NAPANSIN NI BASIL ANG TAMLAY SA BOSES NI PAULA. Nakaupo ang binata sa harap ng study table sa silid ng condominium unit. Umaaninag sa mukha nito ang malamlam na puting ilaw mula may kalayuang sliding glass window. It was already six in the morning, and yet the skies were somber. Sumisilip doon ang view ng siyudad— ang nagtataasang mga gusali, poste at linya. Katapat ni Basil ang bukas na laptop.

Basil's back was against the backrest of his chair. An elbow rested on one of the armrests while his other hand held the smartphone close to his ear, tilted slightly away from his cheek. Komportable ang binata sa suot na indigo pajamas at white cotton sweater na long sleeved. Akmang-akma sa lamig ng airconditioning sa kwarto.

To be honest, Sir, malumanay na patuloy ni Paula, pakiramdam ko, may naging contribution ako. Kaya... kaya ganoon ang feeling ng karamihan sa mga nagtatrabaho sa Variant. Kaya pakiramdam nila, may favoritism sa trabaho. May unfair treatment. She paused, taking in another breath for courage. Siguro, mali ako na tinuring kong trabaho lang ang trabaho. Siguro, dapat kahit papaano, may personal na parte ng pagkatao ko ang dapat na shinare ko sa mga katrabaho ko. Tulad ng pang-unawa. She chuckled. Sorry, Sir. Hindi ko alam kung bakit napapakwento na ako rito. Napabuntong-hininga ito. And Basil could imagine her lift her head up with eyes closed in frustration. Hindi kasi kayo nagsasalita, Sir, eh. Puro ako tuloy itong nagsasalita.

Napangiti lang si Basil, pero hindi abot sa mga mata. He simply smiled because he found it funny when Paula shed off the professional mask and talk like her personal self. Or maybe because it was both a happy a sad feeling that comes over him when she does that, which is rare. The rarity of it made him smile because it happened, and made him sad because he never knew when...

When will he have another glimpse of Paula's personal self?

A time when she drops behaving like his employee and just be herself.

Her real self.

Dahil sa hinaing ng dalaga, nagsalita na si Basil. "Huwag mong damdamin masyado 'yong sa open forum. All of that happened when Miss Jackie was still the HR Head. Ilang araw ka pa lang HR Head. Those sentiments simply reflects the past management, okay?"

She hesitated. Okay, Sir.

Basil continued. "You should see it as a leverage. Now, you know where the past management went wrong. Pag-aralan mo 'yong mga report ni Jared. 'Yong mga recommended steps niya para masolusyonan ang tungkol sa unfair treatment."

Yes. There she goes again, back to behaving professionally. As she should. Damn, why was he being such a jerk? Paula was doing the right thing. Why was he asking for something more? Hinihintay ko na lang ang email niya. Malapit nang matapos ang linggo pero, wala pa akong nare-receive sa kanya. Ineexpect ko pa naman 'yong pangako niyang by Thursday, meron na.

"I think, you're just too fixated with what happened at the open forum. Kaya abang na abang ka sa email niya. You should be taking your time studying the tasks that Miss Jackie left behind instead of calling me for this, Miss Paula."

Ang tinawag ko talaga sa'yo ay ang tungkol sa in-email mong notice sa akin. Nareceive ko siya nung mismong araw ng Team Building. Nabasa ko lang kinabukasan ng gabi. There was a silence, and that kind of suspense got him holding in his breath. Lalo pang nagpakaba sa kanya ang paghalo ng kaseryosohan sa matamlay nitong boses. Aalis ka na ba talaga sa Variant?

Napakamot siya ng baba. "Well..." he wanted Paula to take it lightly, something that she would just laugh about. But it was hard, especially with his failure of a sense of humor.

Basil was very aware of his poor sense of humor so, it really made him sweat cold bullets.

"Yeah."

That's all he managed to say, after struggling to find a punchline that would be suitable.

Suitable to confirm his leaving.

Paula fell silent on the other line. Dahil doon, napressure lalo si Basil makaisip ng punchline.

Paano ba nito madadaan sa pagpapatawa ang pagkumpirmang aalis na ito sa Variant?

Ah, suko na siya.

He just wanted to... to tell the truth to Paula. To tell her everything.

Kung pwede nga lang, yayayain niya itong makipagkwentuhan sa kanya.

Magdamag.

Kwentuhan lang.

Why the fuck were his cheeks tingling at the thought of that? Bakit si Basil mismo, hindi kumbinsido ang sarili na hanggang kwentuhan lang ang magaganap kapag nasolo nito si Paula?

Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Matagal ko na rin namang plano," paliwanag ni Basil. "Pero kung aalis ako agad, paano ang kapatid ko, 'di ba? Paano na si Lily?" He saw a picture of Lily's face at the back of his mind. Hindi naiwasan ng lalaki ang pagpiga ng lungkot sa puso. Sigurado ito na kahit tanggap ni Lily, dadamdamin ng dalaga ang pagkatanggal sa trabaho sa Variant. "And, I'm the main reason why our employees felt they are being treated unfairly. Ako ang... Ako ang nakiusap sa inyo sa HR, kay Miss Jackie na... na gabayan si Lily. Kahit, sumosobra na siya." He lowered his eyes, feeling heavy at the realization that it was him who really caused Paula to feel bad about the results of the open forum. "Tama lang na ako ang umalis," pagtatapos niya sa mas magaan na tono.

I understand, Sir, Paula replied softly.

And for some reason, Basil was comforted by that. It made him feel that he really did the right thing this time. Something that he alone decided to do.

"Itutuloy ko ang pangarap kong coffee shop, " ngiti ni Basil.

That's great.

Huli na nang mapagtanto nitong may karugtong pa ang sasabihin ni Paula. Nagpatuloy na kasi si Basil sa pagsasalita nito.

"Hindi na rin kita under o katrabaho. Kaya..." he felt a lump in his throat, "siguro naman, we can have coffee some time?"

Basil didn't see it, but Paula smiled knowingly. Nakatitig pa rin ang dalaga sa monitor ng desktop computer nito. Nakaupo sa bago nitong opisina sa Variant.

Her straight brown hair laid perfectly on her back. Not a strand out of place. A red flower-patterned white headband kept her hair away from her face, showing her serene face. Her soft brown eyes and thin lips with a light touch pink tint.

Sige, ani Paula kay Basil. Handa nang himatayin si Basil nang maagap na dugtungan ng dalaga ang sagot. Let's have coffee. But! In your coffee shop.

Hindi napigilan ni Basil ang pagkawala ng magaang tawa.

"Baka two years pa, bago maitayo 'yon!"

Napangiti lang si Paula ng kanyang pagtawa.

"Now tell me," Basil toned down, "is it a yes or a no?"

Paano'ng magiging no 'yong sige, Sir Basil?

"Well, you said, we should have coffee in my coffee shop. Paano kung hindi matuloy 'yon?"

Paanong hindi matutuloy? I thought, pangarap mo 'yon, Sir.

Nanghuhuli ang tinging gumuhit sa mga mata ni Basil. Pilyo ang ngisi.

"Are you trying to say, we can have coffee, kapag natupad ko na ang pangarap ko?"

Ah, he just could not believe this woman. Hanga na talaga siya rito. Some women revolve their life around having relationships and that's okay. But for Basil, he loves a woman who doesn't just fix her eyes on dating, but also on her goals. The fact that she wasn't rushing on anything showed that she really matches what he believed in about relationship.

He waited for her response. All she gave him was this little laugh.

What does that even mean? Naguguluhang natuwid ng upo si Basil. Was he supposed to guess again? What that little laugh meant? What she really wanted?

.

.

LATER ON THAT SAME DAY, LILY MET UP WITH OLIVER.

Lily looked at the blank, white sky. Doon lang nakatutok ang kanyang mga mata nang tanungin si Oliver, "Kung gan'on, bakit pinagpalit mo ako kay Gretchen?"

And she waited.

In her peripheral vision, she could see Oliver staring at her. Hindi niya maintindihan kung paano nito nakuhang magulat. Akala ba nito, por que nasagot na nito ang tanong na iyon noon, hindi na niya tatanungin pa ulit?

"Was I really that boring?" she prodded before slowly gazing back at him. Her smile was empty. "If she's that exciting, why are you leaving her now? And for whom but for me?"

Tumitig ito sa kanya. Naghahagilap yata ng mga sasabihin dahil natagalan itong sumagot.

"You see, Lily—"

She completely turned to face Oliver. Her eyes gave him that I'm waiting look.

Oliver dramatically sighed.

"Una kong nakilala si Gretchen sa Variant," kwento nito. "Nung mga panahon na iyon, siya ang laging naghahatid sa nanay niya sa trabaho. Nagkataon na, nung hinatid kita noon sa Variant dahil sabi mo iikot ka ng kapatid mo at ibi-briefing ka tungkol sa plano niyang ipalit ko noon sa kanya roon... I met her."

She nodded. "How did you meet?"

"At the parking lot." He was growing uncomfortable. "Do we really have to go deep down to the very detail—"

"At the parking lot," she tipped her chin up, "did you already have sex or—"

"No," panlalaki ng mga mata nito. "I... I just... I liked her car. So I asked her about it. There was not a single malice in my mind. I never expect for things to turn this way. She used to be a sales woman for a car company. She saw an opportunity when I asked her about the car."

"Binentahan ka ng kotse?" bagot niyang wika, hindi malaman kung totoo ba o gumagawa na lang ng kwento si Oliver.

"Sort of," he lowered head sheepishly, eyes still on her. "Nagtanong ako tungkol sa kotse at nagpresenta siya pumunta ako sa showroom nila ng mga sasakyan."

"And on that very same day, sumama ka?"

"A few days after that. Nung shift niya mismo ako dumating. You know sales. She wanted to secure sales for the commission and—"

"I know that bit," she sighed, growing impatient but she had to keep her cool. "So, you met again a few days later and?"

"And on one of our test drives..." Oliver tried to break it to her gently. "It just... It just happened."

"It just happened?" Ibang klase talaga magkwento ang lalaking ito. Inihilig niya ang ulo. "Who did the first move?"

His jaws tensed. Nakita niya sa mga mata nito ang pag-aalangan na idetalye pa ang lahat.

"I just want to know the truth."

"Lily—"

Her smile turned cold. "Gan'on ba ka-exciting para sa'yo ang mag test drive? Kaya inulit-ulit mo hanggang sa hindi mo na maiwanan?"

"Geez. This is why..." he held arms, right below her shoulders, "this is why I don't want to detail it. Bakit pa natin babalikan 'yon? Nakaraan na 'yon." Nang hindi siya nagsalita, mas lalo itong nataranta sa loob-loob. Even if Oliver behaved calmly, his voiced wavered and his eyes just showed. He grew frantic in every layer of his being. "Look at you, you'll be just hurt again, And for what? For something that we should just leave behind."

"But..." Lily dramatically lowered her eyes, "you know everything about me. You know my past and all the dirty shits I did. At kahit hiwalay na pala tayo, updated ka sa mga pinaggagagawa ko sa The Org." She gave him a sad puppy-eyed look. "And you still accepted me. So, ano ang kinatatakot mo kaya ayaw mo magkwento? Ayaw mo bang malalaman kung matatanggap pa rin kita kahit gaano kalala pa ang ginawa mo noon?"

"Hindi sa ganoon..." He sighed heavily, frowned. "Look. We deserve to be happy, Lily. Let's free ourselves from what happened to us in the past and just start anew."

Happy? He wanted them to be happy?

Mataman niyang tinitigan bago mapang-uyam na pinagtawanan.

His face crumpled, shocked... confused. Hindi malaman ni Oliver kung ano ang mararamdaman. Kung ano ang ire-react sa ginawa niya. He looked at her like he just saw a madwoman. He would probably run for the hills, as he loosened his hold on her shoulders.

"The audacity," mahigpit at nakangisi niyang wika. Dahan-dahan niyang inalis ang mga kamay nito sa kanya. Dumistansya rito.

Mula sa pagkalito, tumapang ang mukha ni Oliver.

Yes. She had been pretending all this time. She didn't really want to know how Oliver did it. She didn't really want to hear his side. Because she already knows the story.

May gusto lang siyang mangyari para hulihin ang isda sa sarili nitong bibig.

"How dare you say things like that after what you did to me and Jared." Magsasalita na ito pero inunahan niya. "Nakaraan ko na 'yon, pero bakit gusto mo pang malaman ni Jared? How dare you tell me that I shouldn't know the truth! About why you cheated on me and how you cheated on me, when you're telling me that Jared should know the truth because that's what love really meant. Knowing the truth about the person and still accepting them." Napailing siya. "You're nothing but a hypocrite. Twisting words in ways that will serve you, but not living up to their meaning."

"Now, you be careful with your accusations, Lily," he hissed, pointing a finger at her. "You wouldn't want to be in a beef with me. With the only person left for you right now."

"Only person?" pagak siyang natawa. "Wake up, Oliver." She lunged her face to him and shook her head in slow disappointment. "I'd rather be alone than be with a person who accepts me and my past just for the sake of his entertainment." Lumayo siya ulit dito. "You don't know what love is."

"And you? Do you even know what love is?" he retorted. "Pagkatapos mo magpakaputa sa kung sino-sinong lalaki na halos wala ka nang tinira para sa mapapangasawa mo?" He gave her a crazed smirk.

"Don't try to correct me! Dahil ikaw mismo, hindi mo alam kung ano ang pagmamahal! Ang iniisip mo lang, 'yong ikasasaya mo! When it's exciting you, you're in for it! Kapag nabagot ka na, mang-iiwan ka na lang!"

Hindi ito nagpatalo. "Love is supposed to make me happy, Lily!"

"And for what? For the expense of other's happiness?"

"Gustuhin mo man o hindi, may masasaktan at masasaktan pa rin kapag nagmahal ka, Lily! This is a war! You want to be happy? You fight for it!"

"Hypocrite. You did not even lift a finger and fought for us. Nagpa-test drive ka nga nang walang kalaban-laban! Committed ka na, kung kani-kanino mo pa gusto makipaglandian?! Be careful with happiness, Oliver, you're becoming addicted to it and that's not right."

"You're the hypocrite bitch! At least, it's just one person at a time! Eh, ikaw? Umaasa ka na magiging katanggap-tanggap ka pagkatapos mo magpasawsaw sa kung sino-sino? Every week?"

Nabasag siya sa narinig, pero nagbaga ang namamasang mga mata. "I know that I—"

"Magpasalamat ka na lang na kahit iniwan ka ng Jared na 'yon, handa akong pulutin ka!"

Jared's name got dragged to this again. That was the strongest blow anyone could throw her way. Masakit.

"Oliver, pwede bang—"

"Look at Jared! He knows his worth. He knows how to see the worth of things. That save a lot of time, doesn't it?" Mayabang itong ngumisi. "Tanggapin mo na lang kasi kung hanggang saan ka lang, Lily."

"Anong—" protesta niya.

But he cut her off again. "Your worth now is even smaller than a grain of sand. You may think that I'm a loser, pero ako na lang ang natitirang basurero na pupulot sa tira-tirang katulad mo!"

Lumagapak ang palad niya sa pisngi nito. Napailing sa lakas ng sampal na 'yon si Oliver.

She didn't want to get to the point of physically hurting somebody. But he just wouldn't shut up!

Oliver glared at her, panting as he just wasted one breath to blurt all those litanies at her.

But now, it was her turn.

"I know what I did. Kinakahiya ko na 'yon ngayon. Pinagsisisihan." She remembered Jared and now she already felt like crying. "Panay ang hiling ko na sana, hindi ko binaling lahat ng lungkot ko sa sex. Na sana, hindi sa ganoong paraan ako bumaling para maibsan lahat ng dinadamdam ko." She paused and resumed once she felt her voice was steady enough. "Every orgasm I had made me forget about everything. I used other people and their bodies to feel good about myself. It made me feel good, which is something that I don't feel since the day you left me, Oliver. Since the day I left Jared. Since the day I lost... my child." That staggering pause. That deep, sharl inhale. Fuck. She thought she was already past through it. But it will always break her heart when reminded of the baby. "I tried everything but it's this sex that fucking worked for me. Na kahit panandalian lang, nalimutan ko lahat ng paghihirap ng loob ko."

She inhaled sharply. Oliver was left stunned because how would he react when she was already crumbling in front of him?

"And I never looked back since then. Dahil sa isip ko, ano pa ba ang dapat kong ikabahala? Nobody wanted me anymore. I don't need to... to please anyone anymore. Kahit ano pa ang gawin ko sa sarili ko, sa katawan ko, no one would care anymore. But Jared cared for me. He still cared for me after I left him, after I've been such a shitty piece of a garbage. And because of that, I loved him. Naging ambisyosa ako na ang tulad ko, babagay sa disenteng tao katulad niya." She sniffed, still managing to hold back the tears that already rimmed her eyes. "How I wish I kept myself pure. How I wish I respected my body more. How I wish I loved myself more when nobody did. How I wish I reserved myself for Jared. I wish I didn't give up on him. But most especially, on myself." She shook her head again, this time, in a phantom response to shaking away her tears. Even if they were still misting on her round eyes. "Pero hanggang hiling na lang ang mga iyon."

Inabot ni Lily ang bag, may kinuha mula sa loob niyon.

"Except one thing. May isa sa mga wish na iyon ang pwede ko pang tuparin."

Inunat niya ang kamay, inalok dito ang hawak niyang papel na nakatiklop.

Gumusot lang ang mukha ni Oliver. He scowled, already had a hint that he was going to get nothing from her at all. Binuklat nito ang papel at hindi na tinuloy ang pagbasa nang makita ang titulo niyon.

"A restraining order!" he growled, clutching the paper violently. "What am I? A criminal? Why would you fucking do this to me, you bitch?!"

"You are. For stalking me and taking photos of me without my permission. Salamat sa cellphone mo na nakuha ko, nagamit kong proof para ma-approve agad ang restraining order na 'yan."

Tinalikuran na niya ito. Subukan lang nitong habulin at pigilan siya, itatampal niya na sa mukha nito ang kopya nito ng restraining order.

Nagwawalang nagpabaon ito ng masasakit na salita sa kanya. "Kahit bigyan mo pa ako ng restraining order na'to, I still have options, Lily! Women would still want me! I can still meet up with every man you involve yourself with and mess with your life again and again! I can still open their eyes to who you really are! Have been! And will always be!"

"I don't care!" lingon niya rito. She was still walking away.

He puffed, fuming mad. "Because what? Sa tingin mo matitiis mo 'yang kati mo? Na hindi ka na papatol ulit sa ibang lalaki? Hah! I know you! At kung may balak kang balikan ang Jared na 'yon, huwag ka nang umasang may mapapala ka!"

Napailing na lang siya, binalik sa harap ang tingin.

Jared loves her. Jared has faith in her. He sees her beyond her dirt and mistakes. He sees her beyond her worth too. Ano ba kasi ang mapapala ng lalaki sa kanya? Wala naman. She's this woman who ghosted him in Belgium. She's this woman who involved him in a family drama, in a crazy ex-boyfriend dilemma, in a company problem and her own troubles. And what?

He still chose to take her side.

Her eyes misted at the very thought of how much Jared loves her. Because it hurts to let go of a good man. More devastating when you're in love with him this deep! This deep for her to know how his heart, his body, and mind, and soul operate.

Jared was hardwired to love her unconditionally, inexplicably and beyond measure since he fell for her. She knew it because he showed it. He made her feel that from the past up to the very recent.

Lily kept walking away from Oliver. Each step farther was a boost to her confidence, to her comfort. Walang humpay ang eskandalosong lalaki sa kakasigaw sa kanya. Akala yata nito, naiintindihan pa niya ang mga sinasabi nito.

Akala yata nito, may isa sa mga salita nito na sasapul sa kanya at kukumbinsi sa kanyang balikan ito. Oliver was this shitty person who would keep on hurting people until they give up fighting and comply to his demands in hopes that would stop him from hurting them.

Because that's what Oliver wanted from people in the first place— to comply with his demands. To serve him and make him happy. Ngayong hindi na magawa iyon ni Gretchen dahil tutok ang babae sa ikabubuti ng kanilang dalawang anak, siya ang napagdiskitahan ni Oliver.

He thought she was so desperate for love, for a person who will accept her.

He thought he could use her flaws, to get her back.

He thought he could convince her that without him, she is worthless.

"Now I understand why," bulong niya sa sarili. Mahina noong una, dahil paunti-unti pa lang ang pag guhit ng ngiti sa kanyang mga labi. "Now I understand that sometimes, you don't need an explanation from your ex. You don't need to know their side of the story. Just move the fuck on."

Nagtaas noo siya nang matagumpay na napigilan ang pagpatak ng mga luha. Nauulinigan pa rin niya ang galit na pagmamakaawa ni Oliver.

"What?" nakangising lingon niya rito. Duda siyang rinig nito ang mga sinasabi niya. Pero gayunpaman, gusto niya pa ring sabihin habang nakikita ang kaawa-awa nitong mukha. "Disappointed ka na wala nang may gustong magpaligaya sa'yo?"

Mas magaan na ang loob niya nang ngumiti ulit. And miraculously, a few strands of sunlight managed to pierce through the thick white gloom that covered the sky. Its rays did not hit the ground like spotlights, but looked like a glowing crack on a blank paper.

Lily took a turn. May natanaw siyang lalaki sa may kalayuan. Nakatalikod ito sa kanyang direksyon at naglalakad. Nakapagitan sa kanila ang isa pang lalaki na tila nakasunod sa nasa unahan.

What piqued Lily's interest was the familiar built.

The low-ponytailed hair.

And what alarmed her with the man a few feet away from her, and walked between them, was the gun he was discreetly positioning beneath his bomber jacket. Aksidente kasing sumilip ang baril, na agad natakpan nang ayusin nito ang pagkakabagsak ng laylayan ng bomber jacket.

Tinanaw ni Lily ang lalaking sinusundan ng may baril.

Saktong nagnakaw ito ng sulyap sa mga nasa likuran nito. Lumagpas ang tingin nito sa lalaking naka-bomber jacket na kulay berde. Clint's eyes widened when she caught his gaze. Napahinto ito sa paglalakad. He angled and Lily instantly knew that he was planning to face her direction.

No, no, no, no, takot na pakiusap ng mga mata niya rito.