The show must go on, and it did without any issues. Once I was standing together with my band back stage, minutes before showtime, a wave of adrenaline hit me. You could literally feel the energy in that arena.

"This is it. This is what we've been waiting for." Tommy pats my shoulder. "Listen to that fucking crowd, Hollan. That's for you. Bring it in."

We huddled in a circle, all bouncing on our feet taking in the energy, while Tommy continued his pep talk. I knew any and every negative thought in my head needed to be left right here backstage. I knew once those curtains open I had to put on the best show of my life. 

And I did. In my hometown.  At Wembley. My sold out show. This is what I was made for.

I pay no attention to the cameras everywhere or the hot lights that follow me as I run around the stage and play my songs. Switching out guitars when needed, talking to the crowd, reading signs, staring at Julia.

She did decide to sit in her designated seat in the front row with both Paul and James in front of her as her bodyguards.  Casey is an excited ball of tears and Jonah looks proud to be on her arm. Trisha is watching backstage with Leslie and I glance over at her and wink during a few songs. But my focus is on Julia. It's always Julia.

The atmosphere slows down a little when it's time for my ballads. The  lights go down completely and I run backstage like planned. Trisha quickly rips off my black sweaty polo shirt and replaces it with a black tank top to show off my arms and cool me down a little. Holly wipes the sweat from my face and fixes my hair.

"You're doing amazing!" Trisha's eyes are filled with tears, and Leslie also looks like a proud mother right now. 

I gulp down water and take a deep breath before going back out on stage. The lights are still off so no one can see me. One of the crew members hands me my acoustic guitar and adjusts my microphone while I get myself situated on the stool.

Here we go. One dim light shines on me, and the crowd fills my ears again. I put my earplugs in and give them my million dollar smile. They paid a lot of money to get here tonight. This is what it's all about.

"Thank you. You guys are the best. Seriously! Nothing beats being up here in my hometown looking at all your beautiful faces. I'm gonna play an oldie you may know and then introduce a brand new song  that has never been played live before. You all get to hear it first. Live."

The crowd is insane. Even with the earplugs in. My body can physically feel the energy from my fans. I look back at my band and begin to play my older song first. "Flicker." I sing the words to Julia and don't care when my eyes fill up with tears. The crowd absorbs them for me.

"When you lay there and you're sleeping
Hear the patterns of your breathing
And I tell you things you've never heard before
Asking questions to the ceiling
Never knowing what you're thinking
I'm afraid that what we had is gone."

I can see Julia stiffen up and her chest heaving a little harder as she tries to hold in her emotion. There's a moment when she looks away and I think she might walk out of the arena, but she stands still and is drawn back to my eyes again.

We're not over yet. 

*******

*Julia*

Casey told me I would regret it if I didn't go out and watch the concert and pretty much forced me out here. But I'm glad she did. Thanks to the drugs, I'm calm as can be, and I can tell everyone is relieved. James and Paul stand right in front of me so nothing happens. I ignored the  negativity from fans when I was spotted. James would look back and check on me every once in a while.

Then Nate played flicker. I almost lost it. The words resonated with our current relationship status. I realize I'm overreacting due to my trust issues. I can't let someone like Mila take my place.. I'm in love with Nate too much. And to then see him with tears in his eyes, singing the lyrics right to me in front of thousands and thousands of people in the arena... It made all the problems we ever had melt away.

Then Nate plays Safe Haven. A song no one but me and the band have heard before coming to London.

"No one told me it would be so hard, To live this life. To move past events that have scarred, When the pain stabs like a knife. We lose control, we throw grenades. We push and we pull till one of us breaks. But I wanna be the one you turn to, even with all my mistakes. I wanna wrap my arms around you, I wanna be your safe place." He glances up at me before singing the chorus. "Let me show you the world, take away all your pain, Let me hold you and love you. Be your safe haven. You're all that I want and all that I need. I give you my heart though its broke and diseased. Let me show you the world, take away all your pain. Let me hold you and love you. Be your safe haven."

The song ends, and Nate pulls his guitar off and stands up, staring right at me. I can't seem to look away. I don't belong here and don't fit into Nate's world, yet here I stand, falling in love with him all over again.

And then I look at one of the big screens to the right. The fans go insane as the camera zooms into Mila Giovanni in the stands outside one of the celebrity suites, clapping and cheering Nate on with tears in her eyes. Nate notices the screen right as the lights dim, and the last thing I see is a worried look on his face when he glances over at me.

I see a worried look on both James' and Paul's faces. I stand frozen listening to the crowd go crazy for Mila. I need to get out of this Arena. I look over at Casey and squeeze past her and Jonah trying to get out of the aisle quickly.

"Julia..." I hear James, but don't look back. My only focus right now is that lit up exit sign off to my left. I push the door open and escape the noisy atmosphere, looking both ways, trying to figure out where the room we hang out in is. Everything is a blur. Then I realize it's because I'm crying.

"Hey." Paul catches up to me before James does.

"I don't know which way to go!" I screech, not recognizing my own voice.

"Ok.. Ok. Calm down, Moretti." Paul puts his hand on my back and walks me down the hall. James catches up and pulls the earpiece out of his ear, letting it hang around his neck.

"Julia, what's going on?" James speeds his pace to keep up  and Paul opens the gameroom door for me. This is the room connected to the backstage. This is the room Nate goes to grab a sip of water, change outfits or have Holly touch up hair and make-up. Trisha is at the entrance on the opposite side of the room, watching the show.

"Hey, slow down. Take a breath." James says, and Maggie jumps up off the couch when she hears his voice, knowing she shouldn't be on the furniture. Sneaky rat. I plop down, and Maggie forgives me, hopping on my lap, looking for attention.

"Sorry I yelled at you earlier, sweet girl." I whimper and let the pup lick my face.

"Jule..." Nate rushes past Trisha, who has an astonished look on her face ."I only have a second," Nate says, sweaty and out of breath. "I had no idea she was here."

"If you really ended it, why the hell would she still come to your concert?" I lay my head down on Maggie and close my eyes with a frown. 

"I don't know love."

"NATE! LET'S GO! " Trisha is fuming. "You don't have time for this. Get back out there! NOW!"

"Hold on, hold on!" The desperation in Nate's voice throws me for a loop.

"I don't know, Jule. You have to believe me. You can look through my phone. I don't know why she is here."

"Do you hear the way the crowd cheers for her? They love her." My voice cracks.

"NATE!" Trisha runs over and grabs his arm hard.

"I'm sorry.. I don't know what to say, doll. I have to go." He rushes back out on stage, and the fans are louder than ever as he starts the next song on the setlist. Trisha pays no attention to me, keeping her back turned and watching the show with a few bodyguards and Leslie by her side.

"You're not gonna go back out??" James pushes his dog over a little and sits next to me.

"I've seen enough."

*****

*Nate*

I only have a few songs left, but they require a lot of energy.  I can't focus on the fact that Mila is here tonight.  I'm sure there are plenty of celebrity friends up in the suites, but she's not considered a friend. She was once more than that, especially to the public. Why the hell would she show up after I blocked her number? Didn't she get the hint I can't be around her?

I purposely make sure I keep my eyes on either my fans or my band the rest of the concert.  I give the crowd my all and let my adrenaline rush along with the noise of my fans carry me through to the end. Aside from a few minor mishaps, a shoe untied making me need to stop running with my guitar and have one of my backup singers tie it and knocking over my microphone stand making the crowd roar in laughter while I filled the room with my loud laugh, the concert was perfect.

But Julia didn't come back out for the last few songs, and now I wonder what I'm in for when I go backstage.

Not only am I not used to having to deal with this after a concert, but I'm not used to celebrating a job well done sober.

Usually, I go right from the stage to my dressing room to shower and then join everyone for the afterparty. Not tonight.  Tonight, I need to go backstage to see if Julia is OK and also have someone with me in the dressing room so Mila doesn't come find me.

"You did it!!! Oh my God you fucking nailed it!!" Trisha throws her arms around me not caring I'm sweaty and I feel a pat on my back from Leslie.

"Thanks, Trish." I smile and look past her to as Julia and James on the couch petting the dog. There's screens in the game room, so maybe she just watched the rest of the concert in here.

"Jule."

"It's fine, Nate. I'm over it." Julia says calmly. Julia was so worked up not long ago and now suddenly calm?

"That was so much fun!!!!" Casey barges in bouncing with energy, making the entire room lighter. She drags a tired Jonah and Paul behind her.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." I give Casey a little wink and then look over at Paul.

"I need to head to my dressing room." I declare, and Paul knows that means I need bodyguards. "I'll need both you and James. Julia, can you come with me so we can talk?"

"Maggie probably needs to go out anyway." Casey takes the leash from Julia, and her and Jonah disappear out the back.  Trisha is in deep conversation with Leslie and the caterers who are  setting up food for the afterparty.

Julia stands up, not wanting to be stuck in the room with just Trisha and strangers and takes my hand with hesitation.

*****
*Julia*

I'm high as a kite right now thanks to Nate.

No one has any idea that I saw Jonah give Nate an Ativan to put in his pocket just in case, so when he changed clothes in the middle of the concert I grabbed his jeans from the wardrobe rack and took the pill. This was after seeing Mila.

So now I have double the dose in me and feeling pretty damn good. Nate holds on to my hand tight as Paul and James guide us to the dressing room. There are production people everywhere but no fans back here which is good. Once in the dressing room, Paul locks the door and plops down on the couch tiredly. His job is done for awhile.

James looks at me with suspicion, studying my face which gains attention from Nate.

"May I help you?" I joke and let go of Nate's hand. James pull out his ear piece and shakes his head.

"How and when Julia?" James can tell. He can always tell, just like Nate.

"How and when what?" I glare right back at him.

"Why, what's going on?" Nate questions before heading to the shower.

"He doesn't know what he's talking about." I sit down on the couch and close my eyes, feeling the calming effects of the Ativan. 

******

*Nate*

I don't have a ton of time here but quickly walk over to James and Julia.

"Her eyes.." James furrows his brows at Julia. He's not happy with her.

"James. Knock it off." Julia glares up at him right as I grab her chin and tilt her head up to the light to see what James it talking about. Julia's eyes are dark. Real dark. Her pupils are dilated, making it known she's high right now.

"Did someone give you something??" I ask. If it was one of my bandmates, I'm gonna kill them.

"Yeah, you. Thanks, Nate." Julia pulls away from me and crosses her arms. Paul and James now share the same confused look as I do.

"What the hell are you talking about?" James asks Julia but glares at me.

"You should be more careful, Mr. Hollan." Julia laughs, and I swear I can see my sister in her. "Don't think I didn't notice Jonah give you a pill just in case, for when you were on stage."

"What is she talking about??" I can see James clenching his jaw while his eyes are glued to me.

"SHIT!" I pinch the bridge of my nose and begin to pace. "Jonah gave me an Ativan. She must have seen me put it in my pocket and gotten it during my wardrobe change. Fuck. I don't have time for this." I head to the bathroom and slam the door behind me. While in the shower I curse myself for not being more careful. I had no idea Julia saw Jonah hand me the medication nor did I remember it was in my jeans pocket. So is this her..what...third dose in four hours? No wonder her eyes are as big as the moon.

I take the quickest shower, get dressed and quickly get out of the bathroom. I grab Julia's arm and pull her off the couch.

"Jeeze!" She gives me a look but I pay no attention to her. I'm so pissed. 

"Lets go. I have a fucking after party in the other room." I don't even look at Julia as I pull her by the arm out of the dressing room. "I can't believe you, Julia."

"You can't?" She fucking laughs. "Really?" She pulls away from me in the hallway and glares up at me. I drop my shoulders. She's an addict. Just like me. I can't be mad at her. But I do need to tell Jonah so he doesn't give her another dose.

When we walk into the game room it's filled with everyone who made this tour possible for me. At least a hundred people clap their hands and cheer as we enter the room. I fake a smile and thank them all. I should be enjoying this moment, instead I'm looking for the nurse to let him know about my doped up ex-girlfriend.

"I'll go tell him." Paul eyes Jonah. "Go get something to eat Hollan. James. Sit her down a the couch and watch over her." The bodyguard huffs and walks away. I don't mean to, but I look at Julia and shake my head at her  before walking away, letting my emotions get the best of me.

I fake it the rest of the night. Chatting it up with the band. Eating. Celebrating. A few people brought their own booze and are sloshed. Trisha keeps a close eye on me while James keeps an eye on Julia. Julia stays sitting at the couch apparently flirting with Evan now.

"What's going on, Nate? You know I can see right through this act of yours." Trisha can always tell. "Is it the drunken dips over there celebrating?"

"No." I say under my breath and take a sip of my ginger ale. "Julia. She got ahold of more Ativan. High as a fucking kite right now."

Trisha's eyes widen in disbelief. "How??"

"It's all my fault. She went searching through my jeans after my wardrobe change. She must have seen Jonah give me my med just in case I felt the tightness in my chest while on stage."

"Is that why she's flirting with Evan right now?" Trisha looks over at Julia smiling on the couch while in deep conversation. James on one side of her looking miserable as ever and Evan on the other side. We watch Jonah walk over towards the couch and say something in Julia's ear. Whatever he said before walking away made the color drain from Julia's face. She looks down and fidgets with her hands a little, knowing she fucked up.

****

*Julia*

I fucked up. And now everyone knows it. I look down and begin to fidget with my hands a little, then over to Nate who is talking to Trisha while looking at me. Jonah is pissed. Pissed and disappointed and said this is the stuff that will send me on a flight to L.A.,  back to the Avalon. Maybe he's right. Maybe I belong back at the Avalon. Locked up. With Jeremy as my doctor. Maybe I wasn't made for this scene. Tour. Traveling. People. Look at me. A damn druggie. I glance over at James and back down again. My face is on fire right now.

"Scuze me. Need to use the restroom." I say to Evan, not even remembering what the hell we were even talking about. I get up and James follows me out to the bathroom. He walks right into the ladies room, not caring.

I lean on the counter and look at my reflection in the mirror. I don't even recognize myself. Wearing this slutty outfit. Wearing this red lipstick. My eyes are so big and dark right now they don't even look like they belong to me.

"You piece of shit." I say to myself. "Look at you."

"Julia, stop." James walks over and rubs my back while looking at me in the mirror. "You made a mistake." 

"Know the best part?" I laugh at myself. "I love the way I feel right now." I admit, feeling my eyes getting heavy. "It feels...... wonderful."

"Babe.."

"Sick, right? Look at me." I huff still looking into my own eyes I barely recognize. "All it took was one extra pill. This time. But next time I'm gonna need more. And more. I can already tell."

James doesn't know what to say to that. He just stands behind me and wraps his arms around my body, resting his chin on the top of my head.

"I love you, you know that?" He says with his sad Efron eyes. "I will do whatever you need me to do." He drops his arms and takes a step back.

"What do you think I need you to do??" I question.

"I don't know. But you need to detox. You need rehab. This isn't gonna get better on tour. It's not something that just goes away." James says and the door swings open. Nate barges in.

"This is a ladies room. You guys know that, right?" I turn around completely and look at the people I love the most.

"You ok??" Nate's eyes dart from mine to James and back again.

"Better than ok." 

"Jules. I don't know what to do here..." Nate squeezes the back of his neck and begins to pace the bathroom.

"She needs to detox from this shit. She needs some kind of rehab or The Avalon. She needs help with this." James catches Nate off guard with his words.

"How?! We are about to go on the tour bus. We have a three hour drive to Cardiff for tomorrow night's concert. Then a four hour drive from Cardiff to Manchester." Nate throws his hands up in frustration.

I look at James and my eyes fill up, even with being high. "You want me to go back to the Avalon, James? Even with Jeremy there??"

"No, sweetie. God, no." He replies and drags his hands down his face. "I don't know what to do. I just want you off this shit. I want you healthy."

"Can we just take a breath here. Guys, nothing's gonna happen tonight. Just....I don't know, Jule. Sleep off this high or whatever you've got going on. That's all that is happening right now, ok?"

Nate leaves the bathroom clearly frustrated with me and I look at my reflection in the mirror.

"I hate everything about you." I say to myself and wipe off my lipstick with a   tissue.  "Every. Single. Thing."

I  harshly try to scrub off the red lipstick while now full on crying. My mascara begins to run down my face making me hate myself even more.

"Julia. Stop. Hold on." James takes the paper towel away from me. " Good grief, you're gonna tear those lips right off if you scrub that hard."

James spins me away from the mirror and lifts me on the counter. I watch him fumble with the soap dispenser and grabbing the paper towels.

"Help me out a little, will ya?"

I grab a bunch of paper towels, wet them and  put them in his grip. He's trying to help me but I'm helping him instead. Once he has the wet paper towels he gently wipes away my lipstick.

I cry harder seeing James try to take care of me. It should be the other way around. I take care of him. 

"Why did you want to take more Ativan?" He asks sincerely while gently washing away my mascara from under my eyes.

"Because it was there."

"I need more than that, Julia. There's gotta be a reason why, though. What was going through your head when you took it?"

"You have no clue about addiction, do you? Just knowing it's there is reason enough. There doesn't have to be any other reason."

"You're right. I know nothing about addiction." James frowns and throws the paper towel in the garbage.

I'm such an idiot.

"James. I'm sorry." I grab his tie and pull him to turn back around to me. "I know you know all about addiction. I'm sorry." While sitting on the counter I pull him in and wrap my arms around him. He lays the side of his head on my chest and I comb through his hair.

I can tell I made him think of his father and that's the last thing I ever want to do. I'm an awful person.

I'm an awful friend.

"Julia. You need help with this. I don't know why anyone listened to that doctor. There's gotta be a way to help you through your episodes without medicating you. You're addicted to this and now it's only going to get worse."

"Don't you see, James? Nobody knows how to treat me without doping me up. I'm just like Eric Furgeson. Not even Jeremy knows what to do so he tells em to give me Ativan to get me through. Because he doesn't know what else to do."  I know I'm high but I'm making sense.

"You're not Eric Furgeson."

"But I am. There's no way out for me. Now they just say medicate her to get me through the days until my time is up. Don't you see? I'm just another guinea pig until they figure it out. It's what I was made for."

I cry. I cry so hard at the truth in that statement. This IS what I was made for, wasn't it? To try and figure it out, crack the code. And just like Eric Furgeson.... it's not working. Things just keep getting worse. I'll wean off, go through another detox, switch medications, up doses... all to have another manic episode again and go through the motions. Over and over again.

There is no cure. There's just the waiting game. Wait until I'm so far gone I take care of things myself.

What a way to live.

*****