2007

Seoul

Eomma was my role model and favourite parent. Until that fateful day we went to the supermarket after school.

Everything was going fine until she picked up two spatchcocks. Once the chickens were in the trolley, my mother seemed to have a headache of some sort. It was only when I held out a bunch of bok choy that she seemed okay again. Thinking nothing of it, we went home.

A few days later, Appa, my siblings and I were talking about school and work, when Eomma suddenly blocked her ears and yelled out in pain. She yelled at us to stop screaming but I did not understand- we were speaking in our normal tones.

Soon after, Eomma took me to the local restaurant for lunch. When she went to the front desk to pay, she couldn't find her wallet. Frustrated, Eomma emptied her bag on the counter- purple eye shadow, cell phone, and everything other than what we really needed, money.

I had to recite Appa's phone number as she had seemed to have forgotten it. The minutes that passed by felt more like an eternity. He quickly paid the bill before they argued outside. As if I hadn't been embarrassed enough inside, I stormed off furiously.

I was punished for this rash behaviour a few days later. After an exhausting day at school, I came home to find my TVXQ posters on the floor, in shreds. When Eomma had mentioned how she didn't like that I was looking at all the exposed skin, I had thought nothing of it- I liked their music.

The straw that broke the camel's back was her "unprovoked attack on me", as Appa said. I was walking to my room when I saw Eomma and smiled. She grabbed my hair and started hitting me. Luckily, he saw it and separated us.

When I came home from school the next day, Eomma saw the bruises on my face and asked if I was being bullied. I looked into her eyes and only saw real concern for me- she did not remember what had happened last night.

"I am truly sorry for everything I have done to you," Eomma said.

"I forgive you," tears were in my eyes. It was not her fault that she developed her mental illness so suddenly.

"Promise to always love me," Eomma held out her hand and we made a pinky promise.

"She left these for us before the hospice picked her up," Appa pointed to the scarves and video cassette on the lounge table. His was olive green with white yarn weaving inbetween, while mine was white with a neon pink pattern. We held hands as we watched her final speech to us. My eonnie and oppa hadn't received one- maybe there was not enough time to knit for them.

Appa and I wore those scarves when we all visited Eomma at the hospice. She held onto a carrot plushie as she sat in her chair. The nurse apologised that we had driven so far only to have Eomma in a state where she wasn't lucid. I still remember that brisk autumn morning under the larch tree, the last time we ever saw her. Eomma was never in a sound state of mind after that visit.

(A/N: This was based on a YouTube video of Eunha acting when she was a child in a 2000s K-drama called The Clinic for Married Couples. There weren't any English subtitles so I made up a story as close as to that depicted in the video.)

(Post-A/N: I really thought Eunha would return to acting but I'm glad to see that she is forming a new group with Umji and SinB).