I swallowed, snuck through the dim halls of the Cave--darkened even further by my sunglasses-- and paused a few doors down from Kaldur's. Calvin leaned against the walls. His eyes were closed, the only thing keeping him from noticing me, and a small smile rested on his lips. A small sliver of light seeped out of Kaldur's room accompanied by Dinah's voice. Too soft for me to make out, but clear enough to know it wasn't anything serious. 

She'd have closed the door completely. 

I opened Connor's door and slipped inside, leaving the door open a sliver, just enough to see out. Breathing soft, even, and silent, I waited. Patience bears rewards, I could hear Alfred in the back of my mind.  And so I waited. It was like waiting to bust a drug ring, except the stakes were lower and I hopefully wouldn't get killed. Given the luck the Team has had, I wouldn't put it past the universe to cause all the adults here to get possessed. When a shadow passed the door, I waited for the footsteps to fade away before slipping out. 

No one stood within my sight, and no one grabbed or yelled at me as I edged along the wall. Kaldur's door was still open, so hopefully I could--

"Kaldur," said Calvin from within the room. I pushed myself against the wall and peered around the doorframe. Kaldur blinked up at his dad with tired eyes. The way he sat was just so, the way he always did when he'd stayed up late working on reports. Calvin sighed and hugged him. "My little one."

It didn't feel right to intrude on the moment. Not when Kaldur hadn't had any private moments like this in a long time. The way he looked in that room, even in the memory Megan accidentally shared...Bile rose in my throat, my hands clenched, and I frantically blinked away the image. No, he wouldn't have had anything as nice there, and even now he's been isolated. I knew there were reasons. I knew it was because they didn't want us to accidentally cause a flashback or because they thought he'd do better while worrying about less people seeing him. I knew I knew I knew, and yet I hated it. He shouldn't be alone. The Team is just as much his friends as Tula and Garth and all the others. We're the ones who have spent the most time around him recently, so why should we be the ones not allowed to see him?

The longer I stood there, the harder the cold wall seemed to get. The Cave always started to get colder, colder than a sub-mountain base usually was anyway, around this time of year, something Barry always brought up when he visited the Manor. Always 'so glad we're in the Watchtower now' and 'you're willing to heat the entire manor, but not to put better heating in the base half of us lived in?' I should've known to bring a thicker jacket. 

Time passed, Calvin walked out without noticing me-- or at least he didn't acknowledge me, rude-- and I slipped inside as the door closed. 

"Kaldur?" I said. He jolted, head whipping up to stare at me. Fear sparkled in his eyes, only to extinguish. My body didn't move. Limbs heavy and feet glued to the floor, I was a statue. I...I didn't know what to expect. It was a rare occurrence for me. But they've been keeping us away and Bruce's lips were sealed. I'd only caught a glimpse of him on the few occasions I needed to grab something I 'forgot' at the Cave. 

Kaldur got onto his feet, walked over, and swept me into a hug. Warmth radiated from him. I wrapped my arms around his torso in return. Smushing my face against his chest, I couldn't help but breathe in the soft ocean scent that followed him around. He pressed his head against mine. Sharp points of pressure against my arms were the only warning I received before he pulled me even tighter. Kaldur released an arm, only to run his fingers through my hair. I sniffled. 

"Sh. You are okay, my friend. Ah, do you wish to sit?" He pulled away for a brief moment. He tightened his grip again when I refused to keep the space. I needed to hug him. Anything else wasn't enough. There weren't many ways to make sure he was really real, touch was one I could do. If I had to cling to him like a koala, than so be it. I didn't want him to vanish right in front of me. Kaldur sighed, sat, and pulled me next to him. 

"I missed you."

"I missed you as well," said Kaldur, returning his hand to my hair. I peered up at him. Hair pulled back in a small ponytail and neck wrapped in bandages, he looked better. An ache shot through my chest at that thought. After all, anything would look better than how we found him. "How are the others?"

"Good. Megan's staying with her uncle, and Connor's been staying with Wally again. Artemis is whelmed, school's been keeping her busy. She's actually debating joining the archery club for a little bit. We haven't had missions since...uh, how are you doing?"

With a soft sigh, he tilted his head back. The overhead lighting painted across his skin, deepening shadows as it went. "As good as one can given the circumstances." He looked at me. "You will do well, Robin. I know you will, trust in that."

"Thanks?" I had no idea what he was talking about. His next words didn't make things much clearer. 

"I was twelve when I began my military service, and I did not plan on letting you carry this much weight until you were older."

"Kaldur, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Robin."  The scolding came on instinct. His lips upturned in a smile. "Robin," he repeated, softer this time. "I cannot-- I can't. I can't lead the team." His smile vanished as his voice broke. There was more he said, syllables and words I couldn't understand.

I frowned and curled into his side. Kaldur's words cut off, and he stared down at me. A huff escaped my lips. "You're still the leader to us. Doesn't matter to us what happened." None of use cared so long as he was fine. "We went to rescue you. We fought to go get you back, and we're not letting you go. I will find a way to blackmail you if I have to, but you're not resigning, Kaldur. We need you."

"Percy probably has a fair amount that she would be willing to give you." His voice was soft, regretful. I could feel the way his gaze continued to linger. "Robin. Richard."

Panic jolted me away from him. I stared up at him with wild eyes. "How do--"

"You are not the only one capable of piecing together information, my friend." He nudged my sunglasses up to rest on my head. He chuckled, though it quickly died off. "I will probably take my own life by the month's end."

For a moment, I thought I hadn't heard him right. My ears had to be playing tricks on me. But when they rung, continued to echo and bounce those words around, I couldn't even swallow. I choked in a breath. Big, wet tears rolled down my face. No. He- He couldn't. Kaldur carded a gentle hand through my hair, even as I sat in silence. His touch was nice, distracting even, but I just kept...staring at him. 

"Why?" I asked, voice breathy.

"The why is not important." He looked away. It had to be to avoid my eyes, there wasn't anything interesting on the blank wall. "I simply thought it--" he paused. "--best to tell you. You are young, and you have seen far too much death already. I do not want you to be caught off guard by mine."

"Then why do it at all? If- If you don't want to add to this, then why would you even-- Why?" 

His hand in my hair never stopped the soothing motions, whether for his benefit or mine I couldn't tell. Kaldur looked at his lap. I wiped my eyes. My tears continued to fall, slipping down my face so, so similar to when I was younger. Was it selfish of me to use this? To question why he wouldn't keep going for me? Yeah, it probably was, but-- I couldn't. I couldn't accept that. 

"I tortured my sister," whispered Kaldur. "I had no choice, not in a way which mattered. Protecting her, no matter what that might've entailed, meant I had to make the choices I did, even as dark and twisted as they may seem. I- I do not want her to be hurt. She is still my little sister, as loathe as she may be to admit it. And you, you are as close to a younger brother as I have had."

I didn't hesitate. I tackled him in a hug, arms wrapped tight and face pressed against him. Sobbing and crying like a five year old, I tugged at his shirt as snot ran down my face. Kaldur held me close and hushed me, whispering reassurances that I would do well. That's not what I wanted. It wasn't anything like what I wanted. 

Whether I would do well as leader or not, none of that mattered if he wouldn't be around to see me do it. None of it mattered if I got the position because he died. 

Eventually, once I'd calmed down, and Kaldur'd smiled at me like he hadn't just said he was suicidal--or was he smiling because he'd finally put it to air--he'd said he wanted to get some rest, that Calvin wanted him to. 'They worry about me, although they should not.'

I'd left and it hadn't taken more than a minute once I was home in my room to pull out my phone. "Dinah?"

Hello!

School starts next week for me, so please enjoy this chapter as I stay up past midnight to enjoy my few days left free of suffering

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