LILY TOOK HER FINAL SIP OF COFFEE. Sa sobrang sama ng loob, dumiretso siya sa café na malapit sa Variant. Taliwas sa karaniwan niyang ino-order na frappe ang ininom na mainit-init na mocha coffee. She left her cup on the table, dabbed her moist lips dry with a tissue paper. Sinukbit niya ang shoulder bag habang nagtutuyo ng mga labi. Nang mai-shoot ang ginusot na tissue paper sa nasaid nang cup, siyang vibrate ng kanyang cellphone. Kinuha niya iyon mula sa loob ng bag.

She immediately answered Beta's phone call.

Hi, Lily! Masigla nitong bati.

Hindi man lang siya nag-effort na itago sa boses ang kawalan sa mood.

"Beta."

You managed to answer my call this early. So, this means, wala ka masyadong ginagawa ngayon.

"What do you want?"

Can we meet after work?

After work? Kahit ngayon pa siya mismong yayain ni Beta magkita, okay na. Okay na dahil sobrang available na siya. Wala na siyang trabaho sa Variant. Mula sa naganap kanina, malinaw na sa kanyang awtomatikong sesante na siya. Imagine, taga-print at photocopy na nga lang siya ng HR Department, nasesante pa siya.

Am I really such a failure?

Napakurap siya, naistorbo sa pagmumuni-muni nang marinig ulit ang boses ni Beta .

Ano? Pwede ba? I'll clock out kung anong oras ka pwede.

Of course, her friend can do that. Ito kasi mismo ang boss sa sarili nitong kompanya.

Eh, siya?

Ah, paano nga ba sila naging mag-best friend nito? Saan ba sila compatible? Like any normal person, they both wanted honest relationships, honest friendships. Iyon lang ang common denominator nila ni Beta. Sa ibang mga bagay, ibang-iba na sila.

Beta is an overachiever, she got everything. She's a winner in life.

Eh, siya?

Ano ba ang nakita ni Beta sa kanya?

Honesty lang siguro.

No wonder Beta could not help being close with Nena.

Close to the point that she almost ignored her existence last weekend. Nung nagkita-kita sila sa bahay ng mga magulang nila Clint at Jared.

Are you okay? Kanina mo pa ako hindi sinasagot, Lily.

She took in a deep breath and left her seat. Lily's stride carried her confidently across the room until she reached the glass doors.

"I'm sorry, I am just wondering why we need to meet after work."

Just some girl talk, bonding. I miss having blueberry cheesecakes and a good beer. So, let's meet?

Lily narrowed her eyes. She pushed the glass door open and stepped out of the café. Sinalubong siya ng mainit-init na sinag ng araw. Saglit na naningkit ang kanyang mga mata para maka-adjust sa liwanag. It was already around nine or ten in the morning.

"Baka naman niyayaya mo lang ako kasi kasama si Nena. Are you trying na paglapitin kami—"

Natawa si Beta sa kabilang-linya. Pati ba naman sa mga kaibigan mo, selosa ka pa rin? Tayong dalawa lang ang magkikita mamaya, alright? I know, you feel so left out this weekend. Lagi akong tutok kay Nena. So, tonight, I want to have a good time with my best friend. So, tuloy ba tayo?

Napalabi siya. Napaisip saglit.

Walang-wala talaga siya sa mood mag-good time. Sobra-sobra pa rin ang inis na nararamdaman niya kina Basil at Jared. Sobra ang pagkapahiya dahil nakita siya ng mga katrabaho na kinokompronta ng kanyang kapatid.

But maybe she needed this. She needed a breathe of fresh air. She needed to do something to lift her spirits up.

"Pwede bang this weekend na lang? Sunday evening." sagot ni Lily dito. "I need some time alone."

Saglit na natahimik ang kaibigan sa kabilang-linya bago sumagot. This is one of those rarest moments when Beta's tone sounds so unsure.

I hope you'll remember that I'm always here. Kung may pinagdadaanan ka ngayon, please, just call. I'll meet you wherever you want to.

Her heart melted at that. Sapat kay Lily ang katibayan na hindi mawawala sa kanya si Beta tulad ng mga taong pinahalagahan niya noon.

"Salamat," walang-buhay ang kanyang ngiti.

Nang maibalik sa bag ang cellphone, muling sumalubong ang mainit-init na haplos ng liwanag ng araw sa kanyang mukha.

Lily decided to spent the whole morning sleeping.

After that thought, her steps became lighter. Bumalik siya sa parking lot katapat ng gusali ng Variant. Once she found her car, Lily drove back to her house.

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NASA OPISINA NA NI BASIL SI JARED. Namayani ang katahimikan doon dahil iniisa-isa ng Presidente ng Variant ang mga screenshots mula sa Facebook account noon ni Lily.

"Ito na lahat 'yon?"

"Yes," Jared nodded.

"Hindi ba siya nag-upload man lang ng pictures nung out of town trips niya? Pagkakatanda ko, may in-upload siyang ganoon. Mula Singapore hanggang Belgium..."

"I did not see those."

"Wala siyang in-upload? Hindi ba naka-private 'yong albums? She deleted them already?"

Jared did not reply. Basil took that as a yes. Lily's brother only shook his head in disappointment while checking at the screenshots on his desktop computer.

Pero ang totoo, nakita ni Jared ang tinutukoy ni Basil na mga litrato.

Nakita rin niya ang ilang mga litrato roon na magkasama sila ni Lily. May ilan pang stolen shots na siya ang nasa litrato.

Through his stirred feelings, Jared had to keep a straight face in front of Basil and during his work. Pero sa kanyang loob-loob, nag-aalala na siya para sa dalaga.

"Naniniwala ka bang si Lily talaga ang nag-post niyon?"

"Siyempre, hindi," buntong-hininga ni Basil. "Dinidiin ko lang siya para makampante 'yong totoong may kinalaman nito."

Kontrolado ni Jared ang reaksyon. Pero aminado siya sa sarili na nagulat sa narinig.

"All this time?"

"Madaling isipin na siya ang may kagagawan. In fact, she's one of the people I suspect," ani Basil, binabasa ang screenshot ng lumang posts ni Lily. "Pero dahil sa nangyari kanina, napansin kong parang may mali. Lily won't just open her old Facebook account, kung alam niyang mabubuko na siya 'yong Rebellacion Trinidad."

Jared thought that Basil had a point about that. He kept it to himself.

Basil continued, "Iyon ang kaduda-duda roon, eh. At madaling pagbintangan si Lily, kaya posibleng siya ang sineset-up ng sinumang nasa likod ng mapanirang post tungkol sa Variant." Minasahe nito ang kanang sentido, nakatukod sa desk ang kanang siko. "Alam ko, masakit sa kanya. But Lily has to leave Variant to get out of the picture."

"Is it really the right thing to do?"

Napatitig sa monitor si Basil, napaisip. "My sister is already used to failures. Kaya naniniwala akong kakayanin niya ang ginawa kong pamamahiya sa kanya kanina. Her face is as thick as her heart. As soon as I tell her why I did that, balewala na lang 'yon sa kanya."

Hindi na nagsalita pa si Jared. He decided to not give Basil a piece of his mind and just let him get busy.

"Pwede na ba akong bumalik sa HR Department?"

"You better," hindi nag-angat ng tingin si Basil. "Bantayan mo ang desk ni Lily. Pwede mo rin kausapin ang iba pang naroon. Baka may mapansin kang kakaiba sa behavior nila."

He gave Basil a nod and turned to leave.

Pagkalabas na pagkalabas ng pinto, kumalat ang determinasyon sa kanyang seryosong mukha.

I think I already have an idea who's behind this. He felt his cellphone in his pocket. But first, I have to talk to Lily.

.

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***

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SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGED. One of those is Lily finding comfort by being in a crowded place. She found herself in The Org on a Saturday night. People filled the place in their kinky outfits, maroon robes and nakedness. Whatever they desire to appear in this sex club. Umiikot ang mga staff para siguraduhing maayos ang experience sa club ng mga patron nito. Kahit saan siya tumingin, masyadong abala ang mga tao para punahin siya, ang kanyang suot o hitsura. Sapat nang walang nakakapansin sa kanya sa ngayon para mapanatag siya.

Because she's already jobless, Lily spent the week sorting her things in the house. Minsan, nakaupo siya sa bench katapat ng swimming pool niyon at nagko-compute ng monthly expenses. Mula sa nakuha sa mga computations na iyon, tiyak niyang mahihirapan siya sa mga bayarin.

Kaya ilang araw din siyang namoroblema kung anong klase ng trabaho ang a-apply-an. Kung anong trabaho ang may sapat na kita para mapunan ang kanyang mga gastusin sa buhay. She has to pay for the house. A big house (that Basil gave her years ago to ensure she works for Variant) has a pretty pricey tax to pay. Her car also has never-ending expenses to maintain. But considering her mediocre job at Variant, and having no other work experience but being a photocopier in the HR Department, she gave up that plan.

Pinasya na lang muna ni Lily na magkalkal ng mga lumang gamit sa bahay. Isa-isahin kung ano ang mga pwedeng ibenta.

The week had been quite stressful for her, sorting out her expensive bags and clothes. She cleaned them up, made sure they will look as good as new and stay in tip-top condition. Then she made profiles on online selling websites. Nakabenta siya kahit papaano. She had a few meet-ups, and accommodated some items for shipping. Humingi siya ng tulong kay Beta kaya kahit hindi niya gamit ang personal na social media accounts, nadagdagan pa rin ang benta.

She earned roughly ten thousand for the first week. Not bad. But considering that she only managed to sell five clothes and three bags, (and her lack for experience with online selling) Lily assumed it was a bad start.

Pinagbigyan niya ang sarili na gugulin ang weekend sa The Org.

Kasi kung ganitong wala na siyang trabaho, mas mabuti pang samantalahin niya habang valid pa ang one-year membership niya sa sex club. Dahil sa nalalapit na expiry niyon sa katapusan ng Disyembre, hindi na niya maa-afford pa ang magpa-renewal.

The main ballroom of the mansion and its walls were still washed all over in low-lit red tickled with blinking Christmas lights. Shadows of the guests moved and stretched here and there. Only the bar sparkled with gold lighting fixtures reflected by the bottles displayed on the shelf. Nakatayo sa harapan ni Lily ang topless na bartender. Poinsettia leaves scattered in the room— pasted on walls, hung overhead and tied on the chandeliers. Green garlands wrapped on the handrails of the winding stairs and crept along the sides of the bar and its shelves.

Sa set-up ng The Org lang muli naalala ni Lily na Disyembre na pala.

For the evening, she wore an electric blue lingerie set with straps underneath The Org's maroon signature satin robe. Her blonde-dyed hair almost absorbed the golden hue from the bar's lighting.

Nilapag ng bartender sa kanyang harap ang isang transparent tall glass. The clear, white soda's bubble and fizz swam up to the rim of the glass. Strawberries were frozen inside ice balls atop one another inside the glass. For a finishing touch, the bartender delicately placed a sliced strawberry on the rim of the glass for decoration.

"Enjoy your drink, Ma'am," magalang na ngiti ng gwapong bartender na may pulang bow tie sa leeg nito.

Lily granted him an underlook with her one-cornered smirk. Nilapit niya sa sarili ang baso, sinipat ng mga mata bago inangat iyon para sumimsim ng kaunti. The kick of soda and cool refreshment from the mixed mint leaf jolt her senses awake. Lily smacked her red lips, allowing the sweetness to spread all over her palate. She nod her head and eyed on the drink again.

This is good.

"How's the taste?" a man seated beside her in front of that bar counter.

Wala sa paligid ang awareness niya kundi sa iniinom. Kaya wala sa loob na sinagot ito ni Lily.

"It's really good," she took another sip.

"How about you? I wonder if you'll taste real good tonight."

Buti nalunok na ni Lily ang ininom. Kung hindi, baka naibuga niya iyon. Napalingon siya sa lalaki. Nagsalubong ang mga kilay nang makilalang si Jared iyon.

He appeared in The Org wearing a maroon satin robe as well.

"Wanna taste me? Baka ikamatay mo." Mataray niya itong iningusan. "Hindi ba, ikamamatay mong mawala ang trabaho mo? That's why you did not even defend me!"

"Ikamamatay ko ba ang sarap? Gan'on ka na ba talaga kagaling?"

Why was he not focusing on how much hurt he gave her? Nasasaktan siya dahil hindi man lang siya pinagtanggol ng binata kina Basil! At sobrang nakakadismaya dahil hindi ito nakikinig sa hinaing niya. Binabalewala iyon ng lalaki. Sinesentro ng Jared na ito ang usapan sa sex.

Dahil ba nasa The Org sila? Dahil ba wala sila sa Variant kaya umiiwas ito sa usapin tungkol sa trabaho? Does he really have to departmentalize that hard? What happened to what Jared kept saying to her? That with her, he's not a psychologist but Jared?

Binalik niya ang focus sa agenda. She went to The Org for a downtime, not to stress herself over this man.

"Can you please, just leave? My target for tonight are younger men," she scoffed.

"I see. But you know how I do it, Lily Celeste Marlon. I hit every spot so right. Guaranteed."

Bwisit na lalaki. So convincing.

"But you're already too old," Lily looked away. Or else, Jared's stare into her eyes would make her completely give in.

"Old enough to break your back and make your eyes roll."

"Mayabang," dampot niya sa baso sabay tayo para iwanan sana ito.

He immediately left his seat.

"Mapangmaliit." Jared muttered as he aggressively grabs her by the hair, pulled her close to make their bodies collide. "Can't handle me, eh?" he sneered as their faces drew closer. The closeness was all this man's fault. His tone and eyes served challenge. "Since you're having a hard time dominating me, how about I dominate you instead?"

Walang pagdadalawang-isip na sinaboy niya ang laman ng hawak na baso sa lalaki. Huli na nang mapansing natamaan si Jared sa mukha ng isa sa mga ice balls ng sinaboy niyang inumin. Dahil doon, napailing ang lalaki. She heard his sharp hiss in pain, yet his clutch on her hair tightened. Umatras siya sa pag-aakalang mapapabitaw ito pero nasinghap dahil hindi pa pala.

Hindi pa siya nakakahuma sa pagkagulat nang makabawi ang binata sa ginawa niya. He released her hair, grabbed away her glass and put it back on the bar counter. Ganoon kabilis din nitong nahablot siyang muli sa pulsuhan at kulang na lang ay kaladkarin para sumunod sa kanya.

"You're not answering any of my calls this week. I am done being nice, Lily," he snapped, facing forward.

"Being nice? You're the most cruel man who walked on earth! Using kindness for your ulterior motives! You only play nice to get the results you want! You just want to do well with your job at the expense of my heart!" hasik niya rito, nagpupumilit kumawala sa higpit ng pagkakahawak nito sa kanya.

"How come your heart is involved in here?"

He was right. How come. He only went to Variant to do his job.

Her only purpose to him is his stress reliever.

Siya itong gustong-gustong masolo ang lalaki— atensyon at katawan nito— kaya nilatag niya lahat ng maiaalok mapapayag lang ito. It was her who placed them in this set-up.

Tila binuhusan siya ng malamig na tubig sa reyalisasyon.

Lahat ng tao sa kanyang paligid ay tama pala.

Siya at siya lang ang gumagawa ng sarili niyang mga problema. They have every right to tell her that she allowed every bad thing that's happening to her to manifest, whether she like it or not. It's because they are consequences of her own decisions, of her own doing.

Napakahirap tanggapin. Hindi siya ang dapat na sinisisi rito. Siya ang nasaktan. Siya ang nagdurusa. Bakit siya pa rin ang may kasalanan ng lahat ng pinagdadaanan niya?

Bakit walang ibang masisi ngayon si Lily kundi ang kanyang sarili?

It's so unbearable, the weight was pulling her away, telling her to dash for the door.

To leave, to escape.

Gusto niyang tumakas na naman, magpakalayo-layo. Kahit masakit ang katotohanang hindi siya makakalayo kailanman sa taong may pakana ng lahat ng kanyang pagdurusa.

Ang taong iyon ay siya mismo.

Lily didn't know if its his wrist that ached or her heart. Mas binigyang puwersa niya ang pagpupumiglas sa pagkakahawak sa kanya ni Jared. "Pwede ba? You're forcing me! This is not how you're supposed to act!"

He spun to face her, pulling her close to him in the process. Nang mapatingala siya, nagtama ang kanilang mga mata.

"How am I supposed to act then? When you drive me crazy the whole week worrying and waiting for you to call me back?" he muttered low with this strong, penetrating gaze from his eyes.