MADALING ARAW PA LANG GISING NA ANG LAHAT. Everyone sat crossed legged on the grass, surrounded by the tall trees at the back yard of the villa. Karamihan ay nakapanlamig. Naka-hoodie.

The sky was a deep, dark cerulean. Wisps of white clouds slid by, the chilly fog slowly parted as time approaches to morning. Medyo masakit ang mga kasu-kasuan ni Jared dahil pinili niyang mamaluktot ng tulog kagabi sa kotse.

In the car, he did some crying. He bawled his eyes out until he was emptied. And when he thought he was already empty, his eyes would overflow again with tears.

At dahil hirap naman siya makatulog, kahit tutol ang kanyang prinsipyo, tinignan na rin niya ang laman ng cellphone ni Oliver. Sumimple pa siya ng hingi ng eye cream kay Arlene nang makita itong pagala-gala pa kasama si Isla malapit sa infinity pool. Napansin kasi ng mga ito ang pamamaga ng mga mata niya at nabanggit ni Arlene na may eye cream ito. Dahil doon, gumising siyang hindi namamaga ang mga mata.

Jared spearheaded the open forum. In his pair of gray jogger pants, gray sneakers, and pull-over hoodie, he walked left to right to get a better view of everyone as he talked.

Alam niyang time consuming na pagsalitain isa-isa ang lagpas isang daang empleyado. Pero iyon din ang dahilan kaya madaling-araw pa lang ay nagtipon na sila. Giniit niya kay Paula na gusto niyang maramdaman ng bawat isa na importante ang kanilang saloobin. He even offered to pay for any additional renting fee. Iyon ay kung magdulot ng over-time ang open forum.

Jared braced himself once Lily stood up. It was her turn.

He could also see it from her calm, sullen look that she managed to prepare herself. It was only her eyes that showed a thread of doubt.

But despite that, she went on.

Jared just stared at her. Waited.

Waited like what he always does for her.

“Noong una,” Lily opened up, “may sama ako ng loob. Sa Variant, I always felt bullied. I always felt misunderstood. Especially by the top management.”

Then she paused.

Come on, Lily. You can do it, his eyes encouraged her.

She took in a deep breath. Napaiwas ito ng tingin sa kanya, hindi kinaya ang pwersa mula sa kanyang mga mata.

“Everyone knows that, my family owns this company.” She continued, eyes on her toes. “So, to be put in the most useless job in this company, ‘yong taga-print at photocopy at filing ng mga docs... Pakiramdam ko, pinagkaisahan talaga ako. Na mas may kwenta pa nga ang mga trabaho ng janitor kaysa sa trabaho ko.” Lily mustered enough strength to lift her head up once more. “Pero siyempre, noon lang iyon. Noon ko lang naisip ang mga bagay na iyon. It only took one conversation with this person to wake me up with the truth. I am humbled down. Ginising niya ako sa katotohanan na walang maliit na trabaho. Na lahat ng trabahong iniatang sa iyo sa isang kompanya ay may halaga, gaano man kabigat ang responsibilidad, gaano man siya kababa sa hierarchial chart ng Variant. And that when it comes to work, it is not always about me, personally. That your work and your bosses doesn’t give that much damn about your personal life. Because it is your own life. You deal with it by yourself. Ikaw mismo, you protect it from your work, your bosses, or even from people close to you when they start messing it up.

Hindi ang workmate mo, o ang boss mo, o kahit ang mga kaibigan at pamilya mo… hindi sila ang dapat magsabi kung kailan mo aalagaan o pagtutuunan ng pansin ang personal mong buhay at kaligayahan. Ikaw mismo ang dapat na magsabi kung kailan mo gusto ‘yon gawin.”

Lily pulled a small, hopeful smile. “Kung tutuusin nga, swerte ako. Kasi, hindi naman ako qualified pero nilagay pa ako sa HR Department. Hindi pangmamaliit ang ginawa sa akin kundi tulong. Nilagay nila ako sa trabaho na, hindi magiging unfair para sa iba na mas qualified para sa akin.” Napailing ito. “Well, I am not really sure if it’s still a fair thing… Hindi naman ako qualified sa kahit anong trabaho. Tanga ako sa trabaho. Hindi ako makakapagtrabaho yata rito kung hindi ako Marlon. I don’t know.”

Tears misted her eyes.

But Jared was filled with pride for her.

Because she managed to hold her tears back.

“All of you had been patient with me. If ever you had bad thoughts about me, I earned it because I am always into my feelings. Absorbed ako sa personal kong mga problema, personal kong sama ng loob sa pamilya ko kaya, kayong mga katrabaho ko ang nahihirapan sa akin.” She humbly lowered her head. “Sorry sa inyong lahat. Sa mga nahirapan dahil sa akin.”

Lily heaved in a deep breath. Jared feared she’ll cry.

She didn’t.

“Siguro, ang matututunan ko talaga rito ay… we don’t have to take everything too personally, you know? Here at work.” She paused. “At… At hindi tayo makakapagtrabaho ng maayos kung… kung hindi maayos ang personal nating buhay. Namimisinterpret natin ang mga bagay kapag may pinagdadaanan tayo so, I guess, I also learned that here in Variant too. Na importanteng okay tayo sa ganoong aspeto. At kung hindi naman… huwag tayo matakot na agapan iyon. Take leaves. Or resign. Or talk to your friends. To the HR.” Lily shrugged. “Gawin mo kung ano ang sa tingin mo, mas makakatulong sa’yo at sa pinagdadaanan mo. Be alone if… if you think that’s the best solution.”

Jared lowered his eyes. A pained smile on his lips.

You chose that, didn’t you, Lily? You chose to be alone…

“It is unfair also if I will overstay my welcome here. Sa dami ng gulo at inconvenience na dinulot ko noon sa mga katrabaho ko.” Pagak na natawa si Lily. “Ang haba na.” She shook her head, smiling bittersweetly as she stole glances at the people around her. “Ang gusto ko lang sigurong sabihin, eh… hanggang Christmas party na lang ako sa Variant. At nagpapasalamat ako, ngayon pa lang sa inyong lahat. Lalo na sa patience, sa pakikisakay ng iba sa mga trip ko…” Lily filled the words she could not say with a nod and smiled at everyone. “That’s all that I want to open up about… about my stay at Variant. About everyone… at Variant.”

She waited but he said nothing, so she immediately seated. Isla, the only HR staff seated beside Lily, gave her a back rub. A pat on the shoulder.

Nanatiling nakatanaw si Jared sa dalaga.

Payapa ang ngiti.

Natapos ng 6:53 A.M. ang open forum. Nag-almusal ang lahat pagkatapos niyon. May naiwan pang ilang oras para maglibang ang lahat— may nag-videoke, may mga nag swimming. Jared contented himself inside the bedroom.

Patanaw-tanaw lang siya sa bintana kahit hindi tanaw doon si Lily. He typed notes in his journal about the common complaints he gathered from the open forum.

Binaba niya ulit ang tingin sa hawak na journal. Binasa ang sinulat doon.

Fair treatment

Nagsipag-empake ang lahat ng mga gamit nang malapit nang mag-alas otso. Wala namang dala masyado si Jared kaya isa siya sa mga nauna sa kanyang kotse. Ang iba naman ay nag-uunahan sa pinaghahatiang mga van at sasakyan, nag-aagawan sa gusto nilang pwesto roon. Given that situation, the employees were still light-spirited.

Pagbukas ng pinto, may napansin siya sa sulok ng kanyang mata.

By impulse, Jared turned his head.

Naramdaman ni Lily na may lumingon dito kaya natigilan sa paglakad at napatingin sa kanya.

As their eyes met, he felt a sweeping pain brushing his chest once more.

Lily stood there in her white pants. Her white shirt, covered by a thick cream-colored knitted cardigan. The ends of her blonde hair was pulled together by a black hair tie.

Biglang lumapit si Arlene kay Lily.

“Miss Lily!” hingal pa nito. “Sandali lang, Sir Guillermo, excuse me. Sandali.” Naghabol ito ng hininga bago binalik ang tingin kay Lily na nakalingon na rito. “Miss Lily. ‘Yong eye cream ko, hindi mo na binalik kagabi.”

Napalunok ito. “Eye cream?” She gasped. “Ah, oo! ‘Yung…” nagnakaw pa ito ng tingin sa kanya bago ito hinarap at nilapit ang mukha rito. “Pwede ba, sa work ko na ibalik? Nasa bag ko na, eh. Baka natabunan na ng mga gamit ko.”

Napalabi ito. “Gabi-gabi ko ginagamit ‘yon, eh—”

“Isang gabi mo lang naman hindi magagamit,” makaawa ni Lily dito.

Nahihiyang napasulyap si Arlene sa kanya bago ito hinarap. “Sige na nga. Ibabalik mo, ha?”

“Kapag nalimutan ko dalhin, ibibili na lang kita ng bago,” Lily negotiated.

Tumango ito. “Sige. Ingat.” Siya namanang tiningnan ni Arlene bago umalis. “Ingat, Sir Guillermo.”

“Ingat din,” ngiti niya rito at tinanaw nila ito ni Lily hanggang sa nakasakay sa isa sa mga rented van.

Nang bumalik ang mga mata nila sa isa’t isa, kapwa nakalimot sila sa pinaghandaang sasabihin bago sumingit sa eksena si Arlene.

Jared was the first one to speak.

“Walang nagsabi sa akin,” aniya rito. “Na… Na aalis ka na ng Variant.”

Kaya pala ang lungkot mo nung natapos ang meeting niyo kasama si Miss Jackie.

Nahihiyang nagbaba ito ng tingin. “Yes,” higpit ng kamay nito sa hawakan ng dalang sports bag. “Pagkatapos ni Miss Jackie, ako naman ang ini-meeting noon nila Paula at Basil.” She shrugged. “Malungkot pero… kailangan naman talagang gawin kung ano ang tama.” Hindi rin ito nakatiis. Muling bumalik ang mga mata nito sa kanyang mga mata. “Masyado nang napapatagal ang special treatment sa akin ng Variant.” At mahina itong natawa. She sounded more tired, more strained.

Jared took something out of his pocket.

Oo. Alam niya, sasaktan lang niya ang sarili pero lumapit pa rin siya kay Lily.

Inalok niyang kunin nito sa kanya ang hawak na cellphone ni Oliver.

Lily froze as she stared at it.

“I already saw everything.”

Napalunok si Lily. Nagbaka-sakali. Pinatatag ang sarili bago muling sinalubong ng mga mata nito ang kanyang tingin.

“Kaya ba, hindi ka sa kwarto natin natulog? So you can hide your reaction from me?” nag-aalangang kuha nito sa cellphone.

Jared just smiled.

I already saw everything. Even before Oliver showed it to me.

Ano ba ang laman ng cellphone? Mga screenshot ng text at chat sa pagitan nila Lily at Oliver. How sweet they used to be.

How they talked dirty to each other.

Some screenshots from the masturbation videos Lily sent Oliver when they were still lovers. He already knew them all because Lily loved him that way too. She showered him with sweetness, with affection.

With a fiery, playful passion.

Some of Lily’s pictures in The Org, making out with other men.

Jared haven’t actually saw it, but he had an idea that Lily had been involved in such risky affairs and experiments.

Nakailang pabalik-balik na siya sa The Org dahil kay Walter. He saw her a few times but doubted himself. Inakala ni Jared noon na namimiss lang niya si Lily. He only confirmed it could be really her when they actually met and talked face-to-face at the Halloween party.

Photos of the copies of medical documents that Lily gave to Oliver. Binigay ni Lily iyon noon kay Oliver para maniwala itong pinagbubuntis nito ang kanilang anak.

He already knew them all. Dahil naulinigan niya noon na kinuwento iyon ni Lily kay Nena habang kasama nila si Beta sa kusina. It was that day when they visited his parents’ house.

Kahit record na kumukumpirmang patay na ang kanilang anak, hindi pinalagpas ni Oliver. Everything that would taint Lily’s image. Anything that would make everyone think that she’s this careless, immoral woman. That she had been very irresponsible with her child. That she had been sexually immoral. Everything that would put shame into her name.

Lahat ng iyon, prinesenta sa kanya ni Oliver.

And Oliver, knowing Lily that much, managed to hit her hard with those photos. Jared understands that because that’s what was supposed to happen when you shove your pain and your past into the depths of your soul instead of healing them.

After shoving everything deep, far from sight, it will feel great. It was right beneath, rock bottom, away from the surface. That relief would disillusion anyone that they have already healed. Pero sa oras na makalkal ulit ang binaon na sakit, na nakaraan o kahihiyan… naroon pa rin ang epekto nito. Hindi naman kaso iyon inalis. Binaon lang. Kinalimutan lang. Pero nandiyan pa rin. Nakatambak.

Pero imbes sabihin ang mga iyon kay Lily, hindi na lang.

Hindi na kailangan.

Lily already realized that too.

That’s why she decided to end things this way.

Dahil hindi niya sinagot ang tanong ni Lily, tumango na lang ito. “Of course, ayaw mong malaman ko kung ano ang reaksyon mo.” Her lips quivered. Napayuko tuloy ito, iniwas ang namamasang mga mata sa kanya. “Hanggang ngayon ba naman, isasaalang-alang mo pa rin ang feelings ko? We’re already over. So stop giving a fuck about how I’d feel. Kung anuman ang reaksyon mo, malaya kang ipakita sa akin.”

He cocked his head to the side. It just hurts that his heart only grows softer for her.

“Even if we’re already over, I’d still care about your feelings, Lily. Even if we’re already over, I will never do anything that will hurt you or the people who loves you and will love you.” He stifled his breath. “Or the people you love, and will love.”

Even if we’re already over, I’ll still love you.

Her eyes were turning glossy again.

Minura ni Jared ang sarili. Fuck it. What have he done again? Now he was hurting too.

“If you want to talk to me, needed or not, just let me know. I’ll be there.”

“What if you never hear from me ever again?”

Hay. Hindi pa ba tapos ang babaeng ito sa pananakit sa kanya?

Stupid, why are you smiling? He scolded himself at what he reacted to that.

“I’ll be okay,” he struggled, by sounded calm when he replied. “You do you. Ako na ang bahala sa sarili ko.”

Lily lowered her eyes. Jared was wondering if she just didn’t know how to end this conversation or if she just didn’t want to.

Siya na lang siguro ang tatapos. Kasi kahit gaano katagal pa sila mag-usap, hindi naman mababago niyon ang isip ni Lily. Kahit saan pa magpaikot-ikot ang mga salita, mahirap pa rin sa kanilang loob isaboses ang mga nararamdaman nila.

“Drive safely,” mahinahon niyang wika, pero kuha ni Lily na tinataboy na niya ito.

She smiled, sad. “Ikaw din. Huwag mong ini-stress ang sarili mo sa trabaho at—” nag-iwas ito ng tingin. Napahiya. “Ingat.”

Iyon lang at umalis na ito, bitbit ng isang kamay ang sports bag habang sinusuksok sa back pocket ng pantalon nito ang cellphone ni Oliver.

Jared stayed where he stood. He watched her walk away from him.

Mas masakit nga ito kaysa sa ma-ghost. Nakakainis talaga.

Lily kept walking as she turned her head. His heart fluttered at the little flip her blonde hair did. The way she slightly tipped up her chin.

Those round eyes softly gazing at him— sorrowful, holding back, vulnerable.

Those lips that slightly parted, wanting to say more but just couldn't.

Pinanlisikan niya ito ng mga mata.

Palingon-lingon ka pa diyan. Itigil mo ‘yan, Lily. Isa mo pang lingon, wala kang kawala sa akin.

Lily slowly tilted her head away from his direction. She stared off to her left side before completely facing the front.

Fuck it. Ang sakit-sakit na nitong nararamdaman ko. Lilingunin mo pa ako!

Jared finally got inside his car. The most annoying thing about driving and being alone while driving is the silence. Your inner voice will compensate for that. It will start talking to you loudly.

So, Jared turned on the radio. A fatal mistake.

Kasi kapag may background music sa sasakyan, pakiramdam mo, nasa isa ka nang music video. Nagmumuni-muni ka na sa mga bagay-bagay.

Higit sa doble at triple na ang tama sa dibdib ng mga gumugulo sa isipan mo.

You’re not ready. Nasabi mo lang iyon dahil hindi ka pa handa. Hindi ka pa naghihilom. Hindi mo pa natatanggap at namamahal ng buo ang iyong sarili. Kapag buong buhay mo, ang tinuro ng mga tao sa paligid mo ay ang kamuhian mo ang iyong sarili sa bawat pagkakamali mo, mahirap baguhin. When you become an expert at something, you do it even on your auto-pilot mode. The same with hurting ourselves. When it becomes a habit, with eyes closed, even without our will, that’s what we automatically do.

You have to let go of the wrong things you’ve learned.

And I… I have to accept that I am making that process hard for you.

Because you love me.

And because you love me, you put me and my feelings first before your own. Hindi mo maalagaan ang sarili mo dahil sa akin. You even forgot to consider if you’re ready, you just jump into a chance at love like anyone who genuinely falls into it does.

Or maybe I am just overthinking it again which I shouldn’t. Dahil wala kang sinabing specific na dahilan, Lily. I am trying to fill in the blanks with my own interpretation when it’s simply just being not ready.

You’re not ready when we first met. You’re not ready today.

But someday, when you already are… I just hope, pareho tayong masaya.

Totoong masaya.

Jared sharply inhaled. Huli na ang reyalisasyong namimintana na ang mga luha sa kanyang mga mata.

.

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***

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LILY SAT ON THE BENCH IN FRONT OF THE FOUNTAIN.

Dito sila ulit nagkita ni Oliver makalipas ang maraming taon. Kaya naisip niyang dito yayain makipagkita ang lalaki. At least, he clearly remembers this place and how to get here.

She placed her pink sling bag neatly on her lap. She felt comfortable in her pair of flat shoes, an airy orange drawstring straight pants, and a white fitting shirt with short sleeves. Lily was simply feeling too lazy to get too dressed for their meeting.

Ilang minuto pa at sumulpot mula sa paliko ng daanang nalalatagan ng damo si Oliver. Malapit sa parking ang direksyon ng lalaki. He reached the cobblestoned pathway toward the cemented fountain area.

The closer he got, the clearer she saw his grin that reached from ear to ear. He wore this round necked sweater and faded black jeans that slight sagged around his legs.

“You are really here,” hinto nito sa tapat niya.

Siyang tayo ni Lily mula aa kinauupuan. Muli niyang sinukbit ang sling bag sa isang braso.

“Can I be honest?” his eyes narrowed, yet his lips still smiled at her. “I am actually suspicious you’ll appear when you answered my call yesterday and you said you want to meet me.”

Tinitigan niya si Oliver. She could not believe that he could play innocent before her very eyes. Sa ganitong paraan siguro siya naloko noon ng lalaki, napaniwalang siya lang ang babae sa buhay nito.

In this moment, he acted as if he did not show those pictures to Jared. He acted as if, he did not attempt to shame her, to reveal the secrets she entrusted to him before, to Jared in order to hurt his feelings. In order to turn him off and make him stay away from her.

Oliver acted as if, he wasn’t guilty of anything at all.

He acted as if he didn’t tainted her image just to have her all alone for himself.

She took in a deep breath.

“For some reason, Jared found out na namatayan ako noon ng anak.”

“Oh,” nawala ang sigla sa mukha nito. He wore this overreaction of disbelief, he even dropped his mouth open and shook his head.

Lily remained straight-faced.

“Nalaman din niya ang mga pinag gagagawa ko noon sa The Org. At…” she lowered her gaze, blankly stared at Oliver’s blue shirt, “at lahat ng mga nakakahiyang ginawa ko sa katawan ko.”

When she felt ready, Lily returned her eyes on Oliver’s.

Napaatras ng kaunti ang lalaki.

“Hey, don’t look at me like that!” depensa nito. “Aaminin ko, ako ang gumawa n’on! But I was only testing Jared!”

Tinitigan lang niya ito. She knew that if she kept quiet, Oliver would keep talking.

He would keep weaving words to convince her.

“Look. I just want to know if he’ll still accept you—” Natigilan ito. “Wait, don’t tell me—” Hindi malaman ng lalaki kung matatawa o malulungkot. His face wore an odd expression that showed the two. “He dumped you? He dumped you because of that?”

Nag-iwas lang siya ng tingin. Tinutok ni Lily ang mga mata sa fountain.

“He dumped you?” pilit ni Oliver silipin ang kanyang mukha. Nakiramdam ito at nanahimik nang hindi niya ito sagutin. It made him uncomfortable.

“I actually expected him to be man enough. To be able to handle that,” malumanay na saad ni Oliver, nakaabang sa kanyang reaksyon. “Kasi ako, tanggap pa rin kita kahit ganoon ang mga nangyari. Kahit kung kani-kanino ka pumatol noong nagkahiwalay tayo.”

Hindi siya natinag sa kinatatayuan.

Tinukod nito ang mga kamay sa bewang. “What can I say?” he sighed heavily. “Seems like, you have not much a choice now. I am not like men like Jared who are kind of a prude. Malaman lang na nagalaw na ng ibang tao ang girlfriend nila, nasasaling na ang mga pride. Ako lang ang lalaki na kaya kang tanggapin. Ikaw at lahat-lahat ng mga sikreto mo. Lahat ng madidilim mong nakaraan.”

Lily looked at the sky. It was blank white. No blue. No fluffy clouds. The sun was muted by the blanket of whiteness that dominated the morning sky.

Hindi niya pa rin ito nilingon.

Lily remained composed.

“Kung gan’on, bakit pinagpalit mo ako kay Gretchen?”