The moments after Father returned passed all too quickly. It seemed as though he had just sat on the bed beside me when the door opened once more. Our king stepped into the room, jaw set in a hard grimace. His arms were crossed, and I found myself withering under his stare. 

"Leave us," said our king. Mother rested her hand on my arm, and she opened her mouth. She closed it when the king's stare moved to her. "Now." The tone in his voice left no argument. "I will not allow anything to happen to him."

I wanted him to. I wanted him to leave me alone and let me end the nightmare I was living. But, it would not happen. I looked at my hands. Small beads of crimson welled from the nail-beds, tiny as the point of a needle. And under my nails was the reddish-brown of dried blood. At least it was not fresh. If it was fresh, my mind would have been plagued. I would have heard all of the screams, all of the too hoarse pleading. Then I- Then I would hear the praise. Bile scorched the back of my throat, and the nausea coiled in my stomach. I wanted to throw up. 

Mother's hand slipped from my arm. I wanted her to stay. I could not force the words out to get her to though, and as such I watched as she and Father slipped out the door. After it had shut behind them, I stared. The door was not going to open again, not until this was over with. 

My king's hands pressed on my shoulders. I startled and tried to pull away. My chest heaved. My heart thumped in rapid beats as I attempted to throw myself back. I could not. I couldn't. His grip- his grip was too tight. 

"Kaldur, in four," said my king. He inhaled, rather obviously. Again and again he repeated the action, until I realized he wanted me to imitate him. The third time he inhaled, I finally copied him, choking in a stuttered breath. It hurt. Why did it hurt? Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes as I held the breath. "Out four." 

As my breathing settled, he sighed. He sat beside me, and the bed creaked with the added weight. If only I had the same courage to break the silence. I could convince him of something. Maybe not that I was not attempting to kill myself, Father would never lie to him on something so serious, but there were other options at my disposal. 

"I do not know where to begin with this," he said.

"I-"

"Quiet." His eyes focused on me once again, waiting for me to acknowledge the order. I swallowed and nodded. He scowled. "I know what you are going to say, and I do not want to hear it. No amount of excuses will make up for this, Kaldur'ahm." Orin paused. His hands trembled. "I told you to talk to somebody. I- I had you moved so we could make sure you did not get worse." Something desperate hung in his tone, in his wavering voice. "There is nothing you can say that justifies your actions today. You tried to kill yourself twice. Three times if I am to take the events leading up to this into account."

I could not fault him for being upset. Had I succeeded, I would have been avoiding trial, avoiding whatever justice he would prescribe. He has every right to- 

The door opened, snapping me from that thought. I flinched, pressing myself into my king's side. I should not have. He tensed and refused to look at me, even as he placed a hand on my shoulder. "Canary."

"Can I come in?" she asked.

"I do not want to stress him further," said Orin, "But it may be best to get it over with." The solid hand on my shoulder tightened. It was meant to be in reassurance, yet I found myself shrinking in on myself.  I wrapped my hand tight around my wrist, the pain of my nails doing little. His eyes scanned over me, I could feel the icy stare, the anger, and then he sighed. "You know where to find me if you wish to speak with me." And with that, he left me alone with Black Canary.

Black combat books came into view as I stared at the floor. Tops scuffed and edges caked with dirt, they were a familiar sight. Canary stood in front of me. "Do you want a hug?" I shook my head. Pressure closed around my wrist, and I jerked back. My eyes finally lifted to stare at her, with my heart hammering in my chest. She was not looking at me. Instead, her attention was focussed on the clock. "I'm just taking your pulse. Once I'm done, I won't touch you unless you give me reason to." True to her word, once fifteen seconds passed in silence, she released my wrist. She sat on the chair feet apart, arms resting on the armrests, and a clipboard in her lap. 

I did not bother trying to read what was on it. 

"How are you feeling?"

I blinked slowly and stared at her.

"I know, dumb question. But I really don't know where to start with this." She tapped her pen against the clipboard. "I have some assessments we can do, and we can go from there. But, Kaldur, what you went through, you never should have been in that position. That's something I need you to understand before we start. And I need you to be honest with me, okay? It might be hard, and it might scare you to talk about, but please, please, don't lie." 

"Okay," I said. Shameful as though it was, it was, in fact, a lie. I could not take the risk of letting her think I would make another attempt. For as much as it would pain-

"That includes now, Kaldur."

"I am aware."

She stared at me, and then she sighed. Shifting her weight and moving one leg atop the other, she spoke. "Normally, I'd do this in my counseling room--" Canary glared at the door. "--but Batman decided to use it to teach the others how to disable androids. Why he couldn't do that anywhere else, I don't know. What I do know is I won't be able to offer you the normal amount of confidentiality. Superboy shouldn't be able to hear you though, and I made sure everyone else with super-hearing will be as far away from here as possible. Having said that, well, this seems a bit redundant given everything, but I want to ask, have you wished you were dead or that you would go to sleep and not wake up?"

Icy fingers trailed up my spine. I fought to keep my hands still. I could not show weakness. I have to make her think I am fine. I have to. I swallowed and shook my head.

She breathed out, soft and slow. She said nothing about it, and I thought she would not press the issue. "Have you had these thoughts and had any intention of acting on them?" I looked at her, no through her. My eyes no longer wanted to focus as my breathing grew shallow. I did not respond. The metallic red pen scratched against the paper. "Have you started to work out or worked out the details of how to kill yourself?" she asked. Had I not known her or trained with her, I would have missed the waver of her voice. It was a small thing, but still enough to drive a spike of guilt through my gut. My thumb rubbed across my palm; I nodded without a thought. "Can you tell me about it?"

"Atlanteans, we- we have a need for physical affection. I am aware Earthers have something similar to a certain extant, but there is a reason our culture is touch-oriented. If we go too long without positive physical affection," I said, my words leaving my lips and sounding foreign to my own ears, "We grow weaker until our body gives out on us. Those three months, they should have killed me. It would not be hard to compound the effect until I died." I dug my nails hard into my palms. The pain brought me back. I sighed. "Failing that, I would fall back on the training I received during my military service."

The pen dropped. Canary's eyes widened. "They taught you how to kill yourself?"

"Simply the easiest way to get the means to," I said, waving the concerns off. She did not need to learn of the secret courses in the night. The ones where Haoth, a lieutenant who used to babysit for my mother, would gather all of us considered impure and teach us other things alongside those lessons: the fastest ways to bleed out, which fish can induce a near instantaneous death. She did not need to know the stories of what happened to some of the people Purists took. Even what I had went through, none of it came close to those stories. Of the experiments, of the-

"That doesn't make it right."

Blinking, I snapped out of my thoughts. It took me too long to remember what we had been talking about, my mind flipping through the normal things we discuss. But finally, "What is right is subjective. Sparing people torture and offering them a way out is a mercy." A mercy I did not after to Percy.

"Do- Do you intend to carry out this plan?"

"I...do not know."

"Kaldur."

I stared down at my hands. "I do not know." The lie was not a good one, or even a well thought out one, but it was the only option I had available. Outright saying no would prove futile. Saying yes would only end with me under constant watch, with not a moment of privacy. The space in between, that was where I needed to operate. 

"Okay," said Canary. "Okay. How often have you had thoughts of killing yourself?"

"A lot."

The admittance, well, it hung heavy in the air between us. As much as I did not want to be under constant watch, she deserved to know this. So at the very least, she would not blame herself. 

"Can I hug you?" 

I flicked my eyes up. I took note of the frown on her face and the shine of unshed tears. "I would prefer if you did not." The frown lessened, but only because it was replaced with a different expression. An expression of barely withheld tears.

"Okay. How often do the thoughts last?"

"I do not know how to describe that."

"You don't know or you don't want to tell me?"

"Can it not be a mix of both?"

Tap, tap, tap. The tapping of her pen sped up. Canary drew the back of her hand across her eyes. Tension crept up her shoulders, drawing her hands onto her lap. Her posture was closing in on itself, so different than the openness she strives to use during every session I have had with her. She brushed a piece of blonde hair away from her face, and her eyes focused on mine. They swept down from my face to my hands. Another sigh escaped her lips. A tear slipped down her face. Reaching forward, she gently grabbed my hands, and she pulled them apart. My skin burned in the places where my nails rubbed raw. Canary rubbed the back of my hands with her thumbs. I whined and nearly leaned towards her. I wanted more. I wanted a hug. 

...

No. No. I do not deserve it. Not after what I have done. 

"--that stopped you from wanting to die or acting on thoughts of committing suicide?"

"Hm?"

"Was there anyone or anything that stopped you from wanting to die or acting on your thoughts of suicide?" Canary repeated, the waver in her voice growing with each word. She tightened her grip on my hands. 

"I-" I swallowed and shook my head. I bit my cheek to keep from letting another whine escape as she withdrew her hands to write something on the papers. She sat the pen down and ran her hands through her hair. 

She dropped her hands to her lap, took a deep breath, and asked,"What sort of reasons did you have for thinking about wanting to die or killing yourself? Was it to end the pain or- Kaldur?!" Her hand was on my shoulder, bracing herself as she used her weight to pry my grip free. No blood flowed, my arms having been protected by the bandages. I should have known better. She was watching for that. I just- I do not- 

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you keep acting as though my life is worth something?!" Tears fell down my face. "I tortured my sister. I am supposed to protect her, that has been my only duty for years and I- I tortured her. I- I cannot stand this anymore. I should have died there. I should have let them kill me. Everything would have been-" I hiccuped. "Everything would have been better if I had died."

Soft hands cupped my face, lifting my chin so I had to look at Canary. 

"Kaldur," she said.

"Anything you say will not change the truth. And I would rather if we would get this over with." So I may curl up on my bed and cry without embarrassing myself any further. I pulled back from her touch. "I am tired."

"You probably are. There's just a few more questions, and then we're done. And if you really don't want to answer, I won't make you. Have- Have you made a suicide attempt?" Her knuckles were white as she clasped her pen.

"Yes."

"Have you done anything harm yourself?"

"Locking myself in my room."

"Have you done anything dangerous where you could have died?"

"Locking myself in my room."

"Did you-"

"If the question is, did I want to die, the answer is yes." 

It was getting harder and harder to keep myself from breaking down. My hands trembled, and my eyes were once again glazing over as I stared blankly around the room. The way Canary sat made me want to curl up against her side and let her hug me. 

"Has there been a time when you started to do something to end your life but someone or something stopped you before you actually did anything?"

"Father stopped me. Can we stop?"

"One more question, okay? Have you taken any steps towards making a suicide attempt or preparing to kill yourself, like collecting pills or giving things away, or writing a suicide note?"

Instead of an answer, I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out a folded sheet of paper. A shaking hand offered it out to Canary. Part of me knew I would regret this, but I could not do something like this to her. When I die, she will blame herself. All I can do is lessen the guilt. Canary took it from me. Paper crinkled as she unfolded it. 

"Fuck." She whispered and crumbled the paper in one hand. Canary shrugged out of her jacket and draped it over my shoulders. "I...I have to tell your parents about this." I nodded and stared at my lap. As she tried to draw away, I grabbed her wrists. 

"Canary. If...If I do-" I shook my head. "It will not be your fault."

"Kal-"

"It won't be your fault. Okay? It won't be your fault." Desperately gripping her hands, I could not let go. Not until she agreed. I was crying and I did not care. I needed her to understand.

"Sh," she hushed. "Kaldur, can you do something for me?"

"What?"

"If you think you might be in danger of killing yourself, call me. Call me, or Aquaman, or whoever you trust. We love you, Kaldur. And we want you alive." 

"Okay."

And to my shame, that was a lie.

Wow, this chapter is super late but you know what i spent a month working on it. enjoy

Now if you excuse me, fire is going to kill me

See yah