*Julia*

Some people call mental illness a disorder. Some call it a disease. Some don't believe mental illness is even a thing. They just think the person is being weak or needy. They don't believe it's a real medical diagnosis,  a chemical imbalance, as Jeremy would call it. They don't believe medications would work or believe in talk therapy. They believe you need to just get over it and move on. Not talk about what's happening, not accept it's something out of your control. If you can't see it, it's not real.

Luke was one of those people. That's why he couldn't handle me. I was just a broken toy to him. No longer his wife. No longer productive. Just something that he couldn't fix, and that drove him crazy. It also messed me up more. I never got the help I needed. Never went to grief counseling after Danny died. I suppressed everything and did it with the help of abusing pills. Anything to numb whatever wasn't fixable inside of me and ignore the rest. Forget about it all. Including his affair.

 I don't get that when I'm with Nate or James. Not even a little. They both very much believe in mental illness and different ways of treating it. I obviously don't get that with Jeremy since he is trained in this exact field of work.

No. What I get with Jeremy is fear. I get pain. Loss of trust. To confide in someone about every single thing in your life, be it loving two men at the same time, sexual discussions, talking about my suicide, showing my journals about Luke and Nicole, talking about Danny, and then have that same person turn around and hurt you physically and emotionally. That same person you told EVERYTHING to, and even had sex with willingly once, then go ahead and rape you. Hold your mental illness over your head. Threaten you with messing with medical charts. 

And that same exactly person who did all those things is the same person... the only person... who knows how to treat you and help you. Do you know how hard that is to comprehend?? 

Very hard.

"Are you sure you're ready to travel?"  Jeremy asks. Today it's Paul's turn to escort me while Jonah spends the day getting everything organized for our departure. Including making sure everyone has their proper medications and refills, blood pressure monitor, and all the medical things we need to pack before we head out.

"I can't wait to get away from you." I mutter and pay no attention to Paul, who stands by the door with his arms crossed over his chest in true bodyguard fashion. 

"Right" Jeremy pauses. "Yeah, ok. So, you still need to have virtual sessions to check in with me while traveling." He reminds me.

"That's fine. I won't physically be near you. You can't hurt me in any way." I say, clearly in a mood today.

Jeremy clears his throat and looks away, needing to reset his focus after hearing my distaste for him.

"I'm gonna make sure you're ok, though. No matter what. If you feel on the verge of a panic attack or that you're about to spiral out of control, you call me. I can talk you through it. You won't even have to facetime me or look at me. I just want to make sure you get whatever help you need when you need it so you can  move forward and heal." Jeremy leans forward, resting his forearms on his knees and folding his hands together. 

"Aside from the things I've done, that's all I've ever wanted." He whispers, knowing I heard him, but knowing Paul didn't by the way he stiffens up, takes a step forward and glares at the doctor trying to listen in to what was said.

"I know it means nothing to you. But I am sorry, Julia. For everything."

"Good, you should be." I huff and stand up to try and walk away, but Jeremy takes my hand as I breeze by him. I freeze and stare down at his hand. But I don't flinch. I don't freak out or back away either, which catches all three of us off guard. Maybe because I know I'm leaving and I won't have to be near him for a long time. Maybe this is progress. I'm not sure, but I sit back down before pulling my hand away.

Paul is on edge. I can feel it in the air around us. He's hyperfocused  on every one of Jeremy's movements now.

"Please. Can you just listen to me for two seconds before you go?" He asks in a low whisper making Paul cock his head to the side and squint his eyes to try and hear the conversation.

I say nothing to Jeremy, nor do I make eye contact. I don't make eye contact with him much. Again, for obvious reasons.

The doctor keeps his focus on me  and tries to ignore the bodyguard, talking as softly as he can so only I can hear him.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me."  He doesn't say for what, because that would be detrimental to him. He's too smart to slip up. Always careful with his words. "I just need you to know I am sorry. I don't even recognize that person I became when--- I'm just sorry, ok? I don't know how to explain myself and I know I can't erase the past. I'm asking you to move on so you can heal. That's it."

Jeremy talks in a normal leveled voice now, having said what he needed to say.

"I want to make sure if you don't feel well that you're gonna reach out. If you feel like the meds aren't working, or we need to tweak your doses, it can be done. Ok? Don't let it go. Don't ignore the symptoms, Julia. Don't wait till it's too late and you give up."

I make eye contact with the doctor now.  I hate it that he's being sincere. I can tell in his eyes. Jeremy doesn't want me to be the next Eric Furgeson. And not because it would make him look bad either. Because he truly wants me to heal.

I swallow and nod slightly before needing to look away again. That's all Jeremy needed from me. To know I will get help when I need it.

"Ok then. Jonah has everything he needs from me. Extra prescriptions. Everything. You're good to go."

********

*Nate*

"You're ok." I hold on to James from behind while sitting on the floor.

"That was just a minor one, James. You've had worse." Casey nods as she takes the blood pressure cuff of his bicep. She doesn't sound concerned. She is a good nurse and knows what she's talking about. 

And we all know James may always have seizures from his brain injury. This makes number 4. This type isn't harmful so long as he doesn't physically injure himself. Today I caught on quick and lowered him to the ground. The loss of consciousness lasted less than one minute and  the seizure wasn't bad at all. But  he lost control of his bladder a little while doing so. Just enough to be noticeable.

"C'mon. I'll help you get changed." It's just me and Casey right now. Trisha is with Jonah getting all the things on their list done together. I'm not gonna make Casey try and change a man three times her size, even though it's part of her job. I can tell James is embarrassed enough.

I help James up off the ground and it's not until he is standing does he realize what happened and the fact that his shorts are a little wet.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He groans to himself fully embarrassed. "I... did I.."

"You had a seizure, buddy. It was a quick one. You're ok." I pat him on the shoulder, my heart fills with empathy for the man. "C'mon, I'll help you get changed." I repeat and walk James into his room.

James stands in the middle of his room  pinching the tension at the bridge of his nose. I can tell he is overly embarrassed and wishing Julia was the one to help him but I say nothing. I quickly rummage through his dresser to grab another pair of boxer briefs and a pair of running shorts.

I know James can't dress himself. I'm not even going to ask him what he can and can't do.  Instead I just quickly do it for him before he has a chance to feel weird. I look away when he takes off his clothes and then focus on his feet as he holds the wall for balance and steps into clean boxers. I pull them up a little and then James takes over, able to pull them up the rest of the way. Once that's done I internally feel relieved and help him get his shorts on.

"Sorry." James is apologizing for a medical condition he has no control over.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, mate." I pick up the dirty clothes and throw them in the hamper for the cleaners to deal with. They will still come once a week to clean my place, empty the mail box and such. They'll do this laundry.

"Don't tell her ok? About the seizure or anything. She's just gonna wo- worry more." James stutters and I nod.

"Ok. I won't tell her but mini-Julia may regardless. But I won't bring it up. Are you worried about them?" I sit on the edge of his bed and  he sits next to me.

"Not really. The doctor said it's all from the accident. I just can't control when they happen or any of this." He waves over his body.  "And the fact that you just had to fucking dress me."

"That stuff doesn't bother me. I think it's payback from all the times I've gotten drunk and one of the blokes I was hanging out with had to dress me or get me showered after throwing up all over em." I laugh a little, remembering a time I got shitfaced and Harrison had to deal with the outcome.

"Anyway, as much as we are supposed to hate each other. I don't hate you. I'll always have your back and take care of you, pal." I remind James who nods. 

 I really don't hate him. I just hate the fact he loves Julia. That's it. If anything, I'm jealous of him and the relationship he has with her. They are best friends and she talks to James more than she talks to me. She tells him things I know she refrains from telling me.  They have always been really close. Hell, even while in a coma. Julia would spend day after day, hour after hour, talking to James. Telling him about her day, her feelings, her thoughts. She doesn't do that with me when I'm awake nevermind sleeping.

James's brain may be a little broken but his heart isn't diseased. He won't die from these types of seizures. They are just part of the damage, that's all. My diseased heart will kill me. I don't want to suddenly croak with James thinking I despise him because I don't, so I make it known.

"I don't hate you either. I just hate that you won." James admits. "But I'll never give up."

"I know you won't." I inhale and pat his knee before standing up. "Taco truck for lunch?"

I change the topic. Both me and James know neither of us will give up on loving Julia. We've accepted that by now. Just like I've accepted the fact that if my heart does in fact give out on me, I know Jules with have James. She can still be happy.

I try not to think of that reality or dwell on the inevitable. Instead, I take James out for lunch.  Well, Ren drives us thanks to my suspended license.

*****
*Julia*

"What was he saying to you?" Paul isn't a man of many words and usually never cares or asks questions. But today as he drives us home from The Avalon, he needs to know what Jeremy said.

But it's me who doesn't really want to get into it. I shrug my shoulders and look out the window.

"Do you think I'm gonna be ok traveling?" I ask while watching the trees whiz by us while driving.

"Doesn't matter what I think."

"Paul.."

"You're a pain in the ass, but yes. I think you'll be fine, Moretti. I'll make sure of it." Paul doesn't look over at me. He keeps his eyes on the road. "I'm more worried about Hollan to be honest."

"Why? I pretty much thought I was the only one everyone was dreading being around."

"Nobody dreads being around you."

I tilt my head at the bodyguard and let out an exaggerated sigh. "Please, we all know Trish-"

"Trish is just Trish." He interrupts. "She's just...hard on people. She's hard on herself." It's very rare to have a conversation with Paul but I find us having more and more of these little chats lately. We end our talk when we pull in to the parking garage and see Ren dropping Nate and James off.

"Where'd you two go together??" I raise a brow of suspicion. 

"Tacos. Bought some home too, for anyone hungry." Nate says nonchalantly like him and James hang out often.

"You two just decided to go have lunch together??" I press the button on the elevator and eye both James and Nate. Paul ignores everyone, off in his own world.

"You feeling OK?" I tease and put my hand on Nate's forehead pretending to feel for a fever.

"Ha. Ha. Funny. Let's go hot mess." Nate says. We file into the elevator but I still keep an eye on them. They're acting weird.

"How was it?" James looks down at me asking about The Avalon since every day is different.

But today was my last day for a long time.  I won't have to physically check back in until we are back in town... months from now.

I take James's hand in mind and lean my head on his arm since I'm too short to reach any higher...on any of the three men in this elevator. With a sigh, I look up at those Efron blues and smile.

"I'm done going to The Avalon for awhile." Relief fills my body. "You good?"

James knows I can read him like a book. He can do the same with me so when I sense him and Nate both tense up right before the elevator door opens, I know they're not telling me something.

We walk into the apartment to see Casey putting on the dog's harness for a walk.

"I didn't know how long you'd be so figured I'd take the dog to the park."

"You and me. Griffith Park. One last time?" James asks but Nate shoves a wrapped soft Taco in my hand.

"After you eat, Jule."

Casey and Maggie patiently wait for me to eat lunch. Paul sits right next to me at the kitchen island doing the same.

"Want me to go with them?" Paul knows he's still on the job even while shoving a track in his mouth.

Nate looks at Casey who nods. Why would she want another person to go with us?

Something's up.

*****
*Nate*

Julia's not stupid. She can tell James is keeping something from her. He won't last long. He'll tell her about his seizure at the park. That's the thing with those two.  They tell each other everything.

So now... I'm in my apartment... all alone. Christ, I can't remember the last time I have been here by myself. There's always someone around. I look around the place and take it all in. It'll be awhile before we are back here. The first leg of five in this tour is  two months long before we get a three week break.

Am I ready for this? Is Jules? James? None of us are, really. But that's the thing... the show must go on.

I lay out on the balcony couch with me arms behind my head and take in the view. It's not as nice as it is at night, but the fresh air feels good.

Before I know it, I begin to feel myself fall asleep. In five weeks, we will be in Milan, Italy. I find myself thinking of Mila. I know it's not right that she's still in my head, but without closure, she'll mostly likely remain in a corner of my mind. We will have to have a talk to officially end it. Though the ring in Julia's finger should have done the trick.

So why am I thinking about Mila right now? Wondering what's she's doing? Where she may be right now.  If she still thinks of me or if that whole celebrity crush has been tainted now. Is she with someone new now?

Great. I've got a semi now thinking about her. Now THAT I know isn't ok. I should only be getting hard for Julia.  My fiancé.

"Hey, playboy."

"Jesus!" My eyes open,  arms flail out from behind my head, and I almost fall off the couch. "Weak heart, Trish. Weak heart."

"Sorry, I didn't know you were sleeping." Trisha lifts my legs and slides under them to sit, laying them back over her lap. "Everything is done. Everything." She says proudly.

"Wow. You're good."

"Jonah's packing up all your meds now, old man." She teases and I close my eyes again.

"Nate, what the hell were you dreaming about?"

I sigh and open my eyes to see Trisha's eyebrows raised at me.

"Why??"

"Cuz you've got a fucking hard on right now." She laughs. I put my hands behind my head and close my eyes again.

"Wouldn't you like to know. Stop looking at my crotch unless you're gonna do something about it." I throw back at her with my eyes still closed.

I should have known better.  Trisha's having a dry spell. For all I know the last person she's been with was me, before she got pregnant. Unless she fooled around with Paul but I doubt that one very much. We all know Dave is off the list even though him and Donovan seem to be up to something.

So when I feel her hand on my hard on I don't jump up. I open one eye and smirk.

"Playing with fire, Banks."

"Am I?"

"I'm taken, remember? Go find James or someone." I breathe out but she still presses her hand down on me, slowly feeling me.

"You're not technically  taken. There's no ring on your finger yet." She pauses. "And you don't really think James is gonna keep his hands off Julia in the confined living quarters on tour. Hell didn't you invite him to stay in your hotel room??"

"He's nervous about being alone. And for good reason. He had another seizure this morning." I push her hand off and sit up.

"He did??" Trisha stares ahead. "4th one now."

"Yeah.  He may always have them. It takes awhile for the seizure medications to get into his system."

"Poor James..." She sighs and crosses her arms over her chest, slouching down a bit.

"You care about him." I study her face.

"Of course I do. He's James. We all care about him. Hell, even you Playboy."

"Should we be nervous?"

"I don't think so. You're bringing half the damn town with you on tour. There's enough people to make sure he's never alone. We've all been trained on what to do as well.  Did you know what to do this morning?"

"Yeah." And I did. I could tell in his eyes right away when Maggie  barked at her owner.  She never barks at James.  Its like the dog knew before he did. "Maggie alerted me and I lowered James to the ground before he could fall."

"Maggie will be good to have around.  I already packed your new allergy meds but she doesn't seem to bother you too much."

Right. When you have Heart Disease you have to switch up all meds and be very careful with what you take. Trisha has been right on top of it all for me.

"Did you have to change him or did Casey?"

"What?!" How would Trish know he would lose control of his bladder?

"You don't remember when my mom was having seizures towards the end?  They sometimes.. you know...lose all functions..." She reminds me.

"I helped him."

There's a moment where Trisha stares at me like I lost my mind.

"You didn't make him feel bad did you?? He can't control-"

"Of course I didn't make him feel bad!! Am I that mean? Really?" I glare at my best friend.

"You really do care about him, huh?"  She nudges me playfully. "That's a turn on. You... and that big ol broken heart of yours."

"What. Caring for the bloke in love with my girlfriend? Yeah. Real turn on."

"So that means you saw him naked. He's got a huge-"

"How would YOU know?!" I blurt out. "Ok we're done here." I don't even want to know. I get up and head inside listening to Trisha cackle behind me.

Sometimes I wish best friends kept some thoughts to themselves.

****
*Julia*

"I'm gonna miss this place while we're away." I admit. James and I lay on the grass here at least twice a week while Casey walks the dog. I got over the fact I bumped into Jeremy here that one time. I'm not gonna let him ruin this perfect place. Today Paul sits on thy bench behind us and I eventually figure out why.

James stays quiet while our eyes are closed feeling the sun in our face.

"You're keeping something from me, Mr. Gallo. I can tell." I roll to my side and prop my head up. James keeps his eyes closed and smirks. We can always sense when something is up with each other. I study his face while waiting for him to respond, trying to count the freckles spread across his cheeks and nose.

"I had another seizure this morning." James finally opens his eyes and turns his head to me. "I'm fine though. Nate helped me."

I frown.  This makes number four. When does it become so many times we stop counting?

"Maggie alerted him."

"She's more than just a good therapy dog." I look down at his perfect lips when he closes his eyes again.

"Yeah. But I'm being selfish. She's Lindsay's dog too."

"True. But she's letting you take the dog on tour. I think she knows how good Maggie is for you. So Nate was there to help you? Like... help you help you??" He knows what I'm asking.

"Yeah. He didn't make a big deal of it either which was a relief."

Nate helped James get changed. The two men I love are actually becoming friends and taking care of each other. It's not hard to be friends with James. But Nate... he's a tough one to crack.

"That's good. I'm glad." I lay my head down on James's shoulder and he smiles.

I can smell his cologne and it comforts me.  James still takes care of himself in every way possible even if he needs help.  He doesn't mope around depressed with his circumstances like I tend to do. I learn a lot from my best friend.

"I wish I could be more like you. You still smile even when shit happens." I say with my eyes closed again and feel James tuck my hair behind me ear. He doesn't fumble this time and leaves his hand on my jawline sending those familiar 'James' sparks. There are 'Nate' sparks and then there are 'James' sparks. Two completely different people that make me feel the same thing.  Safe.

I feel James tilt his head down and nudge my nose with his a little. It's the sweetest little gesture that catches me on fire every time. So I'm not surprised when my body responds and I tilt my head up a little.

I open my eyes slightly to notice how close his lips are to mine. I'll never be able to resist him, will I? I try and I try and then moments like these, moments where everything feels so right, takes all those efforts and throws them right out the window. Because the minute James pulls my head closer and brushes his lips against mine, my willpower completely disintegrates. 

I lift my hand to his cheek and stare at his mouth right before James kisses me. There's this fluttery sensation stirring in my stomach like it's our first kiss and I don't understand why. It most certainly is not.

For the first time my heart doesn't pick up in pace. I feel like it slows down. Like all my muscles relax and I melt right into him. We continue our small light pecks. It reminds me of the time we declared being out of "friends mode". To the point we packed up and rushed back to James's house for a quickie before we went to "The Grave" pub. That was the night I figured it out, while we were slow dancing to our song, Play It Again." It's not even much of a slow song but we dance to it like one regardless.

James deepens our kiss and his tongue touches mine, just a little, teasing me and sending that spark right down to my core. I clench my muscles and pull his body to lay on his side against me as we begin to make-out.

"You two. Knock it off." Paul snaps us back to reality like a parent catching two teenagers, not a 37 year old and 40 year old. He puts his phone down and raises his eyebrows specifically at me. Right. I'm not single.

I back away with a huff and hear James laugh a little as I look directly at the sun now.

"I still get you all hot and bothered. Even while you wear that obnoxiously expensive ring on your finger." James says.

"Shut up." I snap. He knows he does. He thinks it's funny. 

A good five minutes go by where James and I silently soak up the sun before we hear Paul and Casey talking.

"Moretti. Let's go." Paul stands abruptly.

"Jeremy Donovan is here." Casey alerts us. "I saw him pull up in the parking lot with some other guy.

Both James and I jump up, now anxious to leave.

"Some other guy." James looks at Paul like they have some inside thing going.
I don't ask right away because I want to get back to the SUV as quickly as possible. 

*****

*Nate*

"It doesn't even matter. We'll be gone soon." I say as I drag my suitcase out to the living room. "We can leave in the morning. If we take off at 11:30 we can be there by 7:30 London time tomorrow night." I remind everyone and give Jules a little wink. Today was a good day for her. Maybe because it was her last day at The Avalon or the fact she kissed James. Paul ratted her out, texting me that her and James kissed. She doesn't know I know and to be honest, I'm not bringing it up. Trisha and I slipped up in the hospital so we're even.

"Yeah. I don't know what Dave and Jeremy would have in common to be seen together, though." Trisha sounds concerned. She shouldn't be. We will be 8 hours away from California and she won't have to worry about Dave just like Julia won't have to worry about Jeremy. Yes, it's strange that the two men would be seen together on two separate occasions but  I'm not putting much thought into it.

"Are you ready for your first flight, Mags?" James kneels down and scruff up his dog's ears. She's already been to the vet and has everything she needs but I think Gallo is a little nervous about her once we're up in the air. She'll be fine. She's a dog.  We'll just keep feeding her bones or something, though the flight IS over ten hours.

"Casey will you be able to take Maggie for a long run before our flight? We're gonna have to tire her out." James says with concern.

"You got it. I was actually planning on waking up early for a run myself so I'll make sure she is good and tired." 

I look over at Julia who is a little anxious tonight. She's fidgeting with her hands a little while sitting on the couch. Then, as everyone is chatting away I see her get up and head to the balcony.  I give her a few seconds then get up to follow her.

"Hey doll. You ok?"  I ask once I'm out there with her. Julia is sitting on the couch but not relaxed. Her knee bounces  and she bites the inside of her cheek before noticing me. "You nervous??"

"Kinda." Julia moves over so I can sit next to her. "The last flight I've been on was coming back from Boston. That weekend."

I know exactly what weekend she is talking about. That awful weekend of Julia's son's birthday. The weekend she told me she slept with James. The same weekend we had  our biggest fight and  I first became aware of all the mental illnesses Julia was struggling with. The weekend she tried to kill herself.

"I'm so nervous now. I don't have anything to calm me down either. What if I have a panic attack? Everyone is already so on edge with me tagging along..."

"Jules, no one is on edge with you tagging along. You are the most important person that I want traveling with me. I'll see what the plan is if you have a panic attack-  We'll talk to Jonah." I  say and look up. "Speak of the devil." 

Jonah comes out to the balcony to let us know dinner is ready and hears his name.

"Talk to Jonah about what?" Jonah asks. He sits down for a moment to see what's up.

"What the plan would be if Julia has a panic attack during the flight." 

"So...I actually connected with Jeremy about that over the phone this afternoon. I'm not sure I like his advice though." Jonah starts.

"Why? What was his advice??" Julia perks up a little. Obviously Jonah is either worried about her or is covering all corners making sure everyone is all set. He is like Trisha. He thinks of EVERYTHING. Every scenario. 

"Julia, James needs your help with something." Paul comes out and mumbles before sitting down  on the last available patio chair. "I don't know. Bathroom related."

"Ahh. Gotcha." Julia gets up quickly to go help James with whatever the hell he needs. I don't wanna know. Once she is gone Jonah leans in a little.

"So Jeremy said start with the '333 rule' for anxiety. Look around to identify three objects, three sounds then move three body parts. It's a common and informal technique for coping with anxiety."

"Ok.....what don't you like about that?" I'm confused here...

"It not that... it's if it doesn't work. I rather not say it in front of Julia or even let her know this is an option, it just opens the door to shit. Let's not worry about her anxiety until it happens."

 Well that certainly isn't like Jonah. Not at all.  He finds a plan for everything. Why doesn't he want to say what the plan is for this? 

"Jonah, it's a simple question. What is the plan if the 333 method doesn't work for her? We should know." I push the subject more and see Jonah suddenly look very uncomfortable.

"If it doesn't work, the doctor recommends a low dose of Ativan."

"Well that can't be right. Are you sure that's what-"

"I'm sure. I already picked up the script. Nate, this is a tough one. Being addicted to the one thing that helps most bipolar patients with anxiety is tricky to maneuver around. I had a feeling this day would come. If needed, I will have to administer a low dose which means she knows it's available. I'm not saying she'd fake a panic attack, I don't think she would do that. But it does open that door. An addict is still an addict. Someone who will do whatever they can to get their hands on the substance they abuse. So being an addict AND Bipolar is not ideal, obviously..." He pauses. "But I had a feeling eventually we would have to cross this bridge- Where the benefits outweigh the risks. She could very well be on a low dose of Ativan for the rest of her life to help calm her. Most patients are. And a ten hour flight is a long time."

"The benefits of treating her panic attack outweigh her relapsing??"

"If severe enough, yes."  Jonah nods.

"You're right." Paul looks up from his phone. "You can't tell Julia this option."

"We'll just have to try and do our best to make sure she's calm and stable during the flight. Unfortunately, from what you've told me, her last flight wasn't a good one."

I think back to that weekend. To those flights. They really weren't good at all. 

Julia got through them by sedating herself.

*****

*Julia*

"You need help in there?" I knock on the door  and wait for James to respond.

"Yeah." 

When I open the door James pulls me in and shuts it quickly.

"What's the matter?" I ask. It doesn't look like he needs help with anything. He's fully clothed and gazing down at me.

"You. That's what's the matter." James leans me up against the wall, caging me in with his arms. I can feel his length growing through his athletic pants.

"James..."

"Julia.... just for a minute." He says right before his lips meet mine. Slow and gentle at first but James can't take that place for long. His tongue invades my mouth and he's rock hard against me within seconds. My body is on fire for him but I know we can't do this. God do I want to do this. 

For a moment, I lose myself in his kiss. I kiss him back with matching desperation as he presses into me more. The way James makes me feel....how we fit so perfectly together...it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I love him and want to be with him. I've never denied I want to spend forever with him, taking care of him, loving him.  But I also need someone who can take care of me too. James can't.  I can't do that to him- make him deal with me when my mental illness takes over.. Nate can handle that.

Nate is also the reason my mental illness sometimes takes over.  There's no denying that either. Between our addictions, his hot and cold temper..... Mila. That last one breaks me down the worst.

Jonah and Paul have always been on Team Nate and I consider them the two most stable individuals I know. They must see how he can take care of me. And I hate to admit this because it hurts to even think like this- I need more than love to survive.

"Wait." I break the kiss and try to catch my breath. "James we can't."

"Sure we can. We can do whatever we want." He says this to me all the time. I drop my head to his shoulder with a sigh.

"Why do you do this to me?"

"Because  I love you." James looks right into my soul when he looks into my eyes. "And I know when you-you marry him it all ends between us." He stammers. "Because I will never break up a marriage."

"But you'll make out with an engaged woman?" I raise a brow.

"That doesn't go against my belief system, babe. Because I still have hope you will choose me."

"James..."

"Let me just enjoy this moment. Just for a minute." He cuts me off with his lips while still pressing against me, feverishly kissing me until I back away again, making him sigh again.

"Anyways. You're still not even. You still get a free pass... payback for him cheating on you with Mila Giovanni."

"He was drinking James..."

"Doesn't matter. No excuse."

"I hate you, you know that?" I sigh but still hold James close to my body.

"I don't think you do, baby."

"Ugh. Your impossible, Mr. Gallo." I peck his lips a few more times before sliding away from him and escaping the bathroom.

God, the things that man makes me feel though....

******

*Nate*

"Do I even want to know what that was all about?" I watch Julia's cheeks blush as she walks into the bedroom, still thinking I was out on the balcony. She looks baffled and unable to come up with words. I walk over to her and pull her against me, swaying to imaginary music.

"When will I ever get you to myself?" I ask, knowing full well the flustered look Julia is sporting is from whatever her and James were doing in that goddamn bathroom.

"Funny, I remember James saying that same thing in this very apartment not so long ago." Julia matches my tone. 

"Touché." I push the side of her head against my chest and continue to sway.

I took advantage of Julia on SO many occasions when she was trying to be faithful to James.

"You're not gonna fool around with him when we're married, are you??" I look down at the blushing woman.

"No, I stopped things just now and walked away, didn't I?"

"What am I gonna do with you Julia?"

"Take me on tour with you. Take care of me. Marry me. That's what." She leans up to reach me kisses me with the same lips she probably just kissed Gallo with. And I let her.  We're both so emotionally broken yet we take care of each other. Both of us with our own diseases. My heart is a mess just like Julia's mind is a mess.

We are both broken and diseased.