*Nate*

To say I'm not nervous would be a flat-out lie. I'm also excited. But this will be the first time touring sober. There are a lot of people that make this tour possible. A lot of them drink. Including 7 out of 8 of my band members. My good friend from London, Tommy, who is also one of my drummers, is the only one who doesn't drink anymore. After the show, there's a little time where everyone celebrates. EVERYONE. Which means there's really no control over drugs and/or alcohol use. This is gonna be tough. But right now, my focus is on our flight. Our very long flight.

We all board the private jet. Me, Julia, James, Trisha, Paul, Jonah, Casey, and of course, Maggie. Along with two pilots and one flight attendant. Rachel will be taking care of us for the text ten and a half hours. The catering company has already prepared the food for the entire day and will meet us at the venue tomorrow. We can sight see for a little while each day, and then I'm on stage. Wembley Arena. Crazy.

"This is it, Playboy." This is the most excited I've seen Trisha. She plops down in the recliner next to mine, not even thinking Julia would want to sit next to me. Trish isn't used to me not being single while on tour. Julia pays no attention to her though and sits behind me with James on the other side of her. We only have to sit in our seats until the seatbelt light goes off anyways but I can already see tension forming.

Maggie goes in her crate just for these few minutes of take off and is with the flight attendant in the front of the aircraft. James looks nervous about his dog, but she seems fine right now.

I turn around to see Julia and give her a wink and a smile. "How are you doing back there?"

"I'm fine." Julia nods. She doesn't look fine. I can always tell by the way she fidgets with her hands, today twirling around her engagement ring while looking out the window.

"Let me know if you need anything, ok doll?"

Rachel goes over all the basics before we take off, and within ten minutes, we are on our way. In ten hours I will be home. Home home. London Home. The plan is that we all sleep at my London penthouse apartment tonight. It is just as big as my L.A. apartment so there will be plenty of room for everyone. Since plans changed so much after my trip to the ER, our time is cut in half, but I still have plenty of things packed in the few days we have for sightseeing. Only me, Trish, and Paul have been to London, so I'm excited to show everyone around.

Once the seatbelt light goes off, I unbuckle, and everyone else follows suit. I keep an eye on Julia, who gets up and sits on one of the couches. I let the dog out of her crate, and she heads right for Julia, not James.

"Gee, thanks, brat." James huffs but is aware Maggie must sense Julia's anxiety. He sits next to her on one side, and I sit on the other. This is how it's gonna be, how it's always been. Julia stuck in between James and I, and I'm not talking about seating arrangements, especially after Paul told me about their little intimate moment at Griffith Park. I'm ok with it for now since I also slipped up and kissed Trisha. 

Julia bounces her knee and bites her thumbnail a little.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" James asks. It's obvious she's having an internal battle with herself.

"Just on edge. I don't know why. Well, I do. But I don't know why it's bothering me now."

"What's bothering you, love?" I pull her hand away from her mouth and hold it instead.

"Being on a plane. Even one like this. It's just reminding me of, you know, Boston. That weekend." Julia admits, and both me and James have the same reaction. Our shoulders drop down, and we give her a little nod.

"I had a feeling that would pop up. Babe, try not to think about it. This is a whole new experience. A positive one. You went there knowing it would be a hard weekend. Your son's birthday as well as the weekend of his accident. Never mind the other stuff that happened." He leaves out the obvious. The weekend Julia tried to commit suicide. Because of this, right here. James  on one side. Me on the other. The way I treated her after she told me she slept with James. Awful. Absolutely awful. If I could take back my reaction, I would in a heartbeat.

That was also the last time I flew.  Jonah had to give me anxiety meds before the flight because of it. Julia is unaware of this for obvious reason..

******

*Julia*

I can tell Nate is blaming himself for that weekend. It wasn't him, though. It was me. It was a bunch of things rolled into one, really. But I keep replaying that night in my head over and over again. I feel James rub my back while Nate is still holding my hand.

"I'm pathetic." I sigh.

"No, you're not pathetic. You're someone who went through a lot that weekend and has a little PTSD shit to work through. I'm telling ya, my grief therapy sessions really helped me. You can still join The Avalon ones virtually, you know." James apparently has researched this? "We can do it together."

That's the thing about James. He doesn't try to fix it but finds ways to help me cope. Like offering to do it with me. How he is so well adjusted to life even though he has endured just as much as me is remarkable. Again, I wish I had a little bit of James in me. The way he bounces back from things. The way he is always positive.

Rachel, the flight attendant, walks over to us, snapping me back to reality. She's a tall, thin woman a little older than me. She reminds me of Charlene. The bartender from the Marriott. Rachel looks like she's lived a life. Maybe a former smoker, but still pretty. Her brown hair is pinned up in a perfect tight bun, and she wears your typical flight attendant attire. Blue skirt, white blouse tucked in with blue blazer and heels.

"Mr. Hollan, hors' devours are set up and ready."

Sometimes, I forget who Nate is. This is one of those times. I glance at James and can tell he is thinking the same thing.

"C'mon. Let's see what we've got." Nate doesn't let go over my hand once as we stand. Up front are two tables that pull out from the sides of the plane, filled with all sorts of appetizers from mini vegetarian pizzas to pub style food like chicken wings, veggies and dip to fruit kababs. Chips and salsa, cheese and crackers, all different types of olives and finger foods you could think of on two huge charcuterie boards. We all surround the two tables.

Nate even has a small dog plate with different types of bones and treats for Maggie near her water, which I thought was so cute.

I nudge James a little when Nate's not looking and smile up at him. We're on tour. "This is what it's like to be on the Nate Hollan tour?!" I whisper, and James chuckles. I can tell both Casey and Jonah are feeling the same excitement, whereas Trisha, Paul, and Nate are unfazed.

For once, I have no issues eating. I go right for the hot wings.

"I knew that's what you'd gravitate to." Nate laughs.

"Is this how it always is when you go on tour?" Casey asks.

"Better than this. This is just the plane. Guys, I hired the catering company for our entire tour. It took them a full year to prepare menus and organize everything for each meal. There are plenty of options for all." Nate answers, and the four of us who aren't used to this all look at each other wide-eyed.

"Wow! This is insane." Jonah exclaims.

"Yeah well with your fucking tapeworm I put an extra person down to make sure we had enough food. I see the way you eat." Nate hands both me and James a plate. "Let me know what you want and if you need any help." He says to James, already making sure he isn't forgotten with his disabilities. I suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy inside watching the way Nate thinks of James now. How he's already making sure he's well taken care of. I can tell it puts James' mind at ease too.

Each recliner has it's own table that folds out from the plane just like the two bigger ones up front. I help James open his and carry his plate over to him.

"Your recliners swivel if you want to face each other." Trisha kneels down and unlocks my recliner, turns it to face James and locks it. Both James and I are beyond impressed. Paul and Trisha do the same with theirs as well as Jonah and Casey. Nate sits on the couch close to me.

"You good, doll?" Nate checks on me.

"I am." I smile over at him. I actually am. My anxiety has gone away for now replaced with awe of the life Nate lives that I am just seeing now. To me, he's just Nate, but I can tell by the way Rachel, the flight attendant, is towards him he's Nate Hollan, America's Heartthrob. Multimillion dollar Nate Hollan.

"Rachel, help yourself. And if Mitch and Roger are hungry we can make them a plate." Nate smiles over at her and her cheeks flush up. He has fans of all ages. Apparently she is one of them.

"Thank you!"

Trisha immediately jumps into action and starts making the pilots plates for Rachel to bring to them. Like she just knew that was a requirement, part of her job. Both Nate and Trisha are in their element.

I help James with his food and can tell he is appreciative without having to say it. His eyes say it all when he gives me a little grin.

Maybe being on tour will actually work out well for us. Everyone seems to be settling in and comfortable.

Maybe I could get used to this lifestyle.

*****
*Nate*

I look around the aircraft and feel relief. Everyone seems to be well adjusted and comfortable so far. Granted, we're only two hours in.

Jonah and Paul are both in their recliners asleep. Casey is playing with the dog, Trisha is chatting away with the flight attendant, James is watching a movie which is weird to witness since he rarely watches TV in general, which just leaves me and Jules. She's trying to take a nap in her recliner but is struggling. Flipping from one side to the next, looking at her phone, fidgeting a bit and she doesn't think I notice. I notice though. I notice everything. 

"Hey you." I stand up and whisper over to Julia while putting my phone in my back pocket. I get her attention and tick my head to the side signaling to follow me.

Julia furrows her brows not knowing what I want but gets up regardless and follows me. I take her hand and walk us to the bedroom suite. I quietly slide the door shut and lock it.

"You're up to no good, Mr. Hollan." Julia eyes me but smiles. She knows what I want.

"Me? Never." I pull her in against my body and tuck my chin in to look down at her. "Are you enjoying yourself so far? You seem to be adjusting." I sway us back and forth, knowing I've got "the look" in my eyes.

"I am. It doesn't feel real." She throws her arms around my shoulders loosely.

"Oh its real." I push Julia's hair off her shoulder and kiss her neck. "You know," I say against her neck. "This jet is brand new. I think we have to christen it."

"Oh do you.."

"I do." My hands slide under Julia's T-shirt to feel her bare skin, before I pull it up over her head and throw it on the ground. "That's a little better."

Julia is wearing a black lace push-up bra that is one of the new ones I picked out.

"This looks really good on you, princess." 

Our lips connect and I feel her unbutton my jeans. I begin to harden from that one action. I kick off my shoes and lower her on to the bed. It obviously isn't a California King sized bed but it's a bed and I'm horny as hell.

I kneel on the bed and watch Julia unbutton her own jeans while keeping her eyes glued to me. She pulls her pants down and I see her wearing the matching black lace panties, as well as the smooth black thigh highs I picked out during my surprise wardrobe spree, underneath her jeans. I repeat- Under her jeans!

She planned for this and I'm rock hard now.

"You've got to be kidding me." I groan. "You've been holding out on me for two hours wearing this?"

I yank her jeans off and study the woman in my bed. Julia's long wavy hair splays around her, the black lace bra, panties and thigh highs are what fantasies are made of, and she's throwing her fuck me eyes my way.

She sits up on her knees and pulls my pants down, kissing me over my black boxer briefs, making me twitch. While I'm still kneeling, my hands automatically gravitate to her thighs to feel the soft fabric and I can't peel my eyes away from her.

"Tell me what you want, Mr. Hollan." Julia's hands are on my hips and her chin resting on my thigh as she looks up at me.

"Everything, I want everything." God, she drives me insane.

She links her fingers into the waistband of my boxers and slowly lowers the fabric to release me. I spring out and close my eyes the second her lips touch my skin but then force them open to watch her.

Julia's teasing me with light feathery kisses up and down my shaft playfully like we have hours to kill. Because we do. I tuck her hair behind her ears and hold on to her jaw. The look of desire in her dark eyes captivates me completely. I can't look away when she takes me in her mouth, slowly pulling me in.

"Fuck." I hiss and tangle my right hand into her hair as she works her magic. And she's SO good at working her magic. A  good five minutes of magic before I begin to twitch in her mouth.

"Jule. You're getting me close." I warn and let out a frustrated moan when she hums, making my jaw fall slack from the vibration. "I'm warning you..." I can't finish my sentence because of what she's doing to me, the sensation taking my breath away. And she's not stopping. She's slow and teasing and bringing me close to the edge before stopping again. My eyes close from the pleasure and my grip tightens on her hair. I'm doing everything in my power to hold on as she teases me, giving me just enough to feel the pleasure but nowhere near enough to satisfy.

Julia can sense my frustration now. She looks up at me and takes me deep  down her throat. There's no turning back or stopping it from happening like this. I'm right there. I rock my hips, shoving myself down her throat more and making her gag slightly.  But she doesn't back up.

"Fuck. Oh God, don't stop." I grunt. "Don't you dare fucking stop." I press my hand against the back of her head and begin to really thrust into her mouth. I'm literally fucking her face and she's letting me. I can't stop looking down at her but my vision blurs. I lose all my willpower and hold her head still while I thrust into her mouth hard and fast. Julia's gagging and choking on me and letting me make a mess out of her. She gets me to the point I can't take it any more and release down her throat. I gasp while finishing and can hear my heart beating in my ears. That was unbelievable. What she does to me.... Holy hell. This woman is going to be my wife.

That had to be the best head I've ever received in my life.

****
*Julia*

I get Nate off with a messy blow job, on his private jet, wearing what I'm wearing, now completely turned on. He knows I need him to reciprocate.

I have no shame pulling his face down where I need it to be and he yanks my underwear down and off in one swift movement. It's funny how just months ago I was so nervous and self-conscious around this multimillionaire that I wouldn't let him take my sweater off the first time we had sex. I've always hated my stomach. It did nothing for me. The flab and stretch marks. The incision scar.. all it reminds me is what my body couldn't keep alive. My body couldn't keep my reproductive organs alive, and I sure as hell couldn't keep my son alive. It's just an awful reminder of what I had that's now gone.

But now, the way Nate makes me feel, I don't even think of those scars. I don't care if he sees them or any of my imperfections, and God does he see them. Inside and out. Yet he still loves me unconditionally.

So... nervous? No. I'm not nervous. Self-conscious? Not much. As a matter of fact, I did something I don't usually do. Aside from grabbing his head to shove between my legs without a care in the world, I decided to shave... Everything... which is something he's not used to, not from me at least, and Nate groans when he sees me and how I've planned this.

He wastes no time, now laying down flat on his stomach, settling in between my legs and devouring me like I devoured him.  Apparently he is into the shaven look and thigh high visuals because his hands can't stop stroking the soft fabric and his mouth is working overtime. It doesn't take me long at all to begin to feel the tension building up.

Then something happens that has NEVER happened to me before. My orgasm takes over and I feel fluid squirt out of me. Not a lot. Not a lot at all. But enough to make a little bit of mess. It doesn't even faze Nate, if anything, it turns him on more and he picks up the pace.

"Yeah." He murmurs against my skin. Nate doesn't stop what he's doing and my back rounds off the bed when I hit my high. I let out an unexpected moan that I'm sure everyone on this plane heard.

 Nate surprises me, now fully hard again, and slams into me. He's rough. Real rough, and it's perfect. I have NEVER felt him like this before. The way he is slamming into me. How long it takes... James long... and how quickly I orgasm again. He pulls my hair and harshly kisses down my throat when my nails scratch down his shoulders, leading us both to come at the same time. He drops down on my body, both of us breathless and completely spent, trying to recover from such intense orgasms.

"I..I'm not sure what just -" I begin but am cut off when Nate's mouth takes over mine. He kisses me so passionately that it overwhelms me, and I feel my emotions bouncing all over the place like a pinball machine.

Nate has this unfamiliar drunken, satisfied expression on his face I've never seen before. Not like this. Had I known any better I'd think he took a few anxiety pills or something.  His eyes are dark and dilated and he sports this lazy smile of content.

Nate is in his element. I can see it in his eyes. This is Nate's world now. The world where he is fucking a woman on his private jet making a mess of her and loving every second of it. Which is why I wanted to live up to those expectations. Wearing the lingerie like a celebrity girlfriend would do, making my body look that of a celebrity girlfriend, giving him the best blow job like a celebrity girlfriend.

This is the world where Nate has no worries about money. No worries about mental or physical illness. A world where everything is handed to him. I saw it in the way the flight attendant looked at him. She looked at him in awe. In awe that she managed to even get the job to work for someone like him. I forget who he is to other people. Who he once was to me.

And now we both lay here, together, completely fucked. Nate leans up on his elbows and studies my face before pecking my lips over and over again with a slight smirk of accomplishment. He's proud of the mess he made me.

"What just happened?" I ask, my heart still beating harder than normal. Nate keeps that proud look on his face like he just conquered Mt. Everest.

"I take it you've never squirted before?" He laughs and pulls out, making me gasp. I now have this horrified and embarrassed look on my face.

"Apparently not."  He smirks.

I can feel my cheeks gain color. I've heard of it, but it's never happened to me, so I never put much thought into it. But the orgasm was a much different sensation that I had no control over. Apparently, Nate has had women do this, though, from his lack of surprise. He's had a LOT of women in his 31 years on this planet. That's one of the reasons he has been branded "America's Heartthrob."  Females of all ages swoon over him. They can't get enough of him.

"It's a good thing, doll. It's a job well done." He laughs and bunches up the sheets, cleaning me up and then stripping the bed once we are both standing.

"And that, my friend, is why we have extra everything." He opens a small cupboard I didn't even notice and pulls out another set of sheets.

"Cleaners will take care of that. Don't you dare get dressed yet." Nate smirks and playfully throws the clean sheets at me with a loud laugh.

We make the bed, and he's loving watching me in just my bra that never made it off and the thigh highs.

"I can only imagine what was heard." I say, now embarrassed.

"Don't care. They are all getting a free ride to travel around the world on vacation for a year. They can deal with it." He says with a bit of cockiness to his voice.

Yep. We are living in Nate's world now, and he knows it.

****
*Nate*

We  get dressed and pull ourselves together after recuperating on the freshly made bed for a while. I have been waiting for this tour for so long and it's finally happening. I feel alive again. This is how it's supposed to be.

Before we open the door, both knowing full well everyone out there is aware of what was going on in here, I pull Julia into my arms and hug her. She rests her head on my chest and melts into me.

"We are finally on the plane. After everything we've been through the last few months, we are finally officially on tour."  I kiss the top of her head, not wanting to let go of her yet. But then something catches both of our attention. 

The dog starts barking. She never barks. Not unless there's something wrong. 

Julia drops her arms off my waist and rushes out of the room. I follow behind her to see what's going on.

"Mags, it's ok." James is sitting up in his recliner and Maggie is right by his feet.  He leans down to pet her and she calms down and stops barking but then both me and Julia see James hold his forehead.

"James, what's wrong??" Julia quickly kneels next to his recliner and takes his hand.

"I'm fine. I think... I think I'm getting a migraine? I don't know. My head is killing me." He stutters and closes his eyes tightly. Maggie lays down by his feet and is no longer barking but she sensed something was wrong with her owner. 

I walk to the front and ask Rachel for a bottle of water and then wake up Jonah.

"Is this a new habit of yours? Waking me up?" Jonah squints his eyes but when he sees the look on my face he wakes up more. "What?"

"James. I don't know.  Can you come check him out?"

"Of course." Jonah snaps out of it and immediately grabs his medical bag  before heading to James. I suddenly feel nervous. I don't know if it's because the anxiety meds have worn off by now or because  I've never heard of James complain of a migraine. He's had headaches before but this looks painful.

I watch Julia open the water bottle for James and help him take a sip.

"What's going on, bud?" Jonah kneels down and studies Gallo's face.

"I think it's a migraine. I'm not sure." James responds. He looks a little pale too. Jonah closes the shade on James's window for him and checks his blood pressure.

"BP is normal. But I can tell you're in pain by the dilation of your eyes. Here..." Jonah rummages through the black bag of medications and I can see Julia tense up. She sits down completely and pets Maggie instead but seeing all the prescription meds, knowing her addiction is in there somewhere, has put her on edge. Jonah pulls out a bottle of Excedrin Migraine and gives James two pills to swallow. The nurse looks back at Rachel.

"Do you have coffee here? Or some kind of caffeine?"

"Sure do. Let me go get that for you, sir." Rachel goes to the kitchen area and prepares James a cup of coffee.  Julia's eyes don't leave the black bag. She hyperfocuses on it until Rachel comes back with the coffee. When she hands it to James, Julia snaps out of it  and  holds it as well.  We all notice James's hand shake a little.

"Here. I've got it. Take a sip." Julia takes over while Jonah nods.

"Definitely a migraine but the med and caffeine should do the trick. You don't usually get them though, do you James?" Jonah watches James take another sip of the coffee and shake his head no. 

"What would cause him to suddenly have one now?" Julia asks but whether she realizes it or not, her eyes are focused  back on the black bag. Jonah stands up and zips the bag closed.  There is a small combination lock attached to the case and he locks the bag, handing it to me for a moment. He gives me a look because he noticed what I noticed. Julia intense focus on the medical bag. Jonah doesn't address that though. He answers her question instead.

"Flying can trigger migraines in some people. Changes in air pressure can most certainly do it. Lets make sure you're drinking plenty of water so you're not dehydrated and keep it dark and quiet over here." Jonah explains and Rachel  pulls the tie to the privacy curtain. It is a thick dark gray  fabric that is used specifically to block out light while you're sleeping on the plane.

"Try and sleep it off, ok pal?" Jonah pulls the privacy curtain closed and takes the black bag from me. I follow him to the back of the plane.

"You saw the look she had, right??" I whisper while we are walking. I look around to see Casey, Trisha and Paul all sleeping in their recliners.

"Julia? Yes. I saw the look she had." Jonah opens the overhead compartment and shoves the black bag up there before closing it. He turns to me and can tell my brain is going a mile a minute.

"We aren't even at the halfway point in the flight. What if she does what she did last time?" I ask, recalling the time Julia found out there was Ativan in the house and had a manic episode. I lean against the wall and take a deep breath.

"We need to keep her occupied. She WILL drive herself crazy knowing the med bag is on the plane. But I didn't have a choice. I had to bring it on board. This is all part of the coping skills she doesn't have yet." He pauses. "Just keep her occupied, you've already done an hours worth of that earlier." Jonah rolls his eyes at me. He heard us. Of course he did.

"It was mandatory to have her join the mile high club. This plane is brand new. We had to christen it. You should try it." I give Jonah a little wink but he scoffs at me. "You two are boring." 

"No. We're private. Unlike the rest of you children."

"Children huh?" I laugh. "Live a little Jonah. Life is short."

Life is so short.

*****

*Julia* 

"These recliners are huge." I whisper. I'm lying next to James, holding an ice pack on the back of his neck to help alleviate the pain from his migraine. He talks to me but keeps his eyes closed the whole time. I comb my fingers through his hair to help relax him. James is nervous. I can tell. It's been twenty minutes of me trying to keep him relaxed in hopes maybe he will fall asleep.

Maggie fell asleep on the floor so the dog doesn't seem concerned anymore. I don't know what we'd do without her to be honest. The way she senses things is remarkable.

"I think the pain reliever is starting to kick in a little. My head doesn't hurt as bad."

"Oh good. We will have to remember that for next time. Maybe Jonah can give you something as a preventative."

I watch James take the ice pack from me and place it on the table. He turns to his side and faces me so our foreheads are almost touching. His hand isn't as shaky now and he's able to tuck my hair behind my ear.

"I saw the way you looked at that bag." He looks at me sympathetically. 

I close my eyes and nod against his forehead. I'm not gonna deny it. I can't fool James so there's no point in even trying. James knows me. He knows everything about me.  My eyes open when I feel his hand on my heart.

"Your heart is beating so hard, babe." 

"I know. I felt my heart kick in double time the second I saw Jonah open the bag." I confide in my best friend. "I don't want it. But I do. It's so hard."

"I know, sweetie."  He lets out a sigh and drops his hand off my heart. "You're doing a great job. You're aware it will always be an issue. You just gotta keep reminding yourself it's not worth it. You're stronger than your addiction, Julia."

I let that sink in for a second. I'm stronger than my addiction. I don't know if I am yet. But I need to be.

"You should be a motivations speaker." I say and hear James laugh a little while my eyes are still closed. And then...I feel his lips on mine, and that fluttery feeling consumes my body like last time.

 I am SO not stronger than my addictions.

******