I laid there, against Canary, staring blankly at the wall. Vaguely, I could feel her hand brushing my head. It sent warmth surging through me, and I leaned into it. I could barely stop the noises wanting to leave my throat, whines so pitiful they could only serve to make things worse. My breath hitched as she tugged me closer to her side. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. 

I don't- I do not deserve this. None of this. Not a bit of it was earned, not a bit was warranted. And yet I did not move away. I laid there, tucked against Canary and let her do this. Why? Why was I letting myself be comforted? 

Pull away. Pull away and press into the corner. You do not deserve comfort. You do not deserve to indulge yourself with this when you have caused so much harm. 

The voices were there, but I could not listen. At once, I wanted to and I did not. I was locked in place, between two sides. One said I should allow this, the other said I was only adding to my sins. And I did not know which was the angel and which was the devil. 

"--in here?" asked Canary. I blinked up at her. Blue eyes glanced down at my confused expression. She sighed, and I bit on my cheek. Stop making her worry. "Why did you lock yourself in here?" Soft concern filled her voice. It hurt. So did the way her fingers never stopped. Over and over she ran them through my tangled hair, only pausing to work out knots. It would be better if she did. Manipulate me, use it as a way to get information. Make it so it wasn't her being so sickenly nice to me. 

And it would not be as if she was the only one to use such techniques. Those greater than her have done it.  Poseidon did it. 

Fingers tapped, a silent request for me to answer. Still chewing on my cheek, I could taste copper. "I-" I paused. "I do not know." A lie. I knew it, and she did. She had to. I shuddered as nails pulled against my scalp. A whine slipped through. I wanted to hug her again, but I would not. I could not. I sniffled and wiped my eyes. I should not be crying. Nor should my hands be shaking from this. The only reason they should be shaking is one everyone seemed desperate to keep out of my grasp. 

"I-" For a moment, I believed she would push it. Call me on the blatant falsehood, or push me away for the same reason. "Did something trigger another flashback?"

I huffed a breath and turned into her side. Her warmth pushed against the anxiety. It wasn't enough to fully calm my heart, or to banish the internal voices from my head. They lurked, waiting and circling like sharks. 

"Is that a yes or--" said Canary. I shook my head. "That's okay."

"It is not."

"Yes. Yes, it is." 

Again I shook my head. She does not understand. It was so dumb. Nothing caused it. Nothing around me made me fear for my life. And yet I felt a hand around my throat, choking off my air. It lingered still, a heavy pressure poised to strike at any moment. I swallowed, shoulders shaking. 

Do not think about it. 

I sniffed and rubbed my eyes. My hands curled. I wanted that pain. The sharp burning pain that soothed everything, that swept everything beneath it. I needed it. Nails pressing into my palms, it was not enough. This was not right. It did not compare to the linger ache from my earlier assault. And it did not do what I wanted it to. Maybe-- Maybe I could risk more. 

Dragging my nails hard against my arm, I could not stop the wave of guilt. This is not something I should do in front of Canary. Do it at night when no one is watching me. Pull at the skin on my arms until it is raw. I choked out a sob. Mother knew. 

The bangle was warm against my wrist, and if I pulled back my sleeve, I would see its glow. With any luck-- Maybe they would all stop caring. 

"Hey, no. Stay with me, little bird." The hand slipped from my hair. A choked whine slipped past my lips. Canary's hands wrapped mine. My arms shook with each of my frantic attempts to pull away. "Five things you see?"

I shook my head. The only thing that would release, whimpers and sobs. No words would come out, so how could I do what she wanted? I hiccuped and curled in on myself, trying to pull my arms tight against my stomach.

"Kaldur," she mumbled. "Five things, okay?"

The words were lost on me. She did not care. The same as everyone else. No matter how hard she tries, she will never be different than the others. Her hand slipped over my back, and I was all too prepared to feel a knife piercing it. My king had done it, been the one to strike me down, so why would- 

I needed up.

I tried to stand, but my body refused, keeping me locked in place beside Canary. I stared at the floor. Her words began to blend together. Fog layered over me. Everything I felt was muffled, and all it caused was me driving hands further against my gut. Sharp knuckles dug into skin and muscle.

Arms, warm arms, wrapped around me,  pulling me close. My head nestled in the crook of Canary's neck, blonde hair brushing my face. Again, I whined and a hiccup followed. One of her hands buried itself in my hair, while the other rubbed against my back. No matter how long I continued to sob and cry, and even when there were no more tears to fall, she still held me. 

"Little bird," she said. I slung my arms around her again, refusing to acknowledge the warmth the nickname sent through me. It urged me to listen to her, but I could not. She did not deserve my burden. I did not deserve having her worry over me. "Have you eaten?" My stomach grumbled, belying any denial I might make. "I brought you some pancakes."

"Not hungry."

She hummed and dragged her nails over my scalp. "At least take a few bites."

Hesitantly, I pulled away. One of her arms stayed draped around my shoulders as her other hand pulled out a bag steaming with condensation. She plopped the plastic in my lap and watched me with concerned eyes until I drew a pancake out and took a bite. My arms still burned, thousands of bugs were crawling over them begging me to scratch, but my hands were occupied. The warmth of the food, and the rich smell, drew me back. 

As I slowly chewed a bite, I let my gaze sweep over my room. So many things had been removed. No medications, no sharp objects, even my blankets had been taken. I reached a hand up and ran it through my hair. They would try to cut it. That thought sent a wave of something through me. A deep pang in my heart. I wanted to keep my hair like this. 

I used one hand to tighten the jacket, one Canary had worn often enough to smell like her, around me. While not my weighted blanket, it was better than nothing. It calmed me, chased away the thoughts constantly lurking. 

It made me feel safe. 

And that's what clued me in that this was not real. 

She would not do this if it were. And if-- If this is not real, then every moment I spend locked in here is another moment I am not in charge of Percy. Fuck. My hand curled into a fist. I need out. I wanted out. Because even, even on the off chance that this is real, everyone hates me. Mother, Father, Percy, my king. All of them have to hate me. After everything I've done. I choked back a whine. 

I need Canary to think I am okay. It will be my only chance. 

"You know I have to tell your mother about this," said Canary with regret clear in her voice. She tugged at her sleeve. "Normally, I wouldn't, but since this--" she spread his hands out "--is a contributing factor, I feel like I have to. I just want you to know that ahead of time."

"It will only make things worse." 

"You don't know that."

I shook my head. "I know my mother. She is a good parent, but the actions she would- she would take...Does it not follow that-" I grimaced as I tried to force out the words "That a false version of her would try to prove this is reality?" 

"And so would the real one." 

Sighing, I shook my head. She does not understand. "I will trust you." And I would, if only because she hadn't yet tried to spin this on me. No knife had been driven between my ribs, and no attempts to goad me into my death. The worry would be there, but if those events did come to pass, well, I would know what to watch for next time. I looked at her, watching her face and expression for the twisted malice that could appear. Tensed, I readied myself for an attack. None came. 

"Thank you." Soft lips pressed against my forehead. Before I had a chance to relish in the affection, so much affection from her, affection I did not deserve, she stiffened and pulled away.  "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have--" She stopped. The mattress bobbed under me as I failed to contain my emotions. I was bouncing ever so slightly, a smile on my face.

My instincts sung, and I could not push them away as I did my thoughts. I bumped my head against her shoulder, smile never once falling. So much had piled on from her in such a small amount of time, and this only pushed it over the edge.

"Kaldur?" she asked, brows drawn together.

"It is fine." I chirped. 

"You kinda just did a one-eighty. Are you-- Are you okay?"

I shook my hands, trying to work the energy out. It would not work. It never worked, but it was never more important than it was with Earthers. "I am fine. The affection simply surprised me." The other reason would never meet air. "Such things are normal in Atlantis."

Canary offered me a wavering smile, obviously not taking my words as truth. She patted my shoulder and stood. "I'm going to talk to your mother. Ah, do you want to see her?" 

"No." Not with this weighing heavily on my mind. How could I be expected to face her while the warm energy still thrummed through me? When I had betrayed her in two separate but damning ways? The door didn't seal shut behind Canary, and I stared at the cool metal. I should close it. 

I didn't.

"Fucking hell," said Canary, words mumbled but still understandable. "He- He's having trouble telling reality from fantasy. Apparently, they- they had someone who trapped him in a dream state, which makes sense why he didn't react until Megan made it seem like she had a hand in rescuing him. They'd been through stuff like this before, but that-- That exercise ended badly. And it was a one time thing, minus the time Klarion locked the entire Team in one. But-"

"What would the dream state entail?" 

"I'm assuming his rescue and events after that. From what he said, killing himself--"

I tuned out the rest of the conversation, falling back on my bed. My hand pressed hard against my eyes. My throat constricted. All the happiness had vanished. Gone, and replaced with the same feeling from before. I curled my fingers around the bracelet, and I pulled. Just as every time before, the metal dug into my wrist and glowed with a blue light. I sighed.

Even without listening to the words, I could get the tone, and the sadness and fear pressed like stones on my chest. She would curse me or cry or both, I knew, Mother had no reason not to. I trusted Canary over her, allowed the greatest act of trust to an Earther over my friends and family. But it is not as if that trust holds. After all, Canary told me herself through that simple action. I should not trust her. 

Hi, welcome to the edited version, my animals probably want fed

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