*Trigger warning* 

Subject matter- eating disorder/ Body Dysmorphia 

******

*Julia*

Trevor Tremont has been a great help. He once again has taken James to one of the afternoon sessions. James seems to  like the doctor now and is comfortable going with him. Eventually I will have to get back on the Avalon schedule but I'm not doing so until someone forces me so don't bring it up.  

Mike is sleeping, as always, his detox getting the best of him, which just leaves me and Paul. Normally I wouldn't think much of it but lately, us two alone together has been dangerous. Nothing has happened, but close. I try not to think about it while I lay on my bed in my room and flip through the channels.

"Nate is being discharged from the hospital today." Paul stands in my doorway holding a tray of food. "And you need to eat."

Right. Jeremy is getting stricter with me since I freaked out from gaining a few pounds at my weight in this morning. Paul is in charge of logging in my food for each meal and doesn't put up with crap. I thought I could hide away in my room during lunch time but he caught on quick.

"I'm really not hungry." I lie. I'm hungry. But I promised myself no bread or any bad carbs. Paul comes in with a tray that has a sandwich, chips a banana and apple juice on it. I look away.

"We're not doing this today, Moretti."

He boldly sits on the bed right next to where I am laying and puts the tray on my lap.

"I said I'm not hungry yet."

"So why can I literally hear your stomach rumbling."

Damn it.

"Julia. You look fine. I don't know why you're doing this." Paul scrunches his brows together.

"I gained a good amount of weight." I say softer now.

"That you NEEDED to gain. You look good. You look..." His words trail off. Paul doesn't talk much. He certainly doesn't waste his words on compliments. He slipped up making me turn and look at him.

"What?" I squint my eyes.

"You look healthy again. You look... better than before." He admits while gazing at me now. 

"So I looked bad before?" I scoff.

"No. You used to be too skinny. That's all." He mumbles and looks away.

"I can't eat with you watching me like this, creep." I tease but he knows my games.

"Too bad." Paul kicks off his shoes and lays on my bed, stealing my remote and flipping through the channels while I eye my food. "Moretti.... you're stalling."

"I'm fucking trying!" I snap and pick up the sandwich. Like always, once I get over the first few bites, I do eat. I fucking eat everything and hate myself for it. I aimlessly eat while watching Paul flip through the channels. When he finally looks over and notices I've actually eaten, a proud expression forms on his face. One I don't see often out of the tough guy.

"Happy?" I ask with sarcasm and put the empty tray on the end table. "Yup."

I get up to use the bathroom but Paul knows me too well. He knows I can easily upchuck my food within minutes if I really wanted to, so when I stand, the bodyguard stands as well.

"You think I'm stupid?" He walks to the doorway of the bathroom and stands there.

"You're seriously not going to let me use my own bathroom now?"

"Again, you think I'm stupid?"

"Paul. Move." I know the longer I wait the more my body will digest the meal. "Move!"

"No."

I push him hard in the chest, but he doesn't budge the slightest, making me even more mad. 

"I mean it, Paul. Move out of my way."

"You were doing so good." His shoulders drop as I push him again. He takes hold of my wrists but let's go quickly, knowing that's a trigger of mine. "Julia. You look good. Don't do this."

But I keep pushing him, now aggravated. He knows time is not on my side. The more time he wastes the better. I drop my head to his chest in frustration. 

"Please!" I plead in his chest, knowing the man is a brick wall. There's no making him move. 

Paul drops his head down to my ear.

" You have been trying to get better. Don't let numbers on a scale ruin it. You look good." He repeats. His hands fall to my waist while my hands are grabbing his shirt at his chest, frustrated he won't move. "You look really good, ok?" He squeezes my waist a little making me forget what I was even fighting about.

Paul keeps his head down to my ear and I loosen my grip on his shirt. We're too close to each other. I can feel the friction of his stubbled cheek on my cheek and smell his cologne on his clothes. My hands are now flat on his chest, and his heart pounding as hard as mine is.

"Please." I breathe out once more but really, I don't even know what I'm asking now. I close my eyes and feel Paul's soft lips touch my jawline. His breath sends that damn tingling sensation right down my body. I tilt my face a little and my lips graze the crook of his neck. I hear his breath hitch slightly.

"Julia..." He begins to say 'we can't' and backs up a little, now leaning his forehead on mine with his eyes closed.

 I stroke the stubble on his cheek then drop my head down to his chest, away from his lips.

"We can't." I finish. 

*****

*Nate*

I've never wanted to go to The Avalon so badly in my life. But before I see Julia, I head to Cara's. Because I know once I go to Julia's I'm not going to want to leave. Ren dropped me and Jonah off at the front then headed around back to drop Trisha and Evan off so Trish can see Paul. 

"Are you sure this won't be too much for you, Nate? You JUST got out of the hospital." Jonah asks, knowing the sight of Cara not only detoxing but most likely in restraints will be hard to handle.

"I need to do this." I say through my mask while signing us in. I don't even bother wearing my baseball cap. Everyone here knows who I am and why I am here these days.  I have my whiteboard with me but plan on using my voice this one time to see my sister.

It's Jeremy who comes out to escort us, though he doesn't deal with detox as much as mental disorder, he explains how one triggered the other. Cara has been having one manic episode after another.

"Is she restrained?" I ask with caution.

"Not at the moment, no. But each day...each hour is different with her. She was using for a while though no one knows how long." Jeremy explains with empathy. We walk up to her room. The door is closed with a guard in front of it.

"Is it really that bad she needs a guard?" Jonah asks but I nod. I know my sister. It's this or the restraints. They are trying to keep her under control without having to restrain her 24/7

Jeremy knocks on the door before opening it. I pull down my mask and let it hang around my neck before entering.

"Go away." My sister mumbles from under the covers. I notice a bucket on the ground but it's empty which means she must have been feeling nauseated.  She must be at the muscle pain stage by now. That's the worst.

"I'll wait here." Jonah says by the doorway and stands next to Jeremy and the guard to give us some space.

I sit on Cara's bed and look at the little lump under the covers.

"I said-"

"Cara." I rub the lump and she bolts up hearing my voice. I barely get a chance to see her face when my sister throws her arms around me, hugging me and crying.

"I hate her!" She cries and tears fill my eyes. "I hate her so much!"

"I know, love. Me too." I say softly. Cara has finally seen our mother for who she is. An awful human being. A woman who introduced her daughter back to doing drugs, heroin at that. The worst one to recover from. Most people don't. And the detox is brutal.

"Everything hurts, Nate!"

"I know, Doll." A hard lump form in my throat and that stabbing pain shoots through my heart.

"And then... I gave it to that guy. And now..." She shakes her head and backs away. "I'm just as bad as she is."

I study my sister's face. She's lost weight. Her face is broken out a little from the drugs and dark circles have formed under her eyes from lack of sleep due to withdrawals. Her hair is in a neat ponytail and bangs pushed off to one side a little. She looks freshly showered, but her forehead is clammy when I kiss it and her shakes are bad. When she drops her arms away from me, I see two healing black and blue marks on each arm where she was using. She was using much longer than I thought.

"I love you, you know that? I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner." I don't bother explaining why because I don't want to stress Cara out more. It's better if she just thinks I was slacking off verses being sick in the hospital. "You'll be back on your feet in no time."

I visit with Cara, help her with her detox as much as I can for a good half hour before she becomes tired and weak.

"We should let her rest as much as possible." Jonah is the one to say while leaning against the doorway. I agree as Cara lays down. 

"Ok. I'll come by tomorrow, ok? Twizzlers, right?" I get a little smile out of my sister when I mention bringing her favorite candy. Jeremy doesn't step in to say no either. Everyone at the Avalon has their own strict diets. Candy, red dye #40 and sugar can trigger a patient, but he lets this slide.

We leave my sister and begin our fifteen-minute walk to Julia's apartment. Jeremy with us.

"We should go over a few things before you go in." Jeremy says as Jonah reminds me to pull up my mask when a few people walk by, one of them coughing. I immediately do, taking my health seriously right now.

I nod instead of speaking or writing on my little whiteboard.

"She's been doing great. But this morning had a minor setback."

"Oh?" I keep up the pace but Jonah slows it down a little when he sees me breathing a bit heavier. I am still recovering, and it will take some time.

"Take a breath, Nate." Jonah stops our walk. "You look a little winded."

I nod and hold on to his arm for a moment. Jeremy studies my face and then shoves a hand his his pocket, pulling out a set of keys.

"Hold on. My place is right here. Why don't you sit for a minute. I'll get you a water and we can talk in there."

Normally I'd say, over my dead body, freak. But I take Jeremy up on his offer. We follow him a few more doors down and he unlocks his door. I've been in his apartment before. It's nice. Not as new and modern as Julia's but OCD clean like mine. I take my mask off and inhale deeply while sitting down on his expensive dark brown leather couch. Jonah sits next to me and takes my wrist to check my pulse. He's always in nurse mode. Always.

"It's been a while since I've had to breathe through one of these things." I admit in a whisper.

Jeremy walks to his stainless-steel fridge and comes back with three cold water bottles, handing us each one and opening one for himself before sitting down on the recliner diagonal from us.

"Are all the Avalon apartments this nice?" Jonah blurts out.

"Julia's is the nicest. There's a few more. One with two more bedrooms but I didn't realize she'd be having her own detox center in her place." Jeremy laughs and shakes his head thinking about Julia.

"Listen, I never got to have a second meeting with her," he continues, and I know where he is going with this. "Today was the first day I've seen her since..."

[I had Paul tell her everything.] I save my voice and scribble on the board.

"You did?" Jeremy looks surprised. "Ok." He lets out a sigh of relief. "Dr. Tremont had me steer clear of her to give her some time to process everything and Katherine...well she doesn't really bother with Julia unless she has to."

[Good.] I retort and take a sip of water. [So what was the setback today then?]

"She's doing excellent. The medications are currently working well, and I've noticed a big improvement in her moods and how she handles things. But today was weigh in day and we haven't done that in a little while. She was pretty upset to see her numbers go up. But they needed to go up and still do. I'd actually like it if she gained another five pounds since she loses weight so quickly." Jeremy explains. "But when she saw the scale read 112 pounds she freaked."

"112? Thats still tiny." Jonah furrows his brows. "She still needs to gain more."

Jeremy agrees with the nurse.

"The wheels were already turning. Julia has body dysmorphia disorder and-"

"Huh?" I've never heard of this diagnosis. I knew she had trouble eating and freaked when she gained a little weight a while back but this is a new one to add to her repertoire.

"It's a mental illness involving obsessive focus on perceived flaw in appearance." Jonah the nurse chimes in. "When she looks in the mirror she thinks she is something she's not. In her case, any weight gain and she thinks she is obese."

"She's not even close to it though." I say with confusion. She's tiny. Really tiny. Jonah taps on my whiteboard as a friendly reminder.

"A lot of people with eating disorders, especially women, have body dysmorphia. They go hand and hand. I could tell this morning she was already thinking of ways to cut out calories. I had to remind her muscle weighs more than fat and her and James have been using the gym daily. Paul is in charge of filling out her food log and she's not allowed to use the bathroom right after a meal. I have a feeling she may make herself throw up after being forced to eat."

I nod. Julia has done this before.

"So I just wanted to make you aware of it. She doesn't look different to me in any way. She needs to keep this weight on. I don't want to see her go in the wrong direction because of numbers on the scale."

[I agree.] I say with a frown. Poor Jules. Doesn't she see how beautiful she is? Inside and out?

"So a few key words NOT to use are- You look healthy. That makes her think she didn't before or has gained more weight than needed in her head. Don't comment on her appearance in any way right now as it's a sore subject and can trigger her bipolar. Never make any comments if she eats more than she usually does. She's planning on finding a way to vomit it up after. Make sure she doesn't do that."

"Jesus." I mutter.

"She's a complex patient." Jeremy adds.

"You could say that again."

******

*Julia*

I cried in Paul's arms today. We're getting too close to each other. I don't know what changed or when but we are getting too close. 

I love Nate. When he's around. I can't blame his hospital stay for obvious reasons, but even before then, Trisha had him so busy he never came around. The past month I have barely seen him at all. And before that, with James's trial and everything going down, we were all preoccupied.

It doesn't help I have been spending every waking hour with Paul.

But this is how it will be forever. When Nate goes on tour, or anything to do with his job since it takes him away so often. And Paul is my full-time bodyguard. I keep telling him we are just confused and have these feelings because he is who he is. He keeps me safe. He takes care of me. I keep telling myself that's all this is.

 But I'm not too convincing. Because that close encounter is all I can think about while I make dinner.

I'm making pasta and meatballs with a salad but I'm only going to eat the salad.

Trisha is visiting with Paul in the living room, Casey is back with the dog and James should be back with Trevor any time now. Nate has been visiting his sister so I'm keeping myself busy with the meatballs and homemade sauce right now.  My mind is all over the place so much I don't even hear the knock on the door or Nate, Jonah, James, and now Trevor AND Jeremy come in. It's a houseful. I look back to see Maggie hasn't left Mike's side as he rolls over in his bed, not wanting to see anyone. Can't blame the guy.

Nate walks in and is wearing a mask due to his health right now. He immediately heads my way and I have a guilty pit in my stomach. I can feel Paul's eyes on me from the kitchen table but refrain from looking over at him.

"Hey doll." Nate lowers his mask and stands behind me while I'm stirring the sauce. He turns me around and kisses me.

It feels.... different.

And that scares the shit out of me.