Tuesday night, she stood outside of Sam's dorm, and pulled out her phone. She tapped his name, and typed: I'm here. 

Ok, he said, I'll come down. 

She stood in the cold dark air, and waited. When the door opened, she looked into his face, and thought that he really was cute - and it was like she was just noticing it. He had a skinny, spindly body, but his face was fucking cute. And a guy that cute liked her. 

"Hey, come in," he said, and held open the door. 

She stepped into a huge empty lobby, and they went to the elevator. When they became closed into the mirrored space, Alyssa asked, "Well, how are you doing?"

"I don't know," he said, and stood with his hands in his pockets. "I'm just trying to process the whole thing."

The elevator doors split apart, and they stepped into a hall. It was kind of late, and everything was quiet. She followed Sam down to his room, and he opened the door and led the way in. 

His living space was just big enough for a bed, and there was a closet and an open bathroom door. He sat on the mattress and leaned back to the wall, and Alyssa set down her purse and sat beside him. 

"They're selling the house," he said. "The house I grew up in. My parents are going to sell it."

"Yeah," Alyssa said. "That's sad." Then she went on: "I moved to a different house when I was fourteen. It was almost like losing a friend. Like losing a friend I'd grown up with."

"Yeah."

He was looking straight ahead, looking at the wall, and she took his hand, and wove his fingers into hers. 

"Sometimes I feel like I just blame my mom for the whole thing," Sam said. "And sometimes I blame my dad."

"Mm-hmm.... Well, you know, your feelings are never wrong. I heard a therapist say that on YouTube one time. That you don't have to feel guilty about your feelings. You might have to feel guilty about your words or actions sometimes, but feelings aren't morally wrong." 

"Yeah," he said. "I guess not." 

He shifted his position, and cupped her face into his hand. They looked into each other's eyes, he leaned down, and they kissed. When it ended she grabbed his shoulder, and they kissed again. And again, and again. She leaned back, and sank into the bed, and Sam lay on top of her.

All she could think was that she wanted him - her body was aching for his. And the way he was moving told her that he wanted her too. And then he stopped, and said, "I could go get some condoms.... Do you want to do it?"

Yes, yes, oh god yes, more than she'd ever wanted it in her life... but she couldn't. It might hurt, she might bleed all over the place; he might just be able to tell. And then he'd know that she was a goddamn liar. So she sighed. "No, not tonight," she said. "Just not tonight." 

"Okay," Sam said, and rolled off of her, onto his back. They held hands, and Alyssa looked at the ceiling.