A soft sigh pulled through my lips. The palms of my hands pressed hard into my eyes, leaving dazzling mosaics of colors dancing against my eyelids. I dropped my hands, blinking and squinting as my vision returned to normal, greeted with the light streaming onto the floor through the small gap between the curtains. Fixing the cloth with a glare, I made a reminder to get new ones. Blackout ones maybe. 

Ollie groaned, and so did the bed as he rolled. One arm snaked around my waist in an attempt to pull me back down. As much as his measured breathing and closed eyes were working in his favor, he wasn't fooling me. He was awake. The way he effortlessly wrapped his arm around me only proved it. And so did the creak of the boxspring and the shifting of the mattress as he sat up. Warm arms draped my shoulders.

"You okay?" he asked. "I know you had a rough night."

"Kinda understating it." I leaned back against him. His arms, warm, warm arms, moved. No longer draping my shoulders like a shawl, they pulled me close to his chest. The soft mumble I made went ignored, as did the way I tilted my head back so I could press against his jaw. "And no, I don't want to talk about it."

"Aren't you the-"

"Don't."

He exhaled. The arms around me dropped, looping around my waist. Warmth swelled in my chest as he pulled me closer. I was situated between his legs, back to his chest. His hands rested over mine. "I'm worried about you," he said. "Take the day off. Please. Go back to bed, and I'll make you some waffles.  Or even birdseed if you want to eat that again."

"I was drunk." It was hard to not let my want seep into my voice. "We were playing truth or dare, and we made Bruce eat bugs." Oh it was so, so hard. Why was it this hard? I wanted to curl against him. I wanted to curl up under the covers and let him handle things. If I asked him, I knew he'd take the day off. Roy would be more than happy to go cover for us, and I would be able to lie in bed wrapped in Ollie's arms and cry.

But that's not what I wanted, what I needed probably, but not what I wanted. I wanted Roy to curl up in here with us. I wanted a movie to be playing and for everyone to be safe. Ollie kissed my temple, no doubt taking my silence for acceptance. 

Too bad I couldn't agree to this.

"I promised Roy I'd make him pancakes," I said. It was a fight to pull out of the hug, against both myself and Ollie. Coldness seeped into my bones in the brief moment it took to slide my feet into my slippers and throw on my robe. I knotted the belt and trudged out into the hallway. I couldn't just forget about this, I couldn't put it out of my mind. It would eat away at me until I talked to him, and I really couldn't afford that. Not now. Not with everything with Kaldur. 

The short walk to Roy's room felt far longer than it should. I was walking in place, never seeming to grow any closer to the plain door. Hesitance slowed my steps, iron chains around my ankles and tied to weights. When I finally reached his door, I nearly turned away. He could have been sleeping, hungover, out doing an early patrol, or just getting home from one. My feet were rooted in place, and I couldn't tell if that was a good or bad thing. Giving in, I lifted a hand and rapped my knuckles against the hardwood of his door.

The door swung open, much faster than I expected, and I was face to face with Roy. A yawn split his face. He lurched forward, wrapping me in a hug. I placed a hand on the back of his head, fingers edging into the soft, tangled red hair. 

"What's this for?" I asked.

"Chocolate chip pancakes."

"Maybe." I pressed my head against his. "You know we need to talk about last night." 

"We really don't."

"Yes-"

"Just leave it alone, Dinah," he mumbled. "Please, just leave it alone." His hands clenched, nails biting into my skin. 

"Is it because you aren't doing drugs anymore?" I wasn't accusing him, it was a question. But it was one I shouldn't have asked. Not with how he tensed up. Not with how he went quiet. "Roy?" I tapped my fingers against his back. The pads of my fingers hit cloth, and I looked down. I sighed. A bandage, half soaked through with blood laid pressed against his skin, held in place by haphazard taping. "Sit down." I guided him towards his bed. As soon as his butt hit the mattress, I was moving. In his bathroom, ignoring the blood stains on the sink, I pulled open the medicine cabinet. Empty shelf after empty shelf stared at me. Two pills in a small Ziploc bag sat on the top shelf, untouched and covered in a thin layer of dust. I pulled out a dressing, Neosporin, and the medical tape beside it.

When I reentered, Roy hadn't moved. He didn't move when I climbed onto his bed or settled behind him. All I could make out of his reaction was him twisting his hands in the cotton of his sweats. 

"When did this happen?" I asked. My nails picked at the edge of the tape, pulling it up. I worked off of muscle memory. Blood caked the edges of the wound. Roy winced but didn't say anything, didn't make a noise. The silence continued even when I left to get a rag and even as I cleaned the injury. Concern welled in my chest with each minute that passed. "Patrol?"

"I don't know. Probably?" Roy finally spoke. He ran a hand through his hair. " I didn't notice I was bleeding until I got home, and I didn't want to wake anyone up, so I just patched myself up." He gestured with one hand. "And then I grabbed some beers. Wanted to forget how much of a fuck-up I am."

My eyes widened. I stared down at him, hands hovering, not knowing what to do. Eventually, I settled for moving beside him. "Roy, why would you think that?"

"Don't try to pretend it isn't true." The edge in his voice sent me reeling. " I'm only here because Oliver needed someone good with a bow. I just happened to fit the bill and was up for grabs."

"And Robin is a good acrobat and was orphaned, so do you think-"

"That's different!"

"How?"

"Robin hasn't done drugs. He hasn't thrown a temper tantrum and went solo. I'm the exact definition of a fuck up," said Roy. His face was starting to turn red. "He's even replaced me with Artemis."

I swallowed. I stood and pressed my hands on his shoulders. He froze and stared up at me. "Him giving her a cover is not the same as replacing you, Roy."

"It sure as hell feels like it. If it's just a cover, then why does he take her one patrol with him? She lives on the other side of the country, it's not that hard for me to figure out I'm not an idiot, so that means she's over here from twelve to six. Nine to three isn't bad when it's in your actual time zone. And then you've been going to the Cave so much more, and my clearance there has been revoked. Do you guys not trust me to keep doing this or something? I mean, the only reason I'm here to begin with is because I was a sidekick." 

"Roy--" I took a deep breath. "--I love you, and Ollie loves you, but we can't, and I mean we really can't have you at the Cave right now." I was starting to tremble. I needed to wrap things up and escape. Drink tea and gather up things and head to the Cave. "You have a habit of blurting out things you shouldn't, and we can't run that risk right now. Things are so, so bad. It's a mess, and- Once things get better, you'll get your clearance back." Roy leaned towards me. I brushed my fingers through his hair, holding him close. Tension left my shoulders. "Just cut back on the drinking, okay? Even if you're not mine by blood, you're my baby. We don't want you to get hurt, to die. I love you, and I don't want to bury you. " 

I didn't want to worry about him too.

"Okay. But I better be getting chocolate chip pancakes."

"Who said bribing your child isn't a good idea." I mumbled, running my fingers through his hair. My gaze flickered around the room. Nothing was out of the ordinary. No hitmen hiding in the corners or behind the curtains. "Put a shirt on. I'm going to get started on breakfast." I kissed the top of his head, earning a shocked noise in response, before leaving. I meandered down to the kitchen. Changing could wait; my pajamas were comfy.

Ollie sat at the kitchen table, pencil between his teeth as he stared at the crossword puzzle. I didn't bother looking at it. I would occasionally know an answer, but more often than not the clues would be so vague I could fit three words in one spot. The sound of the pencil scratching against paper and of Ollie chewing on the pencil was masked only by me mixing up food.

Roy came down, dressed in an old hoodie and the same sweats he wore to bed, and sat beside Ollie. Ollie's eyes widened and he looked at me, surprise only growing as Roy reached over and answered one of the clues. I smiled and went back to the pancakes. Turning them over and scooping them onto plates was routine, and in those moments where I fixed food, I found myself wondering if I could get Kaldur to eat some. He's much less hesitant when it comes to eating food, but getting him to want to eat it is the issue. He's not worried about us poisoning him, he just- He doesn't want to eat. He's far too set on righting his wrongs. 

Still, I slipped steaming pancakes into a bag, leaving it open when I shoved it in my robe pocket. "I'm going to head to the Cave," I said. "You two going to be okay by yourself?"

"I really think you should take the day off, Dinah." 

"Can't." I shoved a pancake in my mouth. "I'll see you later." 

Really it didn't take long to change. Years of doing it had made the undertaking so much easier, and the worry eating away at me only hurried it. Which meant I ended up taking longer, since I ended up putting my shirt on backwards. Thankfully, that didn't add on too much time, not as much as finding a bag and stuffing coloring books and games into it did. Most of it was for the Atlanteans, meant to keep them busy and from noticing that anything too wrong was going on. Some things that ended up on top weren't. I had some stuff for Percy and Kaldur, blankets and the ilk. 

I hauled it over my shoulder and made the long trek down to the cellar. Stairs creaked and groaned, echoing my sentiments about leaving the house. I scanned myself into the Zeta and reappeared in the Cave. Nothing had changed since my early morning visit, except that it was now approaching mid-day. Tula, Garth, and Ronal milled about in the living room. Percy sat in the kitchen, flinching at every loud noise they made. Calvin brushed past her, and it didn't escape my attention the way her face twisted or how she looked back at him. 

Kaldur first, my mind dictated. Make sure he's safe. 

It shouldn't have been a necessary thought. There are plenty of people here who can watch out for him. His mother for one. It took all I had to keep scathing remarks from falling into my train of thought. Why was I the one who ended up comforting him? There was no one in the room with him. Just him and a bed with sheets and hard walls. If I hadn't come to check on him, and he woke up alone. Would he have tried it?

Those thoughts came to a screeching halt, replaced with bone deep panic. My breathing hitched and I nearly dropped the bag as I sped to where Sha'lain'a was knocking on the door, Kaldur's door, speaking in Atlantean but her tone made it all too clear it was a plea. 

"What's going on?" 

A mess of Atlantean fell from her mouth, garbled by choked sobs and cries. One hand clasped around her wrist. "He's not opening the door. He-" She wheezed. More Atlantean followed. 

"Wait here. Don't come in until I tell you to," I said. MY heart thundered against my ribs, each pulse felt in my head. Hands shaking as I worked through the override sequence, I pushed down my thoughts. The ones telling me to kick down the door instead of wasting precious seconds. The ones that could make things worse. The lock beeped, and I gave one last warning look at Sha'lain'a before slipping inside.

Kaldur sat curled by his bed. Whines left him, hands tearing at his hair. Pale green eyes flickered around the room. Feral. He looked feral; ready to snap at anyone who came close, he was no different than an animal backed into a corner. 

It wasn't a fair comparison, and I knew it. But the harsh growl directed at me and the way he shifted his body, didn't do anything to dissuade the comparison. I held my hands out in front of me. The bag hit the ground with a thud. Kaldur threw himself back, all his false bravado gone. Instead he shrunk in on himself. 

"Shit." I mumbled and dropped down. "Kaldur." I moved closer to him. With every inch I moved closer, he pushed himself back. Lunging forward I grabbed his hands and held them still. "Let go. Let go. Please. Okay, um, breathe in." Panic was my enemy, the same way it was earlier, but I couldn't fight it. Not now, not with Kaldur right in front of me. "I need you to focus on me."

I sat there, unmoving as choked breaths pulled air into Kaldur's lungs, too little, and as some of the panic in his eyes began to settle, not enough.

"There you go, little bird. Come back to us, there you go. You're doing so good. Can you take a deep breath for me?" I gently squeezed his hand. He gasped, choking in the air he needed. "There you go," I cooed. "I'm going to move my hand to your face, okay?" I moved my other hand and cupped his face. He moved out of it, and I almost pulled away but--

Kaldur collapsed into me. A glint of gold caught my eye, drawing my attention to the bangle wrapped around his wrist. It was too small to get over his hand. My thoughts were interrupted as sobs, choked and soft, fell past his lips. He cried into my shoulder. Skinny arms wrapped around me; he clung to me, like he was afraid I would disappear. 

I could only hold him close, while whispering reassurances that I was right here, I wouldn't leave him, he was safe. The last part might have been more for me. It didn't escape me that it should be his mother doing this, that she was probably on the other side of the door waiting for me to let her in. Waiting for me to let her hold her son and tell him that everything will be fine. Kaldur pulled against my arms, and I let him pull away. 

Sniffling, he wiped his eyes. He folded his legs. Webbed fingers ran through his hair, and I watched with held breath, all too prepared to have to stop him from hurting himself. He didn't. I didn't. 

And so I moved away from him, and pulled the top-most item from the bag. The dark-green fabric was soft against my hand. "Here." I draped the jacket over Kaldur's shoulders. "You can keep this." Kaldur blinked. He grabbed my hands, tugged me down, and before I knew it, he was leaning into me. Soft hands wrapped around mine, and he drew them up to his neck.

I didn't know what I was expecting, but the way he slowly released my hands and left them pressing loosely against the bandages wasn't it. Was this- I moved my hands away and he whined. I settled my hands on his back. I hushed him and held him close. 

"I do not know what is real." said Kaldur, out of nowhere. I stared down at him. "For all I know this may be another of the false realities I have been forced to live through. If it is, it will not end until I die, and Percy will be suffering the entire time I am out. If it is, then my sister hates me. My friends will hate me the moment they are told the truth. I will probably never be able to go home again. My entire life I've wanted to be on the surface, and here I am. Trapped. And I hurt percy. I hurt her so much, even afterwards. I hit her. I thought she- I thought she was an enemy."

"What happened in the-" He shook his head. I sighed and brushed my fingers through his silky blond hair. He was welcoming the touch, and not pulling away. "Okay, onto the bed with you. I'm willing to bet you didn't sleep well on the floor." Or at all.

I coaxed him up and onto the bed. He didn't lay down, not that I was really expecting him to. There's a reason he always sleeps on the floor. I sat beside him. We sat in silence for a moment, my eyes wandering to the door. I need to invite her in, now that Kaldur's calm...ish. I didn't want to bring her in when he just said that he's not sure any of this is real. My gaze wandered back down to the bracelet on his wrist.

"Mother gave it to me," he said, kicking his feet. He dragged his thumb along the thin band. "I am assuming she pulled a few favors to get it, especially this quickly. It tells her if I..." He shuddered and pulled the jacket tighter around him. "I did not want this to rest on her shoulders."

"She's your mother."

"Which is why I do not want her to deal with this. Any time I do anything that is deliberate harm towards myself, she knows." His feet slowed and then he drew them onto the edge of his bed. "It is not fair."

"You're hurting, Kaldur. We want to help you."

"I want everything to stop."

"I know."

"Then why-" Kaldur cut off as I wrapped an arm around him. He tucked himself back against my side. "Why will you not let me make it stop?"

Well, I stopped editing this at some point because I wanted to post it and hahaha

Anyway have a picture of kaldur

Hope you enjoyed the chapter!

See yah