CLINT’S EYES WIDENED WHEN SHE CAUGHT HIS GAZE. Napahinto ito sa paglalakad. He angled and Lily instantly knew that he was planning to face her direction.

No, no, no, no, takot na pakiusap ng mga mata niya rito.

Tuluyang humarap sa kanyang direksyon si Clint. Mabilis na gumawi ang kanyang mga mata sa gunman. Tumusok ang siko nito sa likuran, hudyat na nilalabas na nito ang baril mula sa pagkakakubli sa ilalim ng jacket.

Lily just realized that it wasn’t her eyes that just moved. Also her feet.

Her arms.

Mabilis na binangga niya pakanan ang gunman. Gulat na napalingon ito sa kanya, nabitawan ang hawak na baril. They collided. Napadaing siya dahil matigas ang katawan ng lalaki. She groaned as she landed on the ground face down. Pinangtukod niya ang mga palad at tuhod sa semento pero nahuli ang kanyang kilos. Tumama pa rin doon ang kanyang dibdib, nangatog sa pwersa at bigat niya nang tinukod mga tuhod kaya napadapa siya nang tuluyan. Dahil doon nauntog pa ang kanyang noo.

Lily flinched as she rolled on her side. Hindi niya malaman kung ano ang uunahing aluin— ang dibdib, noo, o mga tuhod. Kaya napabaluktot na lang siya sa patagilid na pagkakahiga.

From the shock of seeing her, Clint’s eyes narrowed at the man. Nagdilim ang anyo nito nang mapagtanto kung sino ang lalaki. Kung ano ang posibleng motibo nito.

Pagkabagsak nila Lily sa konkretong sahig, maagap na sinugod ni Clint ang lalaki. Sinungkit ng paa nito ang dibdib ng lalaking napadapa ng bagsak. Clint flipped him up to lie on his back before pushing down a knee to his chest, the other knee along with the leg pinned on the ground, supported his weight. Marahas nitong hinablot ang kwelyo ng bomber jacket ng lalaki.

“Sino ang nagpadala sa’yo?!” hasik ni Clint sa mababa ngunit nagbabantang boses. “Sino?”

Mayabang na nginisihan lang nito si Clint kaya marahas nitong binitawan ang lalaki sa kwelyuhan. The gunman’s head slightly bobbed when he was released. Luminga-linga sa paligid si Clint, naghahanap ang mga mata ng security nang hablutin sa kwelyuhan ng roundneck sweater nitong grey ng gunman. His inhale was sharp. Clint threw his hands on the collar of his shirt, on the hands of the gunman. Naglaban ang dalawang lalaki. Ang isa ay balak pabagsakin ang abogado. At ang abogado naman ay balak makawala mula sa kapit ng kalaban.

Sa ganoong eksena sila namataan ng security guard na dali-daling lumapit sa kanila. Habang tumatakbo, hinanda na nito ang baril na tinutok sa dalawa nang huminto ilang hakbang ang layo mula sa insidente.

“Kayo! Tumigil kayo! Tigil! Tigil!” sunod-sunod nitong bulyaw sa kanila dahil walang tumitigil kina Clint kahit sinabihan na ng gwardiya.

Halos walang katao-tao sa paligid. May mga mapapadaan sana na nag-iba agad ng direksyon para makaiwas sa gulo. May ilan namang sumaglit lang ng noon bago umalis.

“Tumigil kayo!” ulit ng gwardiya na hindi pa rin malaman kung paano aawatin ang dalawa.

Lily coughed and turned to face their direction. Ininda niya ang sakit na nararamdaman at minulat ang mga mata. Kitang-kita niya ang pagbubuno ng dalawang lalaki.

The worried security guard wore a stern face. Iniwan nito ang baril na nakatutok sa isang kamay para abutin ng isa pa ang walkie-talkie na nakasabit sa bewang nito. He began calling his co-guards.

Siyang bitaw ng lalaki sa kwelyuhan ni Clint para undayan ito ng suntok sa mukha. Napangiwi siya sa lakas ng suntok. Pero nagulat din. That punch didn’t even stir Clint, nor shook his head. Not a single bit. Nagtangis lang ang bagang ng lalaki na hinablot sa pulsuhan ang lalaki nang iatras ang pinangsuntok na kamay. Clint pulled his arm backward into a gut-wrenching, bone cracking twist.

Umalulong ang gunman sa pumipilit na sakit.

Matapos nitong pilipitin ang braso ng gunman. Tumayo si Clint at pinanood ang pagbaluktot ng katawan nito sa sobrang pamimilipit sa sakit. Maingay ang bunganga ng lalaki, panay ang mura at paulit-ulit dinedeklarang malilintikan ito. Na tapos na ang lahat para rito. Katapusan na raw nito.

Siyang lapit lalo ng security guard, nagsasalita pa rin sa walkie-talkie nito habang palipat-lipat ang tutok ng baril sa gunman at kay Clint.

“Sinubukan niya akong atakehin,” depensa ni Clint sabay turo ng mga mata nito sa nakakalat na baril.

“Walang hahawak sa baril na ‘yan,” mahigpit na instruksyon ng gwardiya, pero makikita sa mga mata nito na walang pinagkakatiwalaan sa kanila. Nanatili ito sa ligtas na distansya mula sa kanila, hindi binababa ang baril na hawak.

“Of course,” Clint cooly said, yet dissatisfied as he glanced back at the gunman.

Ilang minuto rin nila itong pinanood sa ganoong sitwasyon bago dumating ang mga pulis.

NAKAUPO SILA LILY AT CLINT SA TAPAT NG 7-ELEVEN. Matapos ang ilang minutong interogasyon, inanyayahan sila ng mga pulis ni Clint sa police station. Kumain din iyon ng ilang oras bago sila malayang nakapunta sa convenience store na ilang lakad lang ang layo mula sa police station.

            Nakaupo sila sa isa sa mga baitang ng hagdanan sa labas ng 7-Eleven. Puno na kasi ng tao ang loob niyon. Maliit din ang convenience store kaya limitado sa dalawang set ng pang-dalawahang tao na mga upuan at mesa ang naroon at kitang-kita sa glass walls nito.

            Kapwa sila walang imik doon. May maliit na espasyo sa pagitan nila habang umiinom ng kanya-kanyang inumin. Clint bought himself a small can of Red Bull. Kinontento naman ni Lily ang sarili sa Smart-C na orange-flavored.

“Haven’t you had enough adrenaline for the day?” ungot niya rito, nagnakaw ng sulyap bago binalik sa harap ang tingin. “A Red Bull? Seriously?”

Nilayo nito ang lata mula sa mga labi. Nanatiling hawak iyon ni Clint na medyo nakayuko dahil nakatukod ang mga siko sa mga tuhod.

“Shit. Didn’t you see what happened back there? Sinaid ng gagong iyon ang brain cells ko. Napakakunat ng hayop. Ayaw magsalita kung sino ang nag-utos sa kanyang patayin ako.”

“Lawyer ka na niyan, ha?” ngisi ni Lily dito.

Ni hindi siya tinapunan ni Clint ng tingin. “Hah. We’ll see each other in court. Hindi ko titigilan ang animal na ‘yon.”

She shrugged. Tumuwid ng upo habang sinasara ang cap ng bote ng inumin. Napagawi sa kanya ang tingin ni Clint.

“Kumusta ang kapatid ko?”

Natigilan siya. Wala pa bang napagsasabihan si Jared ng kinahinatnan nila?

Siya ba ang magsasabi?

“Kung gusto mo siya kumustahin, bisitahin mo siya.”

Clint groaned in protest, his eyes returned to the front. “Kapag binisita ko siya, imbes na siya ang magkwento, ako ang tatadtarin n’on ng mga tanong. In the end, ako lang ang mapapakwento sa amin.” He turned to her with narrowed eyes. “Jared just have a way with turning a conversation to something favorable to him.”

And he didn’t do that… nung team building. He could have turned things around to his favor. He could have changed my mind.

He could have made me stay.

But he didn’t.

He made things go the way… I want it to.

Nanlumo siya sa reyalisasyon. Napaiwas siya ng tingin kay Clint.

“Ang sa akin lang, sa tingin ko, matutuwa si Jared kapag binisita mo siya, just for one, para mangumusta. Hindi ‘yong dahil lang may kailangan ka sa kanya.”

Ilang segundo rin napaisip si Clint. Natahimik.

Then he took a different tone. Mas magaan, pero naroon pa rin ang kaseryosohan.

“Do you have an idea why on our very first meeting, I never liked you for my brother, Lily?” matamang titig nito sa kanya.

She wasn’t looking at Clint directly, but she knew he was looking. She could feel the weight of his gaze.

“Because I am the girl in Belgium who ghosted him? Or is it because I am that whore in The Org?”

He was surprised, but never had a big reaction.

“You knew I know those things.”

“Nakikita kita sa The Org, alam mo ba ‘yon?” ngisi niya, hindi umabot sa mga mata. “Bukod sa may tampo ako kay Nena, naiilang ako makipag-close ulit sa kanya dahil paano ko sasabihin sa kanya na nakita ko nang hubo’t hubad ang asawa niya?” She gave him a sidelong glance. Mapang-asar ang ngisi. “Pasalamat ka, hindi kita pinatulan.”

Naeeskandalong pinanlakihan siya ni Clint ng mga mata. “Pwede ba, Lily? Iyang bunganga mo—” Luminga-linga sa paligid ang lalaki bago siya binalingan ulit. “Pasalamat ka rin, hindi kita nilapitan kahit kailan.”

“I know you won’t. A Dominant like you is less likely to mess with a Dominatrix like me,” she faced the front with a renewed smirk.

At sumeryoso na siya.

Tumamlay ang boses.

“That’s why you never liked me, right? You think that I don’t deserve your brother.”

Clint tsked. Nasa harap lang din ang tingin nito.

“I don’t know anything about deserve. I, for one, don’t think I deserve an angel like Nena. I have been a total asshole. Not just to her, but to the women who came before her. I just stick to my role as a Dom. I did my part without putting a little heart to it. Which, is a disgrace to what BDSM stands for.” He expelled his deep breath into a sigh. “But my point is… Ayokong hanggang sa huli, sunud-sunuran ang kapatid ko sa ibang tao.”

Napatitig siya rito. “Sunud-sunuran?”

Hindi natinag si Clint sa posisyon nito. “You see, all his life, my brother did nothing but others’ bidding. Our parents wanted a doctor, so he went to a medical school. Hindi kinaya pero imbes na ipursue ang passion niya, he still tried to compensate with what my parents wanted. He became a psychologist. Got a doctorate. At least daw, doktor pa rin siya.”

“Gago talaga,” iling ni Lily. Hindi niya malaman kung matatawa o maiiyak. She already knew that story about Jared, amd yet it pained her to see his story in a different angle.

From Clint’s perspective.

“I rebelled from our parents. I took up Law, kahit ayaw nila. I asked Jared lots of favors, dahil may panahon na talagang ginipit ako ni Dad, mapatigil lang ako sa abogasya. Wala akong narinig na reklamo sa kapatid ko. He did things for me. He even helped me out, in understanding some of the cases I handled.” He paused to breathe. “He came to the point that he did nothing but bug me. Laging naghahanap ng pwede niyang magawa para sa akin. Nakulitan ako, oo. But more so, I just found it unbearable. I think he’s being a doormat or something. He wanted to serve other people at the expense of his self and his happiness. Kaya tinataboy ko na siya paminsan-minsan.” Napailig ito. “I don’t know if I did the right thing. If there is any other way more effective than this. Pero gusto ko lang ma-realize ni Kuya na, malaya siyang gawin ang mga bagay na gusto niya. Hindi niya kailangang maging sunud-sunuran sa mga iuutos o gustong ipagawa ng ibang tao sa kanya.”

Is that why he let me leave? Dahil sunud-sunuran siya?

“I think there’s a deeper meaning to that,” lapit ni Lily rito. “Sa tuwing kasama ko si Jared, nakikita ko na… iyon talaga ang gusto niyang gawin. Ang makatulong sa mga taong mahal niya. It’s his love language, an act of service.”

Naliwanagang napamaang si Clint. Natulala saglit bago manghang napalingon sa kanya.

“How sure are you?”

Pagak siyang tumawa. Walang kabuhay-buhay.

“Let’s just say I experienced it first hand, how he shows assertiveness and dominance,” tumayo na si Lily. “I have to go.”

“Wait—” pigil nito sa kanyang braso.

“Pakiusap. Huwag mong sasabihin kahit kanino itong nangyari. Lalo na kay Nena.”

“Bakit?” balik niya sa pagkakaupo.

Bumitaw si Clint sa kanyang braso.

“I know, I promised not keep secrets from her anymore,” his voice weakened in frustration. “But she’s pregnant. Ayokong makaapekto ang pag-aalala niya sa baby. She’s already worried for my life. Lalala pa iyon kapag nalaman niyang muntik na ako mamatay kanina.”

Lily lowered her eyes. “Kailan mo sasabihin sa kanya ito?”

“Siyempre, kapag handa na kami.”

“Kami?” nakaw niya ng sulyap na nahuli naman ng mga mata ni Clint.

“Yes.” Nalito ito sa pagkwestiyon niya sa desisyon nito. But he obliged anyways. “I mean, that’s how it is supposed to be with secrets, right? If you don’t want a secret to ruin your relationship with the other person, you just talk about it when both of you are ready for it.”

“How do you know you’re ready?”

“When you think about the secret, and it doesn’t make you feel anything anymore.”

“And you can still be with that person? Kahit may nililihim ka sa kanya? Kahit nakokonsensya ka?”

He looked far away. “Things like that just motivate you to up your game. To show more effort. To make that person feel more loved. So in the end, they’ll realize that your love has more gravity than the secret you kept.”

“But that’s just… so wrong,” her voice strained with disapproval, eyes strayed away from Clint.

“It’s wrong when the secret is ill-intentioned, or a fruit of negligence. It’s right when it is for the sake of the person you keep your secret from. It shouldn’t be about denying the truth but delaying the truth.” He shrugged. “Of course, it’s just me. My opinion.” He returned his eyes on her. “My thing is, it’s helpful to buy yourself some time to dull the sharp edges of a secret. So when you reveal it, when you jabbed it to the other person, it isn’t that painful for them.”

Napaisip siya sa mga sinabi ni Clint.

Her heart thumped, tension looming over her. Pakiramdam niya, nagsimulang umandar ang isang countdown timer.

Paubos na ang oras.

“I have to go.” Bumaba na ng hagdan si Lily.

Humabol si Clint ng tayo. “Tell Jared—”

Natagalan ang karugtong ng sasabihin nito kaya napalingon si Lily rito. He gave her a stare, as if there was an argument going on at the back of his mind. Then, Clint settled into a final decision.

He shook his head, shaking off what he wanted to say earlier.

“Never mind. I’ll tell him myself. Salamat, Lily,” maaliwalas nitong wika sa payapang boses. “Salamat sa pagligtas mo sa akin kanina.”

“You saved yourself. Kung saan mo man natutunan ang self-defense, it finally paid off.”

“The self-defense is nonsense if it wasn’t for your sharp observation. Nalaman mo agad na may baril ang tarantadong nakasunod sa akin. Nahalata mong sinusundan niya ako.”

“Ano ba kasi ang ginagawa mo d’on nang ikaw lang?” She was just curious. Alam naman kasi ni Clint na may nagbabanta sa  buhay nito, kaya bakit lumakad ito nang mag-isa?

“I guess there’s no use to lie,” anito. “I followed you.”

Kinabahan siya. “You followed me?”

“I happened to… overhear at the firm that Attorney David is processing a restraining order file for you. She doesn’t want to tell me what the restraining order was for. I worried it’s for Jared. Isipin ko pa lang ‘yon, naiinis na ako. Because there you go again, breaking my brother’s heart.” And for the first time, Clint granted her a loose, genuine smile. “Damn. How glad am I, I was wrong.”

Naluluhang napangiti na lang siya kay Clint. Tremors began pulsing in every inch of her soul and being. Nahigit niya ang hininga, nilalabanan ang mapahagulgol.

“Please, kumustahin mo ng p-personal si Jared, ha? Visit him. He’ll… he’ll be glad you’re dropping by.”

Bahagyang nagsalubong ang makapal na mga kilay ng lalaki. Nagtataka sa kanyang reaksyon.

Hindi na siya naghintay pa sa mga sasabihin nito. Lily immediately turned around and headed to the parking space beside the police station. Binalikan niya roon ang iniwang kotse.

“It’s that easy! It was that easy!” She slammed at the steering wheel. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks as she drove.

Nag-ulap ang kanyang paningin. Tila may hamog na bumabalot sa harapan ng kanyang  kotse.

“Why do I even give a fuck about deserving? Why am I such a fool? Why did I let Jared go?” she sobbed.

Ilang minuto pa at nahimasmasan din siya.

Nasa kalagitnaan si Lily ng pagmamaneho. Sumisinghot habang panakaw ang pagpunas ng kamay sa mukhang basa ng luha.

“No. Lily. You did the right thing,” she consoled herself. “It’s better this way than… than keeping secrets from Jared. It’s better this way. It’s better to hurt now than later.” Napailing siya. Mapait na napangiti. “Si Clint, asawa na niya si Nena. Tantyado na niya si Nena. Isa pa, hindi kasing bigat ng sikreto ko ang nililihim niya kay Nena. He doesn’t understand what he’s talking about. He’s talking based on his situation. Not mine!”

But no matter how hard and how many times Lily tried to justify what she did, she felt so wrong.

Bakit pa siya nagtataka?

It’s impossible to let go of the person you love so much and feel right about it.

.

.

Two years later…

“GRIEF is the pain, the anguish that we feel when we lose something or someone,” Jared said, compassionate and low-toned.

His forehead slightly creased. Nauunawaan niya ang pinagdadaanan ng kausap sa video call. Two years later and here he was, already in the middle of a session with a client. He's taking online sessions for months already.

Here in Antwerp, Belgium.

Yes. It had been two years. He already aced handling his emotions about what happened between him and Lily.

Pero sino ba ang niloloko niya?

Siyempre, apektado pa rin siya ng kanilang paghihiwalay.

Time and being busy just dulled the sharp claws of the heartache that dug deep, clutching his heart.

The dullness of the claws lessened the pain but they still clutched his heart.

The pain was still there, holding on.

“It is a human emotion. It is normal to feel grief, if we lose people we love,” he continued. “Each day, we feel a lacking, an emptiness within our selves. We feel a loss of rhythm because, things start to be not what they used to be.

Before, we get to see them anytime we wanted. Then, we feel robbed when taken away that freedom to see them again. To hold them again. To even talk to them again.”

Jared looked down, away from the laptop screen.

“Let it out. It’s okay,” he sighed. Fuck. Tears were rimming his eyes now.

Are you okay, Doc?

Nakayuko pa rin siya, mga mata lang ang tumaas, nag-angat ng tingin sa kausap. He pulled a smile, an automatic defense mechanism on his part.

“Of course. Of course.” Tinipid niya ang mga salita. Alam ni Jared sa sarili na manginginig ang kanyang boses kapag nagpatuloy ng salita.

Are you grieving too, Doc? Have you lost someone too? garalgal ng babaeng ka-video call niya.

“We lose people every now and then in our lives. Some more impactful than the others, but—” tumawid siya ng upo, humugot ng malalim na paghinga. Kinurap niya ang mga mata para paatrasin ang mga luha. “Of course, I lost someone too. Some left to exist without me. Some left and… just like you,” he nodded at her, “I will never have the chance to ever talk to again.”

Which is more painful? That they left but still exist, or they left and you cannot see them again?

Napatitig siya sa kausap. May mga instances talaga na ganito. Na may nae-encounter siyang kliyente na parang nire-reverse ang roles nila sa session. Na mistulang ito ang psychologist na panay ang tanong.

Base sa obserbasyon at karanasan ni Jared, kadalasan sa mga ito ay ginagawa iyon para makaramdam ng validation sa paraang hindi biased ang magiging dating sa mga ito. They ask their psychologist— him— a question to see for themselves if what they feel is validated, is rational.

Once they get that security, they slowly open up to him about their thoughts… their feelings.

“Pain is subjective. We deal with different kinds of pain. Sometimes, we cry. Sometimes, we become so silent, cannot be talked to. Sometimes, we experiment to find the best way to manage pain. Some person I knew tested a certain psychological theory, tried to bend the concept of Pattern Interruption just to compensate with the effects of that loss he had.” Napailing siya. Naalala ang misyon noon na maperpekto ang Pattern Interruption para matulungan ang kanyang sarili na alisin sa sistema niya si Lily. Ang pisikal na pangangailangan na binuhay ng babae sa kanya na hirap siyang kontrolin nang iwanan nito sa Belgium.

He had been really that crazy. Yes, he did that. He tried to turn to social experiments to find an answer about his own pain.

He, based on experience, learned that people find their own pain special. That no one understands our pain but only us. That no one feels the way our loss hurts, only us. That no one experiences the same pain as we do.

Because we find our own pain special.

That it belonged to no one else  but ours. That we are the only one who can feel that specific pain we have in their chest. So, in return, we thought that the solution to that pain has to be something exclusive to us. Something that no one else does when they are hurt. A friend might say shouting at the top of the mountain will make us feel better because it worked for them, but we won’t take their advice. We seek for solutions specialized for our own pain, not based on someone else’s blueprints.

Because to us, our pain is special. Like no other. Exclusively ours.

“What hurts us might not be as equally painful for anyone else.” His voice slightly wavered. Para emosyonal na makahuma, ispesipikong tinuon niya ulit sa pasyente ang mga salita. “The same goes for you. I may not know the pain you’re having for losing a mother to cancer. But, I know how pain feels like. We may deal with different kind of pains but… for all of us, it feels the same. It’s… it’s tormenting.”

Nagbaba ng tingin ang babae. He saw a trace of disappointment because he hadn’t answered her question.

Jared chose to be honest. “For me, it’s painful to lose someone and know they are still around.”

Napatingin ang babae sa kanya.

“The fact that I have every opportunity to go and talk to them. Go and be with them. Go and touch them. But, I can’t.” Jared threw a pained smile toward her. “That’s my kind of pain. How about you? What will you miss about your mother?”

Siyang buhos ng pinipigilang mga luha ng babae.

Everything, Doc. Everything.

“Of course,” maluha-luha niyang sagot. “You will really miss everything about her.”

Does your mother cook for you, Doc? Mine does. I will miss that. I will miss her cooking.

“Her embraces,” he added.

Pagak na natawa ang kliyente. Y-Yes…

“Her kisses—" He gasped and remembered something particular. “Her voice!”

Yes. I won’t hear her voice again in person anymore. I… I… I have a very talkative mother, Doc. I’ll miss her… She covered her face with her hands. Sobbed heavily.

“It’s okay to cry,” he encouraged. “Grieving is a stage you really through when you lose someone.”

I don’t know, Doc, patuloy ng babae sa paghagulgol. Panay ang punas nito ng mga ay sa mukha. I am not really like this. I am the eldest. I am this strong person… The rock of my siblings, my family…

“Crying, grieving rather, doesn’t make you less of a man, less of a person. In fact, it’s one of the most human thing you can feel.” He looked away, found his eyes at the foggy window of his room.

And how often do we get something special in our lives? Not everyday. Just occasionally.

That’s why something is called special.

Espesyal dahil hindi mo lagi nararanasan o nakikita. Hindi pangkaraniwan.

Kaya tiwala si Jared na balang araw, maghihilom din ang sakit na nararamdaman ng isang tao.

“This makes our pain special. This doesn’t makes us special. But each of our pain is special.” Jared returned his eyes on the screen. “It teaches us how to be better. And I know you want that, Cindy. You want to be better because now that your mother is gone too like your father, you remain the only rock your siblings can lean on to.” Ang babae na rin mismo ang nagsabi kanina. Ito amg panganay. She’s the rock of the family. And he was trying to reach out deeper into her by using her personal vocabulary. “Coming out better from this pain will make you  a stronger rock for them.”