Five years ago...

"I AM CONFESSING BECAUSE... you've been a really great person in my life, Lily. You really are. Umaamin na ako because, you deserve the truth."

Kontrolado ni Lily ang galit. Mariing nakakuyom ang kanyang kamao habang matigas sa pagkakaupo sa solohang sofa. Magkaharap sila ng nobyong si Oliver sa isang table set malapit sa malaking pinto na patungo sa balkonahe. Abot-tanaw sa balkonaheng iyon ang kalapit na mga bahay pero tirik noon sa pwestong iyon ang araw. Kaya doon sila pumuwesto para mag-usap.

Hindi nagpaligoy-ligoy si Oliver. He just said those two words— I cheated.

Lily would usually put a good humor in connection to things that Oliver say. Why not? She was young back then. Everything that her lover says, she always choose to look at them in a positive light.

At first, she wanted to chuckle. She wanted to assume that Oliver meant he cheated on his diet. That he overate those huge burgers without inviting her to join him in his favorite restaurant. Pero sobrang seryoso ng mukha ng lalaki. Kahit gaano katigas ang anyo nito, tensyon ang nakaguhit sa mga mata ni Oliver. Kabado itong nag-aabang sa kanyang magiging reaksyon. And that deadly silence that grew between them already changed her mood. It was already a tell-tale sign that he was pertaining to something really serious.

To a problem.

It was a humid July afternoon. Ayaw niyang sabayan ng init ng ulo ang init ng panahon. Kaya heto at nagtitimpi si Lily.

"If I am a really great person, you won't do this shit, Oliver."

Nanatiling matatag ang binata. Lily knew he was only doing so to protect his stupid manly pride. Just to show a sign of vulnerability or fear over the reaction of a woman like her would fold him in humiliation. It was only in this moment when it began to sink in for her: Oliver is such a very, very pathetic man.

"Be honest now, Oliver. Ano ang ginawa kong masama sa'yo? I should have done something wrong for you to do this to me."

How she wished this was only a prank. Because the longer their conversation became, the more this dread clenched her heart— like a lung being suffocated. Lily controlled her breathing. Kung hindi, mauubusan siya agad ng hininga. Dahil oo, malaking insulto pero, nung panahong iyon, pakiramdam niya mamamatay na siya.

"Lily, huwag mong i-down ang sarili mo. Life just happens. Someone just suddenly comes along our way and changes everything. It's not entirely your fault. It's me, not you."

Lily was glaring at Oliver. Really pathetic. Sobrang gasgas na ng excuse na it's me, not you.

"And you're saying I deserve the truth?" she grew icier, her words are muttered low yet biting— a frost bite in the middle of a hot July afternoon. "Do you expect me to believe na 'yan talaga ang iniisip mo? That I deserve the truth?" Tumuwid siya ng pagkakaupo, perpekto ang pagkakabagsak ng kaka-blue dyed niyang buhok. "Don't be an insult to my IQ, Oliver. If you really think I deserve the truth, you.won't.cheat.on.me!" Her shoulders shook, smooth and bared by the white spaghetti strap top she was wearing. Lily slightly shook at her controlled emotional outburst. "You.won't.lie.to.me!"

But she already lost it. She snapped the moment she noticed how dead Oliver's eyes looked. It was as if he was only sitting through this conversation, staring at her, waiting for her to finally tell him to leave. Walang ka-effort-effort sa parte nito ang aluin siya. Ni humingi ng sorry, hindi pa rin nito nagagawa.

"I trusted you! I trusted you, Oliver! I even fucking gave up on my pills when you promised me na bubuo na tayo ng sarili nating pamilya!" She clenched her fists again, or else her anger would make her visible tremble. Ayaw niya. Tulad ng lalaki, may pride pa rin siyang pinaiiral. Ayaw niyang ipakita rito na matindi ang pinsalang dinulot ng lalaki sa buo niyang pagkatao. "Ang kapal ng mukha mo! Sa liit mong iyan, nagkaroon ka pa ng kapal ng mukha—"

Napatayo na rin si Oliver sa kinauupuan nito. He wore nothing but a pair of blue and green drawstring shorts. He didn't even have abs. How did she even got horny days ago for this sorry piece of shit?

"Oh, really? You trusted me?" panunumbat ang nasa tono ni Oliver. "Then why use pills?"

Namilog ang mga mata niya. Hindi siya makapaniwalang dinadamay pa ng lalaki ang paggamit niya ng birth control pills. She was so speechless at how shallow Oliver had always been without her knowing. At dahil napatanga siya sa sinabi nito, napagpatuloy ni Oliver ang paglilitanya.

"You never trusted me in the first place, Lily! What are the pills for? For assurance that I won't get you pregnant, right?"

Well, duh! The more he looked like a brainless dump the more he opened his stinky mouth!

Nalilito siya sa pinagpuputok ng butse ng lalaki. "So, you cheated on me because I use pills? Because using pills nowadays is a new basis about how much a person trusts you?" Napailing siya. Tinampal si Lily ng ilang hibla ng asul niyang buhok para gisingin sa katotohanang istupido pala si Oliver. Hindi siya makapaniwala talaga. "My god, Oliver! May ikikitid pa pala 'yang utak mo!"

"That's not just it, Lily," pagkalma nito. Probably, he was getting this satisfaction from seeing her burst like this, explode like this. Tuwang-tuwa siguro sa loob-loob ni Oliver ang pride nito. Then, he used his last ace to shatter her heart. "I already love Gretchen."

"Because she doesn't use pills?" Her tone is mocking, her smirk was sarcastic.

"Yes." Aba, proud pa roon ang hayop na manloloko. "So what? At least, I know she doesn't have the tendency to fuck someone else behind my back. What about you? Using pills to cover up something? To avoid an unwanted pregnancy from some other men?"

Ewan niya kung magagalit o pagak na tatawanan ang lalaki. Nag-aamba na ang mga luha niya, pero nasa kalagitnaan pa rin siya ng paggapang ng panlalamig sa buong katawan. Nakakapanginig ng mga kalamnan. It was irritation in a whole another level. Hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala sa kabobohang taglay pala ni Oliver. He is so good at being stupid she did not track that throughout their relationship.

But his words already marred her. Iyon ba ang impresyon ni Oliver sa paggamit niya ng pills? All this time, was he thinking that the only reason a woman would use a pill is because she's fucking around with a lot of men? Is that the only reason why a woman would not want to be pregnant?

Lily knew the answer to all of that is a big no. But what bothered her are the people who knew she was using pills, except her OB. Iyon din kaya ang tumatakbo sa isip ng mga ito lalo na kapag nakatalikod siya? Na isa siyang pariwara? Na hayok siya sa sex kaya gumagamit ng pills para kahit gaano kadalas niyang gawin ay hindi mabuntis?

After that, Oliver already packed his bags and left. Bahala na raw siya kung ano ang gusto niyang gawin sa bahay na pinundar nilang dalawa para sa kanila. It took her a week to get herself together. She cried almost everyday, feeling sorry for herself. How could she let a man make a fool of her? How could someone she love just abandon her?

Lily tried to ask for help, but her family were too busy with her elder sister's problem. Iyon ay nung mga panahong may lamat na ang relasyon ni Daisy at ng asawa nito, ilang buwan bago nagpasyang magpa-annul ang mga ito. Ayaw niyang dumagdag sa poproblemahin ng kanyang pamilya kaya kaibigan ang sunod niyang hinanap.

But after visiting the San Pedro's mansion, she found herself alone in the driver's seat of her car.

Paulit-ulit niyang tinawagan doon si Nena. Pero hindi talaga maka-connect ang tawag niya sa numero nito. Lily found herself streaming tears down on her cheeks before completely giving up.

She has never felt so abandoned in her life before. So uncared for.

So unheard.

She wanted to shout with someone beside her. She wanted to cry on someone's shoulder. She wanted to be wrapped by someone's arms.

But no one was there. And no one even bothered to check on her as she stayed for two more weeks in the goddamned townhouse that was supposed to be her and Oliver's home. She stared at walls sometimes, refused to eat. She nitpicked every scenario with Oliver that has red flags that she chose to ignore. Lily even changed her hair color into orange. Wala siyang pakialam kung masunog ang anit niya. Siya mismo ang nagpalit sa kulay ng kanyang buhok. The process made her hair brittle. Napilitan tuloy siyang tapyasan ang buhok. Kaya umikli iyon at umabot ng lagpas balikat.

Until she finally decided to book a flight to Singapore. Iyon ang una niyang stopover.

That was also her first taste of rebellion.

If that's how Oliver thinks of her, then she is. She is a slut then.

She would venture all over the world and fuck different men.

Stupid, but she has to compensate for wasting her years being loyal to a cheat. Kailangan niyang makabawi. Sa isip ni Lily, ito lang ang paraan para malamangan niya ang manlolokong hayop na iyon.

Pero nang marating niya ang Singapore, hindi rin naman nangyari iyon. All she did was a lot of mindless walking around. Lutang at halos hindi pansin ang paligid sa tuwing namamasyal. Habang nagtatawanan ang mga tao sa Sentosa, mag-isa naman siyang nakaupo sa cable car. Kukuha lang siya ng mga litrato at tutulala sa mga nadadaanang magagandang view.

She never took a single selfie because she didn't want a remembrance on how ugly she turned out when Oliver left her.

And believe it or not, she enjoyed it. She enjoyed the isolation. She enjoyed being with no one else but herself. Kaya nag-extend ang pamamasyal niya. Napapagalitan na siya ng mga magulang niya. Sinasayang lang daw niya ang pera ng mga ito— iyon lang ang kinagagalit nila. Wala sa kanila ang nagsabing nag-aalala sila para sa kanya. Wala sa kanila ang nagtangkang puntahan siya para samahan siya. No one made such an effort to save her.

So she saved herself.

She travelled until she arrived at London. Halos bored na siya noon kakapaikot-ikot hanggang sa mapatambay siya sa London library. She discovered the ability to travel through books. Sa pagbabasa din niya nakilala sila Nello at Patrasche. Sa pagbabasa rin niya na-imagine ang hitsura ng Belgium. Sa internet na lang niya nalamang malapit ang Belgium sa London. So she spent her remaining money going there. Her parents did not cut-off her cards and allowances for a simple reason— gusto pa ng mga itong makauwi siya ng ligtas sa Pilipinas. So she did a shopping spree. And by October, she was already in Antwerp.

"Antwerp?" naulinigan ni Lily na bulalas ni Jared.

Naputol tuloy ang kanyang pagmumuni-muni. Pagbabalik-tanaw na inudyok ng naging pag-uusap nilang tatlo nila Beta at Nena sa kusina. Unti-unting humawi ang tabing, sumalubong ang nakakasilaw na liwanag. Then her eyes finally adjusted. From her past, she could already see what's in front of her at the moment.

Madilim na ang bagsak ng anino ng mga puno at halaman sa hardin ng mga Guillermo. May kung anong alinsangan sa hangin kahit malapit nang mag-Disyembre.

Okupado na nilang lahat ang rattan na mga kasangkapan, pinalilibutan ang mesa kung saan nagsiksikan ang mga bote ng alak, mangilan-ngilang baso ng orange juice at pitsel niyon. Kasama rin sa nakahain ang pulutang barbecue. Salad naman para kay Nena.

"Yes," pagdidiin ni Clint, maaliwalas ang mukha bago binalik ang tingin kay Beta. "You see, the best diamonds are available in Antwerp."

Bakit diyamante na ang pinag-uusapan ng mga ito?

Lily grew conscious. Mukhang wala sa mga ito ang nakahalata sa pagi-space out niya. She turned to Jared, who sat beside her. Sumisimsim na ito ng alak nang gumawi ang mga mata sa kanya. He was still drinking gently. The way his Adam's apple bobbed was so enticing. Then, his lips parted from the mouth of the beer bottle.

His moist lips... Lily suddenly felt the desire to suck them dry...

"Grabe naman, naghahanap lang ako ng magandang klase ng diamond para sa pag-produce ng sunod kong design. It's a jewelry set. I don't think it will be feasible for me to go all the way to Antwerp for good diamonds," ani Beta rito pero gumagala ang mga mata sa kanilang lahat. Then, she saved her last and sweetest smile for Walter.

Relaxed na nakasandal lang si Walter, pero ang kamay, mahigpit na nakabantay at nakalingkis sa bewang ni Beta.

"Well, I haven't thought of that. My apologies," ngisi ni Clint habang pumupunit ng karne mula sa barbecue na nasa pinggan nito. "Pagkabanggit mo kasi ng magandang diamond, naalala ko 'yong dala-dala rito noon ni Jared na diamond ring. He got it from one of those shops in Antwerp— the diamond capital of the world." Nasa himig ni Clint ang pagbibida sa Antwerp. "He bought a rough cut, then had it customized into this cocktail-like ring which— Binibili ko nga sa kanya pero ayaw niya kasi raw may pagbibigyan na siya—"

Clint stopped mid-sentence. As soon as he got himself a piece of barbecue, his eyes met Jared's warning ones, narrowing at the lawyer. That was enough to abruptly interrupt him. Dahil din doon kaya nagtatakang nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin ni Lily sa dalawang lalaki.

Clint could not help a nervous chuckle. "Well, scratch that." And he began speaking as if nothing awkward happened at all. Bumalik kina Beta ang mga mata nito. "Aanhin mo naman kung maganda ang diamonds sa Antwerp? I mean, you're right. Masyadong malaki ang gagastusin mo para doon. From the price of the diamond itself to shipping fees. At siyempre, hindi mawawala ang putragis na requirements at singil sa Customs—" he shrugged and ate his barbecue.

"Beta," lagpas ng tingin ni Jared kay Lily para silipin nito ang kanyang katabi. "Have you heard the news about this international jewelry brand? 'Yong laboratory-manufactured diamonds."

Natawa ang babae. "Don't tell me, you're suggesting na makipag-collaborate ako sa isang laboratory dito sa Pinas for that?"

"Mas magastos ba iyon?" kunot ng noo ng lalaki.

"Of course, magastos! Imagine, pati raw materials para doon po-problemahin ko pa!"

Napatitig lang si Lily kay Jared. She knew that he wasn't that stupid. Binanggit lang ng lalaki ang tungkol sa laboratory-manufactured diamonds para sumegway. Para hindi masyadong isipin nila Beta ang nakwento kanina ni Clint, ang tungkol sa diamond ring na inuwi ni Jared mula sa Antwerp.

He bought a rough cut, then had it customized into this cocktail-like ring which— Binibili ko nga sa kanya pero ayaw niya kasi raw may pagbibigyan na siya—

"Swear to god, Doc," naiiling na sandal ni Beta sa asawa nito. "I'd rather go all the way to Belgium than get a headache from working with laboratories. Wala akong alam sa mga ganyan-ganyan. I am not really the type of person who dives easily into things I have no knowledge about. Plus, I don't want to overcomplicate my business."

"But think about it," pahaba ni Jared sa usapan kaya tuluyan nang nabaon sa limot ng mga kasama nila ang nasabi kanina ni Clint, "mai-impress ang mga clients mo. Iisipin nila na pro-nature ka. Na against ka sa pagmimina ng mga diamond na nakakasira sa kalikasan."

"That's very tempting," ani Beta. "But this is business. It's not just about me and my image. We have to think wisely lalo na't may mga empleyadong nakadepende na rin sa'kin at sa negosyo ko."

Napailing na lang si Lily, napatitig sa hawak niyang bote na nakalambitin sa pagitan ng hiwalay niyang mga hita. Nakapatong lang ang siko niya na kakabit ng kamay na nakahawak sa bote sa kanyang hita.

"And besides, I've got Lily here," lingon sa kanya ni Beta. Napalingon tuloy siya sa katabi. Lumipat sa mga kasama nila ang tingin ni Beta. "I don't think you know yet, nakapunta na siya sa Belgium noon. Sa Antwerp din, right?" Beta turned to her and waited for her approval.

Natuyuan siya ng lalamunan bago umamin. "Yes. It was that one time... napapasyal ako sa... Antwerp."

Maingat niyang pinasadahan ng tingin sila Walter, Clint at Nena. Wala sa mga ito ang nakahalata kung gaano siya naiilang sa sitwasyon. At nang sumayad kay Jared ang kanyang tingin, hindi niya napigilan ang pagsilakbo ng tensyon. Napalagok tuloy siya ng alak nang wala sa oras.

"Now isn't that a coincidence?" ngiti ni Nena. "Nakapunta na si Jared sa Antwerp. Tapos, ikaw din, nakapunta na ng Antwerp. Maliit lang na lugar 'yon, 'di ba? Hindi man lang kayo nagkasalubong doon?"

Nasamid siya sa iniinom na alak. Napadura tuloy siya ng ininom sa sariling kandungan. Nagulat siya nang mapadura kaya wala sa loob na nabitawan na rin ang hawak na bote. The bottle landed on her lap and soaked her wet completely.

Walang ginawa si Jared. Hinayaan nitong siya na ang magpunas sa sarili. At sa kasamaang palad, sariling kamay lang ang napamunas ni Lily sa sarili. Si Beta na ang nakapag-abot sa kanya ng tissue.

"Thanks," Lily murmured with her head hung down, wiping her clothes.

"Are you already tipsy?" pagsasalubong ng mga kilay ni Clint sa kanya. "No wonder, kanina ka pa nananahimik."

Ang tanging ginawa ni Jared ay alalayan siya patayo mula sa upuan. Nagtatakang napatingin siya sa lalaki.

"You're drunk," he murmured, with eyes seemingly pleading her before he pulled her away. "Please, excuse us," sulyap nito sa mga kasama nila

"No, I'm not—"naputol ang sasabihin niya nang mailayo siya ni Jared sa mga upuan at mesa. Yumuko ito para buhatin siya na parang prinsesa. Malalaki ang mga hakbang na tinangay siya nito papasok ng bahay.