*Julia*

"I need to know everything." I can already feel my tears working their way to my eyes.

"I can explain it all, ok? But you need to know I wasn't well at the time so some of the stuff won't be pretty. But I will tell you everything." Jeremy swallows hard in embarrassment. "God, I don't even know where to start."

"The beginning." I say softly. I can tell admitting all this and saying it out loud is difficult for him. But he needs to tell me it all. And I need to have Dr. Tremont here with me so I don't spiral out of control. We sit in Jeremy's office. Me on the couch, the two men each in one of the big leather chairs. I'm nervous about what I will hear but I need this. I need closure. I need to heal.

"But if you're going to lie to me about anything than don't waste my time, Jeremy. I need the truth. All of it." I add.

The doctor nods and pulls at his tie a little to loosen it.

"It started about a year ago."

Holy shit. A year ago?? I wasn't even in Los Angeles a year ago! I feel my pulse picking up in pace. Reel it in, Julia. You need to hear this if you ever want to move on or trust another doctor.

"My... wife, Maddie. She loved the show. She watched America's Voice religiously. We were going through as really hard time. Our marriage was over. Maddie was an alcoholic and cheating on me. I was trying to make things work. I was trying to help her. Anyway- I came home from work one night and Maddie had the show on. It was the season finale. I saw Nate was one of the coaches. I knew Cara was his sister but I'm not her doctor." Jeremy pauses and takes a sip of his water. Trevor gives him a slight nod to keep going. Trevor is being a good sport being here for me. He didn't have to do this. I could have had Paul or James or even Mike but I have a feeling Jeremy would come out with a black eye if any of those men listened to him.

"I saw you on TV. Maddie said you looked like a deer in headlights." Jeremy smiles a little. I want to smile back, because I remember that moment. I WAS a deer in headlights! But I can't bring myself to crack a smile. "I knew right away you were broken. There was something about you. I could just tell."

I scratch the side of my neck nervous as he continues. He could tell I had issues just from looking at me? I know he's a good psychiatrist. A smart doctor. But didn't know he could pick up on things like that just by looking at someone.

"I. I um.. I looked you up online. The only thing at the time was you were a 40-year-old from Boston lucky to be working with America's heartthrob. I didn't even know why I googled you. I was just curious."

Trevor nods for Jeremy to continue.

"Things were getting worse between me and Maddie. Most nights I was sleeping at the Avalon and claiming any extra shifts I could, so I didn't have to go home. One night I didn't have a shift. I drove past my house when I saw Maddie go inside with a man. It was the first time I officially saw her with someone. The first time I had actual proof. It broke me."

I watch Jeremy's eyes fill with tears and I have to look away. I can't feel bad for him. But I'm still a human who has emotions and I do feel bad hearing this. I know how it feels to be cheated on. To actually SEE the proof for yourself. It hurts like hell.

"Instead of going home I picked up gross fast food and parked at Modern Studio. I don't even know why I did it. I knew that was the studio Nate practiced at. Most of the musicians in L.A. go there. But I didn't REALLY think you would be there. I just needed a place to go. That's when I saw you up in the studio room. You were with him. Nate." Jeremy swallows hard. "I wasn't taking care of myself. You need to know this, Julia. I wasn't taking my meds like I needed to. I was a mess. No excuses but you need to understand that. I was more than intrigued. I knew you had stuff going on. I knew I could help you. But I also knew you were with Nate."

"You knew before it became public?" I raise my eyebrows, and he nods.

"Modern studio was where I went so I didn't have to confront my wife. I saw you guys. It was becoming more than just a work thing. I was mad. I knew about Nate. I knew he spent a lot of time at Sullivans. It was a problem."

"How would you know he went to Sullivan's? You were following him too?" Heat rises to my face but Jeremy shakes his head and looks away. A good thirty seconds go by before he takes his glasses off and drags his hands down his face. He doesn't bother putting them back on. He leans forward and clasps his hands together.

"I went to that bar once in a while. I had to check on my cousin. He's an alcoholic. And a liar. He lied to Trisha, he never left town and came back due to work. He was always here."

"Wait... what? I... .... .... huh?" I don't know how to complete my question. Why the hell did Trisha's name just come up?

"My alcoholic cousin. He was Trisha's fiancé. Dave. David has a lot of issues. I was the one to always talk him off the ledge but it was getting hard and harder to do. I couldn't fix him. Though I tried. I know what he did to Trisha. I know how he is when he is drunk."

"Ok, this conversation is all over the place." Trevor chimes in clearly sensing my confusion.

"This is all too much. So your cousin is Dave Brennan?" I ignore Dr. Tremont figuring he'll catch on sooner or later just like I am.

"Stay on topic Dr. Donovan..." Trevor says.

"One night I decided to go home. I caught Maddie and some guy in the act. I flushed my wedding ring down the toilet and left. I spent my spare time looking after you. I knew Nate was drunk more than he was sober. I became worried about you. Obsessed about keeping you safe. One time I even wanted to introduce myself to you but I couldn't do it. You were in love with Hollan. God, I saw it with my own eyes. The two of you up in that studio room."

I feel sick to my stomach.

"Tha-that's the night I lost it. It was me. I-" Jeremy pauses and tears stream down his face now. I'm wide eyed with my law dropped in shock. He's actually saying the words and admitting to it.

 "I was the one who broke into your hotel room. I only remember bits and pieces of it and not in the right order, but I know it was me who did it." He cries but I already put these pieces together on my own the second I saw him get out of that black Escalade.

"I thought... well. I wasn't thinking. But I thought if you thought the break in was media attention related, you'd break it off with Nate. But you didn't. You were in love with him. Him AND James."

"You knew about James? Before I told you? From following me??" I gasp.

Jeremy can't produce words now. He shoves his palms into his eyes like Nate does when he cries. This is really hard for him to do. And really disturbing for me to hear.

"I knew you were struggling. I could tell you had more than one mental health issues. I knew I could help you. I just wasn't in a good place. I'm sorry." Jeremy says with his palms still in his eyes.

And that's how it all began...

*****

*Nate*

Julia talks fast but tells us everything over the phone from her Avalon apartment. We all listen intently and not one of us interrupt her. She tells us all about Donovan following her, being obsessed with her well before she ever started at the Avalon.

I hadn't had a chance to tell her he had come to the hospital. I haven't told her I know all this already, but at least his story is solid and aligns with what he told me.

Yet the way Julia is talking concerns me. She feels bad for Jeremy. She tells us how he wanted to watch over her, keep her safe. How he was struggling in his own marriage from things Julia had to endure as well. Julia is sympathizing with the man. I want to knock some sense into her but this is Julia. This is how she thinks of people. She sees all of them. Their own struggles and pain. She's not judging Jeremy. She needs to be fucking judging him right now, that sick bastard.

It was just some freak coincidence Julia ended up at the Avalon. But once she walked through those doors Jeremy knew he was the only one smart enough to help her. After watching her for months the way he did, he already knew she was bipolar. It was like a fucking dream come true for Donovan, wasn't it?

I don't even know what to think right now.

"Nate, it all makes sense now." Julia ends and takes a breath. I nod but she can't see me so Jonah pipes in.

"He's nodding. This is a lot to take in." Jonah says into the phone and watches me scribble something on my white board. "He said - even more reason for you to be very cautious. Never let your guard down around him."

"I know. But I feel bad too. He can't help some of-"

"WHAT?!" I blurt out and begin coughing up a storm and then get yelled at by everyone in this hospital room. I grab my dry-erase marker and start again.

[ don't you dare make excuses for him. I know you, Julia. You always try to find the good in everyone. Don't forget the monster Donovan is]

Jonah relays my message.

"Nate, if he is a monster than so am I. I just hurt myself and destroy people's houses. He hurts other people and destroys their hotel rooms."

Yep. Typical Julia.

"Anyways. I thought it was good that he told me everything. I gotta go help James with dinner. Love you, bye." And just like that, my bipolar hot mess of a fiancé hangs up, leaving the rest of us to digest this information.

"Well, that was.... a lot." Evan is the first to speak up.

"Guess rape runs in the family." Trisha mutters to herself and leaves the room. Shit. This was a lot for her too. Just knowing Dave and Jeremy are related, never mind the fact Dave lied to Trisha telling her he was only here for business. He never left in the first place. Who knows how long he has had his eyes on Trisha. Evan is the one to exit the room to be with her. Jonah and Casey both sit here looking as dumbfounded as I am.

[He didn't talk to her about the rape though, did he?]

I scribble and Jonah reads the message. Jonah wasn't in the room when Jeremy told me everything. He took Trisha in the cafeteria to steer her away from the conversation. So, when he reads my message, he furrows his brows.

"You need to get Paul on the phone." I whisper and lay my head back on my pillow. I feel like I am getting weaker, not stronger. Casey looks at Jonah with concern.

"Fatigue is common with pneumonia. His body is working hard to fight the infection." Jonah can read Casey's mind, but his words don't wash away her concerned look.

[I should be showing signs of improvement by now, shouldn't I.....]

My only answer was Casey's eyes filling up with tears and looking away from me. That was enough of an answer for me. I shouldn't be feeling this weak. Every breath I take is labored. My heart and lungs are working too hard to fight this. My body is becoming tired.

I'm losing this battle.

*******

*Julia*

Paul watches me make dinner while on the phone. I think he is talking to Jonah but I can't tell what they are discussing now since all his answers are simple yes, no's and grunts. Paul's usual vocabulary.

"Did Donovan talk to you about the rapes?" Paul looks up at me from the kitchen table, catching me by surprise. I check the temperature of the chicken and put it back in, setting the timer longer before sitting down with him.

"No. Dr. Tremont said we will talk about that next time. This was enough to digest, he said. Why??"

"Do I tell her?" Paul talks into the phone. Now he HAS to tell me. Because he knows I won't let up about it if he doesn't. I look outside and watch James sitting at the patio. He's listening to a book on tape with his eyes closed. Casey was the one to give us this idea for him since he can't turn pages. All we had to do was find a book he liked and put the headphones in his ears. James looks pretty content right now. He has no idea about any of this. I will tell him. Just not now.

"Jeremy paid Nate a visit at the hospital... after you saw him getting out of the SUV." Paul announces. "He told Nate all of this. But..."

"But what??"

"He told him everything. More. All of it."

I swallow hard hearing this and can hear Jonah yapping in the background.

"Huh?" Paul says into the phone. "Yeah, ok. Will do."

He hangs up and leaves me sitting here confused as to what is going on. I stare at him and wait for him to talk.

"Casey and Trisha are going to come here for a bit to visit James. Let's go for a ride when they do."

"Bullshit, Paul. What's going on??"

"Jonah rather talk in person. And Nate would like to see you. But it's going to be hard. He's in the presidential suite."

My heart begins to race.

Paul...well...everyone knows the reason I have avoided visiting Nate. That room holds a lot of bad memories for me.

I bite the inside of my cheek, contemplating but then Paul speaks again and I contemplate not another second.

"Nate's not doing great. He's pretty weak. Jonah thinks maybe seeing you will help with recovery. Lift his spirits and stuff."

"What do you mean, he's not doing great? I thought they were just monitoring him while he had pneumonia...because of his heart."

"They are. But he hasn't shown signs of improvement like Jonah thought he'd see by now."

My eyes fill with tears and Paul looks away. Nate's not recovering as quickly as he should for someone his age is what Paul is trying to tell me. When I stand back up, I glance at peaceful James outside, making sure he is ok. Then over to the cot where Mike is sleeping. Last night I spent hours holding his puke bucket for him so he is exhausted today.

I thought yesterday was a hard day. Hell the day before too. But today feels so much harder, from helping Mike with detox to the meeting with Trevor and Jeremy and all of this news to trying to put the puzzle together in my head. It's a lot. Add on the confusing moment Paul and I had yesterday was the cherry on top.

"Watch him please." I tick my head to James. Paul knows he can't be out there for long. He could have a seizure at any moment and someone needs to be there to catch him if he falls. "I'm gonna go change." I'm still in my plaid pajama pants and oversized sweatshirt. No point in getting dressed today when I thought I'd be wearing Mike's puke.

But after I throw on a pair of leggings and my favorite green sweater, I stand in the middle of the room and start crying. I know I'm overthinking shit. Nate's fine. James is fine. But I almost lost them both at one time or another. I don't know if I will be able to handle it if Nate takes a turn for the worse. I've been worrying about James so much with his seizures that I put the thought of Nate ever dying on the back burner. Not that I think he is dying but I mean...we all are. Every day we live we are dying more. It's part of life.

I've been wasting time not visiting him when I should have been by his side from the very start. All because of my fucking triggers?

"You need to fucking grow up." I mutter to myself out loud. "Stop being so fucking selfish and thinking about how things affect you." I furrow my brows while putting my sneakers on. I'm seriously talking to myself now? While crying?

"Should I be worried about you talking to yourself now?"

I spin around and wipe my eyes. Paul's smile fades when he sees my tears.

"Casey, Trish and Evan are here. Trisha will finish baking your chicken and Casey is outside watching over James." Paul steps into the room, closing the door behind him. "Are you ok?"

I nod.

But then shake my head and cover my face with my hands to sob. I'm all over the place is what I am.

I feel Paul's big bodyguard arms wrap around me and pull me in. He rests his chin on the top of my head. I cry into his chest and don't need to give him a reason why. I have a trillion reasons why. Pick one. He knows this.

"You need to sign out at the front desk first, remember?" Paul reminds me how I just can't leave the premises. I'm still a full time Avalon resident here. I nod against his chest and take a step back, providing a few inches of distance between us yet our arms are still wrapped around each other. I look up at the bodyguard and he looks down at me. He swipes a tear off my cheek with his thumb but keeps his hand cupping my face, like he's having some internal battle with himself. I close my eyes and then I feel him gently swipe my bottom lip and his breath on my cheek as he lowers his face down to me.

Is this really happening?

******