*Nate*

Julia seems... Different. I can't pinpoint it yet, but something has changed. I noticed it when I visited her after being discharged from the hospital. Donovan told me she was having a bit of a setback with her eating disorder since she gained a few pounds. And by a few, I mean, only a few. You can't even notice it. But she saw the numbers on the scale, and it heightened her disorder.

Not that I got to see her without her clothes on. I couldn't spend the night, unfortunately. She already has a houseful and with Mike's detox, she is up caring for him at all hours. Not only that, but I was also pretty tired, still recovering from having pneumonia, and still require breathing treatments through the nebulizer. Jonah knows how to do all that, which would mean he'd have to spend the night as well. There's just no room for all of us. 

So, as much as I wanted it, no sex. But it didn't even matter because Julia seemed off regardless, so we probably weren't going to anyway. Maybe she was self-conscious, but again, I couldn't see a difference.

We did eat dinner together. Julia cooked, and it was nice to see her doing normal little things everyone does. She's in her element there, taking care of everyone. Her meal was amazing, though she didn't eat much, and Paul was on her a little more than usual over it.

"She seems to be doing well." Trisha says as she curls up next to me on the couch back home with her cup of tea. I nod but disagree. Instead, I watch golf and try not to think about it. "Paul seemed weird, though."

I grab my whiteboard with a sigh. Trisha wants to chat. Everyone else is in their rooms already, but she wants to hash something out.  I'm not sure what it is, though.

[ How so?]

"He seemed quieter."

[This is Paul we're talking about. The man is a mute.] I laugh a little. But I did notice he seemed pretty quiet. Again, this is Paul.

[There were a lot of people there. You know how he gets.]

"Yeah, well." She stares at the TV but doesn't really watch it. Trisha hates golf. Sometimes, I put it on on-purpose just to tick her off. "I feel like I talked to James more than Paul today. And James WAS once mute."

I did notice that, too.

[Having second thoughts about who you decided to be with, Banks?]

 Is Trisha beginning to regret choices made here? She knows how Paul is. She also knows how perfect James is for her. But if he is still tied up thinking of Julia, it's not gonna work. Trisha doesn't know what she wants, does she?

"No. James loves Julia. You should just give her up and let him have her." She scoffs. "And you can be with me."

 I raise my brows.

 "Relax. I'm joking."

She's not. But I let it slide. 

I know how Trisha feels. I also know it would never work out. She gets like this every once in a while, and I always have to remind her that she deserves better than me. Because she does. SO much better.

[You just want my sexy body and need to get laid] I tease her, and she almost spits her tea out at that, making me laugh more.

"You wish playboy." She gives me an eye roll and heads to bed.

I head to my favorite place in the apartment. 

My bathtub.

*******

*Julia*

Nate seems.... different. I can't tell how. Maybe he was just tired. He is still recovering, and I could tell he gets winded easily. Maybe having a houseful was too much for him. Jeremy and Trevor didn't stay, but we still had Casey, Trisha, Jonah, James, Paul, and Mike with us for dinner. Mike didn't eat. I tried and tried, but he just wanted to sleep. Everyone left him alone. The poor guy is struggling. 

James once again had a "great" session today and blabbed about it to me after dinner. I tease him about it, but the reality is, I'm glad he likes it and getting use out of all the Avalon has to offer. Especially since he chose to stay here while on house arrest for six months. I kept my distance from Paul, still confused on shit, and he kept his distance from me, but I noticed he didn't really talk to Trisha much either. She mostly conversed with James outside in the backyard while Casey tired the dog out.

After everyone left, Paul said he would watch over Mike while James and I went to the gym. Usually, we both run on the treadmill together, and then James does his weights. He needs help with that, so I stop my workout and help him. But tonight, I procrastinated, asking him to run one more mile with me, then another, and another.

"Babe, one of us is gonna pass out if we run another mile. I think it's gonna be you." James said as a joke, but I did, indeed feel lightheaded. I was pushing myself too hard with very little calories in me. James is extremely athletic. He could run the Boston Marathon if he wanted to and be fine.

I finally gave in and stopped after six miles and helped James with his weightlifting. Then, like always, I helped him in the shower.

"We're wearing bathing suits now?" James clumsily pulls at the string of my bikini top with a smirk.

"While washing you men up, yes." I raise my brows at him and begin washing his body.

"Your boobs look good in that." He takes it upon himself to raise a hand and squeeze me with an evil little smile. "It's a nice bathing suit."

"It's supposed to help you keep your hands off me, not the other way around." I wash below the waist, and his breathing gets heavier.

"Keep doing that, and I'm ripping that swimsuit right off you." James's voice lowers like it always does when he is turned on. 

I try to change the subject quickly while washing all his "parts" and then move on.

"You and Trisha talked a lot out there." I observe his face to see any kind of reaction.

"Yeah, she's easy to talk to." 

I disagree, but whatever.

"Who broke it off with who, anyway? We never did talk about that.... bestie..." I smirk.

"Both of us, I guess." James ends it there, and I can tell he would rather not discuss that tonight, so respect it and leave well enough alone. He is very vague with all his break ups yet still remains friends with his exes. Something I admire about him.  James is just an all around good guy.

  I begin washing his hair. James, like everyone else in my life, is really tall. So I have to stretch to reach his head. Sometimes, I put the shampoo in his hair for him and sometimes in his hand, and he does it himself. Depends on his coordination and how long I want to sit and wait for him to wash up when I can easily do it myself much quicker. To prevent any further flirtation, I want out of this shower as soon as possible. I have enough on my mind.

"Incoming!" 

The bathroom door swings open, and Mike barrels in, getting sick in the toilet.

"Jesus Christ. There's another bathroom here." James mutters.

"Paul is taking a shower in that one. Fucker locked the door." Mike hurls into the toilet violently and then lays back on the wall, weak as can be.

"Shit." I pull the curtain to see the damage. He didn't make a mess in any way, thank God. But James is now done with the shower. He walks out with not a care in the world, letting it all hang out with pride. I roll my eyes, shut off the water and grab a towel for him.

"Holy shit man." Mike covers his eyes with his arm like the sun is in his eyes when he sees the VERY well-endowed, erect man. Moreso than your average male, with a perfect body full of toned chiseled muscles to boot. "Put that thing away before you hurt someone."

I wrap the towel around James's waist and give him a smirk. "Stop flaunting, you.."

"What? He doesn't have what I have?"

"GO. I'll meet you in there to help you get dressed, sheesh." I get a laugh out of James and he walks away.

"Are you ok?" I kneel down and swipe Mike's hair away from his face. He is pale and shaky.

"No, I'll never be ok after seeing that. That's not normal, you know."

"Oh I know......" I chuckle.

I help Mike up and open an Avalon flimsy toothbrush for him to use. Then help him back to bed.

"You really should eat a little. Even a banana or something, you know?" I walk back to him after fetching a banana from the fruit bowl. Mike takes it.

"Look whose talking. You barely ate dinner. Don't think I didn't notice. Or hear your conversation with the doctor this morning. Don't start doing that shit, you'll get really sick." He pulls the covers over his shaky body and I pull up the weighted blanket. "I'm so cold."

"I know. This will help." I tuck the weighted blanket around him while he peels his banana and begins to eat a little.

"Can you NOT watch me eat this... weirdo?"

"Aww do you think of James now?" I tease the man who rolls his eyes. "I gotta help James get dressed. Shout out if you feel sick again, ok? Actually. Let me get you some kind of bowl or something, just in case you don't make it."

I frantically look around the kitchen, knowing James is waiting for me to help him in the other room, probably freezing his ass off. I find a big plastic bowl under the kitchen sink. Everything here is new, so I have to take the tag off it first before putting it on a folding table next to Mike's cot. I also refill his water for him and throw some Ritz crackers his way as well.

Once I get James in his sweatpants and help him with his deodorant and all that, he decides to take advantage of Mike being awake and watch tv with him in the living room. Some basketball game that everyone is talking about is on. The L.A. Lakers against some other team. I don't really follow basketball, but I have been to a few Celtics games at T.D. Garden with Luke and Danny, which were fun. Before Luke fucked up our marriage.

When Paul is out of the shower, he joins the guys, so I feel comfortable leaving James while I go out to the patio.

 I grab a blanket and opt to light the small gas firepit Jeremy bought for my backyard and sit outside with the dog. She's very smart and doesn't go near the firepit, which is good but does enjoy being out in the backyard when it's dark. It's very quiet since the Avalon is surrounded by woods, and you have to drive down a long, windy road just to get to the entrance. The only time you ever hear a car is when someone comes or leaves this back parking lot.  Since it is only Jeremy and I who live in these apartments and I don't leave the Avalon much, it's usually just him coming and going or Nate. Tonight is quiet. I leave the slider open a little and can hear the men cheering. Obviously, we are winning the game.

I stare at the fire, mesmerized by the flames, and try not to let my mind wander on this day.

*****

*Nate*

"You alive in there?" Jonah knocks on my bathroom door.

"Nope." I use my voice to answer while in the tub. I apparently fell asleep in here for a little while because I know why Jonah is knocking.

"Sorry to bother you, but you need your nebulizer treatment, my friend."

"Yeah, yeah, fine. I'm getting out."

"Ok. I'll go set it up." Jonah leaves, and I unplug the drain. Playtime is over. I had a feeling it was that time as my chest does feel a little tighter, and when I get out of the tub, I begin coughing a little. Looks like I will be using the nebulizer for a little while longer. The doctor did warn me that the cough can take a long time to get rid of.

Once dressed, I meet Jonah out in the living room, and he starts up the machine for me. While I put the mouthpiece in and inhale the smoke like I should be hanging with Cheech and Chong, Jonah listens to my chest with his stethoscope. He is always in nurse mode. Always.

 [ Don't you have better things to do? Like Casey?] I scribble.

 I love trying to joke with Jonah about sexual shit because he never bites the bait. He keeps his personal life personal, and I never hear anything coming out of that bedroom of theirs. Though I do know they have a sex life from Trisha telling me how she took Casey shopping for spicy lingerie while on tour. I just do this to get a rise outta Jonah like I watch golf when Trish is around to annoy her. It's the little things that keep me happy.

To my surprise, Jonah grabs my whiteboard, erases it, and begins writing instead of speaking.

[I'm in the doghouse. We had a little tiff.] 

The second I read it, my brows raise, and he erased it.

[About?]

[Julia actually...]

I furrow my brows, and Jonah knows to explain.

[She thinks a nurse should be with Julia. To give her her meds and make sure she eats properly. She said we shouldn't put that on Paul. That he isn't a nurse. But I reminded her how Paul signed up for that job and has never complained.]

After I read the message, I erase and reply.

[Believe me. Paul would let me know if he had any issues with doing anything. He might not be the most vocal person in the world, but he always lets me know when I've crossed the line with favors.]

Once Jonah reads my paragraph, I erase it and continue.

[He has offered to do it. And between you and I, he is more than qualified. His mother has mental illness, not only that, but he also helped me a lot with my sister before we ended up deciding on the Avalon.  He helped keep her safe.... from herself] 

I run out of room on the small whiteboard, so I end there. Jonah reads it and nods, erasing the board.

[Anyway. Like you - no action tonight.]

Wow. He actually gave in a little, making me laugh when I read it, which resulted in coughing. Once I calm down and all jokes aside, I take the board again.

[Did Jules seem different to you tonight?]

"How so?" Jonah asks.

I shrug, then keep writing. [ I don't know. She seemed quiet. Stuck in her own head a little.]

"I think you are just used to seeing her all over the place, and now that she is on the right meds, she is calmer."

I nod. Maybe. I don't know. Something feels different. She distanced herself from me even though we were together. I try not to dwell on it though but am going to be more observant now that I'm home more.  I hope she isn't second-guessing anything. I know I'm reading into things a little here, but I've been away for a little while. I thought for sure she'd be as ecstatic to see me as I was towards  her. I just didn't get that feeling today. Today felt a little off with her.

*****

*Julia*

"You're not thinking of jumping into the flame, are you?"

I look away from the fire.

"That's so something James would say to me. You two have been hanging out together too much."  I squint my eyes to see inside, but Paul knows what I'm thinking before I ask it.

"They are both sleeping. James fell asleep on the recliner."

I nod, watching Maggie go into the apartment and lay near where James is sleeping. I always feel better when his dog is near him so she can alert us. But the TV is on and muted now, providing some light, so I can see James is sleeping and fine.

Paul pulls a chair over closer to me and sits down. He is in his Nike joggers and a plain white T-shirt, ready for bed.

"You good, Moretti?"

I huff and turn back to the fire.

"I don't know. Should I be ok?"

Paul remains silent while also staring at the flames now.

"What the hell are we doing, Paul?" I whisper. 

"Nothing." He murmurs in typical Paul fashion.

"You're with Trisha. I'm with Nate."

Paul nervously wipes his hands on his thighs. Something I've never seen him do before. Paul doesn't get nervous.

"I know." He mutters.

"We used to not give each other the time of day. You were creepy Paul to me. My ogre of a shadow."

"I know." He repeats.

"We're not who we used to be. Everything feels different now. Even with Nate."

"I know." Paul's way of saying he noticed the distance tonight between Nate and I too.

"God, say something else. Help me out a little here." I seethe in the form of a whisper. 

He doesn't answer me now. He stares at the fire for a moment before lifting his eyes towards me. I hate that in the dark with the glow from the fire he looks even sexier right now. His rugged features and stubble and those smoldering eyes are making my pulse quicken in pace. 

Paul reaches over and tucks my hair behind my ear but leaves his hand on my jawline. He swipes his thumb across my bottom lip, making me close my eyes and want more. I kiss his thumb but then gently pull his hand away and exhale.

"That wasn't helping me out."

"I know." He says softly.

"We can't. We're just confused." I shake my head and move away.

I start turning off the gas firepit before hurrying inside. I busy myself pulling the couch out to a bed for Paul and making it up for him quietly while the other two are sleeping. Paul walks inside and does his evening routine in silence. He locks the slider, then checks all the locks on each and every window, then the Avalon door before heading my way.

"C'mon, James. Time for bed." I whisper and shake him a little. I  watch as he shifts but he doesn't get up like I need him to.  James is awful to try to wake up. He's like a little kid that needs to be carried up to his room. 

"Mmmm. Just leave me. I'm comfy." He says, still very much asleep. I sigh and try again.

"James..c'mon sweetie."

"Just leave him. I'm in here." Paul says from behind.

"No!" I snap, and then Paul catches on quickly.

Not only do we not know if James's seizure happened while he was sleeping or not, aside from when he went to session with Trevor, I haven't let him out of my sight today. On top of that... 

"I can't sleep alone." I admit with embarrassment. Paul knows this but it still doesn't make me feel great having to say it out loud. He knows I struggle with it still. I haven't slept alone in months now, and during my sleep study, I couldn't fall asleep until Trevor was holding my hand. The charts and graphs don't lie. My brain has a lot of work to do before I'm fully emotionally healed.

Paul sighs, now understanding my panic. He leaves me and heads to my room. Jerk.

But then Paul comes out with my pillow and the comforter for James. I watch him make sure James is all set, then he drags out Maggie's bed and places it right next to the recliner. She jumps right in and curls up to sleep next to her owner.  After that, he puts my pillow next to his on the pull-out couch.

"Paul." I shake my head.

"Nothing is different from any other time." He whispers and climbs into the bed. It's much smaller than my king-sized bed. I wish James would just wake up, but it's no use. I know how he is once he's fallen asleep.

"This way, you can take care of Mike, if need be, as well."

I exhale sharply because Paul has a point. I haven't gotten much sleep at all lately, running back and forth every night coming out here to check on Mike. My job is to help him detox. I told Jeremy I would do it myself, and I'm sticking to my plan.

"Fine." I huff.

This is not a good idea, and we both know it. I throw my hair up in a messy bun so it's out of the way, crawl into bed and Paul spoons me workout me even asking this time, wrapping his big bodyguard arm around me like he always does and I melt into him.

But this time it's different. Because Paul is clearly semi-aroused, though not acting on it, and I'm having a hard time with my hypersexual whatever- whatever at the moment. I shouldn't be feeling this for Paul.

I should be feeling this for Nate.

*****

Like always, I fall asleep just fine but traumatic nightmares always find a way to creep in. This one I don't even remember much of when I wake up, but it was enough to wake Paul up in the process. And enough for him to console me instead of rolling over and falling back to sleep- because when I snap out of it, I'm sitting up with Paul behind me holding me, trying to calm me down so I don't wake up the others.

"Shh, you're safe. It's just a dream." Paul rocks me from side to side a little, having taken notes from the many times he's seen Nate deal with me. He doesn't ask me to talk about it or try to remember anything. He just comforts me until I am calm again.

Paul's heart is pounding just as hard as mine from being woken up, like we both just ran a marathon together. I'm holding on to his arm for dear life when I finally look around the pitch-black room.

"Oh God." I whisper, grateful I didn't wake James or Mike up, and loosen my grip on Paul's forearm around me. "I'm so sorry, did I hurt you?" It's what I always ask as I'm known to leave a few black and blue marks behind, but Paul scoffs a little, making me realize that was a silly question.

"Sorry." I say again. 

Mistakes number one-

 We're too close. I lean my head back onto his shoulder and try to catch my breath.

"You're safe." Paul whispers against the side of my neck. Now my heart is pounding for a completely different reason.

Mistake number two-

 Physical touch. I reach my right hand back so it rests at the nape of his neck and close my eyes for a moment when I feel his breath against my skin. My hair is already up in a ponytail giving him complete access to my neck.

Mistake number three-

Wanting this. Because I do. I'm curious. My hand is in his hair, his arms are wrapped around me from behind and I tilt my head when I feel his soft lips come in contact with the side of my neck. Paul gently kisses the side and then the nape of my neck. My weak spot. My breath hitches slightly, and I melt into him, tucking my chin in to feel more.

"Wait, wait, wait." I whisper quickly. "Paul, wait." I drop my hand so both are holding on to his arms around me now. I pull his arms away and turn around, sitting on my knees while shaking my head. You're just confused Julia. It's just because he keeps you safe. That's all this is- I remind myself.

"We can't." I rest my hand on Paul's stubbled cheek and let out a frustrated sigh. "We made a mistake. It's just because-"

"I don't make mistakes, Moretti." Paul lifts my chin up with the knuckle of his index finger and presses his lips to mine. He kisses me soft and sweet, not what I thought it would be like, but the sensation behind each press of his lips to mine is strong. Because what I'm feeling right now, it's intense. It's not what I expected.

The kiss is tender, the connection is strong, and a rush of warmth spreads through me.  Paul lays me down and our bodies press together, and the kiss becomes more heated, with an urgency like no other. The second I allow his tongue to slip inside, the passion and desire take over. My hands are in his hair, pulling him down to me more, deepening the kiss.

Paul turns his body so he's fully on top of me and devours me now, pressing is body against mine.

This is more than a kiss and we both know it. I thought I wouldn't feel a thing. I thought this would be something we'd regret and laugh about later.

I was wrong.

Terribly wrong.

This is more than pent up frustrations and overwhelming urges. This is more than being fickle or careless.

This is deception. 

This is betrayal of trust.

This is disloyal. 

*******