goal is to stay sedated. To feel numb. That's all I want and Jonah gave me my final dose a half hour ago so I'm feeling all sorts of 'numb happiness' right now. James doesn't need to know that though. 

"Good." He tucks my hair behind my ears and gazes down at me with his sleepy eyes.

That's when it happened.

James leans down and kisses me. Not just a peck on the lips. He pulls my face close to his and open mouth kisses me seductively  pulling me in to his body. His soap opera kiss. The one that makes me ache right away every time.

"James..." I break away.

"Julia." James sighs. 

"We're not together." Do I really have to remind him this?

"One more time before you get back together with him. Cuz, you know you're gonna get back together with him.." He frowns and rests his forehead on mine with his eyes closed. "I miss you."

"Anyone could walk in here." I look around and James smirks. He doesn't care. He never did.

James kisses me again and this time, I don't break away. I throw my arms up over his shoulders and thread my fingers through his hair pulling him in more. The Ativan has taken away all self-control, and I'm instantly aching to feel him.

God, it's been so long since I've been with James.

I want this. I need this. Every bone in my body is screaming for his touch. To feel him. All of him. Without even thinking about anything, I pull my shirt up over my head and throw it on the counter, doing the same with my shorts. All while kissing James with so much passion we'd put porn stars to shame.  He sees I'm wearing the infamous red lace bra and underwear set and groans, twitching against my stomach. He's still not fully awake and sexy as hell right now.

"You know I'm not gonna be the one to stop, babe." James reminds me while keeping his mouth open and on mine as he talks. "Julia, I want you so bad."

 I say nothing but take over our kiss and slide my tongue in. He sucks it gently, and I could fricken orgasm right here and now from that one thing. I tug at the waistband of his boxer briefs. I'm not really sure how much time we have, but I know we will be alone for a little while. Which is why I decide to slide down to my knees before releasing James from the confinement of his underwear.

What did I get myself into?

But when my eyes travel up to meet his lust filled eyes, I know it'll be ok. James will never force anything or be too rough. He lets me lead the way. I put the thoughts of the last time I did this and how awful it was out of my head and let my lips  graze the length of him.

The second my tongue touched his skin, James let out a low groan of pleasure that made the flutter in my stomach travel straight my core. Something about pleasing him. Knowing what I'm doing is driving him crazy makes me want him even more.

He leans back against the counter a little and tangles one hand in my hair. But he doesn't apply pressure or push me in. He lets me lead the way while looking down and watching everything  I do. And the moment I take him deep in my mouth, another groan fills the air making me hum, the vibration making his eyes close for a quick second.

Sparks tingle down my body and I know the Ativan is playing a part in this for me. I'm easily aroused as it is but right now? Right now I can barely handle it. While one hand is wrapped around his erection, the other slides down into my underwear and I let out another hum of pleasure against him.

James is barely hanging on now.

While giving James a teasingly slow blowjob, his breathing becomes more labored and another soft moan fills the air around me. I'm already getting myself close and I see James looking down at me. He's looking at me but not really focusing on me. There's this hazy 'fuck me ' look in his eyes that I've never seen before. He is enjoying this. Watching me, feeling me, knowing I'm getting myself closer and closer while he's in my mouth. His breathing is now ragged and he quickly pulls me away, making it known if I kept going I'd get a big surprise I may not be ready for. Not from James.

"Babe.... I can't wait any longer." James voice is a deep groan and he lifts up my bra to take my breast into his mouth. My hands are in his hair pulling him in more and he moves to the other side, driving me crazy. Then he slides a hand down my underwear and I lose all control. I was already so close, but just a few circles from his fingers against my nerves made me shudder and bite his neck a little. James loves pain with his pleasure and I can feel him twitching against my stomach while getting me off.

"Oh God." I mutter against his shoulder as my orgasm takes over my body. James turns me so I'm the one leaning my back against the counter but struggles with his hands to pull down my underwear. I quickly yank them off and  he grabs the back of my thighs, lifting me up on to the counter before thrusting into me. Hard. It takes my breath away and the porn star moan that comes out of me makes us both laugh a little.

I love that about James. The fact that even during our most intimate moments, we can smile and laugh together. It makes me fall in love with him more and more.

The rain picks up and the noise masks our voices as we have sex on the tour bus. On Nate's tour bus.

"Oh my God James..." I hit orgasm after orgasm as he slams into me in his usual James fashion. It's been so long since I've felt this. Felt him. I wrap my legs and arms around him and hold on tight, letting him take over completely. Tears fill my eyes and not because of pain, though with James, there's always a little pain with the way he stretches me to my limits. The tears are from the pleasure. I close my eyes and a slight smile forms on my face from feeling the overwhelming sensation of...James.

Right when I didn't think I had anything left in me, James drops his head to my shoulder, rounds his back and begins rapidly thrusting into me so hard and fast I come undone one last time before he lets go of his own orgasm.

"Fuck.." James gasps and begins to slow down. "You... you feel so good." He says without any breath left in him. The haze in his eyes takes over me and I give him a drunken little Ativan grin.

"We're so good together." I admit, feeling the last wave of electricity run through my body.

"Bout time you admitted that, baby." He continues to rock into me not wanting the sensation to go away. While he's still inside me he straightens his back and laughs a little. "Um.... yeah, " He looks around. "That was...a lot."

He filled me up completely. My shirt is on the counter next to me and as much as I hate to clean up with my t-shirt, it has to be done. I chuckle a little and shake my head.

"The things I do for you, Mr. Gallo." I ball up my t-shirt and quickly take over when he pulls out.

"Who's gonna do THAT laundry??" James laughs again and it fills the tour bus, making me laugh. Again, that's the thing when I'm with James. We laugh. Even during awkward times. I know we're not together and I hate to compare, but I can't say I've ever laughed during sex with Nate. Nate takes care of me when things get serious but James..... I'm so happy when I'm with James.

******

*Nate*

The second I get off the stage of Night Two Concert, Trisha throws her arms around me proudly. 

"That was perfect!! Do you hear that crowd?!?" She is seeing all our hard work pay off and everything coming together right in front of her eyes. The roaring from the crowd seems louder than last night, if that's even possible, and tonight we had not one mistake. Relief, adrenaline and gratefulness wash over me as I listen to my fans cheer.

"Night Two down!" Jared  exclaims while he walks off the stage. He wipes the sweat off his forehead with a towel. Right behind him come Tommy, Andy, Craig, Kyle, Dominic, Evan and Alison, all doing the same.

"Guys, that was better than last night." I gulp down water as Trisha hands out water bottles to the band. Everyone agrees tonight was amazing.

Jonah, Casey and Paul arrive seconds after the band and Casey looks around the room.

"Where's the dog?" She asks, usually the one to take Maggie out. Paul looks down on the table where my phone is and hands a note to me to read.

"No Julia tonight?" Evan asks with  smirk. 

"She went back on the bus to sleep." I look down at her note.

"Aww. That's too bad." Evan's devilish grin makes me look at him in disgust. 

"And you..you stay away." I squint my eyes at Evan who is making it very clear he is interested in Julia. I know he's only kidding around so don't take it seriously.

"Ok, shower, eat, relax for a few before we hit the road again. Next stop is Manchester." Leslie announces to us all and we do as told. 

Once showered and back in the rec room, I notice most of the band is already getting wasted. I look over at Jonah on the couch and decide to sit next to him. I hand him a ginger ale and we both clink our cans together. 

"Cheers, Mate." I take a swig from my can.

"Guys, other room if you're gonna drink that shit. Not near Nate. Recovering ALCOHOLIC remember??" Trisha snaps at Craig and Dom who both nod and leave the room with their booze. And thanks to Andy and Kyle, this room smells like Snoop Dogg's living room. They pass the joint around between the two of them knowing no one else is interested.

"This is the stuff I need to get used to." I swallow hard and Jonah gives me a little nod.

"It will get easier. I wish they wouldn't drink in front of us but, to be honest, looking at the Vodka bottle makes my stomach turn. Now if they were passing around whiskey it'd be a different story." Jonah states. His addiction is the same as mine. Beer and other booze don't really bother us as much as seeing a bottle of whiskey, but it's still hard to be around knowing the other shit can give you the same effect.

"I should probably check on Julia." I slouch down a little and close my eyes.

"Already did while you were in the shower. She was trying to fall asleep." Jonah takes a sip of his ginger ale and gives Casey a little smile while she's talking to Alison.

"Yeah, in who's bed?" I cock a brow at my nurse who inhales sharply.

"Who do you think?" He huffs. "You screwed up, my friend. I know it may not have seemed like a big deal to you but anything to do with Mila Giovanni is a big thing to Julia. To the point she's being sedated now."

"I hate that she's on the Ativan again." I say while watching the production team filter into the room and mingle.

"I don't." Jonah looks at me sincerely. "It's helping her. Yes, she will have to detox from it eventually but not anytime soon. And who know, maybe she will be on a low dose for a very long time to help control her moods. It's not ideal but this IS Julia we're talking about. And this isn't an ideal atmosphere for her to have issues."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, I'm always gonna be Team Nate, but you dragged Julia out of the country when she clearly isn't well or stable enough to handle it."

"I had no choice! Julia isn't gonna get admitted to the Avalon. Not with that prick working there. That's like feeding her to the wolves." I say lowly so no one can hear us but with enough irritation that Jonah knows I'm getting heated.

"You did have a choice. You still do, Nate. You have other options.  You can hire a live-in nurse  for her at James's house. They both can get the care needed in the environment needed."

"One," I start. "Who? Casey? You guys are together now. You wouldn't get to see her for months on end and to be honest, I'm not sure Casey can handle Julia. Two, I want Julia with ME! I want to show her the world, I want-"

"Nate. It doesn't matter what you want. You're right. Casey can't handle Julia, you'd have to find someone that can. And as far as showing her the world, this isn't showing her the world. This is dragging her on tour where you will have interviews during the day and concerts at night. An agenda and tight schedule that doesn't allow much wiggle room. Sure you can sight see here and there but that's not why you are traveling. You are traveling for work. This is your job and you need to focus on your job. You can take a vacation some day and show her the world. When she is healthier. When you aren't on tour."

"So...what? I never get to see her?" My voice cracks a little as I feel a knot forming in my stomach.

"She broke up with you, remember? Julia's not with you. And now she probably feels so lost and stuck." Jonah puts his hand on my shoulder, seeing that I'm starting to get worked up just thinking about this. "All I'm saying is, you have options. Ok?"

"I need air."

 I stand up and make eye contact with Paul, letting him know I need to leave this room. He's a good bodyguard and knows my cues without me even having to say them. I head to the exit and Paul quickly follows me out the door to the private parking lot where all of the busses are. It's pouring out but I don't care. I close my eyes and lift my head, letting the rain hit my face while trying to calm down.

"What's going on?" Paul asks.

"I just needed air."

"In the pouring rain?" He mumbles getting just as soaked as I am. Too bad. It's his job.

"Yep." I say with my eyes closed. 

Then I sit down on the wet steps, now not caring how wet I'm getting and Paul does the same. I rest my forearms on my knees and drop my head down.

"Is this about Moretti?"

"It's always about Moretti." I can feel Paul's eyes on me but I don't lift my head.

"You're giving up on her." Man of many words.

"No. I'm never gonna give up on her. But I need to do the right thing, Paul. This isn't it."

"She loves you, Nate. You fuck up and she still loves you. All she wants is to be with you. Julia doesn't care where or how. She doesn't care about the details. I can't let you send her back to The Avalon with Jere-"

"I'm NOT sending her back to the Avalon. That is not an option. You and me both saw what he did to her, with our own eyes." I shake my head. "Christ. She's slipping through my fingers, Paul."

I take a few deep breathes before deciding to just call it a night.

Paul and I are the first to head back to the tour bus. Everyone else is still enjoying the afterparty. When I walk in, I fully expected to see Julia  with James in the trundle bed but he's sleeping alone. We walk in further to see Julia sitting on the ground in the bathroom in just her bra and underwear. Her knees up to her chest and her head buried in her arms crying. Both Paul and I rush down the hall of the tour bus to get to her.

"Jules, what's the matter?" I kneel down right as Julia looks up at me with pleading eyes. 

"I need more." She cries but shakes her head. "I don't want more. But I need it. Look at me!" Julia throws her hands out to show us how they shake.  Her addiction is running strong in her veins and she's going to continue to need more and more until she is numb and sedated again. It's getting worse.

"Look what you've done to me! You did this!" Julia wails and her words stab me in the chest. Because of my actions Julia is back on the drug she is addicted to. Because of me. I sit down in front of her and stare at her, almost in shock from what I have done. This.. it's all my fault.

"C'mon, Moretti. Lets get clothes on you." Paul takes over and pulls Julia up, walking her out of the bathroom. But I remain sitting here, stunned. "Nate. Snap out of it and find clothes for her."

I scramble to my feet and grab her suitcase. I give Paul her pajama pants and a t-shirt and help him dress her before anyone else comes in. Julia is shaking and crying and I can tell this is killing Paul as much as it is killing me.

"Alright. C'mere Jule. Take a breath." I say  and scoop her up into my arms once she is dressed. Like last night, I sit on the recliner and hold her until she eventually cries herself to sleep. And when I feel her finally drift off, I drop my head back against the recliner and cry. Right in front of Paul. "I don't know how to take care of her. I'm making things worse."

"You're the ONLY one who knows how to take care of her." Paul leans against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest. "Don't give up on her, Nate." It's the last thing Paul says to me. He shakes his head at me and heads to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

I'm not giving up on her! Why would he say that? Because he gave up on his mother and put her in a home, now regretting it? This is a completely different situation! I'm not giving up on her, I just don't know what to do.

Julia lets out a slight whimper in her sleep that breaks me every time.

"Shh.. It's ok, doll. I've got ya." I whisper to her and kiss her sleeping head while I'm still crying. Fucking pull it together Nate.  "I'm so sorry...for everything I've done to you." 

I kiss her cheek a few times before laying her down next to James on the trundle bed, where I know she will want to be when she wakes up. I  kneel down to pull the covers over her petite body. She curls up into a ball but towards me and away from James. I stroke her hair a few times and kiss her perfect lips before I back away and go to my own bed.

But I get no sleep.

******

*Julia*

I wake up when I feel the bus stop moving and reach over James to grab my phone on the couch. It's five in the morning. Everyone's asleep. 

Everyone but Nate.

He's sitting at the small pull out table across from me but doesn't notice I'm awake. He's staring down at his cup of tea in his hands but not drinking it, off in his own world. His hair's a mess. His eyes are red and puffy making it known not only did he not sleep at all but he has been crying.

"I love you, Jule." Nate's tired voice startles me. He doesn't look up at me though. He continues to talk while staring down at his cup. "I know you don't love me anymore or want to be with me, but I'll always love you. I'll always want to take care of you and make you happy."

I get up and take the vacant seat across the table. Nate's eyes travel up to meet mine and I immediately feel a hard lump form in my throat. The sadness in his eyes is something I've never seen before. Not on Nate. Not like this. I say nothing and let him continue to talk.

"I had all these big plans for us. I tried to make it work but I keep fucking up. All I keep doing is fucking up and making things worse for you. I wanted to take care of you, to have you by my side." A single tear falls down his cheek and  I inhale sharply trying to hold in my own emotion.

Because I know Nate has tried so hard. He wanted this experience to be a dream vacation for me. A getaway from all the shit that's happened in L.A., in Boston. He did everything he could to try to make it work. Hired a nurse for me, brought along my best friend and his dog, heck, even spent thousands of dollars on the surprise wardrobe for both me AND James.

"All I want to do is what's best for you." He chokes out.

"What are you saying?" I don't know where he is going with this but I can already feel it in my stomach that it's not good.

"If you want me to, I can book you a flight home." Nate's voice cracks and he frowns right before more tears stream down his face. "I'll still take care of you. I'll do whatever you want or need me to do."

I realize Nate isn't the only one crying right now.

"You want me to go home? Back to the Avalon? Huh? Is that what you're saying?!!" I burst. "I can't breathe" I bolt up out of my chair and exit the tour bus.

We're in Manchester now. In a parking lot, filled with Nate Hollan  Around The World Tour busses. I begin pacing back and forth not caring I have no shoes on and am in my pajamas.

I'm in my pajamas.

Nate helped me get dressed last night, didn't he? I was having a panic attack. I know that much. James was sleeping and I was starting to feel everything again. I needed more Ativan. The walls were closing in on me. I remember going to the bathroom and getting sick. I couldn't stop crying.

 I had a panic attack and Nate took care of me. He took care of me like he always does.

The tour bus door opens and Nate comes out wearing a pair of running shorts and a t-shirt now. He closes the door behind him and stands there watching me pace, unsure of what to do. I stop walking around and face him.

"Why is it always you?" I quietly cry and look up at the man towering over me. "Since day one." I push his chest and he takes a step back. "Huh? Tell me!"

*****

*Nate*

Julia pushes me in the chest again while crying but I'm not following what she's trying to tell me. She attempts to push me a third time but I grab her wrists and pull her into me, wrapping my arms around her. She cries into my chest for a moment then tilts her head up to me.

"Why is it always you?" She asks again. I furrow my brows, unsure how to answer her question. "Even when I'm mad at you, you still take care of me."

"I'm always gonna take care of you. And I wasn't talking about the Avalon before either. I was saying if you don't want to be here I would figure it out for you. Hire nurses.. do whatever. That's all I was saying."

Julia pushes off me and points her finger in to my chest while she talks.

"You did this to me. You had to go and ruin everything. Now I'm back on Ativan and it's all your fault. Now you want to just send me off? Am I in the way, Nate? Because things are going as planned and I'm an issue? Is that why? God, I can't stand you!"

"Julia stop. That is not what I'm saying. At all. Can we please just talk without you yelling at me?"

"No. You wanna go talk to someone? Go talk to Mila. I bet she never raises her voice."

******