LILY FOLLOWED BETA. Siya na rin mismo ang nagsara ng pinto dahil huling pumasok sa office room ni Walter sa The Org.

Pagkatapos kasi mag-mall, sa The Org dumiretso ang dalawa. Sasamahan ni Lily si Beta sa paghihintay sa asawa nito na matapos sa trabaho bago umuwi. Since they used Lily’s car to pick up Beta from Corinstones and head to the mall, they carried out her friend’s shopping bags.

Nilapag nila sa couch malapit sa bintana ang mga shopping bags ni Beta. Naiwan naman sa kotse ni Lily ang mga pinamili na para sa kanya, kaya malayang natulungan niya sa pagbitbit ang kaibigan.

“Sigurado ka ba talagang dito ka magbi-birthday party?” sulyap ni Beta.

“I am very sure!” her tone was light and self-assured. “I would love a lap dance on my party. Sexy men in red briefs dancing around me like a Trip To Jerusalem while I sit in the middle of the circle.” She gasped, struck by a new idea just now. “Oh! And I’ll be tied on that chair too. Gusto ko, sa main floor ng The Org ‘yon ganapin. Where everyone can watch!”

The idea made her giddy all of a sudden. She could already imagine Jared’s darkened face.

“Iba ka talaga mag-isip,” hindi makapaniwalang iling nito. “Shouldn’t you focus your creative energy on something else even just for once?”

A corner of Lily’s lips twitched into a smirk as they paced toward the visitor's chairs in front of Walter’s office desk.

“With a job as boring as mine, wala nang paglalagyan doon ang creative energy ko,” sagot niya bago mabilis na kinambyo pabalik sa mga plano niya ang usapan. “And you’re friends with Jared, right? Make sure he’ll be invited.”

“Ah,” panghuhuli nito, may kasama pang pamewang, “ngayon alam ko na kung para saan lahat ng ito.”

Painosenteng nagkibit-balikat siya bago umupo sa visitor’s chair.

“I can’t believe, naghahabol ka pa rin sa kanya.” Umupo na rin si Beta.

“You know what they say,” she flipped her hair with a left hand, tapos sumandal sa kinauupuan. “Try and try until you succeed.”

Beta gave her a bored look. “This doesn’t sound like you, Lily. You never chased a man in your life.”

“I know, but also remember that, no man has ever said no to this—” Tumagilid siya ng upo. She moved a hand to point along the curve of her body.

“Oh, girl, please,” Beta groaned, looked up to the ceiling.

Natawa siya sa reaksyon ng kaibigan at umayos na ng pagkakaupo.

“That’s why,” she continued, “hindi pwedeng maging exemption si Jared. He can’t leave without wanting this body. ”

“Well, good news,” a voice chimed in, shocking the two of them.

Nagmula ang boses kay Walter. Galing ito sa mini kitchen ng silid na divider lang ang nagkukubli. He wore a pair of gray slack pants and a black, polo shirt.

“Tsismoso pala ‘tong asawa mo, Beta,” bulong niya sa kaibigan habang namimilog ang mga matang pinanood ang paglapit sa kanila ni Walter.

Napailing lang si Beta, napamasahe sa sentido.

Dumako si Walter sa desk nito at may inangat na application form.

“Member na ng The Org si Doc Jared,” he proudly announced. “It means, we can invite him to your party here.”

Sumayad saglit ang napanganga niyang bibig sa sahig. Tumikom agad si Lily, napailing bago lumapit kay Walter.

“Member? H-How…”

Seryoso ba ito? Bakit nagpa-member sa The Org si Jared? A threat alerted her, made her stiff with heightened defense.

Lumagpas ang tingin ni Walter, napalingon tuloy si Lily sa direksyon kung nasaan ang pinto ng restroom.

“Or maybe, you can invite him in person.”

Nasaktuhan niya ang pagsara ni Jared sa pinto ng restroom bago sila hinarap. He looked dashing in his fitting white shirt peeking under his dark navy blue blazer. A pair of blue washed jeans tightly wrapped him from waists down, almost kissing the top of his brown Sperry’s. His dark hair was slightly tousled, finger-combed.

He didn’t even look so shocked to see her there at all.

“Invite me where?” Jared asked. Lumapit ito sa kanila.

Tatayo sana si Beta at gagaya si Lily pero nag-angat ng kamay si Jared. He gestured for them to remain seated.

“Sa 21 na ang birthday ni Lily,” paliwanag ni Walter. “Siya ‘yong—”

“The woman who wants to fuck me, I know.”

She glared at him. Pero paglingon niya, sumakto ang mga mata niya sa katabing hita ng nakatayong si Jared. His crotch leveled with her line of sight. Nagkokontrol sa sariling binalik niya sa harap ang tingin.

Pagak siyang tumawa. “Wow, Mr. Guillermo. That’s so forward!” At sumimple siya ng bulong. "Wala nang hiya-hiya, ah..."

“Why? Is there something wrong with that? We’re in a sex club. So, obviously, conversations here mostly revolve around sex.”

Damn, he spoke about sex like how a professor explains Calculus. Parang walang kamali-malisya.

“I am aware,” hindi siya nagpatalo rito. Palamigan kung palamigan. “It’s just that… you don’t have to rub it in as if, naghahabol ako sa’yo or something.”

“Why do something that you’ll be ashamed to be known by others?”

“Mag-uusap tayo mamaya,” ngingiti-ngiting tingala niya sa lalaki pero may himig ng pagbabanta sa kanyang tono.

“We really should," pagdilim ng anyo nito, nakakatunaw kung makatitig sa kanya, "Gusto ko malaman ang mga details tungkol sa birthday party mo.”

Lily faked a smile for Beta and Walter. Nagkakatinginan na kasi ng makahulugan ang dalawa. Parang nababasa ng mga ito ang naiisip ng isa’t isa. Worse of all, they glance at her as if there was something funny printed all over face. So funny, but they were suppressing the urge to laugh.

“You know what?” tindig niya. “Maaga ang pasok ko sa work bukas. Ilang araw na naman akong late. At kapag na-late na naman ako bukas, masesermunan na ako ng HR Head namin so… Let’s all go home?”

Inisa-isa niya ng tingin ang mga ito. Panghuli si Jared na sinimplehan niya ng naninindak na tingin bago nagpeke ng ngiti na naman kina Beta at Walter.

.

.

LILY STOMPED HEAVILY IN BETWEEN HER STEPS. Nasabayan naman ni Jared ang malalaki niyang hakbang.

She tried so hard to keep composure, to not explode. Hinintay niyang maunang makauwi sila Beta at Walter. Nang maihatid ng tingin ang nakalayo nang kotse ni Walter, iniwanan niya sa porch ng The Org si Jared.

Pero nasabayan pa rin siya nito habang paikot siya papunta sa parking space ng The Org.

She clenched her fist. Hindi siya dapat magpakita ng pagkabahala sa lalaki. Ng inis.

Or else, she would turn him off.

She didn't want that. She didn't want him to go away from her.

She didn't want to lose Jared... again.

Nagulat na lang siya nang may pumatong na may kabigatang blazer sa kanyang mga balikat.

“Hindi ka ba nilalamig sa suot mo?” malumanay na tukoy ng lalaki sa suot niyang pink na tube top. “It’s a cold November night and—”

Hindi na siya nakapagpigil.

Hinarap niya ito, pinukulan ng matalim na tingin ang kalmado nitong mukha. There was nothing but the yellow-orange bulbed light posts that spotlighted them on the sidewalk; surrounded by flowery bushes and thick trees, blanketed by the shadows of the starless night sky.

“Ito ba ang pinagkaabalahan mo simula nung Sunday? Ang pagpapa-member dito?” anas niya.

Lalo siyang nabwisit. Parang pader ang kausap niya dahil hindi man lang nagpakita ng pagkasindak si Jared sa kanyang galit.

Hindi nakasagot agad ang lalaki kaya naalala ni Lily ang blazer nitong nasa kanyang mga balikat. She took it off and flung the navy blue blazer on the ground.

“Bakit kailangan mo pa magpa-member dito?” singhal niya. “What do you need a membership here for?” Nagtaas-noo siya. She scoffed. “Kaya pala hindi ka nagparamdam. Para hindi ako makahalata! O, baka naman, wala ka na talagang balak magparamdam. Tutal, member ka na naman ng The Org! You won’t need my invitation card or my membership card anymore! Malaya ka nang magpabalik-balik dito at makipag meet sa ibang babae!”

Napangisi ito. He was at the midst of her stormy anger and there he was, composed and grinning through it all. Nakatutok pa rin sa kanya ang mga mata nito habang dahan-dahang yumuyuko para pulutin ang blazer nito.

“That’s the problem with you, Lily,” pagpag nito sa blazer habang mainit ang mga mata sa kanya. “Kapag nagagalit ka, basta-basta ka na lang naghuhubad.” Then he offered her his blazer again. “Malamig. Isuot mo ito. O baka naman, gusto mong ikaw ang unang bumasbas sa membership card ko rito sa The Org.”

Pinairal niya ang pride. Hinablot niya ang blazer para isuot ito.

“Basbas mo mukha mo. You won’t get a taste of me until you revoke your membership from this club!” She turned on her heels and continued walking.

“If I do that,” sabay nito sa pagmamadali niya, “hindi ako makaka-attend sa birthday party mo.”

Napalunok siya sa narinig. Nagpatuloy siya sa paglalakad habang sinusuot ang blazer. Kanina pa nagmamadali ang mga lakad niya dahil inaatake ng escapism. She wanted to just have the last word then escape from the confrontation. Escape as if, their problem will magically be solved without her lifting a finger at all.

“Sayang naman kung hindi ko mapapanood ‘yong pa-Trip to Jerusalem mo,” natatawang patuloy nito.

Bwisit na lalaki. How did he hear everything? Hindi ba nasa restroom pa ito nung dumating sila ni Beta sa office ni Walter?

“There’s nothing funny,” she seethed, still hurrying her steps.

“Why? Can’t I have my own reaction now?” He challenged her. "Isn't that what you want from me? A reaction?"

Namumula sa galit na nilingon niya ito. Natigilan siya nang makita ang maliit na ngiti sa mga labi ni Jared. Pinagdamot agad ‘yon ng lalaki nang makita ang galit sa kanyang mukha.

Her pained voice lowered. “You’re so cruel to me.”

“How come I’m cruel?” pagseseryoso nito.

Pumihit siya paharap dito.

“Narinig mo naman siguro lahat ng mga pinagsasasabi ko kay Beta! And there you are!” lahad niya ng isang kamay para ituro ang lalaki. “Balewala nga yata talaga sa’yo kung pagpiyestahan ako ng ibang mga lalaki! You really don’t care!”

“Oh, you want me to care?”

Masakit. Bwisit!

Hindi maitimpla ang mukha niya nang kaswal lang iyong tanungin ng binata sa kanya. Dama niya ang panunudyo nito. Ang panghahamak. Just that and he instantly made her feel undeserving to be cared for.

And it hurts.

It hurts way too much that the pain she prepared herself for.

Jared inched forward. His hands on his hips as he looked at her intently.

“A person is a mirror. What you show the world reflects how you see the world.” Hindi pinakawalan ng titig nito ang kanyang mga mata at buong atensyon. “So, if you want me to care, show me that you care for me too.”

She felt like a mirror, that cracked from the center the moment Jared threw and hit her with those words.

“From how you acted and what you said earlier, you seem like, you don’t care how I would feel, seeing you surrounded by your dream boys in red briefs. So, what makes you think I'll consider caring about how I speak or how I act will make you feel?”

And as a mirror, she completely shattered. And anything that shatters, create a deafening noise.

“Ilang araw mong hindi sinagot ang mga tawag at text ko,” pinatatag niya ang sarili. “I just want to make you jealous.” She tried to hold back her tears. “Maybe, that will alarm you and make you care to answer my calls and texts.”

He stared at her, understanding pooled in his dark eyes. His lips slightly parted, but they held back his words quickly.

Umiling ito, tumanaw sa gusali ng The Org.

“I just took the previous days to myself. Alone.”

Pigil niya ang paghinga. “What do you mean, Jared?”

“Hindi ako nagparamdam sa’yo ng ilang mga araw para pakiramdaman ang sarili ko. In the process, I just realized some things.”

She didn’t like it when Jared realize things.

“What things?” matapang niyang sikap na masalo ang mga mata nito. Lumapit siya para lang mapalingon ang lalaki sa kanya.

He looked away from The Org and faced her.

The suspense was killing her as she waited through the silence between them for his answer.

“I was processing everything in my mind. Everything between us.”

“You did?” she softened, drowning into his eyes that mirrored his controlled emotions, uncertainty. "You didn't think about you or me. You think about... us?"

“I did.” He pocketed his hands. Glanced a bit to the sky for a boost of confidence, courage rather, before returning his gaze into her eyes. “I still don’t know why you didn’t show up on November 21, 2017. I still don’t know why you lied to me that you’ll be there. I still don’t know why you blocked me and never talked to me since then. I didn’t know why you chose being in The Org, being with different men than with me."

Napayuko siya. Dismaya. Iyon ang nararamdaman niyang bigat mula sa malumanay na boses ng binata.

“I didn’t know why you chose this life, instead of calling me if you need me,” patuloy nito. “But I guess, you never needed me that time. Just now.”

Hindi niya alam kung ano ang mararamdaman.

Saan ba papunta itong mga sinasabi ni Jared sa kanya?

“Hindi makatarungang palagpasin ko na lang ang ginawa mo sa akin. Na itrato na lang ang lahat ng iyon na para bang walang nangyari tulad ng inaakto mo ngayon." He took in a deep breath. “Imagine, chasing me around as if you didn't break my heart years ago. Ang lakas din ng kumpiyansa mo na pagkatapos ng ginawa mo sa akin, magkakaroon ka ng chance ulit sa akin."

Lalo siyang nanlumo sa narinig.

"But maybe you’re right. I should just do what I want to do. Deserve ko man ang maging resulta niyon o hindi.”

Nagtatanong ang kanyang mga mata nang maglakas-loob na makipagtitigan kay Jared.

“I don’t deserve a deserter like you in my life, a selfish woman like you who wanted to give me nothing but stress so she can fuck me.” He sighed. “But this is what I want to do, to just allow you again in my life.”

“And why do you want to do this?”

“I just want to,” he shrugged.

Napatanga siya sa biglang pagkaswal ng lalaki. Iyon lang 'yon? Gusto lang nito? Trip-trip lang ni Jared? Wala nang mas lalalalim pa roon na rason?

“Let’s go home, Lily.”

Lumagpas si Jared sa kanya. Siya naman ngayon ang naghahabol sa mabilis na mga hakbang ng lalaki.

“You can't just say that! You can't just want to do something without a reason why!”

Hindi kumibo ang lalaki.

“I need to know why you wanted us to stay this way.”

“Are you sure?” hinto nito ng lakad.

One deep breath for courage, before she released it while replying, "Yes. I can take it, Jared. Go and tell me."

Hinayaan siya ng lalaki na harangin niya ito sa dadaanan.

"Well, for you to have the courage to chase me around. Baka nga malakas na ang tama mo sa akin."

Lily could not believe what she heard.

She felt like crying. So to escape the urging feeling to let it out, Lily misdirected her emotions. Nagpakawala siya ng nang-aalaskang tawa.

“Ahhh… So, kaya pala hindi ka nagparamdam. Kasi, confident kang patay na patay ako sa'yo—”

Madilim ang anyong hinarap siya ng binata. “Oo. Kaya pakiusap. Don’t be the source of my stress anymore. That is, if you want this set-up to go on.”

She broke the very instant he said those.

"Or else, maghahanap ako ng ibang makakapag-alis ng mga dinadala ko."

Napalabi siya. Jared turned and headed to his car, parked too far from hers.

Nasa tapat na siya ng sariling sasakyan nang maalala ang binata. Nang ibalik ang tingin kay Jared, malayo na ito, pasakay na sa sariling kotse.