*Nate*

"Can we talk?"

I'm finally allowed to use my voice, and the first thing I want to do is talk to Julia. She seems so distant from me. It's been a week since I was discharged from the hospital, and I'm finally getting my energy back. This means Trisha is back to booking me up on the calendar. But I carved out a few hours today because I need to have this conversation with Jules.

We sit out near the garden today because there is much more room for Maggie to run around verses Julia's yard. Mike is having an in-house medical appointment in the infirmary. He may need IV fluids because his detox is really taking a toll on the guy. Dr. Tremont volunteered to bring James to the morning session so Paul could leave the premises and get some much-needed time off.

So it's just me and Julia. We sit at the picnic table next to each other, but she seems so far away right now.

"You ok, doll?" I lift her hand I'm holding and kiss it, but she continues to stare ahead at nothing.

"Yeah, why?"

"You seem.... off." I admit but say it softly, not wanting to get under her skin or cause any kind of argument.

"I'm fine." She turns to me but gives me a fake smile before turning away.

"Did I do something wrong?" I ask. I don't know what else to ask here. Something is up.

"Not at all." She pecks my lips, but it feels cold. No emotion to it. Like she did it to shut me up. She stands up like she is going to walk away to play with Maggie, but I grab her hand, making her turn around and look down at me.

"Jule. What's happening?" 

"What do you mean?" She holds on to my hand and stands between my knees. I drop my chin to her stomach and look up at the beautiful woman.

"You're distancing yourself from me."

Her eyes soften, and she runs her fingers through my hair. 

"I know." She admits.

"Why?"

"It'll be easier to do it now so when you leave it won't hurt as bad..."

 THAT'S why she's doing this? I throw my arms around her waist and hug her, feeling tears sting my eyes.

"That doesn't make sense. I want to spend as much time with you as I can before I go, and you're pushing me away.

"How are we going to get married, Nate?"

"WHAT?!" I freeze and wonder where this is all coming from now. It's like Julia is thinking clearly. Too clearly as weird as that may sound. She's thinking far ahead on step ten when we we're still on step three. My hands drop away from her, and I look up to meet her eyes.

"Marriage. How? Tell me so I know what to expect." Her eyes aren't filled with tears like mine, and that scares the shit out of me right now.

"Jule."

"I need to know. Will you, what... move into the Avalon with me? Will it always be a long-distance relationship because of your job and Trisha keeping you away?"

"Trisha keeping me away...? Julia. What are you talking about?" I ask more sternly now.

"She books your schedule up so you can barely come here and -"

"That's her JOB, love. She has to do those things." I feel a tear run down my face. "What's happening?? Where is this coming from all of a sudden?"

"I feel so clearheaded right now." Julia turns away from me and looks ahead in the distance at Maggie playing with her chew toy. "I feel like I am healing."

I'm so fucking confused. She's all over the place. I stand up behind her and wrap my arms around her, resting my chin on her shoulder.

"But I'll always be here." She continues. "At the Avalon. Is that what you want your life to look like? Your future?  I want to know what the plan is. You and me. Us."

"I don't know what the plan is. Can't we figure it out when I come back from tour?" My heart is in my throat listening to her question everything. Julia was never one to think ahead. Now, that's all she's doing.

"When you come back from tour, there will be something else that pulls you away from me."

Macy said this same thing to me once. I wasn't on tour but still away.  A lot.

A lump forms in my throat, hearing those similar words come out of Julia's mouth. I'm losing her. Because of my fucking job I'm losing her. Just like I lost Macy. A sharp pain runs through my chest and a tear falls down.

"It's your job. I don't want to hold you back either. This is my life. Here at the Avalon. I've accepted that." 

"Jule. What are you saying?" My voice cracks a little.

"Maybe it would be easier to start our break now instead of waiting until you're on tour."

"WHAT?! Julia NO!" I spin her around. Tears stream down her face now. She's been crying this whole time and I couldn't see it. "Why are you saying this shit??"

"Everything's changing Nate! Can't you see?"

********

*Julia*

I think I need a break. A break from everyone. No, I didn't have sex with Paul. It was a heated moment in the middle of the night. A kiss that turned into more of an intimate encounter before Paul felt a tear fall from my face and stopped. The scary part about it was ... it wasn't a tear of regret. It was a tear of reality.  Stability I've been longing for. Neither of us said sorry or regretted the moment. We no longer said "stop" or "this is a mistake". We didn't use words at all. Paul wiped my tear and dropped his forehead to my shoulder with a slight nod before rolling off me. Yet he still pulled me into his bare chest where I laid my head and let more tears flow until we both fell back asleep. In each other's arms.

For the first time in a long time, I'm clearheaded. I'm thinking about my future. My future that Nate made possible for me. But I'm thinking about his future as well.

Everything makes sense and nothing makes sense all at the same time.

"I can see myself getting better, thriving here. Making a life for myself. That's what you wanted, right?" I ask Nate.

"Yes, of course! But that doesn't mean you and I-"

"It doesn't? So tell me how. Walk me through it, Nate. I need to know these things!" I plead. "Tell me how it will work!"

"I don't know! We'll figure it out!" Nate furrows his brows as his tears roll down his face.

"Will you move into the Avalon? Give up your apartment? And then every time you have to leave, Paul will have to come in and watch over me?" I look up at his sad face, needing answers.

"Jule, I'm not sure. We're not there yet."

"Are we wasting our time on something that may never work out?"

"Julia, Stop! I love you. I don't know what's going on but I love you. I don't want to take a break. I don't want to think about what we don't need to figure out for another six months."

"Because you'll be gone. You'll be busy. I'll be here and you'll be away."

"It's all temporary. It's just a few months. Then I'll be back. You're overthinking things." He pulls me in and hugs me but without any answers for me...

"We need a plan. You and me. Us. I need to know what you are planning to do. Because I'm here. And it's working."

I pull away from Nate and walk inside without another word. I walk down the hall with tears in my eyes knowing I have a fifteen-minute walk back to my apartment thinking of this shit.

I'm not wrong. I deserve to know what Nate is planning on doing. I need to know what to expect when he comes back. And he doesn't have a plan. He doesn't have an answer. He's just winging it. Nate is always just winging it.

All sorts of thoughts run through my head. Is this all happening because of Paul? Am I just confused? Or are these valid questions that normal people need answers to and because I'm healing I'm finally asking them too?

By the time I get to my apartment I'm a sobbing mess. I fumble with my keys with shaky hands to unlock the door for a good minute before it opens on me.

"Why are you still here?" I look up at Paul who answers the door. He furrows his brows when he sees my face.

"What happened? Did something happen? Where's Hollan?" There's a little bit of panic in Paul's voice when he sees me crying with no one walking me back here. I shake my head and walk inside. I lean against the door once it's closed, feeling myself begin to spiral out a little.

"I need a plan! I need to know what it will look like."

"Moretti, what are you talking about??"

I look up at the bodyguard who takes a step closer to me.

"I'm just confused. You and me... we're just confused. That's all this is."

Paul steps in closer and cups my face, leaning into me more.  "Is it?"

******

*Nate*

What the hell just happened? I stand in the garden, dumbfounded. Is this Julia's way of breaking up with me? I quickly come to my senses, knowing Julia shouldn't be walking through the Avalon alone and whistle to get Maggie's attention. I fumble to get her leash back on her and rush inside. I don't even bother pulling my mask up.

By the time I speedwalk to Julia's apartment I'm wheezing and need to take a hit from my inhaler, still not 100% recovered yet. I bang on the door violently, not having a key but hoping Julia made it in safely herself.

"Jule. Open the door!" My British accent fills the corridor. To my surprise it's Paul who answers. I had thought he was gone but he stayed. Julia is sitting on the couch with her head in her hands crying.

"Jule. What's happening?" I repeat. I'm so fucking confused right now!

"I don't know ok?! I just... You should go, Nate. I need time to think."

I rush to her and kneel down in front of her, pulling her hands away from the face.

"Talk to me, baby. I don't know what's going on." I plead.

"You should go. I need time to think." She repeats softly.

"There's nothing to think about! It's you and me. It's always you and me. Us. Right? We can figure it out. We always do!"

"Do we? Or do we just keep pushing it off?"

"Jule..." I plead.

"Tell me what the plan is."

"I don't fucking have a plan!" I cry out. "Who cares! I love you. That's all that matters."

"You should go."

 "Why are you doing this?" I burst but then notice Julia begins to breathe heavier. She's having a panic attack.

"Moretti, take a breath." Paul notices what I notice.

"I can't. Nate, I need to know!" She's hyperventilating and at the worst moment possible, James and Trevor come back from session, with fucking Jeremy right behind them to check on Julia.

"Babe, you good?" James notices right away.

"Everyone needs to go!" She cries out and puts her hand on her chest.

"She's having a panic attack." Jeremy pushes past everyone, including me, almost knocking me on my ass, to take my place kneeling in front of her.

"Julia. Look at me." He demands.

"I can't breathe!"

"You can. Breathe with me." Jeremy takes over and I back away, scrambling to my feet. Julia listens to the doctor, does what he says. Trevor stands by observing but James's eyes are on me, glaring at me like I fucking did something. I didn't.

"I don't know what's happening." I run my fingers through my hair, not caring my face is stained with tears for all to see. Jeremy is able to calm Julia down with his breathing techniques after a good five minutes.

"Everyone needs to go." Julia says again and walks to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

"What the hell, Nate!" James is ready to give me a shiner and I raise my hands a little.

"Whoa. I didn't do nothing! She freaked out on me. I-" I pause and shake my head. "She was asking me about a plan. Her plan. My plan. I don't know." I ramble. "I think she's breaking up with me."

"Nate. C'mon. Lets go talk." Jeremy stands by the door and I follow him out now, still with this stupid look of confusion plastered on my face. "You too, James."

James furrows his brows, now sharing the same confused look, but follows us. We all silently walk down the hall a little until we are at the familiar door. Jeremy's apartment. He fumbles with his keys and lets us both in.

"I wasn't even there, remember? I don't know what the hell this asshole did." James still thinks I fucked up in some way. Can't blame him though since that's usually the case. But not this time. I haven't even been around.

I haven't even been around......

"Walk me through it, Nate." Jeremy signals for us to sit down and hash it out. And I do. I tell him everything she said. Though as much as I may not understand it, fucking Donovan seems to have it all fucking figured out by the way he is nodding.

"So this wasn't about you and James at all then? Her going back and forth? This is about Julia and only Julia." Jeremy is putting the pieces together.

"What do you mean?" James asks.

"Julia is healing. She's, for the first time in a long time, beginning to think about her future. Before she didn't think she HAD a future. She's no longer living day to day in survival mode.  It's a good thing for her, but she also needs to have a plan in place. And I'm guessing you don't have one. Your life isn't a stable life."

"Bullshit." I retort feeling defensive.

"It's not good or bad, Nate. It's your reality. Your personal assistant keeps you busy and that's good. Good for your career. You are on the road more than off. Between that and your constant in and out of the hospital due to your health you barely see Julia. She is looking for stability. She thrives off of stability and is realizing you don't have a plan to provide her with that."

"Bullshit!" I shove my palms into my eyes and drop my head. Because the fucking prick is right. I'm losing Julia just like how I lost Macy. Because of my job, because of who I am. The same way Paul lost Brittany. And probably the same way Trisha will most likely lose Paul now that he is showing signs of settling down.

Paul.

Shit.

No.

******