*Julia*

It's been four days since I saw the footage of Nate and Mila Giovanni exiting the studio together. Why would Nate pick Mila to be in his music video after everything that went down last time? And what hurts the most, he told me he wrote the Safe Haven song FOR ME. So why the hell would he have the woman who he cheated on me with in that video?

 Nate has tried calling, texting, sending messages through Paul and even trying to come by and talk to me in person. I don't want to hear it. I don't give him the time of day. I don't give anyone the time of day.

I didn't shut down like I normally would. I do all the things I'm supposed to do. Take care of James. Take care of Mike. Eat. Take my meds. But I haven't spoken one word since I saw that footage. Not one word to anyone. Even when Nate tried to talk to me through my locked bedroom door the next morning, I remained silent in fear the first thing that comes out of my mouth will initiate some huge manic episode. He had to give up and couldn't be late for his meeting so left. 

I bet Mila was at the meeting too since she's in town. I begin playing all these games and scenarios in my head.

It's been days and I still can't digest this information. It's almost eleven at night and I sit outside with the firepit on, thinking about all those awful memories that broke me down. The smell of Mila's perfume on Nate's body. The way he treated me when he was drunk.

Once specific night broke my heart the hardest.

******

"I don't know why the hell you are crying. God, you're such a downer, Jule. I should have just stayed in her hotel room." Nate drunkingly blurts out.

"You went to her hotel room??"

"Well, yeah doll. That's what you do when you fuck all night." Nate laughs.

My heart breaks right then and there. I lift my head with wide eyes in shock. Does he even know what he's saying? I look away and sob. Literally sob.

"Jesus Jule. Pull yourself together." Nate stands up and heads to his room.

*****

A tear rolls down the side of my face thinking about that night. He was awful and I was humiliated. It was like Luke was in the room telling Nate to say those things. I physically experienced a pain in my chest from his words and actions.

"Gonna stay mute forever?" Paul comes out, making it known James has once again fallen asleep on the recliner. I keep my eyes on the fire, but he can see the wetness on my cheeks and pulls a chair over. 

"You should speak to Hollan." The bodyguard stares at the fire like I do. "He's trying to get out of it."

I huff and shake my head. I'm sure he is....

"Julia, his producer did this behind his back. He had no part in it and is trying to figure a way out." Paul looks at me now, but I keep my gaze on the flames.

I can't compete with Mila Giovanni just like I can't compete with Trisha. They live in a different world than I live in. Celebrities are a different breed. James pointed that out to me numerous times in the past. Although Paul has never spoken about it, he knows this is a fact as well.

Mila Giovanni is SO young. SO beautiful and SO infatuated with Nate. Her intentions are never good. The world she lives in, the same world as Nate, is the world where you get whatever you desire. Whoever you desire. She's taken him from me once already. I have no doubt in my mind she will do it again. And since I told everyone I needed space for a little while, Nate has all the reason to be with Mila. I pretty much held the door open for that one to happen.

I pull my knees up to my chest and hold them, resting my chin on them while staring at the fire. Paul doesn't really know what to say. I'm not fighting or yelling or doing anything wrong. He doesn't know how to react to that. 

Because he can't fix quiet.

I don't even bother shutting off the firepit. I get up and go inside, leaving Paul to deal with shutting it all down for the night. I don't bother waking James up to tell him to go to bed either. Instead, I walk into my bedroom and lay in my bed by myself. 

But I know I can't sleep alone yet. I haven't conquered that issue. Especially when I'm so upset. I look up at the ceiling while lying in the big king size bed. More tears roll down as in my head I hear the laptop fall to the ground and crash. I see Jeremy lock the adjoining door in the hotel room Paul would have used to break in and save me. I smell the cologne and Jeremy's minty breath before he pushes my head into the mattress. This shit happens every time I try to sleep by myself.

"Julia, you know you can't sleep alone." Paul walks into my bedroom. I roll over to my side and hug my now trembling body tightly as I relive one of the rapes.

"Shit." The bodyguard grumbles, catching on quickly now. 

He knows he can't crawl into bed with me. James can't be alone either and is currently out in the living room fast asleep on the recliner. Detoxing Mike can't care for him if he has a seizure. Paul has no choice but to pluck me out of bed and carry me to the pull-out couch where he sleeps. I curl up in my ball but Paul pulls me in against him to spoon me.

 "You need to talk to someone about all this, Moretti." He whispers. "This isn't healthy."

*******

*Nate*

"So she's just going to ignore me forever?"

Every single morning before work I have gone to Julia's apartment to talk to her but she either slams the bedroom door in my face or the bathroom door in my face. I have pleaded my case against each wooden barrier over and over again. She hears me but she's stubborn as all hell.

"Nate, we really need to go. The band is already setting up in the studio for practice. Tommy just texted me asking where you are." Trisha waves her phone with a sigh.

Christ.

"Fine. Paul or James... can you please talk to her?" I beg of the only two men capable of getting through to Julia. They both nod, still trying to wake up.

"Oh, by the way. I had Dante make extra keys for here. You guys should have a set for safety reasons. He dropped off the envelope yesterday." Paul mumbles through a yawn and gets out of his bed. I look on the counter to where he is pointing and open it, seeing 2 spare keys for this apartment. Always good to have. I nod and leave, already late for the band.

"I can't win." I say once in the car.

"She'll come around." Trisha assures me but I don't buy it. The things I've done because of Mila Giovanni, the way I hurt Julia.... I'm not proud of who I was when I was drinking, and I can't erase the things I've done so I don't blame Jules for being pissed off at me. But she needs to talk to me. We need to work through this. She needs to know this one is out of my hands. This was a decision made without my knowledge. I didn't choose this at all.

"She's still not talking to you?" Evan asks from the driver's seat of the SUV. I shake my head no. "She's a tough one, huh?"

"Yeah. But you weren't around when shit went down between me and Julia over Mila. I fucked up royally and I don't blame Julia for not wanting to give me the time of day right now." I explain to the bodyguard as he drives us away.

"Did you talk to your lawyer about the video?" Trisha asks and I give her a nod.

"He's looking through the contract and will see if he can find any loopholes to get me out of this bind but it doesn't sound promising. I'm going to have to film the video with Mila."

"Fuck, Nate. What are you going to do??" Trish swallows hard. She knows the position I am in right now. She was there too. She knows how Mila was with me and also knows how after a while, even though it was supposed to be a publicity stunt, things were beginning to feel real for me. I was having genuine feelings for Mila. That's hard to ignore.

"My hands are tied. I'm hoping the lawyer can find something before the production team gets things under way. God, I can't stand Richard."

"Well one good thing is this video isn't going to be all hot and steamy like the heartbreak hotel one was." Trisha is trying to be optimistic.

"It's still about love. They'll find a way to push the envelope for ratings." I remind Trisha the reality of showbiz- even in something small like 5-minute music videos play a huge part in your ratings and drawing in more fans. Long gone are the days MTV and VH1 would dedicate their time to music videos. But now that we have the internet, YouTube, TikTok, Instagram- your videos are viewed even more than they were in the past when just shown on Total Request Live or any of that old shit.

"What's worse," I continue. "Is in the meeting, Mila told us she is spending a full month in L.A. with her new baseball player boyfriend so will be local and ready to work. With the new guy on her side, she has learned to speak more English, and you can actually have a full conversation and for the most part, understand her. These things do not work to my advantage. Having a communication barrier hurt but also helped me in some ways. Now, she's more vocal and tells people what she wants. From the most recent interviews, she's telling em she still wants me...even though she is seeing someone! I'm sure Jules has seen them by now which doesn't help my case one bit." I look out the window in defeat.

This whole ordeal is like reliving a nightmare that already happened. Because it did. And I don't know how to legally get myself out of this one. Before you know it, Richard is going to plan another publicity stunt or some shit. I can already see it coming. I know how he is. He's gonna be the one to pull the plug on my already rocky relationship with Julia.

On top of it all, Trisha is in a foul mood. Speaking of rocky, I don't know what's going on with her and Paul, but he's been giving her the cold shoulder lately and she is not happy, in return, taking it out on me with her nasty attitude. Just like I do with her when I'm grumpy.

"I don't know, Hollan. You're gonna have to figure this out. Things got messy last time. You went off the deep end." She continues pressing my buttons. "I'm sick of cleaning up your shit."

"You don't think I'm aware of this Trisha? I'm fucking trying to figure shit out. You know I am." I retort as we pull into the lot. I see the familiar entourage of SUVs and know Mila is here, probably with Richard for another meeting I'm not a part of.

Jesus Christ, can I go more than one week without some kind of drama or stress or negative shit happening in my life?

******

*Julia*

"Still not talking to anyone?" James nudges me playfully while I help him with breakfast. 

He never takes this shit seriously. He has been through bigger obstacles in life. It's not that I'm technically on strike from speaking, I just have nothing good to say. Anything that will come out of my mouth right now will be full of negativity and pettiness. Nothing important or meaningful will flow through me at this time. So, I choose to hold it in and save everyone from listening to my bullshit.

"Babe. You can vent to me. I get it. You know I do." James can read my mind like always. He rubs my arm to get my attention, but I continue to keep my eyes lowered as I peel his orange for him. "Anyways, are you guys even together? You said you needed space.... from everyone."

I glare up at James letting him know that is not helping my case. I pretty much gave Nate an invitation to fuck around with Mila by saying I needed space. The timing of my words couldn't have been worse.

Paul stays out of it and folds up his bed back into a couch. I don't even think James was aware that's where I slept last night since I woke up at four in the morning from an awful dream and didn't bother trying to fall back asleep. Paul, on the other hand fell back asleep within minutes once he knew I was fine.

"Well, Trevor is going to take me to morning session. Mike is gonna try and go too." He looks over at the detoxing man who definitely does NOT look like he wants to attend the session- which makes me think Jeremy is forcing him to start back up. 

"You want to come with?" James asks sincerely but I just huff as an answer and begin cleaning up from breakfast while he finishes his food.

"Suit yourself. Eventually you're going to have to start going, though." He continues through the knock on the Avalon door that Paul answers. Trevor stands in the doorway and Mike lets out a sigh.

"Sure you don't want to join us, sunshine?" He smirks. Mike knows it's the last thing I want to do. He walks to the door, a shaky mess of a human and waits for James to join.

"And eventually you're going to have to start talking to me, sweetie. I miss you." James whispers, kisses the top of my head and follows Trevor and Mike out. That leaves me with grumpy Paul who is sitting in the recliner reading his damn newspaper no one knows how he gets.

 I ignore the man and let Maggie outside to do her business. I take in the dreary rainy day that aligns with my mood. I can't help but think about Nate heading to the studio to go work alongside Mila. I have no idea if that is what he is doing but I bet she's there. I'm sure Mila will make sure to be everywhere Nate is. I lean my hip against the door frame and cross my arms, feeling my eyes sting with tears. 

I was so lost in my own thoughts I didn't notice Paul standing behind me until he put both hands on my shoulders.

"You're gonna drive yourself crazy thinking about it, Moretti."

I turn and bury my face in his chest when my tears take over. Paul wraps his arms around me and I feel him drop his head down to rest on mine and hug me. It's a sweet hug. He knows what I went through during the Mila era. He saw me shut down hard.

"He won't fuck up again." Paul says to me.

I lift my head and give him a sarcastic look.

 "This is Nate Hollan we're talking about." I finally speak and no truer words come out of my mouth.  "The kid can't keep his dick in his pants for the life of him."

Paul bursts out into laughter and squeezes me tight. I can't help but crack a smile at the choice of words to break my silence. But it's true and I'm no better with the way I use sex to escape from my problems. So, it's no surprise when Paul's laughter dies down, he catches me gazing up at him.

"He's gonna fuck up again." I say softly.

Then I do something that changes everything once again. Out of nowhere, I reach up on my tippy toes and kiss Paul.

 When I back away slightly, he pulls me up against his body and crashes his mouth to mine. I thread my hands in his hair and pull him in more, letting all my emotions burst out. Tears run down my face as I kiss him feverishly and press my body against his. I am barely touching the ground with the way he is holding me up.

 Paul's kisses are passionate, and I feel like I'm on some crazy rollercoaster. I've never felt so many emotions in one morning like this. He walks me backwards until I'm up against the glass slider with nowhere left to go. My hands drop and rest on his chest, but I look away as Maggie runs back in from the rain. I turn and close the sliders and provide a little distance between Paul and myself.

"Sorry. That was my fault." My words come out a bit raspy from not using my voice in days. 

I brush past Paul, but without turning around, he grabs my hand before I can get too far. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I turn back around and look up at him. His eyes are closed like he is having the same internal battle I am and when he opens them and looks down at me, it's the sexiest look I've ever seen on him. The look of lust, sexual longing and desire, passion. It's the look of passion. 

Like he's been craving me, craving this, forever.

******